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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner charging rent

267 replies

6pmGinOclock · 30/03/2022 14:21

NC for this.
Was to move in with partner last month into his flat. We both rent.
As soon as I handed in notice he started being awkward, silent treatments, lack of restect, twisting things, saying I'm over reacting and so on.

I have changed my mind, put a halt on the move and kept my rented flat. (Was in abusive relationship before and I'm not going to go back there!)
He apologised, said he loves me and would like us to try and overcome problems, every relationship has problems and it is normal to not feel happy sometimes.

He wanted me to be at his flat with him despite the fact I have decided to keep my flat too. He wanted me to get rid of the other flat because he says I'm too attached to it, it isn't healthy and because of that we can't progress and move on. I still want to keep my flat until I know if this relationship is going to work, still have majority of furniture there but essentially live with him, because he insisted on it.

Today he is asking me for a rent payment, ie he wants me to pay half of his all bills including rent. Because I still have the other flat I simply can't afford to pay for both flats and would need to dip in savings every month to pay him rent. I'm happy to pay my own way so he isn't out of pocket ie half of utilities and food. When being here I already spent much more money on food for us 3 (me, him and his DD who is here 50% of time) than I would normally do.

We spoke last week and he mentioned rent and I've said if he wants me to pay him rent (we never had this conversation before so I actually was baffled), I can't afford it and I have no choice but move back to my flat. I was happy to do it but he didn't like it and still wanted me to stay where I am. As soon as I mentioned that I can move my stuff back over to my flat he started saying how unreliable I am and he can't trust me.

I wanted to give us a chance and keep the arrangement from before we agreed to live together - I was at his more because I work from home and he lives close to his work and DD. I would be happy for us to live in my flat but he doesn't like it because it is too far. He is not out of pocket at all and earns good money. But he says that because I've agreed to living together, and we essentially do, he expects me to pay half of all bills.
Of course I would pay half if I was happy to move in together, but I'm not, I need more time. I would like to wait a few months to see how things are between us but he doesn't like it.

Am I being unreasonable?
I want to be fair but maybe I'm seeing it from wrong perspective?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 30/03/2022 16:23

@LampLighter414

Pay some rent and give him a chance OP
What?

Why on earth would you think that's a good idea? RTFT

PaperTyger · 30/03/2022 16:24

Op it sounds like he's struggling with money and wants to get you in to ease his bills.

He's not being open with you he wants something else.
Move back onto your flat and asses your situation

FirewomanSam · 30/03/2022 16:25

Oooft. Red flags ALL OVER this. I’m so glad you still have your flat. Please go back there and cut your losses, this is not a good relationship. I’m willing to bet he expects you to do most of the childcare for his daughter when she’s visiting? He wants you trapped in his home, under his thumb, without financial freedom. Get out of there.

Feedingthebirds1 · 30/03/2022 16:26

I see it but I'm not sure if I'm not imagining all this or over reacting. And I'm not sure how bad it actually is.

It's about as bad as it can be. He made you feel all loved up until you got to the point of moving in with him then - wham. When he thought he's got you snared he started being nasty.

And he's only got 'nice' since when it's looked like you were asserting your boundaries, because he needs to reel you back in.

If you give up your flat then he really has got you, and the behaviour you've seen will be permanent because you'll not have an easy option to return to.

He is not a nice person, however he seemed/acted at the beginning. Get rid, or your life will be miserable.

tempester28 · 30/03/2022 16:28

He was difficult with you when you had given notice as he thought you no longer had a choice. Maybe stay with him a few days a week and contribute to food ect. But definitely don’t pay rent until you move in full time and give up your own flat. Doesn’t sound like a good idea though.

LoisLane66 · 30/03/2022 16:28

THIS WONT END WELL if you give up your flat.
He'll have you over a barrel and you'll have nowhere to go. His bullying will escalate and you'll be miserable and end up with nothing.
Leave the relationship. He will never change no matter how long you wait to see if he behaves in a better manner towards you.
Have faith in yourself and your gut feeling, move the rest of your furniture back to your own flat (while he's at work) and tell him it's over.

yellowtwo · 30/03/2022 16:29

Who treats someone they love like that? He's now asking for half the rent while he knows you pay rent on your own flat, the flat you kept because of how he acted towards you. This stuff about you being too attached to the flat and it being unhealthy, he's gaslighting you, you were going to move to his until he start acting badly towards you.
You should go back to your flat and enjoy time by yourself for now, get rid of him OP. Flowers

Flakjacketon · 30/03/2022 16:29

I remember your previous thread. You made a wise decision then - to keep your flat make another one now and move back to it permanently.

It sounds like he was looking forward to having more spending money and possibly child care for his daughter. You scuppered his plans so he is trying a different tack.

