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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend asking to use swimming pool

839 replies

bakedbeansandgravy · 29/03/2022 16:20

a few years ago DH came into some inheritance and spent the money on a swimming pool We have always wanted one. Friends use it with us and all is good. However, my friend is asking to use the pool when we are due to be away in May. Access to the garden/pool is straight forward as we have a gate with number pad. However:

last time my friend used the pool when we were away (friend asked in advance) we came back to find the pool chemicals had not been done properly and the pool water was a lot lower than usual (can cause issues with the filter system). DH was fuming and it took him ages to get the chemical balance back.

To leave the pool heating on for my friend while we are away is going to cost us money. Money that could be saved from non-use by us while we are away but instead will be used/accrued by my friend. But I cant say we are trying to save costs ie the pool heating will be off while we are away and then turn it back on the minute we get home - if that makes sense.

I don't mind friend using the pool but it will cost us money (and I can hardly charge my friend), if we were here then the pool heating would be on anyways and last time my friend messed up the chemicals.

Any suggestions on what to do/say ?

OP posts:
AlwaysLatte · 29/03/2022 18:07

I don't mind friend using the pool
But you do. Just say no. You'd rather be around while it's in use as you're responsible for it.

Bionicname · 29/03/2022 18:08

She doesn’t sound like much of a friend actually with that kind of manipulative attitude. Maybe losing her over this would be a good thing?

godmum56 · 29/03/2022 18:09

@Brideandprejudice

Let this be a turning point for you. Once you've said no once, all the next times will be easier and you can stop letting her walk all over you.
This absolutely. If you don't want to be weak then don't be. Most of the "strong" folk who you look at who say "no sorry, that doesn't work for me" "No thank you I don't want to" No you can't park on my drive/borrow my mower" and so on....well it churns their stomachs too and they don't enjoy it either (well maybe sometimes Grin ) The way to stop doing it is to stop doing it. This one is an easy no to start on....pushy not friend who walks over you and trashed your pool the last time she used it.....I mean why on earth would you want to say yes?
KosherDill · 29/03/2022 18:09

Why are you classifying her as a "friend" ??

This below is good advice:
If she tries to talk you round or guilt trip you, either ignore it completely or say " im sorry you feel that way, but im surprised as we feel that we are already generous enough with our pool and friends, but us not even being there, its still a NO im afraid.

To be honest, per the poster above whose friend needed recovery time, I think I'd be tempted to declare 2022 a family-only pool year.

"Sorry, we've decided that we're going to use the pool for family time this year. We need the privacy and relaxation after two rough years."

or perhaps "Maintaining the pool for frequent use by numerous people has proven too costly and time-consuming; we may not gear it up until July or August. I'm sure you can find a public pool, though."

If I were you I'd set up a webcam. How tall is the fence?

2bazookas · 29/03/2022 18:09

"Sorry, I'm afraid we no longer allow anyone at all to use the pool while we are absent, because in the past unsupervised access has caused problems with maintenance and safety"

Firm and clear refusal without blame or accusations.

I'd change your gate keypad code while you're away. There might be is a genuine issue with your house insurers, about your public liability cover.

AlwaysLatte · 29/03/2022 18:10

Next birthday, buy her a two week local pool voucher.

KosherDill · 29/03/2022 18:10

Also, it's not your responsibility to keep her daughter from being disappointed. It's her job as a mother to manage expectations and not promise things she can't deliver, or that are dependent upon imposing on others.

CovidCanDoOne123 · 29/03/2022 18:11

Just say you don't want people using it when you're not there. Simples.

wellstopdoingitthen · 29/03/2022 18:13

I completely understand the difficulty of saying no, I find it very awkward too. The trouble is people take advantage of that. I have learned the hard way to say no when it really matters.

I would say "I'm afraid not because when we have let people use it in the past it has taken ages to sort out the damage from incorrect use of chemicals. We have also discovered that it voids our home insurance " then make sure you change the gate code.

If you mention the heating cost she might say they don't need it heated.

And when she tries to guilt trip you about her daughter's disappointment, I would say "that's a shame you promised her before I had agreed it".

Hopefully she won't ask again.

