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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend asking to use swimming pool

839 replies

bakedbeansandgravy · 29/03/2022 16:20

a few years ago DH came into some inheritance and spent the money on a swimming pool We have always wanted one. Friends use it with us and all is good. However, my friend is asking to use the pool when we are due to be away in May. Access to the garden/pool is straight forward as we have a gate with number pad. However:

last time my friend used the pool when we were away (friend asked in advance) we came back to find the pool chemicals had not been done properly and the pool water was a lot lower than usual (can cause issues with the filter system). DH was fuming and it took him ages to get the chemical balance back.

To leave the pool heating on for my friend while we are away is going to cost us money. Money that could be saved from non-use by us while we are away but instead will be used/accrued by my friend. But I cant say we are trying to save costs ie the pool heating will be off while we are away and then turn it back on the minute we get home - if that makes sense.

I don't mind friend using the pool but it will cost us money (and I can hardly charge my friend), if we were here then the pool heating would be on anyways and last time my friend messed up the chemicals.

Any suggestions on what to do/say ?

OP posts:
BabyofMine · 29/03/2022 21:39

I actually think you can use cost as an excuse. “We just can’t afford to keep it heated when we go away anymore… it used to be such a negligible cost to run but with these energy prices it’s just awful. Wish Husband had never got the damn thing sometimes… listen to me moaning about the cost of heating the pool when people can’t afford to hear their houses… isn’t it awful,” etc etc

daretodenim · 29/03/2022 21:47

I'd change the gate code too, but NOT tell her. It's none of her business. You're allowed to change security codes at your own home without informing her. And like you said, in an emergency she could call you. There's no reason for her to be told it's changed unless such an emergency occurs and she/police need in.

And give her any reason you want when you say No, but only one (and one you can use again if need be). You don't actually need to justify yourself anyway.

TheBigPeach · 29/03/2022 21:50

What Kind of emergency can she possibly need the code for? I’d change it too.

Might be time to just say no. You really don’t owe her an explanation, just no sorry we don’t want anyone using it while we’re away. What if something happened? I’d be worried about that. She could probably sue you too if something did happen.

CoastalWave · 29/03/2022 21:55

@CMOTDibbler

Just woman up and say no, you are turning everything off while you are away so it isn't available. End of.
This ^^ oh and you're not insured. Add sorry if you must (but I wouldn't even say that!)
notanothertakeaway · 29/03/2022 21:58

It's really unfair to blame DH. Don't make him the bad guy

You could reply that she can use the pool if she's happy to pay £X for pool maintenance for someone to top up chemicals

Or just say "Sorry, not this time"

Raindancer411 · 29/03/2022 21:59

As others have said, if she or her daughter has an accident, you could be liable. Just say no, sorry and change the code on the gate.

PeekabooAtheZoo · 29/03/2022 22:00

''my DD was soo looking forward to using the pool but now she cant and will be so very disappointed''
The response is, "Oh dear. The local swimming bath is £5 and theirs will be heated/supervised while we're away."

Winter2020 · 29/03/2022 22:06

agree with previous poster
''my DD was soo looking forward to using the pool but now she cant and will be so very disappointed''
..."that's a shame - have you got any holidays planned/have you been to that new pub...."
If her daughter is disappointed it's her own fault for saying she could use your pool without asking you. She will have to think of something to make it up to her - that has nothing to do with you.

ForensicAccountant · 29/03/2022 22:13

Who does the chemicals when you are away?

Eeksteek · 29/03/2022 22:15

Do you mean you feel it looks bad if you both have a pool, but wish to make keep the costs down while you are not there? I don’t see why not. Just because you have a pool doesn’t mean you are obliged to run it when you aren’t there.

You will be away, and the pool will not be heated, as both the heating and chemicals require you to be home to keep an eye on them on a daily basis. If she has used it before when you were away, explain that it’s a tricky thing to balance (it is!) and you don’t expect anyone else to be able to manage it. You gave it a go last time and there were problems. It’s not unreasonable.

VestaTilley · 29/03/2022 22:17

Just say no. That’s all you need to say.

