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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby travel HUGE argument

382 replies

blinkywinkytime · 30/03/2022 12:00

Posted in wrong topic

Just looking to get other new parents opinions on an ongoing issue!

A 7 month old daughter being taken on a journey to join grandmother in a restaurant for her 60th birthday. Baby would be in the car for 6.5 hours in one day. No option to stay due to having my foster child over the next day so need to be back for that.

My gut feeling is it's too much travelling for her and she screams in car set when awake. Would sleep probably half of each leg of journey. Husband agrees with me.

Other option to meet half way grandmother refusing as it's her special birthday

AIBU ?

OP posts:
MrPickles73 · 31/03/2022 21:48

Lie flat car seat...

BingBangB0ng · 31/03/2022 21:53

@MrPickles73

Lie flat car seat...
How had I not even heard of these!?
Yourcatisnotsorry · 31/03/2022 22:02

Stay the day before? I had a child who hated the car seat - reflux. I would have still gone for this if I liked the grandma but timed it for naps so an hour or whatever late in the morning, stop when they wake up and do something for a few hours then back in the car for next slot for a nap.
alternative leave baby with the other parent (obviously harder if breastfeeding)

WTF475878237NC · 31/03/2022 22:17

BingBangB0ng

Many lie flats aren't actually safe when used in the car, but are for attaching to the pram. Crash safety data from which? is interesting.

WTF475878237NC · 31/03/2022 22:18

Read the updates people.

Saffronandthyme · 31/03/2022 22:38

Took our 6 month old on an 11hr flight to Thailand. Slept all the way. All babies are different. Go the night before or suggest a halfway meet. Your baby - your choices

Lovely13 · 31/03/2022 22:53

I did a solo 250-mile drive with a two month old and four year old. For a holiday. Was harsh. Return solo also v bad. Recommend staying at home and not bothering with heroic trips that no one will remember. Apart from you, for the hell. 🙁

Original poster
blinkywinkytime · 31/03/2022 23:10

Answer to questions do we get on. In many ways on paper we shouldn't but I have always found her very genotype to my husband and I over the years. Both with time and with my husbands demanding career. She does have a diva like attitude which her daughter seems to have no qualms with telling her to pipe down.

I can honestly say though hand on heart I would have the same concerns travelling that far with my daughter regardless of circumstances (who we were meeting etc) I think if it was a huge family party or something I would be much more inclined to stay over but as mentioned we have to put our foster daughter in respite which is only provided for so many hours pcm so so are limited to only doing it when we really have to.

The more I think about it the more I can see how entitled she has been over the years Shock

OP posts:
Ortega888 · 01/04/2022 00:05

I would politely decline the invitation telling them because of the baby you cannot make it but would love to meet up with them another time. Send a birthday card and a present and call to wish her a happy birthday and if she is a nice person she will accept it. If on the other hand she doesn’t understand what it’s like to have a baby and is being awkward birthday or no birthday don’t go and put you and your baby under that level of stress. Any decent person would totally understand that’s it’s too far to travel with a baby. Let us know how you get on. Good luck.

WindyKnickers · 01/04/2022 00:12

What is it about grown adults being so needy about "special" birthdays on MN? Grow a pair.

E17Stowmum · 01/04/2022 00:45

Who's enjoying this?

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 01/04/2022 02:02

Can't roll my eyes enough at the PPs saying their baby was ok in the car for long journeys so your baby should be fine. Of my 3 kids, two of them went through a stage of screaming themselves sick in the car. Nothing would console them or distract them. No bloody way would I have been travelling that distance with them while they were in that stage unless it was absolutely essential!

SoulOfPaddington · 01/04/2022 05:55

I'll say it. It's an invitation not a summons

MrsBizzyBody · 01/04/2022 07:49

Congratulations on your baby. Sounds like a trial for you. Why would you put yourself through that? I look back now and see things I did a few years ago trying to please everyone and realise it was madness. I was tired and thought I had to please everyone. I now realise I should have been a bit more protective of my time and stress. You have a small baby that doesn’t like to be in a car making it really stressful for you and anyone else in the car. I wouldn’t go. This is a precious time and the priority has to be the baby and you. Could you celebrate with grandmother another time?

