Friend asking to use swimming pool

[bakedbeansandgravy]

a few years ago DH came into some inheritance and spent the money on a swimming pool We have always wanted one. Friends use it with us and all is good. However, my friend is asking to use the pool when we are due to be away in May. Access to the garden/pool is straight forward as we have a gate with number pad. However:

last time my friend used the pool when we were away (friend asked in advance) we came back to find the pool chemicals had not been done properly and the pool water was a lot lower than usual (can cause issues with the filter system). DH was fuming and it took him ages to get the chemical balance back.

To leave the pool heating on for my friend while we are away is going to cost us money. Money that could be saved from non-use by us while we are away but instead will be used/accrued by my friend. But I cant say we are trying to save costs ie the pool heating will be off while we are away and then turn it back on the minute we get home - if that makes sense.

I don't mind friend using the pool but it will cost us money (and I can hardly charge my friend), if we were here then the pool heating would be on anyways and last time my friend messed up the chemicals.

Any suggestions on what to do/say ?

Why there’s aways these type of questions that the person already knows the answers, and already knows what he wants to say and simply can’t say NO ?
What’s the reason for going round in circles giving all sorts of excuses when a simple NO thank you suffice ?
Blimey…. Is not that difficult !

A recognised strategy in negotiating (including in business) when it’s difficult is to defer to a absent third party. Using that, you could say “I can’t let you DH would go up the wall because the chemicals weren’t right last time”! Makes it easier for you to stand-up to her. After that, I think you’d be much happier and more confident if you signed-up to a course in Assertiveness, preferably in person, but at least online. Many people confuse being assertive with being aggressive. It isn’t that at all. That said, people who have exploited you being passive before will claim you are being aggressive when you begin to use your new skills. This is because they are used to getting your own way and are shocked and irritated that them taking advantage isn’t working any longer.

I feel this is a perfect opportunity to cut ties with a toxic friend. You give her a boundary, she inevitably won't like it and will try to blackmail you. So then, you tell her you're fed up of her always pushing your boundaries, tell her she's not being a good friend if she takes advantage of you and tries to emotionally manipulate you into getting her way. Which I will guarantee she will react to by being defensive and angry, which would be the perfect opportunity to tell her to F off! 🙂 job done

@Annabell46

First world problems!🥴

Why the need?

‘Sorry, no. The house/grounds will be locked up and secured whilst we are away.’
If she comes back with a plea just ignore it, it’s your house you don’t owe her use of your property.

I wouldn’t make up some white lie about extra chemical treatments/services/repairs. That’s all well and good for this holiday, but what do you say next time you go away? Think up something different?

I’d just stick to the ‘we’ve decided not to allow people to use it when we’re not here’ line, and that will cover you (hopefully) indefinitely

We have a pool and I would not let it be used whilst I was away, particularly by someone who would not keep it topped up, keep it clean and have chemicals properly balanced. We do not heat the pool although we do have a boiler system. It costs money (it is 13ft x 36ft) and if someone is running it and not paying I would not cover the cost. In the summer it will reach about 72f, or so, purely with the sun. We have an auto cover which reduces heat loss at night, and stops rubbish blowing in. Also, when covered there is less chemical loss and the water will be less affected by solar generated growths in the water.
Anyway, you probably know all this, but 'users only' have no idea how much work it can be, and probably think you are just selfish.

Your pool and cirumstances will be different to mine, but if your neighbours cannot take care of your pool then explain that last time it was left in their care it really pissed off your DH sorting it out afterwards. Also, the cost of heating, depending on the weather, could easily cost hundreds. It would be cheaper to pay for your neighbours to use the local municipal pool a few times. Of course it is your decision. If you are very well off you may be happy to be generous and tolerant.

I have no idea about UK, but in the USA, the cost of insurance to cover liability if the owner is not present is MUCH higher. Here, you could just tell her that you cannot, on the advice of your insurance agent, as any damages she might have would not be covered.

@bakedbeansandgravy

You : Hi friend unfortunately after last time DH has asked if I don't allow anyone to use the pool unsupervised as the chemicals were not done properly and it took a lot of work for him to get right again.

Friend :That is such a shame DC was really looking forward to using the pool.

You : We are back on X weekend if you would like to come then with DC?

And change the pin on the gate!

Apart from the fact that she is a cheeky cow, a cautionary tale..... Friends of ours had an indoor (covered) pool. There was an electrical fault and the pool house burnt to the ground one day whilst they were out for the day It was completely destroyed. I'd use the insurance issue if you can't face telling her the real reason. But personally, I would risk offending her and come clean. Nobody needs "friends " like her!

