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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner charging rent

267 replies

6pmGinOclock · 30/03/2022 14:21

NC for this.
Was to move in with partner last month into his flat. We both rent.
As soon as I handed in notice he started being awkward, silent treatments, lack of restect, twisting things, saying I'm over reacting and so on.

I have changed my mind, put a halt on the move and kept my rented flat. (Was in abusive relationship before and I'm not going to go back there!)
He apologised, said he loves me and would like us to try and overcome problems, every relationship has problems and it is normal to not feel happy sometimes.

He wanted me to be at his flat with him despite the fact I have decided to keep my flat too. He wanted me to get rid of the other flat because he says I'm too attached to it, it isn't healthy and because of that we can't progress and move on. I still want to keep my flat until I know if this relationship is going to work, still have majority of furniture there but essentially live with him, because he insisted on it.

Today he is asking me for a rent payment, ie he wants me to pay half of his all bills including rent. Because I still have the other flat I simply can't afford to pay for both flats and would need to dip in savings every month to pay him rent. I'm happy to pay my own way so he isn't out of pocket ie half of utilities and food. When being here I already spent much more money on food for us 3 (me, him and his DD who is here 50% of time) than I would normally do.

We spoke last week and he mentioned rent and I've said if he wants me to pay him rent (we never had this conversation before so I actually was baffled), I can't afford it and I have no choice but move back to my flat. I was happy to do it but he didn't like it and still wanted me to stay where I am. As soon as I mentioned that I can move my stuff back over to my flat he started saying how unreliable I am and he can't trust me.

I wanted to give us a chance and keep the arrangement from before we agreed to live together - I was at his more because I work from home and he lives close to his work and DD. I would be happy for us to live in my flat but he doesn't like it because it is too far. He is not out of pocket at all and earns good money. But he says that because I've agreed to living together, and we essentially do, he expects me to pay half of all bills.
Of course I would pay half if I was happy to move in together, but I'm not, I need more time. I would like to wait a few months to see how things are between us but he doesn't like it.

Am I being unreasonable?
I want to be fair but maybe I'm seeing it from wrong perspective?

OP posts:
oviraptor21 · 30/03/2022 17:39

@BoredZelda

If I was moving in with someone and keeping a flat in case it didn’t work out, I’d wonder why I was moving in with them.

It’s fair that if you share a flat, you pay half the rent.

You'd be moving in with them to see if it would work and with the security that if it didn't you had somewhere to return to.
oviraptor21 · 30/03/2022 17:40

You shouldn't pay half the rent if you don't have equal security. If you're not named on the tenancy then the tenant can just change the locks and stop you getting back in.

NotNotNotMyName · 30/03/2022 17:42

OP you have red flags, please don’t ignore them. Definitely don’t move in with him or pay him anything while you have your own place (maybe a small food contribution but that’s it).

TBH I’d just ditch him though.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/03/2022 17:43

If you're the poster I think you are, you had enough 'warning signs' about his emotionally abusive behaviour (silent treatment, lying, grumping, etc) to send you running for the hills your old flat the last time you were going to move in. He hasn't changed. He wanted to use you then, he wants to use you now.

You've given him two chances and he's failed both times. You are now in 'fool me twice, shame on me' territory'. And meanwhile there is probably some really nice and trustworthy man out there looking for a partner. You'll never find Mr Right whilst you're tangled up with Mr Wrong.

Dump him.

RandomMess · 30/03/2022 17:44

I remember your previous thread when you decide to keep your flat.

He is bad news and definitely abusive. He wants you to subsidise him and his DD oh and look after her and do all the wifework and provide sex.

Keep running.

Mirw · 30/03/2022 17:45

Coercive control

AcrossthePond55 · 30/03/2022 17:46

He wanted me to get rid of the other flat because he says I'm too attached to it, it isn't healthy and because of that we can't progress and move on.

This red flag is so huge it could be seen from the ISS with the naked eye. He wanted to trap you and leave you with NO EXIT.

DisforDarkChocolate · 30/03/2022 17:47

So many red flags.

Please go back to your flat, he's trying to manipulate you.

