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Original poster

Partner charging rent

267 replies

6pmGinOclock · 30/03/2022 14:21

NC for this.
Was to move in with partner last month into his flat. We both rent.
As soon as I handed in notice he started being awkward, silent treatments, lack of restect, twisting things, saying I'm over reacting and so on.

I have changed my mind, put a halt on the move and kept my rented flat. (Was in abusive relationship before and I'm not going to go back there!)
He apologised, said he loves me and would like us to try and overcome problems, every relationship has problems and it is normal to not feel happy sometimes.

He wanted me to be at his flat with him despite the fact I have decided to keep my flat too. He wanted me to get rid of the other flat because he says I'm too attached to it, it isn't healthy and because of that we can't progress and move on. I still want to keep my flat until I know if this relationship is going to work, still have majority of furniture there but essentially live with him, because he insisted on it.

Today he is asking me for a rent payment, ie he wants me to pay half of his all bills including rent. Because I still have the other flat I simply can't afford to pay for both flats and would need to dip in savings every month to pay him rent. I'm happy to pay my own way so he isn't out of pocket ie half of utilities and food. When being here I already spent much more money on food for us 3 (me, him and his DD who is here 50% of time) than I would normally do.

We spoke last week and he mentioned rent and I've said if he wants me to pay him rent (we never had this conversation before so I actually was baffled), I can't afford it and I have no choice but move back to my flat. I was happy to do it but he didn't like it and still wanted me to stay where I am. As soon as I mentioned that I can move my stuff back over to my flat he started saying how unreliable I am and he can't trust me.

I wanted to give us a chance and keep the arrangement from before we agreed to live together - I was at his more because I work from home and he lives close to his work and DD. I would be happy for us to live in my flat but he doesn't like it because it is too far. He is not out of pocket at all and earns good money. But he says that because I've agreed to living together, and we essentially do, he expects me to pay half of all bills.
Of course I would pay half if I was happy to move in together, but I'm not, I need more time. I would like to wait a few months to see how things are between us but he doesn't like it.

Am I being unreasonable?
I want to be fair but maybe I'm seeing it from wrong perspective?

OP posts:
SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 30/03/2022 15:32

@LampLighter414

Pay some rent and give him a chance OP
There's always one knob
theremustonlybeone · 30/03/2022 15:33

Oh dear you stayed with him after he was insisting you pay half towards his daughter and treated you like shit. I think you need to stay at your own flat and ditch the arse

Herejustforthisone · 30/03/2022 15:34

@LampLighter414

Pay some rent and give him a chance OP
You don’t give good advice. And if you’re giving shit advice for fun, politely, don’t.
HomeHomeInTheRange · 30/03/2022 15:37

It’s all about what he wants and what is best for him, isn’t it?

How dare he decide that you are ‘too attached’ to your flat!

He wants you to subsidise his home for him and his Dd.

He is the one pressurising you to spend time at his flat.

Fair enough to contribute to his utilities if you are not using yours, and to cover your share of groceries consumed while at his.

But he is pressurising and trying to control you.

And playing mind games. Telling you you have to pay half his rent because you said you wanted to live together!

I would back way way off. He is not trustworthy.

altforvarmt · 30/03/2022 15:38

Everything he does is to make you feel that you don't have solid ground underneath your feet.

It's unsettling now; it'll be petrifying quite soon down the line.

Get away from him now, for your own sake.

IncompleteSenten · 30/03/2022 15:38

@LampLighter414

Pay some rent and give him a chance OP
You read how the op described him and maybe the other thread posters have mentioned that explains yet more ways he's an absolute wanker and your advice is pay up and move in?

What's gone wrong with you that you think a woman should put herself in that situation?

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/03/2022 15:39

@LampLighter414

Pay some rent and give him a chance OP
New series on BBC1 Handmaiden, Troll or MRA? - You Decide

Each week we post a ridiculous comment from the internet and YOU DECIDE, it is a handmaiden who's made terrible relationship choices and wants you to suffer too? A troll who simply doesn't care? Or an MRA who wants women to suffer?

