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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend asking to use swimming pool

839 replies

bakedbeansandgravy · 29/03/2022 16:20

a few years ago DH came into some inheritance and spent the money on a swimming pool We have always wanted one. Friends use it with us and all is good. However, my friend is asking to use the pool when we are due to be away in May. Access to the garden/pool is straight forward as we have a gate with number pad. However:

last time my friend used the pool when we were away (friend asked in advance) we came back to find the pool chemicals had not been done properly and the pool water was a lot lower than usual (can cause issues with the filter system). DH was fuming and it took him ages to get the chemical balance back.

To leave the pool heating on for my friend while we are away is going to cost us money. Money that could be saved from non-use by us while we are away but instead will be used/accrued by my friend. But I cant say we are trying to save costs ie the pool heating will be off while we are away and then turn it back on the minute we get home - if that makes sense.

I don't mind friend using the pool but it will cost us money (and I can hardly charge my friend), if we were here then the pool heating would be on anyways and last time my friend messed up the chemicals.

Any suggestions on what to do/say ?

OP posts:
mummymayhem18 · 29/03/2022 20:55

For gods sake woman,grow some lady balls and just tell her No! Also change the gate code. You have to stand up to people like that.

dialmformarzipan · 29/03/2022 20:58

Not reading through all responses - but, I'd change the code for the gate while I was away in this situation.

LikeABreathRipplingBy · 29/03/2022 21:00

Unless your friends will also have access to a toilet in your garden, it would be a no from me. Where are they going to go to the loo?

liveforsummer · 29/03/2022 21:01

Of course it's reasonable to only pay to heat the pool when you will be using it. I don't understand why you think that's not ok

petrichorinthesummer · 29/03/2022 21:02

How do you have a "friendship" if all she does is knowingly manipulate you and take advantage of you? What's in it for you? Why are you scared of saying no to her? What do you have to lose?

Aphantasia · 29/03/2022 21:04

Op if she pulls the ‘dd will be so ‘ line, simply respond with ‘that’s a shame I’d hope you didn’t make her any promises before you asked!’

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 29/03/2022 21:04

I will tell her she cannot use the pool, and include whatever reason, and she will say (because I know her too well) ''my DD was soo looking forward to using the pool but now she cant and will be so very disappointed''.

That's on her, not you, she shouldn't have told her DD she could use it without getting a reply. You tell her that if she says that, "YOU shouldn't have got DDs hopes up before you knew if you could use the pool." Say no and keep saying it.

Wafflesnsniffles · 29/03/2022 21:05

You need to somehow find your voice. Learn to stand up to her and say No!

I wouldnt bother to give a reason. As MN is so fond of saying "No is a reason in itself"
Id say no, change the number pad code, switch off the heating, pump etc. Go and enjoy your holiday.

And quit being her doormat once you get back.

Wafflesnsniffles · 29/03/2022 21:05

She can take her "very disappointed DD" to the local council pool like anybody else can.

londonrach · 29/03/2022 21:07

Just say no and change the code

BikiniB0tt0m · 29/03/2022 21:08

Don't give in. Like someone else said what if someone got hurt or drowned while you weren't there. Just tell the truth instead of making a story that could come back on you, you can say it tackfully. Like "my dh had to get the chemicals right last time and it was a faff he and I would rather be around, it more responsibility than you think and we feel more comfortable being around when people use it so if anything goes wrong it's on us not you" if she tries to convince you to give in you can say that it's what you and dh have decided on for the best, and it's not just up to you it's a joint decision and when you are back she can come round...if she goes on about her dd being disappointed don't engage just say oh we let you know when we can have you both round when we are back, there be other times. Smile and change the subject but let her know again if she carries on it's a final decision that's been made together as a couple. If you do it this time maybe it will help for future times when she tries to walk over you.

