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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner charging rent

267 replies

6pmGinOclock · 30/03/2022 14:21

NC for this.
Was to move in with partner last month into his flat. We both rent.
As soon as I handed in notice he started being awkward, silent treatments, lack of restect, twisting things, saying I'm over reacting and so on.

I have changed my mind, put a halt on the move and kept my rented flat. (Was in abusive relationship before and I'm not going to go back there!)
He apologised, said he loves me and would like us to try and overcome problems, every relationship has problems and it is normal to not feel happy sometimes.

He wanted me to be at his flat with him despite the fact I have decided to keep my flat too. He wanted me to get rid of the other flat because he says I'm too attached to it, it isn't healthy and because of that we can't progress and move on. I still want to keep my flat until I know if this relationship is going to work, still have majority of furniture there but essentially live with him, because he insisted on it.

Today he is asking me for a rent payment, ie he wants me to pay half of his all bills including rent. Because I still have the other flat I simply can't afford to pay for both flats and would need to dip in savings every month to pay him rent. I'm happy to pay my own way so he isn't out of pocket ie half of utilities and food. When being here I already spent much more money on food for us 3 (me, him and his DD who is here 50% of time) than I would normally do.

We spoke last week and he mentioned rent and I've said if he wants me to pay him rent (we never had this conversation before so I actually was baffled), I can't afford it and I have no choice but move back to my flat. I was happy to do it but he didn't like it and still wanted me to stay where I am. As soon as I mentioned that I can move my stuff back over to my flat he started saying how unreliable I am and he can't trust me.

I wanted to give us a chance and keep the arrangement from before we agreed to live together - I was at his more because I work from home and he lives close to his work and DD. I would be happy for us to live in my flat but he doesn't like it because it is too far. He is not out of pocket at all and earns good money. But he says that because I've agreed to living together, and we essentially do, he expects me to pay half of all bills.
Of course I would pay half if I was happy to move in together, but I'm not, I need more time. I would like to wait a few months to see how things are between us but he doesn't like it.

Am I being unreasonable?
I want to be fair but maybe I'm seeing it from wrong perspective?

OP posts:
FOJN · 30/03/2022 18:28

I always thought I was smart and yet getting into another abusive relationship where I would swear three months ago I wasn't in one. I felt loved, respected and listened to.

After one abusive relationship it's easy to make excuses for another abuser. Typically they will blame you for everything that's wrong in a relationship, when you hear this often enough it's understandable you would question yourself but it's possible to encounter multiple abusive men. It does not mean there is something wrong with you or that you are the problem as much as they will try to convince you you are.

You've kept your flat and know you don't need him to support you. Throw this one back before he has a chance to undermine you any more.

PoshHorseyBird · 30/03/2022 18:29

Tell him that for the time being you're keeping your flat as you're not ready to move in with him. If he was genuine he'd understand and be happy to wait. However your gut instinct is kicking in here, please listen to it. I think deep down you know moving in with this guy is a bad idea.

Bananalanacake · 30/03/2022 18:30

How long have you been together? I have a thing I call the 5 year rule, which is no talk of living together for at least 5 years, if they don't like it they can fuck off, though previous boyfriends have respected this. My space is my own, I am not giving it up just because a man tells me to.

Painiscrap · 30/03/2022 18:39

I remember your previous thread. I can’t believe that you are still with your partner, after the way he treated you when you were moving in with him! You were so pleased when your landlord let you stay on, but here you are again, mainly staying at his and he is still trying to get you to move in with him!

Surely you realise that this wanting you to pay rent is just another tactic to get you to give up your flat. You have already seen what he is like when he thinks you are reliant on staying in his flat. You were lucky last time, that your landlord let you stay. Please, have some self respect, you are worth more than what a life with this person would be like! Don’t let him get his claws further into you. He is trying to get you under his control, he is not going to change, you need to move on with your life without him.

Keepingthingsinteresting · 30/03/2022 18:47

@LampLighter414

Pay some rent and give him a chance OP
Why should she, he’s abusive…..
CliffsofMohair · 30/03/2022 18:47

Your previous history of abusive partners is key here.

The last guy isn’t the standard that the current guy needs to reach. The current guy is awful.

You are allowed to make your own decisions. Consider the freedom programme before you give up your flat or do anything that ties you to him.

WonderfulYou · 30/03/2022 18:48

He doesn’t actually want to be with you he just wants a room mate to go halves on rent.

Of course you wouldn’t pay rent if you don’t live there.
He’s a joke and thank god this happened now before you gave yours up.

cakewench · 30/03/2022 18:49

Leave, OP. He is manipulating you, downplaying his own words and actions, and telling you to not trust your feelings. This isn't 'hitting a bad path', he's showing you who he is and it will be so much more difficult to leave this situation if you move in together.

"Because you've agreed to move in together" sounds as if he's already mentally spending the money he's going to save if you do, hence already billing you.

Just go.

RubiesandRose · 30/03/2022 18:57

You don't need to feel mortified or silly, no abuser shows there true colours when you first meet or are in a relationship with them. The abuse starts when they believe it is safe to do so.

He's now shown you multiple red flags and abusive traits. What would be mortifying and silly is to stay any longer now you can see who and what he is.

