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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner charging rent

267 replies

6pmGinOclock · 30/03/2022 14:21

NC for this.
Was to move in with partner last month into his flat. We both rent.
As soon as I handed in notice he started being awkward, silent treatments, lack of restect, twisting things, saying I'm over reacting and so on.

I have changed my mind, put a halt on the move and kept my rented flat. (Was in abusive relationship before and I'm not going to go back there!)
He apologised, said he loves me and would like us to try and overcome problems, every relationship has problems and it is normal to not feel happy sometimes.

He wanted me to be at his flat with him despite the fact I have decided to keep my flat too. He wanted me to get rid of the other flat because he says I'm too attached to it, it isn't healthy and because of that we can't progress and move on. I still want to keep my flat until I know if this relationship is going to work, still have majority of furniture there but essentially live with him, because he insisted on it.

Today he is asking me for a rent payment, ie he wants me to pay half of his all bills including rent. Because I still have the other flat I simply can't afford to pay for both flats and would need to dip in savings every month to pay him rent. I'm happy to pay my own way so he isn't out of pocket ie half of utilities and food. When being here I already spent much more money on food for us 3 (me, him and his DD who is here 50% of time) than I would normally do.

We spoke last week and he mentioned rent and I've said if he wants me to pay him rent (we never had this conversation before so I actually was baffled), I can't afford it and I have no choice but move back to my flat. I was happy to do it but he didn't like it and still wanted me to stay where I am. As soon as I mentioned that I can move my stuff back over to my flat he started saying how unreliable I am and he can't trust me.

I wanted to give us a chance and keep the arrangement from before we agreed to live together - I was at his more because I work from home and he lives close to his work and DD. I would be happy for us to live in my flat but he doesn't like it because it is too far. He is not out of pocket at all and earns good money. But he says that because I've agreed to living together, and we essentially do, he expects me to pay half of all bills.
Of course I would pay half if I was happy to move in together, but I'm not, I need more time. I would like to wait a few months to see how things are between us but he doesn't like it.

Am I being unreasonable?
I want to be fair but maybe I'm seeing it from wrong perspective?

OP posts:
CoffeeBeansGalore · 30/03/2022 16:02

I remember your previous thread.

Keep your flat, move back into it & dump him. Time to be free & happy. You don't need him. He is not making you happy. Relationships shouldn't be this hard.

Put yourself first. Be happy.

Original poster
6pmGinOclock · 30/03/2022 16:03

It is so mortifying and embarrassing to actually admit where I am now and that I believed him when he said he loved me like no one else before, that he doesn't imagine life without me in it, that he wants us to be together for good and bad. And I shouldn't just back put because we hit a bad path.

I'm glad I was able to keep the flat and I'm not giving it up. It's just the fact I can't believe in what he does because it is so much different to what he says.

I know it is naive and silly. I know that. I see it but I'm not sure if I'm not imagining all this or over reacting. And I'm not sure how bad it actually is.

The only thing I know is that I've to be independent. I have a good career, I earn more than him. I always thought I was smart and yet getting into another abusive relationship where I would swear three months ago I wasn't in one. I felt loved, respected and listened to.

OP posts:
Rewis · 30/03/2022 16:04

Made it to the 4th line. Keep the flat. Dump the guy. Its time to run.

Scbchl · 30/03/2022 16:08

I remember your last thread on the situation and he doesn't seem to of got any better. I really think you should end things. You clearly aren't 100% happy and he sounds like a dick. You are wasting time on him and stopping yourself from finding the right person for you the longer you spend with him.

CountessOfSponheim · 30/03/2022 16:08

I always thought I was smart and yet getting into another abusive relationship where I would swear three months ago I wasn't in one

But you spotted (some of) the red flags and didn't let him get control over you. You should be proud of yourself for that.

Look into whether there's a Freedom Project course near you; it's a great resource for those who've survived abusive relationships and need to recalibrate what they think of as normal and acceptable.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 30/03/2022 16:09

The move would have gone ahead and the bills would have been shared if he didn’t start to mess you about, OP. So it’s all down to him. I’d take it as warning from above (or whatever Grin) and follow this cue to dump him.

Jaxhog · 30/03/2022 16:11

Run for the hills!

