Friend asking to use swimming pool

[bakedbeansandgravy]

a few years ago DH came into some inheritance and spent the money on a swimming pool We have always wanted one. Friends use it with us and all is good. However, my friend is asking to use the pool when we are due to be away in May. Access to the garden/pool is straight forward as we have a gate with number pad. However:

last time my friend used the pool when we were away (friend asked in advance) we came back to find the pool chemicals had not been done properly and the pool water was a lot lower than usual (can cause issues with the filter system). DH was fuming and it took him ages to get the chemical balance back.

To leave the pool heating on for my friend while we are away is going to cost us money. Money that could be saved from non-use by us while we are away but instead will be used/accrued by my friend. But I cant say we are trying to save costs ie the pool heating will be off while we are away and then turn it back on the minute we get home - if that makes sense.

I don't mind friend using the pool but it will cost us money (and I can hardly charge my friend), if we were here then the pool heating would be on anyways and last time my friend messed up the chemicals.

Any suggestions on what to do/say ?

Good luck with that @bakedbeansandgravy , I'd be really cross if I was your husband
You're doing her a favour against his wishes knowing that he'll have to sort it out when you get back
That's not very respectful in my opinion

You're an idiot op, you should be fixing the pool when you get back from holiday, not your husband, if your friend wrecks it again. Get him to teach you how.

@bakedbeansandgravy nice to see you are prepared to cause your DH grief and hassle resetting the pool and paying for heating just because you can’t say no to a pushy pal. Can’t believe you actually agreed to this.

Tell her due to the cost it won’t be heated though so she’ll need to use it cold and turn the heating off. Ten minutes in and she’ll not bother.

OP at this point you only have yourself to blame and I'm pretty surprised you chose to stress out and piss off your DH over disappointing your CF friend.

That was completely unfair on you DH. What on earth are you thinking? Don't be surprised if he reacts badly and asks you to go back and tell her no - which will be much more difficult than sorting it in the first place. This should have been a joint decision and only allowed if you both agreed.

Yes, make sure the heating is off. I can't believe you are prioritising your "friend" over your DH. He has every right to be angry. Stop being such a doormat.

It wouldn’t stop me, but yes in your shoes I’d definitely turn the heating off before heading off. If you’re feeling nice tell her beforehand.

If you can't speak to you friend straight, the how about The day before the pool would be accidentally broken

You haven't let yourself in for anything because you don't know how to manage the chemicals so it will be your DH who has to fix this. If your DH is furious then I wouldn't blame him.

I would have told her that she can't use it because last time she said she understood how to look after the pool and she didn't which cost you time and money so you now have a policy that no one can use the pool when you're not at home.

OP, if I were your DH I would be so pissed off with you.

I think you would be best served going back to your friend and saying no. Yes she'll probably be disappointed, but if she's a genuine friend she's not going to be a dick about it. If she IS a dick about it, she's not a good friend.

Right now you are prioritising how your friend sees you, over your husband's time, effort, and peace of mind. Pretty shitty behaviour in a relationship.

Why on earth are you going to cause friction at home and an unpleasant atmosphere when you're away? I'd be furious in your DH's position and seriously consider having you stay at home to oversee the use of the pool maintenance.

Not only is it going to cost you money to hear etc, in the back of both of your minds you'll be dreading the condition of the pool
when you get back.

You do know that friends don't put actual friends in awkward positions like this? Even if they did they wouldn't argue the toss to bring you round?

Why is pissing off your husband less important than pissing off your "friend"?

Im not sure why it would be a lie. "No because we are turning off the heating whilst away and don't want anyone on the property whilst we aren't there to supervise"
She isn't really a friend if you can't say no to her. You have given her all the power in your relationship and put her above your husband. Ridiculous.

Don't be ridiculous. You've had lots of excellent advice, been given examples of how to phrase it. Tell her you've now spoken to your DH and he says no. It's not a lie, it's not an excuse. Why did he say no? she asks. Because it's expensive to heat, it's a faff to sort out the pool chemicals after you've used it (and turned up the heating but we won't mention that), and so it's a no, sorry.

Exactly this!

Come on OP, where's your backbone.

And this is why I held back posting an update because of all the backlash I knew I would get. Thanks posters !

Seriously?

🤦

You'd rather really piss off your husband than say no to this woman. You must be really afraid of her.

You're clearly not afraid of conflict because you'll happily have it with the person you love!

You need to really dig deep and find out why you choose to please randoms at the cost of making your husband feel really unhappy about it.

and it's nothing compared to the backlash you deserve and the one you'll get from your husband when he finds out.

It's LTB territory for me. You're actively giving him more work, risking your insurance, and, to be fair, risking your marriage because you can't say no to a CF. I genuinely hope you get what you deserve, because you've not had it yet.

Your poor DH, I feel so sorry for him. All sympathy for you has evaporated. So many good angles here that you could have (and still could) use.

I think the most accurate one would now be "My DH says no. I have to respect that for the sake of our marriage"

The thing is you don’t need to conjure up any excuses! It’s your pool. She’s a pushy user and she knows you’ll cave in every time. Retract your offer. She wrecked it before, she’s not a friend. Get support if you find it hard. I’ve said no to a pushy demanding friend. Honestly it’s a relief.