IncompleteSenten · 30/03/2022 15:40

Bravo, mrsT!

FantasticButtocks · 30/03/2022 15:41

Could it be that it is not about him actually 'wanting your money' and 'wanting you to pay', but that he is using money/rent as a way to get you under his control?

If he can get you to pay him rent, then he knows that would mean you won't be able to afford to pay for your own place too. So therefore a way to manipulate you into a position where you have to give up the flat. Then when you don't have any alternative place to be other than his house, he can behave as badly as he wants towards you as you'll be stuck there.

He's not a good bet for a harmonious life, OP.

Having your own place and the freedom to live as you please, to be in charge of yourself and your decisions, those are good ingredients for a harmonious and satisfying life.

Thanks
Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 30/03/2022 15:43

I would say getting you to pay for half of his costs has been his motive all along. None of this should be happening, he is clearly a manipulative individual who puts himself first and will continue to do so. You would be foolhardy indeed to move into this persons flat. To be honest I would thinking of ending the relationship and moving on. There is no happy future with a person who behaves like this, just escalating abuse, boundary violations and erosion of your self esteem.

ErrmWTAF · 30/03/2022 15:45

OO, I remember your last fred.

Do you remember your last fred?

Please, please get out now.

ProudAlly · 30/03/2022 15:45

Dump him OP. You can see this for what it is

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/03/2022 15:46

"As soon as I handed in notice he started being awkward, silent treatments, lack of restect, twisting things, saying I'm over reacting and so on."
He's probably kicking himself now for unmasking his true self too early - when you still have the escape route of your own flat open to you. Yet he persists in trying to close that escape route. Making your flat unaffordable to you by asking for rent - it is pertinent that he never raised that topic before - is just another attempt to make it harder for you to end the relationship by having nowhere to live.

Please don't continue with this relationship. You were in an abusive relationship before, and you're in one now - it's just a different flavour of abuse to last time's.

Move out, back to the safety of your own home. This man is definitely NOT a keeper.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 30/03/2022 15:46

@LampLighter414

Pay some rent and give him a chance OP
Is a lamplight the same as a gaslight?
IncompleteSenten · 30/03/2022 15:48

Nah. It's a twatlight.

KarenOLantern · 30/03/2022 15:48

Was to move in with partner last month into his flat. We both rent.
As soon as I handed in notice he started being awkward, silent treatments, lack of restect, twisting things, saying I'm over reacting and so on.

He thought he had you trapped so he could let his true colours show (similarly to how many abusive men start their abuse when their partner is pregnant, or after the wedding). When you backtracked, he scrabbled to backpedal.

He wanted me to get rid of the other flat because he says I'm too attached to it, it isn't healthy

He doesn't like you having something that gives you independence and autonomy.

So many red flags. But you obviously have excellent intuition (which is what made you keep your flat) and boundaries so you already have the tools to extricate yourself now, before it's too late.

CanIPleaseHaveOne · 30/03/2022 15:48

Your instinct is good.

Learn to trust it!

Tortabella · 30/03/2022 15:50

Runnnnnn. If he has a daughter 50% of the time I imagine it's good for him to have you there for childcare as well. He sounds awful.

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 30/03/2022 15:51

Run for the hills!

Friedaseyebrow · 30/03/2022 15:51

Oh blimey OP red flags all over this. Thank goodness you have your flat. Have my first ever LTB, he's pushing at your boundaries and this is not healthy.

Ninjaexpress · 30/03/2022 15:51

Hi Op, I remember you. So I will add my voice to those screaming RUN at the screen!

amc8583 · 30/03/2022 15:53

So glad you kept your flat and didn't pack up your life for this guy. Please, as so so many have said...run run run and leave the relationship.

Thoosa · 30/03/2022 15:55

You know the answer.

Shoxfordian · 30/03/2022 15:56

Keep your flat and change your number
So many red flags

MayBMaybenot · 30/03/2022 15:56

Go back to your place and stay there. He's shown you who he is - be grateful you made the right decision about your own flat.

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