Blanca87 · 30/03/2022 19:06

Oh my god I remember your last thread why on earth are still with him.

JustWhyy · 30/03/2022 19:14

I remember your last thread too, sad too see he is still abusing you, please leave!

Mountainbear · 30/03/2022 19:16

YANBU - I would be running far far away from this man. Your instincts are telling you something - listen to them.

billy1966 · 30/03/2022 19:37

It is beyond sad and terrifying that you cannot see what is directly in front of you.

You ran out of his home because of his nasty treatment and his using you to pay for his child.

You desperately need to do the Freedomprogramme.co.uk before you are in any relationship.

You desperately need to learn how to protect yourself OP.

You are sleeping walking into ANOTHER abusive relationship.

Wasn't ONE abusive relationship enough for you.

You are obviously terrified of giving up on this relationship.

He will have you terrorised in HIS home the minute he is sure you are homeless.

This is a truly sad thread to read.
Please protect yourself.
Flowers

mommybear1 · 30/03/2022 20:00

I remember your old thread. It is time to move on OP this is not a good healthy relationship.

maeveiscurious · 30/03/2022 20:03

This isn't normal

dephlogisticated · 30/03/2022 20:05

Your boundaries have been excellent so far, thank goodness you kept the flat, keep strong lovely x

Fairislefandango · 30/03/2022 20:12

As soon as I handed in notice he started being awkward, silent treatments, lack of restect, twisting things, saying I'm over reacting and so on.

Come on OP. Read this back to yourself. Why on earth would you voluntarily stay with a man who behaves like this to you?

Stop questioning yourself about whether it's 'really that bad'. How bad do you think it needs to be to justify leaving him? The oy acceptable amount of abusive behaviour in a relationship is: none.

Alicenwonderland · 30/03/2022 20:16

I remember your previous thread. Please leave before you are well and truly trapped. It will get worse, much worse. At the moment you have options, if you give up your flat and move in with him they will be severely limited. He's obviously incredibly manipulative for you to still be with him despite all the great advice you were given last time and the fact you kept your flat. Remember, we don't choose abusers, they choose us. Also they can be the very best relationship you've ever had and also the very worse. The wonderful man is the fake, the nasty one is who he really is. Keep reminding yourself of this. It takes strength to leave but you are incredibly strong, you've done it before.

freedomhereicome · 30/03/2022 20:31

What was the other thread?!

I've only posted on this one. I haven't seen any others but the red flags are glaring in this one already.

But it's worrying there has been another thread. Presumably with lots of red flags in that too. And the op is still there

No judgment. I know how hard it is to leave even when you know it's utterly destructive. But I'm afraid this is only going one way.

Original poster
6pmGinOclock · 30/03/2022 21:15

Thank you Thanks
I see what I don't like about being with him but it's like I'm in denial, I don't want to believe it, I want the good him to be back and he is back for a while.
Even if it was us hitting a bad path surely you respect each other and work on improving things in a way which is good for both, not just one person.
He knows I can't afford paying for both flats so this is his way of trying to force me to give up mine. I'm not doing that and because of what he says and does I'm not moving in with him either.

I went back for some counselling (had it for nearly two years last time).

Thank you once again x

OP posts:
Dobbyismyabsolutefav · 30/03/2022 21:20

Run OP and don't look back.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 30/03/2022 21:22

There wasn't a good him..
His acting was just better back then.
The facade has slipped. This is the real him...

GettingItOutThere · 30/03/2022 21:25

@6pmGinOclock

Thank you Thanks I see what I don't like about being with him but it's like I'm in denial, I don't want to believe it, I want the good him to be back and he is back for a while. Even if it was us hitting a bad path surely you respect each other and work on improving things in a way which is good for both, not just one person. He knows I can't afford paying for both flats so this is his way of trying to force me to give up mine. I'm not doing that and because of what he says and does I'm not moving in with him either.

I went back for some counselling (had it for nearly two years last time).

Thank you once again x

dump him!!

why are you still with this man? so many red flags, i remember your other thread too

GettingItOutThere · 30/03/2022 21:25

@6pmGinOclock

Thank you Thanks I see what I don't like about being with him but it's like I'm in denial, I don't want to believe it, I want the good him to be back and he is back for a while. Even if it was us hitting a bad path surely you respect each other and work on improving things in a way which is good for both, not just one person. He knows I can't afford paying for both flats so this is his way of trying to force me to give up mine. I'm not doing that and because of what he says and does I'm not moving in with him either.

I went back for some counselling (had it for nearly two years last time).

Thank you once again x

dump him!!

why are you still with this man? so many red flags, i remember your other thread too

Hawkins001 · 30/03/2022 21:39

@6pmGinOclock

Thank you Thanks I see what I don't like about being with him but it's like I'm in denial, I don't want to believe it, I want the good him to be back and he is back for a while. Even if it was us hitting a bad path surely you respect each other and work on improving things in a way which is good for both, not just one person. He knows I can't afford paying for both flats so this is his way of trying to force me to give up mine. I'm not doing that and because of what he says and does I'm not moving in with him either.

I went back for some counselling (had it for nearly two years last time).

Thank you once again x

If he truly wants you and wanted to help, he would help you rather than use various tactics that make it seem like it's you and not him that's wrong, call his bluff and all the best op