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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD birthday disappointment

142 replies

rainbowsandclouds · 28/03/2022 22:42

It was dd's 3rd bday on Saturday. Her actual birthday is this Wednesday but we decided to host a party few days before for Saturday instead as it's the weekend before the Easter holidays and the day before Mother's Day again ensuring peoples plan didn't overlap with dd's birthday. So I invited a few people (friends with kids similar age and a relative with kids similar age) and none turned up despite accepting the invites weeks before. In the end, it was DH, me and dd3 and my parents, brother and sil and the in-laws with sil.

I've arranged a lovely party as it's dds first party as the last two were in lockdown. So I arranged a two tier cake, balloons display and a lovely theme. I also brought loads of food for a bbq, alcohol and nibbles. Two friends said they were coming in the morning and didn't turn up and the relative sent a text message 3 hours after the stated time saying "sorry they can't come". We waited 5 hours for people to turn up and didn't put dd for a nap in case her friends turned up which left dd miserable all day as she was so tired. In the end I ordered take out, cut the cake at 6pm, cancelled the bbq and gave the bbq meat to mil and my mum as I have no space in my tiny freezer and also gave left over half each of a cake to our neighbours from the top tier as there were so much food and cake left over as 12 people didn't turn up.

Saturday night after clearing all the party mess I sat down to look on instagram and noticed one of the friends posted a story down the beach and the relative at a restaurant with their in laws. After viewing these stories both friend and relative text saying how sorry they were as the kids weren't feeling well and the relatives husband came down with a stomach bug which you could see him in the story as well having a jolly time.

I've been to all my friends and relatives birthdays and baby showers and this was the first time I organised such an event as the last two birthdays were in lockdown and I didn't have a baby shower as well.

Aibu to feel so hurt and betrayed and despite dd not having the comprehension yet on why her friends didn't turn up but what if it was her 4th or 5th birthday? I felt so sad for her on Saturday and just tried to imagine what if we didn't have family and it would just me, DH and dd.

How do I approach them from now on because from now on I will never invite them for anything. I don't throw mega events multiple times a year where people feel they must attend when they don't want to, but this was a first for both dd and us to host a party. Dd started nursery in January and next year I can organise something with her nursery friends as I have no problem in making friends and have already arranged a nursery party for her actual birthday on Wednesday with a cake and party bags for her nursery friends.

I don't know but I just needed a space to vent my disappointment. Thank you for reading. Btw, I'm a longtime poster and nc.

OP posts:
RestingPandaFace · 28/03/2022 22:45

I’d leave a reply on their stories saying hope you had a lovely day, so that they know you know.

Then fizzle them out and don’t bother with them again.

Dancingmoonlight · 28/03/2022 22:48

Definitely tell them you know! They should feel embarrassed!

Mooda · 28/03/2022 22:48

How rude and mean. As you say at 3 your DD won't really get it but any older and she would probably notice and be disappointed. Are they longstanding friends? I wouldn't invite them to anything again and just concentrate on the friends your DD makes at nursery and then school.

HollyWilloughby41 · 28/03/2022 22:50

You should comment on their post

Springhassprung86 · 28/03/2022 22:53

This is really mean and I would be hurt too. I’d tell them as much. You don’t have to cause an argument, just a “have to say, really disappointed that you lied and decided you had a better offer than dds birthday.”
I’m sure your baby had a lovely day and you made it really special for her Flowers

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/03/2022 22:57

Oh god, you poor thing. What a bunch of utter wankers. I don’t know what I’d do. We’re the same in that DD just turned 3 and hadn’t ever had a birthday do before so we had a party.

I’m honestly staggered people can be so completely shit. I hope she has a brilliant birthday and nursery party Flowers

Original poster
rainbowsandclouds · 28/03/2022 22:59

I didn't comment but when they messaged I I basically said along the lines no worries but too bad the kids missed out as we had so much fun! Ok we did have fun as a family I mean but dd was surrounded by adults and it would've been lovely to see her friends as well sharing that special day with dd and have photos where I can show her in the future. I mean to me, actions speak louder so I have some plans for this summer such as bbq's and weekend breaks here and there so I now know who to not invite from now on. We have been good friends for a decade now and the other friend I had not heard from at all is DH's friend but all the kids are close in age with dd between 6-2 yo.

