Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend asking to use swimming pool

839 replies

bakedbeansandgravy · 29/03/2022 16:20

a few years ago DH came into some inheritance and spent the money on a swimming pool We have always wanted one. Friends use it with us and all is good. However, my friend is asking to use the pool when we are due to be away in May. Access to the garden/pool is straight forward as we have a gate with number pad. However:

last time my friend used the pool when we were away (friend asked in advance) we came back to find the pool chemicals had not been done properly and the pool water was a lot lower than usual (can cause issues with the filter system). DH was fuming and it took him ages to get the chemical balance back.

To leave the pool heating on for my friend while we are away is going to cost us money. Money that could be saved from non-use by us while we are away but instead will be used/accrued by my friend. But I cant say we are trying to save costs ie the pool heating will be off while we are away and then turn it back on the minute we get home - if that makes sense.

I don't mind friend using the pool but it will cost us money (and I can hardly charge my friend), if we were here then the pool heating would be on anyways and last time my friend messed up the chemicals.

Any suggestions on what to do/say ?

OP posts:
CoralDaffodil · 29/03/2022 17:37

If you don’t want to tell her the real reason why she can’t use it can you say that you have already said that someone else can use it or that you are having workmen in to fix it. (And then change the lock!)

Cloudfrost · 29/03/2022 17:39

Stop letting her take advantage of u and change the gate code!

Ledkr · 29/03/2022 17:40

I'd say no and be truthful about the cost.
What should u heat a pool that you aren't using?

NannyKrampus · 29/03/2022 17:40

There is a novel idea, she can go to the local pool!

WinniesHunny · 29/03/2022 17:41

@SofiaSoFar

I will tell her she cannot use the pool, and include whatever reason, and she will say (because I know her too well) ''my DD was soo looking forward to using the pool but now she cant and will be so very disappointed''.

I'd tell her it's a shame her daughter's not more resilient.

Indeed. Snowflakes tend to melt in water.
MargosKaftan · 29/03/2022 17:41

If she's the sort to try to argue with you, then if go with "hi friend, you asked about using the pool when we are away. The answer is no unfortunately. Lots of overly complex reasons I won't bore you with but basically its got to be a no."

If she says her dd would be disappointed agree reply with "oh gosh I bet you wish you'd not mentioned it to her before checking! Never mind, im sure you'll think of another thing to do."

She will push. Keep it vague, keep it no.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 29/03/2022 17:42

Say no and blame DH being anal over the chemical thing.

Lilifer · 29/03/2022 17:42

"She massively takes advantage of me in many ways and I feel immensely pressured into saying yes. I'm weak and I know it and so does she."

Why on earth would you be friends with someone like this??

Nanny0gg · 29/03/2022 17:43

@bakedbeansandgravy

Change the code.

Drop the friend

nokidshere · 29/03/2022 17:44

Absolutely not. Quite apart from any issues that you have already outlined if someone had an accident on your property then the liability is yours regardless of whether you gave them permission or not.

FourOclock · 29/03/2022 17:44

We have a pool OP and I have a friend who is similar. She will ask if she can bring her children over but she will stay all day and it just gets so inconvenient. Last year we had a close family member who was really sick but didn't particularly want loads of people knowing, but would spend a lot of his recovery time around the pool or just wanting to watch our children in the pool. I had so many guilt trips off her saying her son was really sad he couldn't come to the pool but I got to the point of just not apologising anymore and she didn't come at all last year. It was so much more relaxing just having a blanket 'no' to the pool for the season.

HelloSpringIveMissedYou · 29/03/2022 17:45

It's not you, it's her!

She is taking advantage of you, channel your inner Zammo and just say no.

No, it's too expensive
No, you didn't do the chemicals last time
No, I actually don't want you to so piss off Grin

Do not dwell and enjoy your holiday.

Waterfallgirl · 29/03/2022 17:45

Change the code.
Say that energy costs are rising and you have decided not to let anyone use the pool why you are away. Or be honest and say that previously the pool maintenance went out of balance and you will not be letting anyone use it as it was costly to repair / re balance.

You have to be strong OP If she says ‘my Dd was looking forward to it ‘ you have to just rince and repeat - ‘ as I said we have decided that we won’t be letting anyone use the pool while we are away’

mewkins · 29/03/2022 17:45

Say no, the heating is going off for the time you're away. Change the gate code. Disengage from this person who doesn't seem to know what the word 'friend' means. She is just a user .

