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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner charging rent

267 replies

6pmGinOclock · 30/03/2022 14:21

NC for this.
Was to move in with partner last month into his flat. We both rent.
As soon as I handed in notice he started being awkward, silent treatments, lack of restect, twisting things, saying I'm over reacting and so on.

I have changed my mind, put a halt on the move and kept my rented flat. (Was in abusive relationship before and I'm not going to go back there!)
He apologised, said he loves me and would like us to try and overcome problems, every relationship has problems and it is normal to not feel happy sometimes.

He wanted me to be at his flat with him despite the fact I have decided to keep my flat too. He wanted me to get rid of the other flat because he says I'm too attached to it, it isn't healthy and because of that we can't progress and move on. I still want to keep my flat until I know if this relationship is going to work, still have majority of furniture there but essentially live with him, because he insisted on it.

Today he is asking me for a rent payment, ie he wants me to pay half of his all bills including rent. Because I still have the other flat I simply can't afford to pay for both flats and would need to dip in savings every month to pay him rent. I'm happy to pay my own way so he isn't out of pocket ie half of utilities and food. When being here I already spent much more money on food for us 3 (me, him and his DD who is here 50% of time) than I would normally do.

We spoke last week and he mentioned rent and I've said if he wants me to pay him rent (we never had this conversation before so I actually was baffled), I can't afford it and I have no choice but move back to my flat. I was happy to do it but he didn't like it and still wanted me to stay where I am. As soon as I mentioned that I can move my stuff back over to my flat he started saying how unreliable I am and he can't trust me.

I wanted to give us a chance and keep the arrangement from before we agreed to live together - I was at his more because I work from home and he lives close to his work and DD. I would be happy for us to live in my flat but he doesn't like it because it is too far. He is not out of pocket at all and earns good money. But he says that because I've agreed to living together, and we essentially do, he expects me to pay half of all bills.
Of course I would pay half if I was happy to move in together, but I'm not, I need more time. I would like to wait a few months to see how things are between us but he doesn't like it.

Am I being unreasonable?
I want to be fair but maybe I'm seeing it from wrong perspective?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 30/03/2022 14:40

What a horrible man. Thank goodness you kept hold of your place. I would block him now and not ever see him again. You have had a really narrow escape.

LittleOwl153 · 30/03/2022 14:40

Nah this is not going to work. He knows you can't afford both flats so by pushing you for rent he is forcing you to give up your own flat - and with it your security. He already doesn't like that you backtracked - and we're able to when he thought he already had you hooked. (He showed his hand too early.) But he has shown his hand and that has given you doubts you need to resolve before moving forward. I would take care to consider how his reaction changes dependant on where you are in the cycle of things.

At the end of the day you don't live together - and I would make sure you spend a night or two each week at your flat so that it is clear on that - you don't need to be paying half the bills.

The only way you are possibly being unfair - particularly if there is a smaller child involved - is the 'threatening' to move back and forth. You need to make a decision and stick to it. So for example.

"I'm not all together ready to move in with you currently, so whilst I'm happy to spend time here I will retain my flat as my home and spend 1-2 nights a week there and work from there for a couple of days a week. I'm happy contribute to food and pay £x towards bills (I'd make that a fixed figure around 20-25% of metered utilities and of course not include council tax etc)"
Not happy? I'll move back to my flat completely and we can date if you wish.

but tbh RUN....

SucculentChalice · 30/03/2022 14:40

Wow. How many red flags do you need? He's a nightmare, and he's going to cost you a fortune.

WibbleWobbleWibble · 30/03/2022 14:44

Listen to your instincts!!! You have done the right thing keeping your flat, move back there and ditch your boyfriend.