Philisophigal · 30/03/2022 16:11

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

Tortabella · 30/03/2022 16:13

I always thought I was smart and yet getting into another abusive relationship where I would swear three months ago I wasn't in one

Oh, I know this feeling so well. I eventually spent two years in therapy instead of another shitty relationship and it hasn't happened since.

ginslinger · 30/03/2022 16:13

Please pack your things, move back to your flat and block him on everything. At best he's unkind, at worst he's an abuser.

ReacherMargrave · 30/03/2022 16:14

Don't be so hard on yourself OP. Take some time to be on your own and maybe sign up for some therapy so for future relationships you know what red flags to look out for.

FabFitFifties · 30/03/2022 16:14

OP, the very fact that he is making you question your judgement is huge red flag. It really worries me that you have had it spelt out to you by PP's but you are still dithering. You REALLY need to end this. This IS another abusive relationship. He is trying to trap you in every way he can think of. That is not love. Get your things out when he's at work, so that you are safe.

Momijin · 30/03/2022 16:15

Well done for spotting this. Luckily he showed his colours just before you moved in. He is controlling and abusive. Run. End the relationship

AnotherDelphinium · 30/03/2022 16:15

No no no. A small contribution to cover his increase in utility costs (he can easily provide bills for 2021 and now and you can work out the increase in usage, not the spiralling cost!).

I can’t imagine asking a partner for rent when I’m financially fine, the rental isn’t in their name, and I’m fully aware they are paying for their own rental already!

This guy really isn’t a keeper, you can do so much better Flowers

ForeverSingle881 · 30/03/2022 16:15

RUN! Your instincts are great, trust them.

GabriellaMontez · 30/03/2022 16:16

Talk is cheap. It doesn't match his behavior. Which is disgusting.

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 30/03/2022 16:17

He’s shown his true colours. Run a mile.

DameHelena · 30/03/2022 16:18

As soon as I handed in notice he started being awkward, silent treatments, lack of restect, twisting things, saying I'm over reacting and so on.
This is enough for me.
Run.

Crikeyalmighty · 30/03/2022 16:18

End it OP— he knew the score , and yet is still trying it on- I honestly think he sees you as a soft touch - I remember quite rightly why you kept your flat — if you don’t want to end it then say you will be taking it back a step and live properly at your flat and do the boyfriend/girlfriend separate places thing for at least a year. if he makes a huge fuss then he’s probably after you mainly for cash, childcare and cleaning!!

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 30/03/2022 16:18

@6pmGinOclock

It is so mortifying and embarrassing to actually admit where I am now and that I believed him when he said he loved me like no one else before, that he doesn't imagine life without me in it, that he wants us to be together for good and bad. And I shouldn't just back put because we hit a bad path.

I'm glad I was able to keep the flat and I'm not giving it up. It's just the fact I can't believe in what he does because it is so much different to what he says.

I know it is naive and silly. I know that. I see it but I'm not sure if I'm not imagining all this or over reacting. And I'm not sure how bad it actually is.

The only thing I know is that I've to be independent. I have a good career, I earn more than him. I always thought I was smart and yet getting into another abusive relationship where I would swear three months ago I wasn't in one. I felt loved, respected and listened to.

Don’t feel silly, he’s just hidden it well, but his true colours have come out now.
MRex · 30/03/2022 16:20

He sounds desperately unpleasant, I'm not sure what you're still holding onto. Are you worried about being alone? My suggestion is that when he goes to work tomorrow, you pack everything and have a man + van drop it back at your flat. Then you let him know it's over and you want no further contact.

Mummytobe93 · 30/03/2022 16:21

The time when he was nice to you @6pmGinOclock was just an act.

As soon as you’re a bit more vulnerable/dependent on him he shows his true colours. He wants to control you and it will only get worse.

Your instinct was right before and it’s right now, leave this man! You love your independence - he wants to strip you of itz

cherryonthecakes · 30/03/2022 16:21

I think you know what you have to do. This man has abuser written all over him and he's furiously trying to build a trap for you so you can't leave.

Dump him and enjoy your freedom (and your flat)

Bhagal · 30/03/2022 16:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jay55 · 30/03/2022 16:22

You didn't hit a bad patch, he behaved like a total abusive dickhead. Stonewalling you when he thought he had you and your money trapped.

And when you saw sense and got out the trap, he turned on the charm again, lured you back and started the abuse cycle over.

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