VinylCafe · 29/03/2022 21:09

@Puzzledandpissedoff

She massively takes advantage of me in many ways

I thought that would probably be the case

There's no point in mentioning insurance/maintenance or whatever to folk like this because they'll always have an answer, so just tell her the way she left it last time means it's now a no, and as PPs have said change your gate code

She won't like it, but if she's a user what's to lose?

This! Be honest and direct. Her DD can use the municipal pool.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 29/03/2022 21:09

I would say she can use the pool but that the heating will be off. I doubt she’ll want to use an unheated outdoor pool in May.

LuluBlakey1 · 29/03/2022 21:10

Change the gate code and just say no. It doesn't matter what her response is.

AnneKipankitoo · 29/03/2022 21:12

Definitely change the code on the gate as others have said .
Say no .
Insurance and maintenance issues as others have said .

SockFluffInTheBath · 29/03/2022 21:15

@mummymayhem18

For gods sake woman,grow some lady balls and just tell her No! Also change the gate code. You have to stand up to people like that.
Yes, change the gate code! Say your DH says no and it’s his pool?
Delectable · 29/03/2022 21:19

Just say you won't have the heating on cos of the cost and the chemical treatment in the past hasn't been done right so you prefer to only let friends use it when you're home.

Winter2020 · 29/03/2022 21:23

Hi OP,
It's horrible being put in this position when you find it hard to say no. I would say "no we have decided it is too much responsibility to let people use the pool while we are away". If pushed you are meaning if there was an accident and you weren't around, if the chemicals were put in wrong and someone got chemical burns etc etc...

You shouldn't be put in this position. If your asset was some swanky range rover costing a packet no one would think it was ok to borrow it when you were away. Why would you want friends around your house while you are away? It is different if you have chosen to offer your home to family or old friends to have a break for instance (that is like a gift from you and they are aware it is a gift from you) it's not OK for a mate to just decide they would have fun round yours and round they come. How much does the pool cost you (build, maintenance, insurance etc) (rhetorical question you don't need to answer) Absolutely no reason why you should be paying all that for your friend to swim when she chooses. Your pool allows you to treat your friends it is not a free for all.

If your mate says her daughter will be dissapointed:

  • she can use it when you are around one time
  • your friend can take her swimming
-if your friend says "it will cost me x to take her swimming" use the opportunity to say "how much do you think it costs us to run a pool?"

If it's not easy to reset the door code (if it would require taking apart to reset) then put a padlock and hasp on the inside of the door to be used as an additional measure when you are away. If your friend really would use your pool without permission she is no friend though.

Poppinjay · 29/03/2022 21:24

This friend walks all over me but I am not strong enough against her.

She is not your friend!

ZenKaleidoscope · 29/03/2022 21:27

I'd just say. "Sorry we don't let people use it when we are not there because it means we have to leave it on and it costs too much to do that. Also getting the chemical balance is a bit complicated so it's better if we are there to do it."

SilverGlassHare · 29/03/2022 21:28

I will tell her she cannot use the pool, and include whatever reason, and she will say (because I know her too well) ''my DD was soo looking forward to using the pool but now she cant and will be so very disappointed''.

So you say ‘Ah, that’s a shame.’ and then change the subject. If she says it again, you say ‘Yes, you said. What a pity. Anyway…’ and repeat. See this is a way to break the habit of being manipulated and used by her. If she falls out with you, what have you lost, really?

Hawkins001 · 29/03/2022 21:32

Plus for me I never see the attraction of pools, I much prefer a bbq area or sorta outdoor seating area like you have with various benches ect so you can study outside

StScholastica · 29/03/2022 21:32

@Guiltypleasures001

Who's liable if there's an accident? Your home insurance could be void if there's no agreement ref liability ...I kid you not
This.

Shes a CF as well, surely she understands that it costs a fortune to heat a pool.

Momijin · 29/03/2022 21:35

Actually that's a point, what if an accident happened?

NameChangeCity123 · 29/03/2022 21:37

I wouldn't make an excuse or you'll have to do it every time you go away. Just say no. Also change the code on your gate. Get better friends

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