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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner charging rent

267 replies

6pmGinOclock · 30/03/2022 14:21

NC for this.
Was to move in with partner last month into his flat. We both rent.
As soon as I handed in notice he started being awkward, silent treatments, lack of restect, twisting things, saying I'm over reacting and so on.

I have changed my mind, put a halt on the move and kept my rented flat. (Was in abusive relationship before and I'm not going to go back there!)
He apologised, said he loves me and would like us to try and overcome problems, every relationship has problems and it is normal to not feel happy sometimes.

He wanted me to be at his flat with him despite the fact I have decided to keep my flat too. He wanted me to get rid of the other flat because he says I'm too attached to it, it isn't healthy and because of that we can't progress and move on. I still want to keep my flat until I know if this relationship is going to work, still have majority of furniture there but essentially live with him, because he insisted on it.

Today he is asking me for a rent payment, ie he wants me to pay half of his all bills including rent. Because I still have the other flat I simply can't afford to pay for both flats and would need to dip in savings every month to pay him rent. I'm happy to pay my own way so he isn't out of pocket ie half of utilities and food. When being here I already spent much more money on food for us 3 (me, him and his DD who is here 50% of time) than I would normally do.

We spoke last week and he mentioned rent and I've said if he wants me to pay him rent (we never had this conversation before so I actually was baffled), I can't afford it and I have no choice but move back to my flat. I was happy to do it but he didn't like it and still wanted me to stay where I am. As soon as I mentioned that I can move my stuff back over to my flat he started saying how unreliable I am and he can't trust me.

I wanted to give us a chance and keep the arrangement from before we agreed to live together - I was at his more because I work from home and he lives close to his work and DD. I would be happy for us to live in my flat but he doesn't like it because it is too far. He is not out of pocket at all and earns good money. But he says that because I've agreed to living together, and we essentially do, he expects me to pay half of all bills.
Of course I would pay half if I was happy to move in together, but I'm not, I need more time. I would like to wait a few months to see how things are between us but he doesn't like it.

Am I being unreasonable?
I want to be fair but maybe I'm seeing it from wrong perspective?

OP posts:
AlisonDonut · 30/03/2022 16:45

What else is it going to take before you realise you are in another abusive relationship?

Because you are. And you know it.

oviraptor21 · 30/03/2022 16:51

Don't give up your flat - lucky you were able to hang on to it - do not ever give it up until you've trialled living with someone for something like a year. And then - make sure whoever you move in with, you're on an equal footing with or you are on control ie. joint tenancy or sole tenancy in your name.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 30/03/2022 16:51

I always thought I was smart and yet getting into another abusive relationship where I would swear three months ago I wasn't in one. I felt loved, respected and listened to

Abusers always start out seeming like a ‘good catch’ otherwise no one would ever get together with one.

But love bombing and wanting to get you into a relationship fast are often characteristics of abusers before they start the abuse.

There was a clue: he thought you should not ‘back out’ because of how he felt, as if that was what counted, not what you felt. He was telling you that what you felt was wrong. You felt what you felt!

If you have previously been in an abusive relationship, have you looked into the mechanics of abuse? Read any books about it? I haven’t read it but this is often recommended on MN www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=asc_df_0425191656/?hvlocphy=1006765&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&psc=1&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvadid=310834580283&hvpone&hvlocint&th=1&hvpos&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=pla-433820743808&hvrand=6626771715107717991

Verv · 30/03/2022 16:53

Dear god, RUN.

Everything you've said is classic gaslighting and abuse, and the coffin nail was that you're independent and earn well.
Dude is after you for the bills, and you've seen how he behaves when it looks like he's getting his way.

Get out, Go, Leave.

jeaux90 · 30/03/2022 16:54

Big Nope.
Well done for keeping your flat and boundaries.

billy1966 · 30/03/2022 17:02

OP,

You were so clever to get your flat back.

Please do not be sucked back in.

He is nasty, ugly user.

Wanting you to pay for his house and daughter.

You are in another abusive relationship.

You will bitterly regret not listening to what you know to be true in your gut.

He's nasty scum that reeled you in but dropped his guard to quickly.

Nasty user him, is the real him.

Do you really want ANOTHER abusive relationship?

Just because you want him to be a good man, doesn't me he will be.

He has shown you EXACTLY who he is and you are trying to talk yourself out of what you know to be true.

Please don't do that.

You will bitterly regret it.

Be brave.
Accept what you know to be true.
He's scum.
Using scum.
Flowers

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 30/03/2022 17:03

I earn more than him

Does he see you as some sort of cashpoint?

I'd leave it at that, pack your stuff and go back to your home and call it a day.

WilsonMilson · 30/03/2022 17:05

Just imagine what kind of shit he’s going to pull when you get rid of your flat and have nowhere else to go?! You’ll be up shit creek then.

