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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner charging rent

267 replies

6pmGinOclock · 30/03/2022 14:21

NC for this.
Was to move in with partner last month into his flat. We both rent.
As soon as I handed in notice he started being awkward, silent treatments, lack of restect, twisting things, saying I'm over reacting and so on.

I have changed my mind, put a halt on the move and kept my rented flat. (Was in abusive relationship before and I'm not going to go back there!)
He apologised, said he loves me and would like us to try and overcome problems, every relationship has problems and it is normal to not feel happy sometimes.

He wanted me to be at his flat with him despite the fact I have decided to keep my flat too. He wanted me to get rid of the other flat because he says I'm too attached to it, it isn't healthy and because of that we can't progress and move on. I still want to keep my flat until I know if this relationship is going to work, still have majority of furniture there but essentially live with him, because he insisted on it.

Today he is asking me for a rent payment, ie he wants me to pay half of his all bills including rent. Because I still have the other flat I simply can't afford to pay for both flats and would need to dip in savings every month to pay him rent. I'm happy to pay my own way so he isn't out of pocket ie half of utilities and food. When being here I already spent much more money on food for us 3 (me, him and his DD who is here 50% of time) than I would normally do.

We spoke last week and he mentioned rent and I've said if he wants me to pay him rent (we never had this conversation before so I actually was baffled), I can't afford it and I have no choice but move back to my flat. I was happy to do it but he didn't like it and still wanted me to stay where I am. As soon as I mentioned that I can move my stuff back over to my flat he started saying how unreliable I am and he can't trust me.

I wanted to give us a chance and keep the arrangement from before we agreed to live together - I was at his more because I work from home and he lives close to his work and DD. I would be happy for us to live in my flat but he doesn't like it because it is too far. He is not out of pocket at all and earns good money. But he says that because I've agreed to living together, and we essentially do, he expects me to pay half of all bills.
Of course I would pay half if I was happy to move in together, but I'm not, I need more time. I would like to wait a few months to see how things are between us but he doesn't like it.

Am I being unreasonable?
I want to be fair but maybe I'm seeing it from wrong perspective?

OP posts:
SpidersAreShitheads · 30/03/2022 14:55

Did you post about this before? If I recall correctly his DD was going through your things and you were being completely railroaded in every way?

I was so pleased for you that you were able to revoke your notice and get your place back. Your boundaries are fair and reasonable - I know you were wavering before, but do you really want to be with this person?

Every guy has some good points, even the abusers, so don't be derailed by the face he's nice sometimes. It just seems that fundamentally this man is not looking out for your best interests. It's all take, take, take and once you give up your flat, god help you.

Mummytobe93 · 30/03/2022 14:55

Are you the same OP who posted not long time ago about moving in with the partner and his DD?

BlingLoving · 30/03/2022 14:57

Well, it's not unreasonable for him to expect you to contribute if you're basically living there. The issue is that you should either move in, and give up your flat, or not be there so much. And you are not comfortable doing that because of his issues. I don't remember the details of the last thread but do remember it and from memory he was being very demanding, wanted everything his way and, I think, there was a suggestion that you were now going to be doing loads of childcare for his DD?

I think if you're not comfortable living together, stop being there so much and then agree together whether you continue the relationship but at a lower intensity or end it.

mamabr · 30/03/2022 14:57

No no no no
Please don't give up your flat.
Any half decent person would understand that you need time and wouldn't expect you to pay your rent and half of theirs.
Big red flags 🚩

Underfrighter · 30/03/2022 14:58

Honestly OP this post gave me the chills. Especially how his behaviour changed when he knew he had you 'trapped' by giving up your flat...and no real explanation (eg it didnt turn out to be issues with work or his daughter or something just a generic 'all relationships have issues').

Your post is ALL about what he wants and how is is trying to emotionally manipulate you to achieve it

Firstly most relationships split bills relative to earnings so if he out earns you he should earn more

Secondly it's his daughter not yours so you shouldn't even be considering paying half of her costs even if you do earn the same.

That's without all the other red flags. There is no compromise on his part - it's all about him. Moving in with him and paying half the bills benefits him, not you. He does not want to be fair or want what's best for you, both of which are basic fundamentals in a relationship.

These two paragraphs say it all...