OP posts:
Ionlydomassiveones · 28/03/2022 22:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

AffIt · 28/03/2022 23:01

It's rubbish for you, yes, but I think you set your expectations far too high.

TBH, nobody is really going to pitch up for a party for a kid that young: the kid doesn't care and the adults have better things to do.

Scale it back for next year, do something nice and small with your wee one, and be kind to yourself.

Original poster
rainbowsandclouds · 28/03/2022 23:08

To me I would've said outright that I can't come as I have other plans unfortunately if I didn't want to go. I get that people can prioritise but to leave us hanging for 5 hours. I guess they thought it wouldn't matter if they didn't turn up as the party will still go on.

I guess not being able to celebrate for the first two years made me go over the top with this birthday. I'm a first time mum so next year I would just keep family and do something with the nursery and in fact, I would book a restaurant for the family as well.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 28/03/2022 23:11

Having just had a party for a 3 year old I don’t understand the comments that a child that she doesn’t know what’s going on. Mine did, she knew who was coming, she noticed who was missing on the day - actual food poisoning - and she had a brilliant time.

I’m not trying to make you feel worse OP, sorry.

1st birthdays, sure, are for the parents. But we went to a few 2nd birthdays last year which didn’t fall in lockdown and those kids knew what was going on too.

And all that aside, if you don’t want to go to a small child’s party don’t accept the bloody invitation! If you do then you show up because the hosts are expecting you and will have invested time and money planning to feed you. You don’t lie or not show up because the sun is shining Hmm

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/03/2022 23:14

TBH, nobody is really going to pitch up for a party for a kid that young: the kid doesn't care and the adults have better things to do.

TBH I think this is really horrible. OP is upset and it’s just sticking the boot in. She missed out on two years of birthdays and got let down when she finally got to plan one.

pleaseletmesleeptonight · 28/03/2022 23:16

I feel your pain, we arranged a gathering last summer with 6 couples, I raced about bought stacks of bbq food, the same story and then in the morning they gradually backed out.

We had 1 couple turn up and did have a nice afternoon but I felt like a bit of an idiot and totally won't bother again as the excuses were lame.

They won't be invited again.

Summerfun54321 · 28/03/2022 23:18

Absolutely crushing ☹️ for you and DD. I think in these situations you have to focus on DD, did she have a good time? If she did then great, if she didn’t then maybe organise something another time for her without the bunch of bitches that didn’t show up! I think I’d struggle to be friends after no shows, so so rude.

Original poster
rainbowsandclouds · 28/03/2022 23:21

My dd is kind of delayed in terms of speech and communication so I can't work out her comprehension levels but I guess her memory levels have been forming since turning 2/2.5 and even so at 3. So I think she might remember this day in the future especially seeing pictures with no friends Grin

Dd did have a great time although very tired but she was really spoilt with amazing toys and have been carrying it everywhere yesterday and today. She even took it to nursery. She loved the cake and the balloon display. She got plenty of attention which she loves.

To be honest if I didn't invite these people, they would have said "oh thanks for the invite" if I posted it a pic on sm with family only. So this makes me more pissed off.

OP posts:
Babadook76 · 28/03/2022 23:24

@AnneLovesGilbert

Having just had a party for a 3 year old I don’t understand the comments that a child that she doesn’t know what’s going on. Mine did, she knew who was coming, she noticed who was missing on the day - actual food poisoning - and she had a brilliant time.

I’m not trying to make you feel worse OP, sorry.

1st birthdays, sure, are for the parents. But we went to a few 2nd birthdays last year which didn’t fall in lockdown and those kids knew what was going on too.

