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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DS inviting girlfriend to DH BIG birthday family dinner

367 replies

reynardette · 29/03/2022 20:29

Here's the thing. We have a nuclear family tradition (parents, 2 DCs) of going out together on birthdays. We have a small family. My parents live abroad. My sibling dead. DH's mum died almost 30 years ago. His dad is not engaged and on wife 3. It is DH's BIG birthday. DD is student as far away in the UK as it is possible to be from us and I have secretly arranged for her to fly back, get a train and meet us in a lovely restaurant to surprise him. It is a big deal. We do not do this often. Meanwhile, DS has lost his 4th job this year (really) and from two days ago currently home with us. This evening told me he has invited current girlfriend to come on DH's birthday evening. They have been together for 6 months. I hit the roof. AIBU

OP posts:

RoundGlass · 29/03/2022 22:07

I think he should have asked too. Both of mine (18+) would have asked first.

However, 'hitting the roof' is way over the top.

justasking111 · 29/03/2022 22:07

If your DH is a grumpy old git. You've a hard road to hoe going forward. Will grandchildren be excluded because they're messy, noisy etc.

Stop being the go between for him

Evilcountspatula · 29/03/2022 22:08

@dita73

ancientgran · 29/03/2022 22:08

@reynardette

You're blaming your DH but you're the one who hit the roof. You do come across as controlling. Maybe he wants his GF to have a chance to meet his sister?

They've met! Get on well. To reiterate. We are going on holiday. They have all met. This is a v small close family birthday dinner.

DH would not want it. So you didn't run it past him then before hitting the roof. I would have let DH explain then rather than you speaking on his behalf.

No I didn't. It's supposed to be a surprise!

I agree OP. He's a rude young man to not have cleared it with you first. Not sure what you can do about it now though without causing a big fuss but my sons would know they'd been out of order!

Half of this crowd are professional critics, it's like blood sport!

Thank you for your understanding! And yes, he knows he's been out of order. Do I get on with my kids.? Yes. Because I tell them when they're out of order as they do to me. Hit the roof was probably an exaggeration. I rant for 3 mins then we have a glass of wine together and talk about something else.

But interesting to see the comments. Will be interesting being MiL from hell!

Being a MIL from hell won't be interesting. I've got 3 sons, I've gone out of my way to welcome their girlfriends/partners/wives and it is worth the effort.

justasking111 · 29/03/2022 22:10

@ancientgran it certainly is. The OP has marked her card with this girlfriend

LuckySantangelo35 · 29/03/2022 22:15

He should have asked out of courtesy.

When you say your DH wouldn’t want it though…why? Presumably he is happy for her to come on holiday with you all?! That’s the bit that’s slightly odd

Original poster

reynardette · 29/03/2022 22:16

So this is a tradition but it is a surprise your husband doesn't know about. Bit confusing.

He thinks it is just the three of us as DD is so far away. I had my big one in lockdown and it was just the 2 of us. Such is life.

If a dc's partner is close enough to be going on holiday with us, I would automatically assume they were coming for a meal with us.

Holidays are a bit different as there are other people to bounce off and lots of space. We have previously booked holidays with DS's gfs and relationship hasn't lasted long enough for them to come. This was supposed to be a quiet family dinner.

OP posts:

Leeds2 · 29/03/2022 22:16

I don't think YABU at all. Your DS should've asked, especially knowing that his dad was likely to be difficult about it.
I don't think the GF can claim she is being made to feel unwelcome, given she is going on holiday with you all.

GreyTS · 29/03/2022 22:17

@Evilcountspatula

So strange. I do get that different people like different things, but as our family has shrunk over the years due to various bereavements it’s been a pleasure to invite kids’ boyfriends and girlfriends to family events, whether the relationship is long term or not.

So this! The fact that my family has shrank to just me and my 2 girls pains me, it's I suspect part of the reason I have an open door policy with their friends. I love a house full of teenagers chatting and laughing....and sorry OP but your sneering of your 'flaky' son is hard to understand, you raised him, why is he so flaky??

SleepingStandingUp · 29/03/2022 22:17

@Blackbirdflyintothelight

Sorry I do think your reaction is unreasonable. Why shouldn't his GF come to a family meal?

Because she's not family

timeisnotaline · 29/03/2022 22:18

@ancientgran

So this is a tradition but it is a surprise your husband doesn't know about. Bit confusing.

Quite! ‘I’m furious and we can’t spoil the TRADITIONAL SURPRISE’

LuckySantangelo35 · 29/03/2022 22:19

@reynardette

So this is a tradition but it is a surprise your husband doesn't know about. Bit confusing.

He thinks it is just the three of us as DD is so far away. I had my big one in lockdown and it was just the 2 of us. Such is life.