"As soon as I handed in notice he started being awkward, silent treatments, lack of restect, twisting things, saying I'm over reacting and so on." He will be abusive if you move in

"He wanted me to get rid of the other flat because he says I'm too attached to it, it isn't healthy and because of that we can't progress and move on"..." As soon as I mentioned that I can move my stuff back over to my flat he started saying how unreliable I am and he can't trust me" Most people are emotionally attached to their own home. Its perfectly healthy. He is trying to emotionally manipulate you into a vulnerable position.

You know this isnt right. You've done well to leave an abusive relationship but it is worrying that you are even questioning whether you are being unreasonable. There are so many red flags that this will turn out to be another one. I'm so sorry but please seriously consider ending this relationship

LoganberryJam · 30/03/2022 14:58

OP, you know this isn't right. Well done for holding on to your flat, now you need to dump this loser.

HermioneMalfoy7 · 30/03/2022 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Ellie56 · 30/03/2022 15:00

Just stay in your own flat and dump him.

NeedleNoodle3 · 30/03/2022 15:00

Run

comfortablyfrumpy · 30/03/2022 15:02

YANBU.
As others have said, run far and fast.

Amybelle88 · 30/03/2022 15:03

🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Run!!!

Parky04 · 30/03/2022 15:06

He told you who he was when you were about to move in the first time! Move back to your own flat and end the relationship.

SisterRuth · 30/03/2022 15:07

Go back to your real home, your own flat. This bloke is just using you, he doesn't respect or love you. Go back HOME where nobody tries to force you to do things against your will.

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 30/03/2022 15:07

@Xiaoxiong

Run, far and fast. He is doing his level best to break down your (excellent) boundaries.
This^
Thewindwhispers · 30/03/2022 15:08

I don’t think this relationship will work out OP. Silent treatments, lack of respect etc, that isn’t attractive eh.

For what it’s worth, you’re not being unreasonable to keep your flat, and he’s not being unreasonable to expect you to pay half the bills if you really do live in his flat fulltime. As you’re finding out, you can’t physically move in, yet refuse to pay for anything, because it doesn’t work.

OrdinaryWoman · 30/03/2022 15:08

What you are describing is reflective of financial abuse. he is placing you in a position where you will have to comply to his demands and give up your flat. This is controlling and unhealthy and a major red flag.

Seraphinesupport · 30/03/2022 15:08

sounds like he wants to use you so you can pay half his rent and bills

daisy46 · 30/03/2022 15:09

ditch him. he's tight with money on top of all his other flaws.

FantasticButtocks · 30/03/2022 15:09

So you (sensibly) changed your mind and decided you didn't want to move in.

I still want to keep my flat until I know if this relationship is going to work

Very sensible decision. But he doesn't respect that, he wants what he wants. He doesn't respect what you want.

but essentially live with him, because he insisted on it.

He insisted on it. Is that ok with you? Him insisting that you live where he says?

Today he is asking me for a rent payment

So he's asking you to pay to do something you don't actually want to do.

Your instincts seem to be kicking in, to save yourself from being persuaded down a path you don't wish to go down - thank goodness you were able to get your notice back on your flat.

Bellringer · 30/03/2022 15:10

Well done for protecting yourself. Let him go

ittakes2 · 30/03/2022 15:12

He wants someone to share the bills with. He’s one of those that if you had a baby together he would still expect you to pay half the bills while not working and on maternity leave. As others have said run!!

sargeantsaltnpepper89 · 30/03/2022 15:13

Hes manipulating you with asking for rent when he knows u can't afford it in the hopes of u giving up your own which leaves you stuck to put up with his flakey behaviour towards u !! This man reeks of gaslighing and coercive control !! For you own well being and safety please do not give up your flat!! And better still id move back there and get some space from him as it sounds like he trying to slowing chip you down xx

LuaDipa · 30/03/2022 15:13

What a manipulative load of rubbish he’s spouting. Get rid and do it now.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 30/03/2022 15:14

Move back home permanently there'll always be something that he decides to critical on.

Snugglepumpkin · 30/03/2022 15:14

Keep the flat, find a new boyfriend.
It's probably easier to find a new boyfriend anyway.

This one has so many red flags he could make his own bunting.