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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS inviting girlfriend to DH BIG birthday family dinner

367 replies

reynardette · 29/03/2022 20:29

Here's the thing. We have a nuclear family tradition (parents, 2 DCs) of going out together on birthdays. We have a small family. My parents live abroad. My sibling dead. DH's mum died almost 30 years ago. His dad is not engaged and on wife 3. It is DH's BIG birthday. DD is student as far away in the UK as it is possible to be from us and I have secretly arranged for her to fly back, get a train and meet us in a lovely restaurant to surprise him. It is a big deal. We do not do this often. Meanwhile, DS has lost his 4th job this year (really) and from two days ago currently home with us. This evening told me he has invited current girlfriend to come on DH's birthday evening. They have been together for 6 months. I hit the roof. AIBU

OP posts:
ancientgran · 29/03/2022 21:55

@LightSpeeds

I'm not sure why your original post gave loads of details about where everyone lives, their job status, marriage status, etc. if the real issue is that your husband hates parties and doesn't want your son's girlfriend there. Why didn't you just say that in the first place...
Yes, it isn't straightforward is it. OP you sound very judgemental about your son. I feel sorry for him.
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 29/03/2022 21:56

YABVU

Whatinthelord · 29/03/2022 21:56

*scene cuts to the year 2028
Same poster…..
My son and my daughter in law spend all their time with her family and don’t ever bring the grandchildren to see us. AIBU ?

marqueses · 29/03/2022 21:56

@Gonnagetgoing

I honestly think there are better things to make a fuss/scene about and this isn’t one of them.

As a PP said if you continue this way you risk your DS isolating himself from you and DH in future.

So despite the fact that the girlfriend is welcome on the family holiday he would isolate himself because she wasn't invited for a few hours to a meal when he knows that his father likes to keep his birthday for the 4 of them?

Not only is he flakey with jobs he doesn't have very good judgement on family dynamics it seems

MrsSugar · 29/03/2022 21:56

I really think YABU. I too come from a tiny family and I’d be happy for my DB to bring a partner to a family meal. The more the merrier. Embrace it !

Ionlydomassiveones · 29/03/2022 21:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

SmellyOldOwls · 29/03/2022 21:58

You know in Friday night dinner when Jackie is so excited that the boys have girlfriends and when they bring them for dinner she nearly cries with joy? Try to be. BIT more Jackie. It's a lovely thing to welcome people into your family.

Regularsizedrudy · 29/03/2022 21:59

You sound demented. What on earth does it matter if he brings his girlfriend?? It’s a NICE thing to do. There’s no need for all the backstory about him being flakey. What does flakeyness have to do with this situation? Most people would be happy to get to know their kids partners why are you trying to keep your family circle so small and selective?

KatsuKatsu · 29/03/2022 21:59

@reynardette

Gosh you are mostly very judgemental. Immediately assume it is my doing. But DH would not want it. It is his birthday. DS should know this by now. No, I don't want to continue a nuclear tradition. I love parties and celebration. We are going on holiday all together! But it is not my birthday. It is not a party. DH would absolutley not want a party He likes just close family. I still think DS should have asked.
Why did YOU hit the roof then?
KatsuKatsu · 29/03/2022 22:00

I can understand saying "actually we weren't including partners this time" or "sure if you pay" but no, you hit the roof and got angry

ThisisMax · 29/03/2022 22:00

@Mummy1608

I mean this to be helpful and assume you just havent thought through...You are going to be a nightmare MIL if you keep that attitude.

Nightmare MIL bingo:
Inflexible rituals "we do this Every Year and we Always Have Done"
Exclusivity "nuclear family ONLY"
Insisting on attendance to your events (what if your DD declined?)
Thinking of your son as a child, being judgemental of his work problems
Minimising the importance of your son's relationships

Have I forgotten any?