Enjoy your holiday

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 29/03/2022 18:13

I would say "Nobody can use the pool while we're away, sorry. It's maintenance issues." So you're not specifically denying her.

She will almost certainly push back and ask "What maintenance issues". I would reply "I tend to switch off when DH gets technical so I'm not sure of the exact details. But the pool can't be used unless he's around to check it every couple of days. I think it wouldn't be safe."

Also, as others have said, change the code because she doesn't give a fuck about your boundaries. Perhaps put up a wildlife cam or similar that's motion activated just in case.

carefullycourageous · 29/03/2022 18:13

All you need to say is 'Unfortunately we are not insured if one of us is not here, and so we can't let anyone use it without us'.

You need to grow a back bone as others have said!

Beachbreak2411 · 29/03/2022 18:14

Say no. Blame your insurance; owners not being on the property whilst pool being used invalidates insurance. We used to have a pool when I was younger and parents always used the insurance excuse whilst we were away!

Thewindwhispers · 29/03/2022 18:14

“Hey sorry we’re away then and we’ve decided to close it up and turn it off when we’re not there - turns out we could be liable for accidents and our insurance wouldn’t cover us when we’re away 😱. Plus it costs money for each day it’s on, and also we’ve had some problems with visitors not understanding the pool chemicals and damaging the system. Sorry hope you understand we just wanna turn it off. xx”

Chloemol · 29/03/2022 18:14

Tell her the truth

No sorry everything’s being turned off whilst we are away

AnneShirleysNewDress · 29/03/2022 18:16

Your insurance will be invalid so it's a no and i'd change the key code for your gate too.

Chloemol · 29/03/2022 18:17

I will tell her she cannot use the pool, and include whatever reason, and she will say (because I know her too well) ''my DD was soo looking forward to using the pool but now she cant and will be so very disappointed''.*

So then just say bright and breezy, oh dear well never mind you can take her to cxx(whatever your public pool is)

Also change the gate code now and don’t tell her the new one. Tell her it’s an insurance request if you must and you can no longer give the code out

GraceandMolly · 29/03/2022 18:17

Just say it won’t be heated while you’re away. Why complicate things?

WingingItSince1973 · 29/03/2022 18:18

I really would just say no. I would be worried about her bringing others along and being on your property while you are away is a risk anyway. Plus the cost to put it right again. My in laws have a pool although it's solar heated and I'll only use it on the hottest of days 🤣 Even so having access to that we have membership to our local hotel pool. I wouldn't dream of imposing on my inlaws even though they are very generous but I know the cost of the upkeep etc. When we had our own horses (I know a bit of a reach), friends thought they could just send their kids up to ride on them not realising the damage they could do to our horses and the time and effort that goes into looking after them. She sounds like she's a flakey friend anyway.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 29/03/2022 18:18

Honestly, I would put up CCTV or a ring camera because I bet she'll try and get in to use it anymore.

princesspq · 29/03/2022 18:19

''my DD was soo looking forward to using the pool but now she cant and will be so very disappointed''.

^ if she says something like this just don't reply, it's a statement not a question

TheOccupier · 29/03/2022 18:19

So many threads on here where the obvious yet seemingly impossible solution is simply "stop being a fucking doormat". I see this is another.

SiobhanSharpe · 29/03/2022 18:20

She absolutely will use it unless you change the gate code and is quite likely to mess it all up again. Then you could be in the firing line from your furious DH for not making it a/Crystal clear that she couldn’t use it and b/not changing the access code either to make sure.

TempName01 · 29/03/2022 18:20

We’re not comfortable with anyone using the pool in our absence as last time the chemicals were all wrong which can be very dangerous

CovidCanDoOne123 · 29/03/2022 18:21

@princesspq

''my DD was soo looking forward to using the pool but now she cant and will be so very disappointed''.

^ if she says something like this just don't reply, it's a statement not a question

Abso-bloody-lutely!!

Not your problem.

Magnoliasblur · 29/03/2022 18:21

@carefullycourageous

All you need to say is 'Unfortunately we are not insured if one of us is not here, and so we can't let anyone use it without us'.

You need to grow a back bone as others have said!

Yes! And get CCTV and CHANGE THE GATE CODE.

They obvs had a massive party last time, that is why the water is so low.

She is a piss taker

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