LBFseBrom · 01/04/2022 07:58

@Lovely13

I did a solo 250-mile drive with a two month old and four year old. For a holiday. Was harsh. Return solo also v bad. Recommend staying at home and not bothering with heroic trips that no one will remember. Apart from you, for the hell. 🙁
That.
SartresSoul · 01/04/2022 08:12

We drove to the Lakes when DS was slightly older than this, think he was 8/9 months. It was a 3 hour journey and we did lots of driving that week in general all over the Lakes. He slept for the most part and was happy enough, he’s 3.5 now and seems undamaged by his time in the car.

Vynalbob · 01/04/2022 08:17

Sounds like 3.25 hrs each way with a space inbetween for the visit. It's not terrible at that age tbh and a damn site less anxiety inducing than a bored vocal 3/6 Yr old.
Plenty of distraction techniques, snacks and at least a leg stretch stop it's possible.

I think the options are go or not go, I think asking granny to meet half way is a bit
CF-erry.
I suppose it depends how close you are to grandma and if you'd feel guilty saying no.
Only you know what's best but a half way visit seems cheeky (as an outsider without knowing your relationship history)
good luck

Original poster
blinkywinkytime · 01/04/2022 09:05

Thanks all. My husband spoke to her and confirmed he would be going on his own. She moaned (again, as this was discussed earlier In the week hence the thread) her friend (visiting from SA) was of the opinion we should book a hotel room for the day so dd could roll around!

We were firm though (DH great at that in his job but not so much his mother!)

Off he can pop and we agreed dd will be on FaceTime is awake.

Thanks for all the replies, I really don't want to be that parent with a PFB (obviously have long term foster daughter but because her needs are so great things like this haven't arisen as she can't easily travel, non verbal/ non walking v low muscle tone etc, ) so am glad we weren't being unreasonable!

OP posts:
Flittingaboutagain · 01/04/2022 09:08

Excellent! Well done OP. There's nothing wrong with putting your baby first 🙂

toomuchlaundry · 01/04/2022 09:14

I’m assuming if you had your foster child with you on that day you wouldn’t have been able to go anyway. How understanding of your foster child’s needs is your MIL?

Crumbleburntbits · 01/04/2022 09:22

I’m laughing at the SA friend’s suggestion of booking a hotel room for your DD. I’m presuming she isn’t offering to pay for it, is she? Smile

You and your DH have handled this really well by keeping firm boundaries with MIL and putting the needs of your DD first, despite being put under pressure. You both sound like amazing foster parents too! Flowers

SleepingStandingUp · 01/04/2022 09:38

@blinkywinkytime

Thanks all. My husband spoke to her and confirmed he would be going on his own. She moaned (again, as this was discussed earlier In the week hence the thread) her friend (visiting from SA) was of the opinion we should book a hotel room for the day so dd could roll around!

We were firm though (DH great at that in his job but not so much his mother!)

Off he can pop and we agreed dd will be on FaceTime is awake.

Thanks for all the replies, I really don't want to be that parent with a PFB (obviously have long term foster daughter but because her needs are so great things like this haven't arisen as she can't easily travel, non verbal/ non walking v low muscle tone etc, ) so am glad we weren't being unreasonable!

I assume your foster daughter is in respite then that day? And your MIL expects you to spend it in a car. We'll done for standing up for yourself and your baby. And I think you're amazing for being a Foster Mom for a complex child, my friend fostered a lad with similar difficulties (she's now adopted him 😍) and I really think it takes amazing parents to choose your prescious girl to be part of your family
Malibuismysecrethome · 01/04/2022 10:08

I’ve never met a baby that didn’t like the car seat. However I do think you have to get them used to travel from the beginning.

Original poster
blinkywinkytime · 01/04/2022 10:12

Ah thanks for the lovely comments re foster daughter. Yes she's in respite that day. She had apart time carer normally and we have a number of hours respite that can be used each month (agreed in advance unless an emergency , increased obviously when our newborn was first here)

Generally MIL is accepting of her needs, she usually came over to the UK 6 months and was in SA 3 months but obviously with covid this was impacted so she was in the UK full time. My husband works in medicine (her husband did too) so she's used to the demands of that Career so knows how little time he has generally so is usually quite good with things and has helped out with paying for a lot of adapter equipment etc for foster daughter (obviously should all be provided but she's purchased higher end things) and had her house in SA adapted.

OP posts:
yellowsuninthesky · 01/04/2022 11:16

'Peak mumsnet' because you clearly popped your judgy pants on today

Well I've been at the receiving end for not doing long journeys, or not doing long motorway journeys, or not doing long journeys overnight. Makes me a wimp and I need to woman up and why am I on the roads at all if I don't like motorway driving and what will I do when my DH is dead blah blah.

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