Sceptre86 · 30/03/2022 17:50

Listen to your gut. Ditch him, block his number and him on all forms of social media. He's not the one. You can do better. x

astoundedgoat · 30/03/2022 17:52

I know it is naive and silly. I know that. I see it but I'm not sure if I'm not imagining all this or over reacting. And I'm not sure how bad it actually is.

PLEASE don't call your rational instincts and healthy boundaries naive and silly! They are there to protect you, and were screaming at you so loudly that you saved yourself from toppling into another abusive relationship. Your instincts WORK and are correct.

I worry that you can't see abuse when it is right there in front of you. Have you ever talked to a professional, or seen a therapist about your past abuse? I don't mean this as a zing or bitchily at all, but you might need some help in learning to trust yourself - it could help you spot the warning signs in a dickhead like this guy so that you don't even waste your time on a second date.

BashfulClam · 30/03/2022 17:53

Dump him. This is another abuser.

AChocolateOrangeaday · 30/03/2022 17:54

How many threads do you need to post to be told he is a twat OP?

Not sure what you are hoping to get out of this thread that you haven't from the previous?

Ourlady · 30/03/2022 17:55

Look, he was abusive before and he’s still abusive now.
You really need to get rid of him and work on your own self esteem.
You know you’re a good person who deserves much better than that abusive twat.
Please find the strength to end this relationship.

pictish · 30/03/2022 17:58

Are you the poster from two or three weeks ago?
He’s determined to have you in his thrall isn’t he? I remember you were well advised how this would go and you can see the advice wasn’t wrong.
What he calls your unhealthy attachment to your flat is really his frustration that he hasn’t yet got you where he wants you…in his home, right under his thumb and paying for the privilege, with no way out.

pictish · 30/03/2022 17:59

@AcrossthePond55

He wanted me to get rid of the other flat because he says I'm too attached to it, it isn't healthy and because of that we can't progress and move on.

This red flag is so huge it could be seen from the ISS with the naked eye. He wanted to trap you and leave you with NO EXIT.

Or this. In a nutshell.
Celiamary · 30/03/2022 18:01

Stay independent petal, the weasel let slip what he has in store for you.

L0stinCyberspace · 30/03/2022 18:01

Leave him; he wants your options gone and you stuck with him. You are not being "silly" - this man is likely to be abusive in time from the sounds of it and I'm not one of the "LTB brigade" on Mumsnet.

Dustyroad63 · 30/03/2022 18:01

Just another one here who is saying please dump him and keep your independence. He’s not the one for you. You are worth so much more.
Hopefully you will look back at him in years to come and say what a near miss.

TrashyPanda · 30/03/2022 18:02

He sounds really manipulative

bembridge11 · 30/03/2022 18:08

Stay put!!!
Keep your space and independence
And consider if he is right for you. I suspect not

GeorgiaGirl52 · 30/03/2022 18:09

@girlmom21

He doesn't want you to give up your flat because you're too attached to it. He wants you to give up your flat so that you're solely reliant on him and you can't leave.

Run OP. He's another abuser in the making.

This - definitely. How brilliant of you to keep your flat and have an escape route.
EatsQuorn · 30/03/2022 18:15

I'm with my oh long term.
When we first got together and then decided to live together , he owned his own place so I moved there . I paid my way for food and bought things such as towels , new duvet etc because I felt his were tatty and I wanted some new stuff , but that was my choice. Would I pay rent on my place , pay rent at his because he wanted it , and pay for food for 3 people ? Putting it bluntly - no because I'm not a mug . Don't allow him to see you that way.

RantyAunty · 30/03/2022 18:16

Your instincts are great. And you came here and asked so well done.
He is just telling you nice things to get you to move in.
His shitty actions is how he truly is.
He's a user and sounds controlling and manipulative.

I wish there were tanks of twat spray to go around and run all the twats off!

As others have said, there is no future with him. As hard as it may be dump him and block him.
Every day you spend on him, is a day keeping you from someone really special and good.

TollgateDebs · 30/03/2022 18:17

You already know what you have to do, run!

Kittensquirrel · 30/03/2022 18:20

You deserve better OP, please leave him.