Guiltypleasures001 · 30/03/2022 14:44

Is this the twat who also has a child you have to pay towards as well
Such as outings and meals etc

You have already said what an absolute shocking abusive specimen he is in your last episode about him. You know he's shit so follow through and dump his arse he's not looking any better 2nd time around, he's trying to trap you

irishfarmer · 30/03/2022 14:45

This all sounds very strange. I think it shouldn't be this hard, and the fact it is shows that you have what seem like well founded hesitations on moving in with him.

If you want to stay with him I would move back to your own flat. He can visit you when he doesn't have DD

Barkingmadhouse · 30/03/2022 14:45

I think a lot of people jump to "he is awful, you must leave him" far too quickly. However, even I (who doesn't often think it) thinks you should leave his home and leave him. I can't imagine this getting any better. He has had chances and certainly doesn't seem to be getting any better

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/03/2022 14:45

Was in abusive relationship before and I'm not going to go back there!

I think you already have.

If you absolutely insist on staying (which I don't recommend) tell him you'll hand notice in on your place, and start paying rent when the notice period is up. Don't hand in notice; lie. When he shows he's a dickhead AGAIN then leave.

I feel very sorry for his DD. Poor thing. I hope her mum is doing well.

ZealAndArdour · 30/03/2022 14:46

Give him an amount to cover the last month so you can draw a line under it and hold your head high. And then move back to your own flat and decide if this is the right relationship for you.

He’s taking the piss and not treating you well, it sounds like he enjoyed the idea of having a second bill payer but didn’t actually want you living there or have to treat you with any kindness and respect.

Why should you pay half the expenses for his household when his child isn’t yours? You’re not responsible for feeding his child or providing a roof over her head, he should be contributing more on that basis.

Tell him you’ve changed your mind about living together and are happy to continue living in your own home.

CambsAlways · 30/03/2022 14:46

Get rid op

3peassuit · 30/03/2022 14:46

Finish it now. He is a nightmare.

jay55 · 30/03/2022 14:47

Why on earth did you go back? Go home and forget him.

MononokesWolf · 30/03/2022 14:47

Run the fuck away as fast as you can. So many red flags 🚩

Inkyblue123 · 30/03/2022 14:47

Run.

Onlyhonest · 30/03/2022 14:48

I remember your other thread and he wanted you to pay half for his daughter too. I think you only went back to him because he persuaded you but you had major doubts? I would definitely go back to your own place. He sounds really horrible.

FOJN · 30/03/2022 14:48

You have previously been in an abusive relationship and your current partner has demonstrated highly manipulative behaviour which suggests he will become more abusive once you have given up the security of your own home so yes you are being unreasonable for even wondering if you are at fault here.

Dump him before it feels like you are trapped and don't look back.

IncompleteSenten · 30/03/2022 14:49

Did you post about this before? You gave notice on your flat then he started being an absolute twat but you were able to get your landlord to agree to keep you so you didn't move in?

Chloemol · 30/03/2022 14:49

Red flags all over this
Dump and move on

Indicatrice · 30/03/2022 14:49

Oh Goodness, he is really horrible, OP. Why do you think you only deserve him? You deserve a lot more. Please move home this weekend.

IncompleteSenten · 30/03/2022 14:50

He wants your money and you to have nowhere to go.
You surely to god must realise that by now?

Mix56 · 30/03/2022 14:51

So basically he has already shown you what happens if you don't obey do what he wants
He wants you to sub him & his DD
Boot to touch

Thedogscollar · 30/03/2022 14:51

Far too controlling.
Never give up your safe space.
I'd say ditch and move on.

JungleRed · 30/03/2022 14:53

I remember your previous thread and yet somehow he has manipulated you into living with him - what he wanted all along - and now wants to charge you for the privilege. Remember the relief you felt when you managed to keep your flat. Please dump this prick for good.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 30/03/2022 14:54

Run. I remember your last thread. He's had all the chances he needs to show you that he's horrible. Just go and don't look back.

Helpplease101 · 30/03/2022 14:54

Speaking from experience DO NOT give up your flat. Also back off and date him rather than live with him (preferably while you decide if you really want moody behaviour)