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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend asking to use swimming pool

839 replies

bakedbeansandgravy · 29/03/2022 16:20

a few years ago DH came into some inheritance and spent the money on a swimming pool We have always wanted one. Friends use it with us and all is good. However, my friend is asking to use the pool when we are due to be away in May. Access to the garden/pool is straight forward as we have a gate with number pad. However:

last time my friend used the pool when we were away (friend asked in advance) we came back to find the pool chemicals had not been done properly and the pool water was a lot lower than usual (can cause issues with the filter system). DH was fuming and it took him ages to get the chemical balance back.

To leave the pool heating on for my friend while we are away is going to cost us money. Money that could be saved from non-use by us while we are away but instead will be used/accrued by my friend. But I cant say we are trying to save costs ie the pool heating will be off while we are away and then turn it back on the minute we get home - if that makes sense.

I don't mind friend using the pool but it will cost us money (and I can hardly charge my friend), if we were here then the pool heating would be on anyways and last time my friend messed up the chemicals.

Any suggestions on what to do/say ?

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 29/03/2022 17:28

Pools cost a lot to maintain-
Just say NO.

They can use a public pool.
Much cheaper and easier.

TakeMe2Insanity · 29/03/2022 17:28

Practice saying “no” and smiling. End of.

On a more serious note she doesn’t sound a good friend to have.

gamerchick · 29/03/2022 17:29

Personally if you struggle with this person I'd ask your bloke to tell her no and change the gate code while you're on.

Try saying no a bit more often. It does get easier and if she pulls the poor bairn guilt trip, tell her that's a shame, never mind.

TakeMe2Insanity · 29/03/2022 17:29

Pressed post too soon.

More, than anything she’s effectively made no holiday plans other than utilising your hospitality so thats an even bigger no.

midlifecrash · 29/03/2022 17:31

“I’m sorry your DD will be disappointed. What a shame she was foolishly promised this by her —stupid negligent cow of a— mother”

CantGetDecentNickname · 29/03/2022 17:31

Hi OP

Subbaxeo Tue 29-Mar-22 17:17:51
I really wouldn’t tell fibs about the pool needing an engineer! Why would you do that? What’s wrong with the truth? You’ve decided that on occasions when you’re away, you’ll switch off the systems as you need to economise and to ensure there is no issues with maintaining the water cleanliness. So she can use it but only when you’re around. Perfectly fine to say that

I'd go with the PP above. When she pushes back, keep saying "no, that's not going to happen" or "no, I'm not having anyone use the pool while we're not there" and "no and don't ask me again because the answer isn't going to change". If she tries the sob story that her DD is going to be disappointed you could advise her not to make promises on behalf of other people that she can't keep. Write a few sentences out and rehearse them. If you're seeing her in person, try to do it when your DH is around for backup if you feel you need it. Or just text her and keep on texting "no". You will have to be firm and keep on saying it as CFs don't give up easily. Avoid the word "sorry" as you've not done anything to apologise for and no need to give excuses. Energy prices are about to skyrocket so there is nothing shocking in the idea that you won't be heating it while you are not around.

As loads of other PPs have said, you have to change the code on the gate. She may well try to use the pool anyway, could bring anyone with her and this is a security risk to your home.

I guarantee that you will feel much better after you have been assertive with her!

BalladOfBarryAndFreda · 29/03/2022 17:31

Change the gate code, for a start, and don’t give her the new one.

You do need to be firmer with her. If you can’t tell her that she caused a problem last time then you should use the (very valid) example reason you gave of switching the heating off to save on energy costs during your absence.

MindTheGapMoveAlong · 29/03/2022 17:31

No, because your household/pool/accident & injury insurance will be invalidated if you’re not on the premises. Not only does that put you in a dreadful position if anything g happened but if anything happened to anyone using the pool …

WhatyoutalkingaboutWillis · 29/03/2022 17:31

Tell her she's the 4th person to ask (include friends and family) and to be fair to all, you have to say no to all.

midlifecrash · 29/03/2022 17:31

Strikeout fail

Momto4plus3 · 29/03/2022 17:31

"Sure! but the heat won't be on"

BlueOverYellow · 29/03/2022 17:32

Tell her no.
Tell her you're turning off the heating for it.

Change the gate code.
Install a few cameras at your front door, gate and back garden.
If anyone (she) asks, say they're to protect you for insurance purposes and liability in case someone (she) tries to use your poor when you're not home.