And all that aside, if you don’t want to go to a small child’s party don’t accept the bloody invitation! If you do then you show up because the hosts are expecting you and will have invested time and money planning to feed you. You don’t lie or not show up because the sun is shining Hmm

Exactly what I was about to say! She’s 3 years old, not 3 months. All my children had their first parties at that age where they got to invite their friends and they’d never been so excited. They knew at the time exactly who turned up and who didn’t. I also hate the argument that it doesn’t matter because they won’t remember in the future. I disagree with not caring about nice or horrible things happening to young children because they may not remember it when they’re older. Op this probably won’t be the best way to go about it, but I wouldn’t be posting that it’s a shame that other children missed out on a good time. I’d be posting that it was a shame your dd didn’t have any friends at her party because they didn’t turn up
Summerfun54321 · 28/03/2022 23:27

I do think you should let people know that their no shows contributed towards no children turning up. People should be made to feel guilty for being so rude.

Autumn42 · 28/03/2022 23:28

Sorry to hear this, I can imagine you were so looking forward to the first chance of a proper little party for her and so lovely and special at 3 as first birthday they have some understanding and excitement around it. That is really rubbish they couldn’t just tell you they wouldn’t be coming as then you could of put your effort into another way of celebrating, maybe a little break away or day out or even invited other friends you perhaps didn’t invite so as not to make it too overwhelming for her. People should realise how special this would of been for you

needingpeace · 28/03/2022 23:33

I think you should phase these people out. Terrible friends. Not worth the bother.

Carrotten · 28/03/2022 23:35

If you say your going to someone's party, or someone's house then you fucking go unless you are ill.

Irrelevant whether you want to go or not. If you don't want to go, make your excuses in advance. It's so fucking rude to back out last minute and lie! Even if it's a sunny day, you will have a lovely sunny day in the garden with your mates having a bbq and cake. That person has bought food and catered for you because you said you were going. Some of these people didn't didn't bother to inform the OP that they weren't coming ffs

It's irrelevant really if your DD noticed, I'm sure she had a lovely day with family, presents and cake. But its still a rude and twatty thing to do. I honestly cannot stand 'flakiness" it's just plain rudeness.

I genuinely would send them a message saying you saw their post on Instagram. Then phase these people out, they do not value you so why should you bother with them?

Fraaahnces · 28/03/2022 23:37

Sounds like you need better friends! I would write “I can see your kid’s obviously made a miraculous recovery then…”

Carrotten · 28/03/2022 23:38

I hope your DD had a lovely birthday OP, and I'm sure she did. It sounds like she has friends at nursery and will have a lovely time on Wednesday with them

In future just do not invite these people. If they question explain to them why.

Chloemol · 28/03/2022 23:41

I would post a comment along the lines of glad you had a good time, even though you told me that you/the kids were ill. And have managed to upset both me and my daughter by saying you would come and then made up some crap excuses which is a lie

Then I simply wouldn’t have anything to do with them

MissedItByThisMuch · 28/03/2022 23:43

TBH, nobody is really going to pitch up for a party for a kid that young: the kid doesn't care and the adults have better things to do.

Then don’t accept the invitation! Are people really saying it’s ok to say you’ll come and then just not bother turning up if you get a better offer/the sun is shining/whatever??

That’s unbelievably rude and I am very glad I don’t have friends and relatives like you!

Allsorts1 · 28/03/2022 23:43

That’s so horrible and you have every right to be upset. It might have been one of those perfect storms where each of the people individually assumed there were loads of people at the party and their absence wouldn’t have been noticed - unfortunately they all had that idea, probably because of the weather! Me and my DP almost did this to some friends this weekend as we assumed it was a BBQ with loads of people and they wouldn’t mind if we didn’t go, luckily we dragged ourselves out as when we arrived it was a beautifully laid table for just us and two others! So that could have been a disaster.

Often with these things you have to do a bit of herding cats. Message the night before saying you’re so excited to see them, message morning of asking ETA as you’re “putting the meat on soon”. Just make people realise their absence would be noted.

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