MrsWombat · 29/03/2022 17:45

"Spoke to husband, who deals with the pool maintenance. No one you seems to be able to deal with the chemicals correctly so we've decided to not lend it out to anyone when we go away. Look forward to inviting you and your DD during the summer holidays."

Change the code. If they jump the fence they'll find the pool is freezing.

oakleaffy · 29/03/2022 17:45

@bakedbeansandgravy

Re “ Assertiveness “

I too used to be a real pushover, and people took huge advantage.

I did an assertiveness course a few years ago, and was surprised by the amount of men on it, too.

Quite tough men whom you wouldn’t think would have any issues with saying “ No”.

It was an eye opener.

The training said “ Just say “No”- No need to explain yourself.
You can do it!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 29/03/2022 17:46

I'm glad you have recognised that she is taking advantage of your weakness. Males it easier for you to defend the right to say no to her request.

"Sorry X, it's not really worked out well in the past as we have to fix chemical issues/pool levels. Plus, I'm sure you will agree, the running costs are high and we've factored in a week saving on those costs when booking our holiday"

Then hange the keypad number!

Waterfallgirl · 29/03/2022 17:47

@FourOclock

We have a pool OP and I have a friend who is similar. She will ask if she can bring her children over but she will stay all day and it just gets so inconvenient. Last year we had a close family member who was really sick but didn't particularly want loads of people knowing, but would spend a lot of his recovery time around the pool or just wanting to watch our children in the pool. I had so many guilt trips off her saying her son was really sad he couldn't come to the pool but I got to the point of just not apologising anymore and she didn't come at all last year. It was so much more relaxing just having a blanket 'no' to the pool for the season.
What a CF - people are so rude! As is your friend OP.
DameHelena · 29/03/2022 17:47

So, hang on, this 'friend' walks all over you, massively takes advantage of you 'in many ways' and will guilt trip you about her DD. Last time
she used the pool she didn't bother with the pool chemicals and fucked up the water level.

Obviously the answer is 'No.'

I don't understand this But I cant say we are trying to save costs ie the pool heating will be off while we are away and then turn it back on the minute we get home
You don't need the pool while you're away, but when you get back you'll want to use it and so will turn the heating back on. What's the problem?

Tell her 'we can't have anyone use it while we're away any more; too expensive with the heating and we need to be around to maintain it.'
And change the code.

WiddlinDiddling · 29/03/2022 17:47

Just tell her no.

You don't even have to give her any reasons, its your pool, if she wants access to a private pool she can save up her money and get her own!

Set up a cctv/ring cam on the gate and the pool too - and change the code - DON'T tell her this.

When she inevitably tries to come in, save that and then when you get back ask her WHY she tried to use the pool after you'd said no.

That should put a stop to the CF behaviour from her!

EthelTheAardvark · 29/03/2022 17:48

@BringBackCoffeeCreams

Insurance company have said no, that the home/policy owner has to be around when the pool is in use?
This. In fact I suspect they may say that anyway.
coodawoodashooda · 29/03/2022 17:48

@HelloSpringIveMissedYou

It's not you, it's her!

She is taking advantage of you, channel your inner Zammo and just say no.

No, it's too expensive
No, you didn't do the chemicals last time
No, I actually don't want you to so piss off Grin

Do not dwell and enjoy your holiday.

Inner zammo
PinkSyCo · 29/03/2022 17:49

I will tell her she cannot use the pool, and include whatever reason, and she will say (because I know her too well) ''my DD was soo looking forward to using the pool but now she cant and will be so very disappointed''.

Omg emotional blackmail like this makes me so cross. You need to find your inner anger too OP. You have legitimate reasons for not allowing this cheeky fucker to use your pool so tell her them and if she comes back with shit as above tell her it’s her own fucking fault for not getting the ok from you before telling her DD they would be able to use your pool!

IncompleteSenten · 29/03/2022 17:49

Change the gate code because I promise you she'll use it anyway.

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 29/03/2022 17:50

Just tell her the truth. No because the heating will be off to save money and maintenance. Do it now before you have a chance to talk yourself out of it.

Change the gate code and don't tell her . In the unlikely event of her requiring access in an emergency you can text her the new one.