If a dc's partner is close enough to be going on holiday with us, I would automatically assume they were coming for a meal with us.

@reynardette

Erm…will you not go for family dinners when on holiday?

DreamTheMoors · 29/03/2022 22:19

My daughter, (the student) is flying in!
“It’s a big deal.”

My son (the 3-time loser), wants to bring his “latest girlfriend.”

This seems unreasonable, and appears that you favour one child over the other — even if you didn’t intend for it to.

RealRaymondReddington · 29/03/2022 22:20

YABU.

Original poster

reynardette · 29/03/2022 22:20

Being a MIL from hell won't be interesting. I've got 3 sons, I've gone out of my way to welcome their girlfriends/partners/wives and it is worth the effort.

Erm. It was a joke!

OP posts:

marvellousmaple · 29/03/2022 22:22

Poor DS. Do you even like him? Have you asked your DH if he minds? You don't have to mention that your daughter is coming. If he does he must be pretty horrible. "A quiet family dinner". Well it will def be that if its just you , your DH and your DD. Will DH insist on nuclear family only for his 70th? No partners or grandkids? How awful.

BOOTS52 · 29/03/2022 22:23

It would not bother me at all and would be happy if my son happy especially after losing his job. No need to make a big thing about it or else you will lose your son also. No need to hit the roof over it as that sounds a bit over the top and controlling to be honest. You are the one ruining it and making a big deal. He is grown up and you should be happy that he wants you to all meet her so she must be important to him. Tell him you are looking forward to meeting her and just be nice and let it go. Why did you need to mention about him losing his job anyway and maybe she is the only real support he has in his life. You do sound as if you need to be able to talk to your son more and show a bit more understand as he is going through difficulties and you are losing your crap because he asked his girlfriend. Are you usually so anti-social. Feel sorry for any one coming into your family.

Eeksteek · 29/03/2022 22:25

Yeah. Your adult DCs partners are as much your family as your DCs (assuming they are not 13 or so. But even then, I would. It’s part of becoming their own people). Are you going to be expecting them to the leave their own families behind for these fragile-special-birthday outings when they’re forty? It starts now, doesn’t it? It all sounds a bit, I don’t know, precious.

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 29/03/2022 22:26

My mum would have freaked out and hit the roof like you.

She’s lovely but my god, her controlling (anxiety ridden) behaviour made me withdraw from her from the age of 16. I felt judged and knew she was hugely uncomfortable with me having a boyfriend and wanting him to be involved in my life. I spent all my time at his house for 5 years. He met my parents once.

I’m now 52 and I adore her but she knows nothing about my personal life. Nothing.

Expand your family.

Original poster

reynardette · 29/03/2022 22:27

Once you've screwed your opening post up, that's it. People are jumping on the fact that you've 'hit the roof', and mentioned your son's job.

Thank you. You nailed it. First time I've posted. Perhaps given to a little exaggeration from time to time.

But replies... Illuminating! Will bow out now while still alive!

OP posts:

BeKindBeNiceHelpEachOther · 29/03/2022 22:28

It may help if u have her over to meet everyone before the meal. If she gets along with everyone then u may feel better about it and not being around a stranger at an important event?
From my experience our sons tend to side with their girlfriends and their family before their mothers, so tread carefully or if this relationship develops you will be made to pay in the long term!
It’s not easy being the boy mum

PinkSyCo · 29/03/2022 22:28

Yeah. Your adult DCs partners are as much your family as your DCs (assuming they are not 13 or so.

If you put your DC’s partner of 6 months on a par with your own flesh and blood then there’s something wrong with you.

Herejustforthisone · 29/03/2022 22:29

@contrelamontre

Maybe he wants his GF there to help him survive a dinner with the golden child sister flying in from the other side of the world while he has to sit there as the 'flaky' child who can't hold down a job and is the clear disappointment to his parents and general loser in the family?

Mulhollandmagoo · 29/03/2022 22:30

@contrelamontre

I kind of have to agree with him, you speak very fondly of your daughter, but not so much of your son, there is definitely a golden child/scapegoat kinda thing coming across here. If so many of us can sense this from a few of your posts, then both of your children will be able to sense it too.

Laptopsandmouses · 29/03/2022 22:30

Op why did you ask if you didn’t want to know?

And what do you mean holidays are different as you get space, it’s one dinner, how longs it going to last. Won’t you be having dinner with her on holiday!

I think this dinner has become a very big deal in your head, you’re really excited about your daughter coming home, and maybe got too caught up and not thinking rationally.

Ranting, hitting the roof, it’s all a bit much, maybe calm down, it’s a birthday meal, not some sacred rite of passage.

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