First he insists his previous bad moods were a bad patch 🚩. Then insists he wants you at his place all the time🚩. Says you are too attached to your flat - manipulative🚩. Now because you at his place most of the time you have to pay half the rent 🚩.

That's at least 4 🚩🚩🚩🚩

I am sorry to say, he is not a nice man trust your gut, move back to your flat and live your fine independent life. If you stay with him it will only get worse. Think about what advice you would give a friend under these circumstances then act on it. 💐

StripeyDeckchair · 30/03/2022 16:30

It sounds like you boyfriend has already started to trample down your boundaries.
I'd take a large step back and move back into your own flat (lock, stock & barrel - take ALL your possession at his place with you)
You can then reassess the relationship & decide whether that is what you want.

He comes over as controlling to me which would be v off-putting. Also is he jealous that you out earn him? Does that make him put you down & try to control you? Because if that's what's behind it RUN, your partner should be your biggest supporter, proud of what you do & what you achieve.

tara66 · 30/03/2022 16:30

YANBU - move on - next!

SoupDragon · 30/03/2022 16:30

Ordinarily, yes you should pay rent. However, in this case, run back to your own flat as fast as you can!

Quackpot · 30/03/2022 16:31

Run

arethereanyleftatall · 30/03/2022 16:31

Op - a woman with a normal idea of what a healthy relationship should look like, wouldn't have entertained any of this nonsense.

PupInAPram · 30/03/2022 16:31

Words mean nothing, actions mean everything. It's a bloody hard lesson to learn.

FirewomanSam · 30/03/2022 16:31

I believed him when he said he loved me like no one else before, that he doesn't imagine life without me in it, that he wants us to be together for good and bad. And I shouldn't just back put because we hit a bad path.

Honestly, this kind of intense talk sounds like classic love-bombing. My husband and I love each other very much, he’s the love of my life, but we’ve never felt the need to make grand proclamations to each other like this. My ex used to say stuff like this to me all the time and I now realise it basically meant ‘I’ll treat you like shit but you’re a bad person if you leave me because I loooove you’.

MsPavlichenko · 30/03/2022 16:35

As you realise you are in another abusive relationship. He targeted you.

If you’ve not done the Freedom Programme do it now (even online). If you have do it again.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

123LiloLill · 30/03/2022 16:35

If he is being this twatty now, just imagine what he will be like in a few weeks/months time. Imagine if you had given up your flat and had nowhere to go back to? Run and don't look back.

BlueOverYellow · 30/03/2022 16:35

If you're the poster who previously posted about his immediate change in treatment of you last month when you gave notice and were going to move in with him and his daughter...

WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH HIM?

He thought he had you where you had no choice; he was only nice when you managed to keep your flat. And now he's trying to bully you into paying for his lifestyle.

Run! Love yourself, look after yourself, you can do better ... run!

Livebythecoast · 30/03/2022 16:38

If you're the same poster, I commented on your last thread. Everyone was so happy for you that you got to stay in your flat after giving notice. You had doubts, and rightly so. Please do not give up your flat again. I guarantee once you move in with him, you will be powerless and he will be calling the shots cos you're in HIS flat.
IF you want to continue this relationship (I personally wouldn't but I'm not you), stay a couple of nights, contribute to food or whatever but please do not give up your flat or independence.

Wishing you all the very best.

Riseholme · 30/03/2022 16:39

He wants you to pay rent so you'll give up your flat to afford it.
He's trying every trick he can to make you vulnerable.
Sack him off.
He does not love you.

emmetgirl · 30/03/2022 16:40

Run away as fast as you can!

Shunter350 · 30/03/2022 16:40

Ye gods.. run away.

BuanoKubiamVej · 30/03/2022 16:41

You are not imagining this
You are not overreacting
He has been hiding his true colous while he works towards getting you under his control. The mask has slipped and you have seen a glimpse beneath.

He is now trying to convince you that you were mistaken but you are not. He is no good for you. Keep your independence and do not have anything further to do with this man.

Nousernameforme · 30/03/2022 16:42

You've done brilliantly so far not allowing yourself to be trapped by this man. Dont spoil it now. You have your own home, you have a good job you are in a very strong position here.
If it were me I would move back to my own place and say you need some space to think about where the relationship is going.
Be prepared for some massive love bombing. He seems to see you as a cash cow and will be tricky to shake off.

OhThatChicken · 30/03/2022 16:43

Did you post about this before? I can't advance search properly on my phone but if you're the same poster I'm so glad you slowed everything down - it was clearly the right move!

He seems to see you as a meal ticket and is not just unreliable himself but also at points already gaslighting you.

At this point surely the red flags are basically bunting? You deserve better than this. Take all your stuff from his place and go home.

ThanksWine