Do not get rid of your flat, get rid of this man.

mistyoak · 30/03/2022 17:05

First he insists his previous bad moods were a bad patch 🚩. Then insists he wants you at his place all the time🚩. Says you are too attached to your flat - manipulative🚩. Now because you at his place most of the time you have to pay half the rent 🚩.

You can leave this shitty man right this second. Life is very short and you are worth more than this manipulative individual

WanderleyWagon · 30/03/2022 17:06

Oh, he sounds not kind and not trustworthy. I'd drop him like a hot brick and go back to my place.

gamerchick · 30/03/2022 17:07

@Momijin

Well done for spotting this. Luckily he showed his colours just before you moved in. He is controlling and abusive. Run. End the relationship
He's not very good at it really. His timing was well shit there.

He's shown you his hand OP. Take hour stuff and go home. Then have a think about the future.

Fluffycloudland77 · 30/03/2022 17:09

Men are really good at acting though, and they will say ANYTHING to get what they want.

We know couples where the man’s a serial cheater yet they get gf after gf & they all think their special. Their not even attractive I honestly don’t know how they get the women in the first place.

Iusedtoliveinsanfrancisco · 30/03/2022 17:09

If he doesn’t understand why you want to keep your flat he doesn’t understand you and if he doesn’t understand you he doesn’t love you.

Delectable · 30/03/2022 17:16

He's moved you in for his pleasure and wants you to pay for it including looking after his DD and feeding her. You deserve better.

MayDayMayDayMay · 30/03/2022 17:19

Read your post again. And run run. Don’t look back.

HowIsThisRight · 30/03/2022 17:19

No no no. You know what you need to do.

I once was asked to move in with a boyfriend. He was really keen on it and asked over and over. I did but he was very against me keeping my old 2 bed terraced on (a rent I could afford as it was a family member's house I was renting for less than £50 a week) I used the excuse that I needed somewhere to store my furniture until I could find time to sell, move or dispose of it. My friend (and irregular housemate of the past) eventually moved in and my BF was under the impression (I may have inferred such to shut him up from saying "You don't need it now! Don't you think we're going to stay together?!") that it was gone. That I had given it up,

His ex got back in touch and within a couple of months he was asking me to leave without warning, not caring that I would have had no where to go. I didn't even argue more than telling him what I thought of him whilst breathing a sigh of relief that my peppercorn rent house was still mine.

IncompleteSenten · 30/03/2022 17:19

You've given enough examples of what he says on this and your other thread for us all to be able to tell you he's bad news.

Are you filtering all that out and only hearing the I love you bits?

Make a list of all the demands he's made of you. All the insults and the manipulative comments. If you make yourself a list you'll see what we see.
I remember your other thread and he said some really nasty things to you didn't he? And switched the second he thought you'd have no choice but to live with him.

You are not in a healthy relationship.

Changechangychange · 30/03/2022 17:23

@girlmom21

He doesn't want you to give up your flat because you're too attached to it. He wants you to give up your flat so that you're solely reliant on him and you can't leave.

Run OP. He's another abuser in the making.

This. Once you’ve given up your flat he’ll think you can’t leave. He sounds awful.
Cillmantain · 30/03/2022 17:26

He has shown you who he is.
As soon as he thought you had given up your flat and had nowhere to run to he started behaving badly and then only changed when you got your flat back.
This is abusive behaviour.
Get rid of him.

Mewski · 30/03/2022 17:27

@Xiaoxiong

Run, far and fast. He is doing his level best to break down your (excellent) boundaries.
Totally. And actually this is the making of an abusive relationship.
BoredZelda · 30/03/2022 17:28

If I was moving in with someone and keeping a flat in case it didn’t work out, I’d wonder why I was moving in with them.

It’s fair that if you share a flat, you pay half the rent.

Fernandina · 30/03/2022 17:30

As soon as I handed in notice he started being awkward, silent treatments, lack of restect, twisting things, saying I'm over reacting and so on

He apologised, said he loves me, and would like us to try and overcome problems

Us? Him, more like. He's the one causing the problems.

Keepp the flat, ditch the boyfriend.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 30/03/2022 17:35

Get rid 100% and ASAP. On another note, either don't DTD with him anymore 🤞 or double up on contraceptives. This sort likes to upduff women to assert even more control...

Windypants21 · 30/03/2022 17:38

From what you've said he sounds controlling. I'd rather be single than lonely in a relationship, this is ALL about him, not you. If you move in with him he will have so much more control over you, manipulate you further and it'll be harder for you to go as you'll have nowhere else to go. Listen to what everyone is saying .... stay in YOUR flat and.... get rid of him ! He is up to no good.

Abaababa · 30/03/2022 17:38

I remember your last post and how he was a dick and basically using you as a glorified nanny. Was hoping you would seen the light of day and made tracks. How many times do you need to realise this is a very unhealthy relationship? It sounds like he literally has no redeeming features and you don’t have enough self esteem to rise above this shit for good.