@GiveYourHeadAWobble

Personally I’d probably give the friend another chance, but give her some instructions or something on how to do the chemicals properly as they got messed up before. Our neighbour was very generous with her swimming pool when I was a child. I’ve got many happy memories and am grateful for that.

was it near princes park ?

Just tell her it's going to be shut down whilst you're away!

Tell her you are having maintenance done on it while you are away, change the gate code as well, you can always blame the contractors.

Easy blame it on hubby. He was so annoyed last time he refuses to let anyone use pool whilst you are not there. Or is there an insurance thing you could use, i.e accidents, you being liable because not supervising use?

Tell her to spend £5 and go to her local pool cos clearly she is taking the piss

You could just say no sorry. Also change the gate code just in case.

If you want an excuse say that it’s being serviced with a bunch of chemicals while you’re away because you thought that would be the best time. But you could just say the chemical balance was wrong last time you were away and that although it’s not really her fault because it is tricky you’ve decided not to allow other people to do it while you’re away as it is so tricky and so important.

This may have been said before, I haven’t read the whole thread.
Surely your house insurance would be invalid if you let your friend use your pool whilst you’re not there.

If cost was the real issue you would never have installed a pool in the first place…inheritance may have given you the money to buy it but clearly you knew there was an ongoing cost that you could afford, a bloody great hole in the ground is for life not just a summer whim! Sounds to me like your husband is the one causing the issue and placing you in the middle in a difficult position. Just say sorry not possible this time, without careful monitoring which only your husband seems to think he is capable of the levels go wrong making it unusable for a long period of time, insinuate it’s his fault! Husband getting really upset about chemical levels he needs to get a grip people cann’t afford to heat their homes at the moment!

Just tell her no, don’t see why people need to give excuses just say sorry no and leave it at that

if she used the swimming pool last time you went away, and it"s a garden gate with a code ... I'd say change the code or you might have a surprise visitor. - As for an excuse, a simple line like you are using the time away to do the annual chemical clean up will suffice. No-one wants to swim in chemical!

@Emberino

If cost was the real issue you would never have installed a pool in the first place…inheritance may have given you the money to buy it but clearly you knew there was an ongoing cost that you could afford, a bloody great hole in the ground is for life not just a summer whim! Sounds to me like your husband is the one causing the issue and placing you in the middle in a difficult position. Just say sorry not possible this time, without careful monitoring which only your husband seems to think he is capable of the levels go wrong making it unusable for a long period of time, insinuate it’s his fault! Husband getting really upset about chemical levels he needs to get a grip people cann’t afford to heat their homes at the moment!

What a strange response!

I think people asking to use your home when you're away is cheeky fuckery.
If you want to say yes, I'd ask for contributions towards heating, as that might make them think twice about doing it properly. And if you want to say no, either just decline or make an excuse - it's being serviced, deep cleaned etc and so can't be used.

@Emberino

If cost was the real issue you would never have installed a pool in the first place…inheritance may have given you the money to buy it but clearly you knew there was an ongoing cost that you could afford, a bloody great hole in the ground is for life not just a summer whim! Sounds to me like your husband is the one causing the issue and placing you in the middle in a difficult position. Just say sorry not possible this time, without careful monitoring which only your husband seems to think he is capable of the levels go wrong making it unusable for a long period of time, insinuate it’s his fault! Husband getting really upset about chemical levels he needs to get a grip people cann’t afford to heat their homes at the moment!

Are you this lady's "friend" or something. Your response is bizarre 🤔

I would just say we have decided not to let the pool be used while we are away. If she pushes be straight…. Well hubby was very cross at the state of the pool after you had used it. The water level was very low and it took weeks to get the chemical levels back to normal. We don’t want that sort of hassle so no one will be using it while we are away.

She really can’t argue with that but if she gets defensive just keep repeating… we don’t want anyone using our pool while we are away.

As others have said, I would change the gate code now, and add a lock to the inside if possible… so you can show you have taken robust stems to keep out intruders….

As for her DD being upset….. well you really shouldn’t have made promises before you spoke to us should you? I’m sure she will enjoy the local swimming baths, maybe you could take some friends?

End of the day, it’s your pool for your enjoyment and this CF is giving you far too much stress. Think how nice it would be if she wasn’t in your life…

I'd be more worried about someone being reckless and drowning in it when we are not there than the pool maintenance.