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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To Not Let DPs ExW Use Holiday Home

318 replies

Stupified · 29/03/2022 10:15

Been with DP for 4 years - each have our own children (mine 13 & 10, his 7 & 14) Mine are with me full time, no contact with their dad, DP has 50-50 arrangement.
About three years ago, I came into some money through the loss of a family member and invested it in buying a property in Wales. It’s taken a lot of work with redecorating, etc. to get it just how we want it and we love it. Have spent a lot of time there making it a ‘second home’ and it is particularly special as this is where my DP and I spend time ‘living together’ - as we don’t usually.
DPs ExW has started dropping hints to him that she’s ‘heard all about it’, ‘would love to see it’ and how she ‘can’t afford’ a holiday. DPs son piped up ‘mummy could take us to the Wales house’ and it was all very awkward - DP now feels guilty and said (to me) that maybe we should let her - AIBU to say no way?

OP posts:
kournikovaxx · 29/03/2022 12:33

This reply has been deleted

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Thoosa · 29/03/2022 12:34

Ofc you don’t have to if you don’t want to, but it’s not actually an unhinged idea.

It would be a nice gesture in a big friendly co-parenting group dynamic, but sadly that’s not achievable for most.

lovescats3 · 29/03/2022 12:34

Say no

LittleGwyneth · 29/03/2022 12:34

I initially thought it was a house you'd bought together and that you were being a bit U, but if it's soully your house then no, absolutely not.

Seraphinesupport · 29/03/2022 12:35

why the hell would someone want to go stay in there ex partners girlfriends house. Holiday home or not. I would find it wierd

Nanny0gg · 29/03/2022 12:35

@lifelast

Personally I would. I think it is important for families to have a holiday together, and it would be great for the kids to go there with their mum. If she can't afford a holiday with them, I personally would do it.
Why? The OP doesn't owe her partner's ex anything at all.

Should she lend her her car? Favourite shoes? Where does it stop?

The children can go with their father.

It's sad but when couples break up the children often have different experiences with different parents

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 29/03/2022 12:37

Sod that, it's not your partners home or your joint home and you are not married, it belongs to you so you are not obliged to let her stay there.
What CFuckery.
Perhaps your partner can give her some money to go on holiday with.

mummymeister · 29/03/2022 12:37

setting aside the fact that this is a bad idea, the minute you let this out to someone else, it stops being a second home and becomes a furnished holiday let. even if the someone else is a member of your family or a friend and even if no money changes hands. when this happens you then have to comply with 70+ pieces of legislation - fire risk assessments, refuse disposal contracts, gas safety certs, electrical safety certs, public liability insurance the list goes on and on. so its not just a matter of saying that she or anyone else can just use it on the same basis that you do, she cant. if you (or anyone else) thinks I am wrong/over the top then have a look at the Pink Book produced by PASC and visit britain and freely available to download online. also, in case you arent aware, there are huge changes coming to wales whereby second homes are looking at 300% plus council tax. if you dont know about this then google is your friend. I would use the legal framework as the argument to say no to her because its easier than having to deal with the emotional arguments.

Enough4me · 29/03/2022 12:38

@kournikovaxx that's really patronising. Many people are impacted by homes that are owned and not lived in (increased costs, lack of homes), whilst that isn't OP's key point, I can understand that some posters may feel frustrated with the growing housing problem.

abigailsnan · 29/03/2022 12:42

I think she is has a cheek to even think of asking can she go with the children,they have obviously not gone without a holiday to the Wales house so she is looking for a freebee for herself.
If she carries on asking let her know the rental for peak weeks she will soon stop asking,you won't find a holiday home peak weeks for less than £500.

urbanbuddha · 29/03/2022 12:44

My dh’s exw has a holiday home in France and she’s often said to us we can use it if we want to. We haven’t, but I think it’s a nice thing to do-and given that children have to deal with these blended ‘families’ when they never asked to be in one-it might be a good idea to let her use it for a small fee to cover costs. Especially as you let other people go there-what’s so bad about the ex wife? I know I’m going against many of the replies here but it seems that some people ‘s hackles get raised as soon as ex partners are mentioned. In our situation, we’ve all tried hard to get on and be relaxed with one another as it’s good for our kids-and us-why not treat her as just another friend or family member?

Yes.
I think you've got this arse over tit. She would presumably be taking her children for a holiday. I'd see it more as helping them have a holiday rather than seeing your DP's ex as a CF for asking.

lifelast · 29/03/2022 12:44

Why? The OP doesn't owe her partner's ex anything at all. Should she lend her her car? Favourite shoes? Where does it stop?

I was talking about what I would do. But to answer your points.
Sometimes you don't do things because you 'owe' someone - what a miserable transactional world would that be if we all lived like that - but because you want to, to given benefit or support to someone else out.

I see it as not impacting me to let her into a home I am not using at that moment, whereas I do see it as being a huge benefit to her and her children. You used to be able to get holidays from social work if you were living in deprivation, and I think that was brilliant. Some charities still provide holidays in recognition of how important they can be for families. So I see it like that, no cost to me but important benefit to her.

