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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say DH can’t go on the stag do?

999 replies

coldlistened · 30/03/2022 14:49

We have just £2000 in savings, we had more but it got wiped out by a private medical surgery for me which was a good few thousand £. I went private to have endometriosis surgery (I have it very severe) as I was in absolute complete agony every day and couldn’t wait on the NHS list for treatment any longer. This is relevant because DH is using it in his argument. DH and his friends are all very outdoorsy, into fishing and hiking and mountain biking etc. His friend is getting married near Christmas and wants to arrange a very extravagant stag do.

10 days in a log cabin in the Canadian Rockies in October, and that is DH’s dream holiday. DH’s flights will be at least £600. The log cabin is going to be £2000 which will be split between the 4 of them. So it’s going to be at least £1100. The stag will be paying for drinks, food and activities.

DH really wants to go and his friends have confirmed they are going. His friends are all well off and in good jobs. He’ll be able to get the leave off. But we will be left with £900 in savings. We’re not really in a position to build our savings up again at the minute, especially with the energy crisis. The £2000 is our emergency fund, and I’m anxious at the thought of half of it being blown like this. And also if it were to be spent on a holiday I feel it’s fairer if it’s a family holiday with me and DC. I work full-time as well as him so I don’t know how I feel about it being spent on his dream holiday while me and DC stay at home.

DH feels I’m being mean. He loves his friends, he works hard (he really does) and feels that he deserves this. It’s not that I don’t want him to go, I know it sounds brilliant for him and he’d love it and if we had the money I’d be thrilled for him but I don’t think we can justify it at the moment.

DH has now said that because our other savings went on my surgery, it’s not fair I’m unsure over his holiday. I think this is unfair, I was in a lot of pain. I’d much rather have not needed the surgery so that I could treat myself with the money instead!

OP posts:
SafeMove · 30/03/2022 16:30

Totally not what were you are asking OP but have gynae not offered you prostap? Was the £6k for lap, staging and excision?

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/03/2022 16:30

@OtherShopsAvailable

What about the kids dream holiday? Or that dream dress? Or that perfect car for going to track days straight after the school run?

There is always something. Surfing is big locally, as is skiing. Men, and it's always men, are off year after year on once in a lifetime holidays with mates. Some years, some people can't go. There is always another dream holiday.
And you can fuck off if you think a crappy spa day compensates for all the child care and organisation it takes to make that paper round and ironing job happen.

@OtherShopsAvailable

The kids can have their own dream holiday when they are older and earning their own money

Walkingalot · 30/03/2022 16:30

Could he sell some things?

Nanny0gg · 30/03/2022 16:31

If the money isn't there, can't be saved and if the savings are used and can't be replaced I don't see how he can possibly do it.

First off, he needs to find out absolutely realistically what it will cost (plus buffer).

Then talk about it.

Oh - and when can they afford a dream holiday for the OP?

SallyWD · 30/03/2022 16:31

I'd really want my DH to go. Life is short and you need to grab hold of these unique opportunities when they come along. My DH would also encourage me to go on such a trip. I don't like the idea of having all money pooled. I'm an individual not just one half of a couple. DH and I have pooled money but also our own personal money for situations like this.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 30/03/2022 16:32

I’d argue, the OP using money for necessary surgery was to benefit all of the family. Without it she would be in a great deal of pain and would struggle with day to day life. It could get so bad that she wouldn’t be able to work or possibly look after the children properly.

Him spending £2k on him is him spending £2k on him alone.

Sure he can go, but he needs to fund it himself and not use the family pot. An extra job and selling stuff are his two options. He needs to get busy to start saving.

It’s irresponsible to use family emergency money on something which isn’t essential or an emergency.

Merlotmum85 · 30/03/2022 16:33

YABU. Let him go but make a plan together as to how you can recoup some of the money.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 30/03/2022 16:33

The reason they can't afford it is they have young kids. Not because one partner was ill.

girlmom21 · 30/03/2022 16:33

How are you affording to all attend the wedding, with your new outfits and travel?
Who's paying for the kids birthday presents?

Are these things affordable?

If you're actually on the bread line that makes a big difference to if you only had £50 to save this month because you needed a new £100 perfume, he spent £200 on fishing gear and little Timmy and Tammy needed new trainers.

Jongy · 30/03/2022 16:33

It sounds like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for him so it would be quite cruel to say he can’t go.

Perhaps a compromise would be that he puts more effort in making money by overtime or outside of work such as selling anything if worth.

girlmom21 · 30/03/2022 16:33

@Aroundtheworldin80moves

The reason they can't afford it is they have young kids. Not because one partner was ill.
They can afford it. They have double the amount he needs saved.
LuckySantangelo35 · 30/03/2022 16:34

@dworky

This man is an arsehole. Let him go & tell him not to come back.
@dworky

LOL

Happyhappyday · 30/03/2022 16:34

OP he shouldn’t go, end of. It’s be great if you hadn’t needed the surgery, but you did and presumably you agreed it together. It’s a huge bummer to miss it, but that’s life, especially life when you have kids and a partner, you make decisions for the good of the family. You getting surgery meant your could continue to contribute to the family. Your husband going on a holiday is not.

