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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS inviting girlfriend to DH BIG birthday family dinner

367 replies

reynardette · 29/03/2022 20:29

Here's the thing. We have a nuclear family tradition (parents, 2 DCs) of going out together on birthdays. We have a small family. My parents live abroad. My sibling dead. DH's mum died almost 30 years ago. His dad is not engaged and on wife 3. It is DH's BIG birthday. DD is student as far away in the UK as it is possible to be from us and I have secretly arranged for her to fly back, get a train and meet us in a lovely restaurant to surprise him. It is a big deal. We do not do this often. Meanwhile, DS has lost his 4th job this year (really) and from two days ago currently home with us. This evening told me he has invited current girlfriend to come on DH's birthday evening. They have been together for 6 months. I hit the roof. AIBU

OP posts:
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 29/03/2022 21:36

@DearlyBeloathed

Because she is a girlfriend of 6 months, therefore not that established, and it wasn't his place to invite her

Clearly established enough to be welcomed on a holiday though!

Oh I haven't read that!
user375242 · 29/03/2022 21:38

I'm not sure why you are getting such a hard time. I think having his girlfriend there changes the dynamic, and you would want to reconnect with your daughter who you presumably haven't seen for a while, and having someone else there who isn't yet family could make that awkward. If your son and girlfriend lived together, of course she should be invited, but she doesn't, and 6 months isn't really long at all. Particularly so as she is only 20.

Original poster
reynardette · 29/03/2022 21:38

Gosh you are mostly very judgemental. Immediately assume it is my doing. But DH would not want it. It is his birthday. DS should know this by now. No, I don't want to continue a nuclear tradition. I love parties and celebration. We are going on holiday all together! But it is not my birthday. It is not a party. DH would absolutley not want a party He likes just close family. I still think DS should have asked.

OP posts:
contrelamontre · 29/03/2022 21:39

Maybe he wants his GF there to help him survive a dinner with the golden child sister flying in from the other side of the world while he has to sit there as the 'flaky' child who can't hold down a job and is the clear disappointment to his parents and general loser in the family?

LightSpeeds · 29/03/2022 21:39

We have family meals out for birthdays (BIG and otherwise). All my DCs' partners are welcome and invited regardless of age, how long they've been together (and regardless of my my DCs' job status and flakiness) - ALL their partners are treated as part of the family (even the new ones).

You don't sound very friendly or welcoming and this will be a bad memory for your son.

Evilcountspatula · 29/03/2022 21:40

So strange. I do get that different people like different things, but as our family has shrunk over the years due to various bereavements it’s been a pleasure to invite kids’ boyfriends and girlfriends to family events, whether the relationship is long term or not.

Wiredforsound · 29/03/2022 21:41

I think it’s rude of him not to have asked. That’s basic good manners. You don’t just invite someone to another persons birthday meal without checking whether it would be ok. That’s not rocket science. Wanting to keep things the same forever would also be a bit weird.

Clockstooforward · 29/03/2022 21:43

So what exactly has your husband said about the girlfriend coming?

Dita73 · 29/03/2022 21:44

You should probably ask yourself why your daughter has moved as far away from you as possible

LightSpeeds · 29/03/2022 21:44

I'm not sure why your original post gave loads of details about where everyone lives, their job status, marriage status, etc. if the real issue is that your husband hates parties and doesn't want your son's girlfriend there. Why didn't you just say that in the first place...

Babar100 · 29/03/2022 21:45

Sounds like DH needs to recognise that the definition of close family has already evolved and won’t ever be the same again now DC are older. Next time you should maybe just go out the two of you so you don’t end up offending your children and their partners.

Caiti19 · 29/03/2022 21:46

He shouldn't have invited her without consulting you first.

ItsLisaLou · 29/03/2022 21:46

This is all so bizarre.

To answer your question yes YABU and should be happy for your kids when they find partners and want to introduce them to the family. And why is his job situation relevant to anything?! Where’s the love??

Whatinthelord · 29/03/2022 21:46

@reynardette

Gosh you are mostly very judgemental. Immediately assume it is my doing. But DH would not want it. It is his birthday. DS should know this by now. No, I don't want to continue a nuclear tradition. I love parties and celebration. We are going on holiday all together! But it is not my birthday. It is not a party. DH would absolutley not want a party He likes just close family. I still think DS should have asked.
Well you’re the one posting about it in the first person.
HotPenguin · 29/03/2022 21:46

You're blaming your DH but you're the one who hit the roof. You do come across as controlling. Maybe he wants his GF to have a chance to meet his sister?

BeaLola · 29/03/2022 21:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhatyoutalkingaboutWillis · 29/03/2022 21:47

I agree OP. He's a rude young man to not have cleared it with you first. Not sure what you can do about it now though without causing a big fuss but my sons would know they'd been out of order!

Half of this crowd are professional critics, it's like blood sport!

justasking111 · 29/03/2022 21:48

@reynardette

Gosh you are mostly very judgemental. Immediately assume it is my doing. But DH would not want it. It is his birthday. DS should know this by now. No, I don't want to continue a nuclear tradition. I love parties and celebration. We are going on holiday all together! But it is not my birthday. It is not a party. DH would absolutley not want a party He likes just close family. I still think DS should have asked.
DH would not want it. So you didn't run it past him then before hitting the roof. I would have let DH explain then rather than you speaking on his behalf
ZenKaleidoscope · 29/03/2022 21:50

You sound very unwelcoming.

What exactly is you're problem with it?

KosherDill · 29/03/2022 21:51

Yanbu.

It wasn't his place to invite anyone, for starters.

Do you think he'll come without her?

Gonnagetgoing · 29/03/2022 21:51

I honestly think there are better things to make a fuss/scene about and this isn’t one of them.

As a PP said if you continue this way you risk your DS isolating himself from you and DH in future.

drpet49 · 29/03/2022 21:52

I agree with you OP. Your husband doesn’t even want this random girl there either. He gets to choose as it is his birthday.

Lesperance · 29/03/2022 21:53

@Luckymeiseeghosts

Your son does not live with his girlfriend

So?

Non sequitor, try a sentence. If you mean, what difference does it make, how is it not obvious? Really?

If they lived together, firstly, their relationship would be more serious than if they didn't, and secondly, it would be more obviously excluding the girlfriend, wouldn't it? It's just obvious. Surely if you live with somebody you are having a relationship with, rather than just dating, then you pretty much expect to eat with them, or at least spend evenings together.
I feel like I'm being patronizing here, and I don't mean to be, it just seems such a stupid thing to pick up on.

DFOD · 29/03/2022 21:53

@HotPenguin

You're blaming your DH but you're the one who hit the roof. You do come across as controlling. Maybe he wants his GF to have a chance to meet his sister?
Exactly.

If that were the case you could have said - well you know what an awkward old fossil Dad is - I think he would appreciate it just being the 4 of us - rather than hitting the roof - and in fact he wouldn’t have needed to ask or tell as when you asked them to come you would have clarified “as you know I am the one who loves a right old knees up - the more the merrier - but as it’s Dads day I am sorry that you will have to explain to x about grumpy Dad - I know that will be excruciating for you….

But you didn’t …. you seem to be trying to wriggle out of taking any accountability for “hitting the roof” and now blaming your DH!

Lesperance · 29/03/2022 21:53

That said, you see ghosts, so ...

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