Great post above. Keep this up OP and you will be short dinner guests in future. The GF could be your DIL....
ancientgran · 29/03/2022 22:00

@user375242

I'm not sure why you are getting such a hard time. I think having his girlfriend there changes the dynamic, and you would want to reconnect with your daughter who you presumably haven't seen for a while, and having someone else there who isn't yet family could make that awkward. If your son and girlfriend lived together, of course she should be invited, but she doesn't, and 6 months isn't really long at all. Particularly so as she is only 20.
If the girlfriend being there changes the dynamic and makes reconnecting with DD awkward how would that change if girlfriend was living with the DS?
anotherbloodyyearofcovid · 29/03/2022 22:01

@ParisLondonTokyoSlough

What is the relevance of your DS’ job situation?
Money? Who's going to pay for the meal? Is OP and birthday husband hosting (paying) for everyone or are guests paying for their own meals?
Original poster
reynardette · 29/03/2022 22:01

You're blaming your DH but you're the one who hit the roof. You do come across as controlling. Maybe he wants his GF to have a chance to meet his sister?

They've met! Get on well. To reiterate. We are going on holiday. They have all met. This is a v small close family birthday dinner.

DH would not want it. So you didn't run it past him then before hitting the roof. I would have let DH explain then rather than you speaking on his behalf.

No I didn't. It's supposed to be a surprise!

I agree OP. He's a rude young man to not have cleared it with you first. Not sure what you can do about it now though without causing a big fuss but my sons would know they'd been out of order!

Half of this crowd are professional critics, it's like blood sport!

Thank you for your understanding! And yes, he knows he's been out of order. Do I get on with my kids.? Yes. Because I tell them when they're out of order as they do to me. Hit the roof was probably an exaggeration. I rant for 3 mins then we have a glass of wine together and talk about something else.

But interesting to see the comments. Will be interesting being MiL from hell!

OP posts:
KatsuKatsu · 29/03/2022 22:01

@SmellyOldOwls

You know in Friday night dinner when Jackie is so excited that the boys have girlfriends and when they bring them for dinner she nearly cries with joy? Try to be. BIT more Jackie. It's a lovely thing to welcome people into your family.
Exactly. This is how MIL's are made OP. You choose what sort of relationship you want with your DIL now.
outofmydepthh · 29/03/2022 22:01

YABU.

You should've invited both of your Children's partners to the birthday meal from the beginning.

Madre123 · 29/03/2022 22:02

Get a life! Pathetic......

timeisnotaline · 29/03/2022 22:03

Not your problem. Your dh will just need to adjust! If it’s not about the cost, and they are both going on holiday with you, then I don’t see how they can be expected to know ‘you always have to ask as you may include gfs in specific activities but not in others’.
Fwiw I remember clearly being uninvited from bfs family dinner a long long time ago.

KatsuKatsu · 29/03/2022 22:03

You ranted at your son for 3 minutes over this?

Ionlydomassiveones · 29/03/2022 22:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

ancientgran · 29/03/2022 22:04

So despite the fact that the girlfriend is welcome on the family holiday he would isolate himself because she wasn't invited for a few hours to a meal when he knows that his father likes to keep his birthday for the 4 of them?

Or

So despite the fact that the girlfriend is welcome on the family holiday the DH would hate sitting down to a meal with her because 50? years ago his mother happened to give birth to him on that date.

Whatinthelord · 29/03/2022 22:05

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again….someone needs to start a “tell me I’m not unreasonable” board.

Kite22 · 29/03/2022 22:05

@drpet49

I agree with you OP. Your husband doesn’t even want this random girl there either. He gets to choose as it is his birthday.
How can she be considered 'a random girl' when they are all committed to go on holiday together in just over a month's time ? Confused

If a dc's partner is close enough to be going on holiday with us, I would automatically assume they were coming for a meal with us.

ancientgran · 29/03/2022 22:06

So this is a tradition but it is a surprise your husband doesn't know about. Bit confusing.

LegMeChicken · 29/03/2022 22:07

Once you've screwed your opening post up, that's it. People are jumping on the fact that you've 'hit the roof', and mentioned your son's job.

It's rude to invite someone else to an expensive restaurant, without checking. Especially not a girlfriend of 6 months.

And even for married couples... there are things you want to discuss as a family without partners involves. It changes the dynamic completely for a small, intimate meal.