Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say DH can’t go on the stag do?

999 replies

coldlistened · 30/03/2022 14:49

We have just £2000 in savings, we had more but it got wiped out by a private medical surgery for me which was a good few thousand £. I went private to have endometriosis surgery (I have it very severe) as I was in absolute complete agony every day and couldn’t wait on the NHS list for treatment any longer. This is relevant because DH is using it in his argument. DH and his friends are all very outdoorsy, into fishing and hiking and mountain biking etc. His friend is getting married near Christmas and wants to arrange a very extravagant stag do.

10 days in a log cabin in the Canadian Rockies in October, and that is DH’s dream holiday. DH’s flights will be at least £600. The log cabin is going to be £2000 which will be split between the 4 of them. So it’s going to be at least £1100. The stag will be paying for drinks, food and activities.

DH really wants to go and his friends have confirmed they are going. His friends are all well off and in good jobs. He’ll be able to get the leave off. But we will be left with £900 in savings. We’re not really in a position to build our savings up again at the minute, especially with the energy crisis. The £2000 is our emergency fund, and I’m anxious at the thought of half of it being blown like this. And also if it were to be spent on a holiday I feel it’s fairer if it’s a family holiday with me and DC. I work full-time as well as him so I don’t know how I feel about it being spent on his dream holiday while me and DC stay at home.

DH feels I’m being mean. He loves his friends, he works hard (he really does) and feels that he deserves this. It’s not that I don’t want him to go, I know it sounds brilliant for him and he’d love it and if we had the money I’d be thrilled for him but I don’t think we can justify it at the moment.

DH has now said that because our other savings went on my surgery, it’s not fair I’m unsure over his holiday. I think this is unfair, I was in a lot of pain. I’d much rather have not needed the surgery so that I could treat myself with the money instead!

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 30/03/2022 16:19

@OtherShopsAvailable

What about the kids dream holiday? Or that dream dress? Or that perfect car for going to track days straight after the school run?

There is always something. Surfing is big locally, as is skiing. Men, and it's always men, are off year after year on once in a lifetime holidays with mates. Some years, some people can't go. There is always another dream holiday.
And you can fuck off if you think a crappy spa day compensates for all the child care and organisation it takes to make that paper round and ironing job happen.

The kids have got their entire lives to have their dream holiday. And it’s not just men - I’m off to India with my best friend as soon as it’s safe. My bloke’s waving me off with a smile.
Original poster
coldlistened · 30/03/2022 16:20

@Theluggage15

You’re the poster that implied earlier in the thread that I just wanted the money for a nice luxurious jolly all for myself instead.

OP posts:
Lorw · 30/03/2022 16:20

Paha all the people telling her to let him go cause she spent money on surgery. Fuck me. It’s not like she had an option, she was in severe pain, a jolly off with your mates is not the same as having surgery you need…

That being said, is there some luxuries he could cut back on till then so he can save up for this holiday?

AKASammyScrounge · 30/03/2022 16:21

Don't grudge him this. What would it be like for him seeing the 3 amigos going off to Canada without him? This isn't a sudden whim holiday or a crazy purchase. It has been a long time in the pipeline, the 4 of them planning and dreaming. Missing the log cabin would stay with him a long time, I think. Let him go.

CatsArePeople · 30/03/2022 16:22

He already works a really physical full-time job and he’d be exhausted.

More of a reason for him to go.

TotallyTS · 30/03/2022 16:22

I would do what I could to support him to find a way to go but I wouldn't agree to using those savings. I don't have a buffer at the moment and it worries me.

Second job, some sort of WFH deal, surveys?
Is there stuff he could sell on eBay?

I'd be less willing to help after the shitty comment about your surgery though, that's low.

OtherShopsAvailable · 30/03/2022 16:22

@yellowsuninthesky
To be fair I know plenty of women who seem to be away with other female friends on a regular basis

But was that at the primary school stage and younger? It was hard enough getting a day trip to the big city at that point without someone's partner wriggling out of looking after his own kids.

Theluggage15 · 30/03/2022 16:22

You’re the one who said you were terrified of losing your buffer and then said it should be spent on a family holiday not on him if you were going to spend it on a holiday.

thisplaceisweird · 30/03/2022 16:23

I would really want him to go, it sounds amazing.

However, I'd be expecting him to be cutting back EVERYTHING he does in order to save most of it himself.

Wnikat · 30/03/2022 16:25

It's a really good price for that sort of holiday. Can you both do some paid market research? Can he take in some ironing (I am joking about that)? Festival bar shifts (him)? If you're willing to look after the kids while he does some work on the weekends then it should be possible to get the money together.

