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Original poster

Friend asking to use swimming pool

839 replies

bakedbeansandgravy · 29/03/2022 16:20

a few years ago DH came into some inheritance and spent the money on a swimming pool We have always wanted one. Friends use it with us and all is good. However, my friend is asking to use the pool when we are due to be away in May. Access to the garden/pool is straight forward as we have a gate with number pad. However:

last time my friend used the pool when we were away (friend asked in advance) we came back to find the pool chemicals had not been done properly and the pool water was a lot lower than usual (can cause issues with the filter system). DH was fuming and it took him ages to get the chemical balance back.

To leave the pool heating on for my friend while we are away is going to cost us money. Money that could be saved from non-use by us while we are away but instead will be used/accrued by my friend. But I cant say we are trying to save costs ie the pool heating will be off while we are away and then turn it back on the minute we get home - if that makes sense.

I don't mind friend using the pool but it will cost us money (and I can hardly charge my friend), if we were here then the pool heating would be on anyways and last time my friend messed up the chemicals.

Any suggestions on what to do/say ?

OP posts:
Mommabear20 · 29/03/2022 19:03

We've booked someone to come do a deep clean/ routine maintenance while we're away so it's a no unfortunately

MsTSwift · 29/03/2022 19:04

Peri menopause cannot come soon enough for you op! Once your nicey nicey people pleaser hormones go it’s great!

browneyes77 · 29/03/2022 19:05

I will tell her she cannot use the pool, and include whatever reason, and she will say (because I know her too well) ''my DD was soo looking forward to using the pool but now she cant and will be so very disappointed''.

And I’d reply “Well it’s probably best you don’t promise your DD things you cannot guarantee in future. Then YOU won’t disappoint her”.

EthelTheAardvark · 29/03/2022 19:05

"my DD was soo looking forward to using the pool but now she cant and will be so very disappointed"

Easy answer: No problem, tell her we'll arrange for her to come and use the pool after we get back.

FourChimneys · 29/03/2022 19:06

OP you need to practice not being weak. People will respect you for it.

The insurance issue alone is enough to make it irresponsible of you to let them use the pool while you are away.

Deep breath, say no, and change the gate code.

rwalker · 29/03/2022 19:06

The fact she made a mess of the chemicals last time tell her that .A half arsed way would be to say DH says no because of last time .

monotype · 29/03/2022 19:08

I will tell her she cannot use the pool, and include whatever reason, and she will say (because I know her too well) ''my DD was soo looking forward to using the pool but now she cant and will be so very disappointed''.

"Oh dear. That's disappointing for your DD that you don't build her a pool."

MargosKaftan · 29/03/2022 19:11

Its important with people like this to not give them reasons they can see as problems they can solve for you (so they can still get what they want), and to not give one off reasons for a "no" that you can't use next time they ask (and they will).

Saying its having maintenance will stop her this time but no reason she can't use it the next time, or the first half of the week if the maintenance is happening at the end etc. Saying problems with people looking after the chemicals - she'll come over in advance and have a lesson so she's certain she can sort it. Insurance doesn't cover it, dont worry, she'll check for you and it does...

So just flat no, or unspecified reasons. I have used the "its all very complicated and frankly far too boring to get into, but the upshot is im afraid its a no." type answer that just doesn't quite give people like this something to grab hold of and "fix".

Benjispruce5 · 29/03/2022 19:11

@BringBackCoffeeCreams perfect.

BabsFiddle · 29/03/2022 19:12

You might find this interesting - applies to private pools too.

www.accidentclaims.co.uk/personal-injury-compensation/swimming-pool-injury-claims

and that firm is in the UK... !

Just say that you are unhappy with anyone using the pool while you are away -express regret and issue and issue an invitation for when you get back. And change that code!

Loginmystery · 29/03/2022 19:14

@BakeOffRewatch

I don’t own a pool and would have no idea about the maintenance involved. Your friend may be the same and see the request as the same as asking to use your sun lounger, not realising the imposition. I suggest going in assuming the best and not worry about being confrontational or a conflict. Just say last time you hadn’t realised leaving the pool without the owners there to check daily led to bigger problems (no need to say because of anything friend did) and you realise now you can’t let people use it when you’re not at home, really sorry.
This is perfect.
Chely · 29/03/2022 19:18

Just say no

CruCru · 29/03/2022 19:19

The problem with pools is that people can think they are just like really massive baths and they aren't.

She won’t be terribly interested in your heating costs, insurance or the balance of chemicals. Even if you tell her that swimming in a pool with the wrong chemicals is dangerous, she won’t believe you.