It’s very kind of you to share it when you’re there, but you’re under no obligation to allow access when you’re away! Particularly not after last time.

Honestly, just say no - it’s not convenient, and it’s too expensive/high maintenance.

godmum56 · 29/03/2022 22:27

@ForensicAccountant

Who does the chemicals when you are away?
as I understand it, they don't need doing if the pool is briefly not in use.
QueenofDestruction · 29/03/2022 22:27

Pools can be finicky, well mine certainly is. The amount of chemicals can also depend on how many people use it and if they don't rinse off before getting in.

Chocomelon · 29/03/2022 22:32

Say no! She messed up before. Use DH as an excuse? Change the code!

QueenofDestruction · 29/03/2022 22:32

The pool still needs chemicals when not in use but less before it turns as it is not collecting body sweat, hair suntain lotion , creams pee etc., etc..Are you sure with the water level being so low and it turning green, she didn't have a pool party.

CrankyFrankie · 29/03/2022 22:32

Come on, reread your own posts and locate that backbone. you’ll feel much better once you’ve established some boundaries with her. Seriously, what’s the worst that can happen..? You don’t even sound as if you like her that much! And if you know the sort of thing she’ll say in response, then you can mentally prepare your ‘f@ck off forcefield’ and let any pass-agg reaction wash over you in a serene fashion...

Mellowyellow222 · 29/03/2022 22:36

It’s fine to say no - the pool is hard work, needs careful management and it took us a while to get it back into working order last time. We really don’t want to go through that again.

Out of interest is it an outdoor pool - how much was installation. I am toying with the idea! But don’t have a huge garden

Rupertgrintismyguiltypleasure · 29/03/2022 22:38

Technically you don’t owe her an explanation, it’s your house, your pool. Maybe just go over the rules again and maybe mention how you don’t want to leave it on if she’s not using it everyday as it will be a waste of money. Maybe she might offer to pay.

unname · 29/03/2022 22:38

Reframe this: it’s really not nice to operate the way you are doing. It is not honest or kind to the people you think you are helping. It’s not fair to your own husband, either.

BreatheAndFocus · 29/03/2022 22:45

Stand up to her - she’s using you because she knows you’re weak. Practise a few responses and just keep repeating them eg “Oh dear, never mind. Your daughter will have to use the public pool”. She protests and you just repeat the same thing “Mmm, your daughter will…..”

Change the code on your gate and put some emotional distance between you and this ‘friend’. Once she realises you’re no longer a walk-over, she’ll back off, so you’ll be rewarded for standing up for yourself.

Pamlar · 29/03/2022 22:52

@BringBackCoffeeCreams

Insurance company have said no, that the home/policy owner has to be around when the pool is in use?
I was going to say something similar. But also just a: No, it doesn't suit us. Is also fine. Esp bc it was left in a bad state previously
TempNameChangexx · 29/03/2022 22:53

Definitely change the key code now, don't wait until you go away !
And consider putting a Ring camera or similar by the gate so you know if anyone tries to get in any time !!

MsFogi · 29/03/2022 23:01

Just say "No, sorry that doesn't work for us".
If she insists say - "Well with the current financial squeeze we'd need you to cover the costs - it will be £1,000 for heating the pool for the two weeks plus £500 for us to organise for the chemical person to come around whilst we're away, so if that works for you just do a transfer for the £1,500 and I'll make sure to let you have the code before we leave. But I'll totally understand if you find it easier and cheaper just to use the local leisure centre to ensure your daughter isn't disappointed." [followed by big friendly smile and then move the conversation on]

Jux · 29/03/2022 23:02

Say the insurance thing, if she says anything else - anything at all including the oh poor dd thing - refer her to your dh. If he's at home at the time, tell to just hang on and go and get him (warn him first "she's doing the poor little dd will be so saaaad thing darling I can't cope) and let him say no for you. With luck, he'll start with "so your dd is sad she can't use our pool when we're not around?" and she'll just skedaddle.

NoToLandfill · 29/03/2022 23:04

MellowYellow try an Intex frame pool, a pool doesn't have to be 20m to be good fun