TotallyTS · 30/03/2022 16:25

[quote OtherShopsAvailable]@yellowsuninthesky
To be fair I know plenty of women who seem to be away with other female friends on a regular basis

But was that at the primary school stage and younger? It was hard enough getting a day trip to the big city at that point without someone's partner wriggling out of looking after his own kids.[/quote]
My friends with decent partners have trips away without their kids.

bumblefeline · 30/03/2022 16:25

Get him to sign up to matched betting easy £700-800 out of all the sign up offers.

girlmom21 · 30/03/2022 16:25

Does he have the opportunity for overtime?

You might have missed my previous post because you seem to just want to argue rather than respond to the posters offering support but where did the spare £50 for your savings go this month? Is it in the savings pot - so do you now have £2050? If so, keep saving those £50's and you'll be halfway to paying on the holiday with the extras before he even goes.

limitedperiodonly · 30/03/2022 16:26

@NorthSouthcatlady

PS l have been to Whistler and it’s not cheap. He better factor in spending money
There are more depressing things in life but going on holiday and finding out a lager costs "how much?" is quite sobering.

Not everyone drinks of course but those other little things add up.

I think £1,100 is optimistic for a holiday in Canada. It's also a bit cheeky to expect your rich mates to sub you - that's the way to break up beautiful friendships and is any of us that scintillating company?

Original poster
coldlistened · 30/03/2022 16:26

@Theluggage15

It was a hypothetical scenario, weighing it up. I think most people saw that.

You’re also the poster who said “the savings can be built back up again”. We have no spare income anymore, no they can’t. If it was as simple as that I’d be on Google looking up fun holiday activities to recommend to DH and his friends. What is your advice to those using food banks to feed their kids? “Don’t be poor, then you won’t need to use food banks.”

OP posts:
Sunnytwobridges · 30/03/2022 16:27

I would feel a little anxious about this because for me savings is hard to build up (but I'm single). And maybe a little jealous too cause it sounds like a lot of fun lol Younger me would feel like you but now that I'm old with health problems, I feel like sometimes you just have to have fun cause life is short.

So I would let him go as long as we had a plan to work extra hard to build the savings back up .

BaconMassive · 30/03/2022 16:27

Maybe work out what would be an acceptable amount to spend on a trip of a lifetime? Let's say it's £500. Then DH has to find the other £600 between now and then. I do see his point to some degree regarding putting his/family money into an account for this purpose for a long time, although perhaps he hasn't broached that in the correct way. Sometimes these conversations between living life and loving life are difficult.

Nanny0gg · 30/03/2022 16:27

@Annoy

This whole situation makes me wonder why people get themselves in to relationships… surely you should still be able to do the things you want to do with friends, such as holidays?…. Why do families always have to holiday together?
Because not everyone has shedloads of spare cash?

And when you have children, surely you want to holiday with them?

Walkingalot · 30/03/2022 16:28

I absolutely agree that you can't compare your surgery to a holiday but £6K was a lot of money to take out of the family pot. I had to have some private fertility treatment and took out a small extension to the mortgage. Is that an idea to boost your 'savings' plus allow him to go on this trip? The loan was spread over the remainder of the mortgage period and the extra in repayments was barely noticeable.

StScholastica · 30/03/2022 16:28

Maybe as women we need to be more vocal about what is covered under the NHS. It seems wrong that surgery you describe as essential isn't covered. You shouldn't have to wipe out all your savings on staying alive.

Pumperthepumper · 30/03/2022 16:28

I would be really nervous about all the spare money being spent on a holiday. What if your boiler breaks? Or your car?

dworky · 30/03/2022 16:28

This man is an arsehole.
Let him go & tell him not to come back.

Chamomileteaplease · 30/03/2022 16:29

Normally it's a dodgy holiday in Ibiza, as previously mentioned and it's easy to say no, he's taking the mickey.

But in this scenario it does seem different. It really is a once in a lifetime situation. It also sounds really healthy and could do him the world of good - life with small kids is tough, as you know Smile.

I would try to enable him to go, on the understanding that:

1 He has to shut the fuck up about it being comparable to your surgery when you were in daily agony Shock

2 He has to sell something or do something to pay for at least half of the trip.

3 Not take on a long term part time job because then he will be exhausted and grumpy and you will be bitter because you will be left doing absolutely everything in the house.

4 You get some sort of equal treat in the future, no matter how distant.

5 He talks to his friends and explains that this is a really expensive trip for him so he needs their understanding from the start that he will not be able to start buying rounds and meals for four people at any time over the ten days.

If the stag really is going to pay for a lot of it then that is extremely helpful.

I understand your fear about a safety net and so as others have said I think he does need to stump up some cash himself.

CambsAlways · 30/03/2022 16:29

I’d let him go, but make sure he can as well as you put more money in the pot by cut backs , no he shouldn’t have compared your op to his going away that’s quite cruel! No comparison! But I think he should still go once in a life time chance

SpiderinaWingMirror · 30/03/2022 16:30

He is wrong to offer up the money spent on your surgery as a justification. There is no comparison.
But I totally get his overwhelming desire to go. If they are all so close, do they understand about the reality of each others finances?