If she decides to have a pool party, what’s the likelihood that they bring glass bottles along and one gets broken? Absolute disaster for a pool.

Please say no and mute her for a few days. Change the code (it’s a good idea to change it every now and then anyway) and get CCTV.

RedToothBrush · 29/03/2022 19:20

I will tell her she cannot use the pool, and include whatever reason, and she will say (because I know her too well) ''my DD was soo looking forward to using the pool but now she cant and will be so very disappointed''.

For godsake just grow a spine and say "you shouldn't have promised that she could use it without checking with me then"

Your problem is the word 'doormat' on your forehead.

You are already playing this out as if you are incapable of saying no and she will try and emotionally blackmail her, so just damn well say No its not ok with me and don't emotionally blackmail over it because its unfair.

Just STOP this shit and take control!

Clockstooforward · 29/03/2022 19:24

Definitely not…your insurance doesn’t cover other users if you are not present…genuinely wouldn’t want to risk an accident happening if it was my pool!

ittakes2 · 29/03/2022 19:25

Tell her you are using the time away for a huge dose of chemicals so not suitable for swimming.

Couchbettato · 29/03/2022 19:25

Erm, what if they had an accident while you were away?

That's a no from me.

An injury, accident or fatality on your property whilst you're not around to supervise could be very catastrophic for you. It's a small risk but not worth it.

Andacherryonthetop · 29/03/2022 19:26

And you say ‘ah sorry about that’

Don’t let her guilt you about her dd. She shouldn’t be informing her dd that she’s going to be going swimming in your pool when she hasn’t even been agreed.

I would say either the servicing thing or that the heating won’t be on sorry. If she persists just say apologies again that it’s not possible. Shut her down each time

JustLyra · 29/03/2022 19:28

Any suggestions on what to do/say ?

@bakedbeansandgravy "Sorry, we're not having anyone access the pool while we're away because it's not safe when it's not maintainted properly"

Then have your DH change the code just before you go and do not ask him for it until you get back. That way you can't buckle under pressure.

She will try and use it so make sure you tell her in writing by text or email as CF'ers like that won't hesitate to throw you under the bus if they/their child comes to harm when they sneak into your pool anyway.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 29/03/2022 19:28

Just turn the heat off in it and change the code and leave it at that

Cocomarine · 29/03/2022 19:28

It’s time to just lose this “friendship” altogether. You’ve even said, you’re weak and she knows it. Say no. Say you don’t want to have other people use it because the chemicals don’t get managed correctly, because you want to save money on heating it, and because you’ve decided you don’t want it used when you’re not there. Then put a bloody camera on it!

MzHz · 29/03/2022 19:29

@bakedbeansandgravy

thanks for all the replies, some good options here.

The pool maintenance was explained to her last time and she said she understood. When a hell of a lot of green scum started forming around the pool edges, I thought she would have realised something was wrong. But she clearly carried on using the pool. I have no idea how she managed to get so much water out of the pool. It was extremely low.

She massively takes advantage of me in many ways and I feel immensely pressured into saying yes. I'm weak and I know it and so does she.

Your last paragraph is why you say no.

Let H be the bad guy if that’s easier, but honestly just say something like “sorry, spoke to H and he’s said he doesn’t want anyone using house/pool while we’re away” and then all you have to do is say “no, doesn’t work for us, it’s our final word on the matter”

OliveTreees · 29/03/2022 19:29

I am the first one who can never say NO to to people but on the swimming pool issue, I have said no in many instances, even before the latest rise in electricity costs. In our climates (I suppose you live in the UK?) heating up a swimming pool is very expensive, but people don't realise it unless they have one.
When I have been exactly in the same situation, I have said to people, "Feel free to use the swimming pool, but it won't be heated up as we turn it off when were are away to save costs as it's so expensive these days". I can assure you they wont want to be swimming in freezing water Grin

Leeds2 · 29/03/2022 19:30

Whatever you decide to say, and assuming it is "no," make sure you do it by text. So when one of them has an accident, and decides to sue you, you have it in writing that you told her she didn't have permission use it whilst you were away.

Does your pool have a cover? I would imagine so, as it helps to keep the heat in. If the cover doesn't have a lock already, I would look to getting one fitted.

MzHz · 29/03/2022 19:32

I will tell her she cannot use the pool, and include whatever reason, and she will say (because I know her too well) ''my DD was soo looking forward to using the pool but now she cant and will be so very disappointed”

The oh my dd will be so disappointed gives me the rage!

Ignore, change the code or she will use it without permission and phase her out of your lives.