The comparisons to shoes and cars are a bit vacuous to be honest.

Thoosa · 29/03/2022 12:45

I think if you don’t want him to think in terms of “we”, though, you need to stop calling him a “partner”, which he clearly isn’t, and call him your boyfriend. The concept of partnership blurs the boundaries.

Also, I’d be careful never to let him know that you see his relationship with you as him “falling on his feet”. That really does have the potential to be combustible.

Countdown2023 · 29/03/2022 12:46

Nope. If you do it once it may become a regular expectation. Would it just be her and the children or would it be others as well?

Mexican House Thief scenario springs to mind.

lifelast · 29/03/2022 12:46

My dh’s exw has a holiday home in France and she’s often said to us we can use it if we want to. We haven’t, but I think it’s a nice thing to do-and given that children have to deal with these blended ‘families’ when they never asked to be in one-it might be a good idea to let her use it for a small fee to cover costs. Especially as you let other people go there-what’s so bad about the ex wife? I know I’m going against many of the replies here but it seems that some people ‘s hackles get raised as soon as ex partners are mentioned. In our situation, we’ve all tried hard to get on and be relaxed with one another as it’s good for our kids-and us

All, all, ALL of this.

Xpologog · 29/03/2022 12:51

Say yes to this and maybe she’ll want to come on holiday with you all next, or stay the weekend with you. 😵‍💫

MadinMarch · 29/03/2022 12:51

It honestly wouldn't bother me, I'm not sure why, it's just not something I could I get worked up about, and if it gave the kids a holiday with their mum then even better

It wouldn't bother me either.

But I''m happy to allow friends and family to stay in my home while I'm away on holiday. (I live in a popular coastal town). I've never had a problem with how it's been left etc.

I think it would be a nice thing to do for DP's kids and their mother, and show you as a mature and kind woman who doesn't necessarily conform to how mn think you need to view, and treat, ex wives.

hadenoughofcovid · 29/03/2022 12:52

Aww I would let her wouldn't bother me at all to be honest. Unless she is a nasty woman then I can't see why not.

AmyDudley · 29/03/2022 12:55

Well it's entirely up to you - it's your house, you know how you feel about it, so go with your feelings.
Personally I think it depends on relationship with the ex. If they are generally cordial I wouldn't have a problem. Because I wouldn't have anything incredibly personal in a holiday home, and because I would be happy for my DP's children, my step children to enjoy the house for a holiday with their Mother. I think any chance to promote good relations in blended families should be taken. But only you know what the relationship is like with your DPs ex.

cantbecoping · 29/03/2022 12:56

Not a hope!

Shiiiiiiiiiiitttt · 29/03/2022 12:57

@JosephineMarchingOnwards

No need to feel guilty about saying no. Do you ever loan/hire it out to other friends or family? If not, that obviously strengthens your case to DP – but even if you do, it is still okay to say no
This!

It’s your house, not his.

scoobydoo1971 · 29/03/2022 12:58

I run holiday lets. There is a difference between a second home, and a holiday let from a legal perspective. You have to get holiday lettings insurance to allow paying or gift (free) guests to stay while you are not also in occupation. As others have mentioned, there is also EPC reports, health&safety checks etc. I wouldn't allow it for this reason. I have our holiday lets set up to the max. in terms of insurance against all sorts...fire, accidents so on. You can use this as an excuse to prevent the let. Insurance won't allow anyone to stay unless the owners are also there...

funinthesun19 · 29/03/2022 13:00

Her having a holiday with her children doesn’t all hinge on you letting her stay in your house. I wouldn’t fall for that.

L0bstersLass · 29/03/2022 13:00

[quote Mamiddaubach]@NdefH81 Yes I'm a landlord. When we tried to sell the house we had two offers, both couples wanted it as a second home. We took it off the market and rented it out to a local couple. SO many houses in our village are second homes already. Some streets are dark in the winter with no cars parked outside them. Village schools are closing in north west Wales because locals have been priced out of the housing market. It's really sad to see.

This article is worth a read if anyone is interested - www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2022/mar/12/abersoch-second-homes-holiday-wales[/quote]
Chwarae teg i ti.

SirChenjins · 29/03/2022 13:01

My dh’s exw has a holiday home in France and she’s often said to us we can use it if we want to. We haven’t, but I think it’s a nice thing to do-and given that children have to deal with these blended ‘families’ when they never asked to be in one-it might be a good idea to let her use it for a small fee to cover costs. Especially as you let other people go there-what’s so bad about the ex wife? I know I’m going against many of the replies here but it seems that some people ‘s hackles get raised as soon as ex partners are mentioned. In our situation, we’ve all tried hard to get on and be relaxed with one another as it’s good for our kids-and us

I'm with this team. Unless she's an absolutely horror then I really wouldn't have an issue with it.

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