KosherDill · 29/03/2022 17:32

"If pushed say your DH and you have decided not to let people use it while you are away as you've had issues with the chemicals not being right so you need to be there to ensure they are safe/balanced?"

This is a good ploy. And it's true.

My sister has this problem; she is very generous with her pool and neighbors have come to believe they have free access to it. Last summer I was staying at her home to dog sit while she went to visit a friend; I was working and looked out to see two women lounging at the pool complete with bags of snacks and wine. For six hours!!

After that I locked the two gates from the inside and ignored the bell.

Your friend is not going to expire if she can't use the pool.

If she protests that she'll take care of the chemicals, etc., just say "thanks, but we've decided we must be here any time it's being used and we're firm on that. Thanks for understanding."

princessbear80 · 29/03/2022 17:32

Hi OP, I have only read your posts not the full thread. I recently said no to a friend who was walking all over me. I didn’t think I was a pushover, but had got myself into this position where she was clearly taking the piss. Saying no was so liberating, I wish I’d done it sooner. No more cheeky requests from her anymore. If you stand up to her this once, she will hopefully stop over stepping the mark. She did come back trying to make me feel guilty about something her DC might miss out on, but it’s not my fault she can’t do what she wants for DC, it’s hers.

Maybe say by text
“Hi friend, sorry it’s not possible for you to use the pool while we’re away. It won’t be heated and the chemicals won’t be balanced.” That’s all - nothing too detailed or over the top. If she comes back and says DC will be disappointed, just reply with “happy for them to come for a swim when we’re back”. Keep it simple but stand your ground. I know how it feels.

Clymene · 29/03/2022 17:32

I knew she'd have the gate code. Change it and put a camera up because I bet she comes round anyway.

If she says her daughter will be sooooooo disappointed, brightly remind her about the local council pool.

It's your husband's pool. She nearly wrecked it. Get angry!

Abaababa · 29/03/2022 17:32

You’ve just answered your own question by citing you are weak and ‘friends’ can walk all over you. This isn’t a friend issue, this is a you issue. As a pp said, grow a backbone. Once you do, you’ll probably realise you don’t even like this woman (and she is just using you for your pool anyways).

iRun2eatCake · 29/03/2022 17:32

I will tell her she cannot use the pool, and include whatever reason, and she will say (because I know her too well) ''my DD was soo looking forward to using the pool but now she cant and will be so very disappointed''.

And why is this your problem?

You have a choice piss off your "d"f or piss off your DH.

Who do you value more?

lilroo87 · 29/03/2022 17:33

@Branleuse

Tell her that unfortunately you are not going to be able to offer her use of the pool while youre away for several reasons. 1, that the chemicals in the pool are very specific and last time someone else used it without you, this was messed up and caused green algae and it was a lot of time and money to put right. 2. The heating will be off as its expensive to run, and 3. You actually checked your insurance recently and it is invalidated if youre not there, so after discussing it with dh, its just not worth it to allow others to use it without us.

If she tries to talk you round or guilt trip you, either ignore it completely or say " im sorry you feel that way, but im surprised as we feel that we are already generous enough with our pool and friends, but us not even being there, its still a NO im afraid.

Definitely change the code too

Definitely this!!
RantyAunty · 29/03/2022 17:33

Change the code and tell her no and there will be super strong chemical shock while you're gone.

The only reason I can think of the water got so low is they had pool parties while you were gone.

MrsMoastyToasty · 29/03/2022 17:33

She can't swim in it if it's empty can she?

ZoyaTheDestroyer · 29/03/2022 17:34

If you don’t change the code she will use the pool anyway while you are away. She doesn’t sound like much of a friend, tbh.

oakleaffy · 29/03/2022 17:35

@bakedbeansandgravy

thanks for all the replies, some good options here.

The pool maintenance was explained to her last time and she said she understood. When a hell of a lot of green scum started forming around the pool edges, I thought she would have realised something was wrong. But she clearly carried on using the pool. I have no idea how she managed to get so much water out of the pool. It was extremely low.

She massively takes advantage of me in many ways and I feel immensely pressured into saying yes. I'm weak and I know it and so does she.

@bakedbeansandgravy Please say NO. You are absolutely within your rights to say no, especially as pool wasn’t cared for properly while you were away before.
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 29/03/2022 17:36

Just be honest?

oakleaffy · 29/03/2022 17:36

Edit:
Also, as PP have said, Change that code.

Can the pool br covered while you are away?

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 29/03/2022 17:37

Ah sorry not possible, it needs servicing before the summer so we're turning it off while we're away. Will sort it out when we get back.

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