To poster saying most people don’t have £900 spare, that may be true but that doesn’t mean that’s good, or smart if you can avoid it. 6 months is recommended minimum of expenses to have saved for a reason. There’s another thread today about someone losing their home, 6 months expenses might not have changed that but if you have nothing in the bank, one of you loses your job and you go into arrears on your mortgage. Or your car breaks down and you can’t get into work.

There’s also no way that holiday is only going to be £2000.

BaconMassive · 30/03/2022 16:35

It's difficult to know exactly but let's say the savings pot stood at £8000, the DH may well have been paying into that for a long time with the feeling that he could dip into 10-15% of that for a trip of a lifetime without repercussion.

As that seemingly isn't the case it would have been better for both parties to probably have built up £6000 in the joint savings pot and then a £1000 each in a personal savings pot. Then there would not be this ill feeling about "leaving the emergency family money in danger of being short". Because the money for this occasion would clearly be coming from the separated funding.

Although I still feel £900 is a reasonable buffer for family emergencies with a view to build it up again. It must have started at £0 once.

Abouttimemum · 30/03/2022 16:35

My Dh wouldn’t go, but that’s because his annual leave is shite and he wants to spend what little he has with DS.

In your shoes I’d be saying if he can find the money then he can go, but not using half your savings to do it!

BuanoKubiamVej · 30/03/2022 16:35

That's a ridiculous amount to spend for one person to go on a stag event, both in terms of your overall holiday budget and your overall savings. The other stags are clearly a lot richer, and so they want an extravagant holiday. That's all well and good but that does meant that it is out of budget for a responsible adult who doesn't have that kind of wealth.

A reasonable amount for your DH to spend on going to a stag holiday like this would be between a quarter and a third of the amount that you would typically spend on your main family holiday together. So, if your normal family holiday is an all-inclusive in the sun costing £7,500 for the family then it would be fine to spend £2000-£2500 on a special stag event. If your normal family holiday is a total of £450 covering somewhere cheap and cheerful self-catering then he shouldn't be spending more than £100-£150 on a stag event.

It's also really stupid to spend the remaining emergency fund on this. You were sensible to use some of it for your operation - that was a legitimate use of savings. A holiday really isn't an emergency.

IrishMamaMia · 30/03/2022 16:35

I really like @Chamomileteaplease 's suggestions.

Stravaig · 30/03/2022 16:35

If those are your only savings, then it is your emergency fund. Of course it is used for necessary medical treatment. It absolutely is not used for a holiday! Especially for just one of you. What an utter arse he is.

HardyBuckette · 30/03/2022 16:35

He is BU. You simply aren't well off enough to be able to afford the adults in the family going on this kind of trip, and there's not a chance in hell it'll stick at £1100 either. Bringing up your surgery is awful.

MichelleScarn · 30/03/2022 16:35

if he can raise the money elsewhere - take on extra shifts / second job / save his personal spends etc then OK.

Should that be the case with everything from now on then? Nights out/away days with friends, hair/beauty treatments, must be paid for out of personal savings only where its come from a 2nd job?

Benjispruce5 · 30/03/2022 16:35

I just wouldn’t feel right taking family savings for my own personal holiday. He should fund it himself by saving or getting a 0% credit card. Who has a 10 day stag do anyway??

Verv · 30/03/2022 16:35

YABU its once in a lifetime and not hugely expensive with the shared accommodation with his friends.

Can 1.1k be found, by him, with some judicious ebaying over 9 months, or at least a chunk of it?

HermioneKipper · 30/03/2022 16:35

I think the OP is getting a very rough ride on this one.

My husband would not want to go on a holiday like this if it meant we’d be left with no savings and no family holiday. It’s very selfish on his part. There’s no way I’d go on a jolly if we had no spare money and I definitely wouldn’t use a surgery against my husband. In fact I’d have wanted him to have the surgery if he was in pain and there was a huge long wait on the NHS.

These abroad stag dos etc give me the rage. Why can’t they have an outdoorsy trip nearer to home?

SundaysinKernow · 30/03/2022 16:36

I’d say he should go. You only live once and all that and it sounds like a reasonable price for his once in a lifetime dream trip. Perhaps he could work some overtime / do some shifts in a local pub or something to earn some extra cash to put towards your savings or a family trip?

SummerHouse · 30/03/2022 16:36

I think it boils down to this: if you had the chance to go on an equivalent, once in a lifetime, dream trip, you would turn it down. He wouldn't. Neither of you is being unreasonable.

Growing up we had no money. Holes in our shoes type of no money. Clothing came from black bin liners that friends and family drooped off. I think as a result, I have a totally different level of frugality / frivolousness to DP. I wonder if you have the same. We have met in the middle and I think we are both better for it. Easily said when you have savings.

I think I would come to terms with it. But to feel more positive, so you don't resent him each time you need or want something, I would launch Operation Offset. I appreciate that gets harder to do if you are very careful already but it could include opting for cheaper meals, car boots, or perhaps he could look at the £10 a day threads on here. It's really hard but I think if you find a way, you will be glad you did.

Flowers