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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD birthday disappointment

142 replies

rainbowsandclouds · 28/03/2022 22:42

It was dd's 3rd bday on Saturday. Her actual birthday is this Wednesday but we decided to host a party few days before for Saturday instead as it's the weekend before the Easter holidays and the day before Mother's Day again ensuring peoples plan didn't overlap with dd's birthday. So I invited a few people (friends with kids similar age and a relative with kids similar age) and none turned up despite accepting the invites weeks before. In the end, it was DH, me and dd3 and my parents, brother and sil and the in-laws with sil.

I've arranged a lovely party as it's dds first party as the last two were in lockdown. So I arranged a two tier cake, balloons display and a lovely theme. I also brought loads of food for a bbq, alcohol and nibbles. Two friends said they were coming in the morning and didn't turn up and the relative sent a text message 3 hours after the stated time saying "sorry they can't come". We waited 5 hours for people to turn up and didn't put dd for a nap in case her friends turned up which left dd miserable all day as she was so tired. In the end I ordered take out, cut the cake at 6pm, cancelled the bbq and gave the bbq meat to mil and my mum as I have no space in my tiny freezer and also gave left over half each of a cake to our neighbours from the top tier as there were so much food and cake left over as 12 people didn't turn up.

Saturday night after clearing all the party mess I sat down to look on instagram and noticed one of the friends posted a story down the beach and the relative at a restaurant with their in laws. After viewing these stories both friend and relative text saying how sorry they were as the kids weren't feeling well and the relatives husband came down with a stomach bug which you could see him in the story as well having a jolly time.

I've been to all my friends and relatives birthdays and baby showers and this was the first time I organised such an event as the last two birthdays were in lockdown and I didn't have a baby shower as well.

Aibu to feel so hurt and betrayed and despite dd not having the comprehension yet on why her friends didn't turn up but what if it was her 4th or 5th birthday? I felt so sad for her on Saturday and just tried to imagine what if we didn't have family and it would just me, DH and dd.

How do I approach them from now on because from now on I will never invite them for anything. I don't throw mega events multiple times a year where people feel they must attend when they don't want to, but this was a first for both dd and us to host a party. Dd started nursery in January and next year I can organise something with her nursery friends as I have no problem in making friends and have already arranged a nursery party for her actual birthday on Wednesday with a cake and party bags for her nursery friends.

I don't know but I just needed a space to vent my disappointment. Thank you for reading. Btw, I'm a longtime poster and nc.

OP posts:
burnthur5t · 28/03/2022 23:45

@AffIt

It's rubbish for you, yes, but I think you set your expectations far too high.

TBH, nobody is really going to pitch up for a party for a kid that young: the kid doesn't care and the adults have better things to do.

Scale it back for next year, do something nice and small with your wee one, and be kind to yourself.

You're completely missing the point. Adults had said they were going to attend and then didn't turn up, they hadn't even got the decency to send a text

If you think that's okay then it says a lot about you

Katya213 · 28/03/2022 23:51

Don’t listen to anyone on here making excuses for their behaviour, if they said they were going they should bloody well went. I’m gutted for you but when she’s older and at school, she will have parties with lots of her school friends attending. Don’t get upset about it.

Ilovecharliecat · 28/03/2022 23:54

@rainbowsandclouds that's really shit that people just turn up without warning. The next few years will be nursery / school friends so don't worry about her having plenty of friends there. The posting on SM would really piss me off

Original poster
rainbowsandclouds · 28/03/2022 23:57

To be fair there is always better things to do if you look for it. For me there's always better things to do than attend a baby shower, birthday party and even wedding but I go to these to events for my friends and family and to be there for them when they are celebrating something special.

I do think people individually thought that there would be people still there and the party will go on if they didn't come and then not being there wouldn't even make a difference but it made a huge difference for me unfortunately. From now on it would be just family separate and the school friends. Thank you all for your thoughts and comments.

OP posts:
OfstedOffred · 29/03/2022 00:00

Its rude to tell you they were coming then not turn up
But it's a bit odd to have all your friends for a 3 year olds party unless the children all see each other loads (eg are at school or nursery or clubs together)?

Children that age are usually only fussed about seeing family eg cousins etc or children they are in nursery with.

Original poster
rainbowsandclouds · 29/03/2022 00:14

We meet up with the friends I would say once every month or two where we arrange a soft play session or a child friendly cafe with a play area where we catch up but we talk regularly. With the relative, I see them about 3-4 times a year on bdays or bbq. But I see and spend more time with the friends than the relative. The relative would have made a comment if I didn't invite her at all as she is from my mums side of the family and her own family live 8 hours away, so she practically has us (not me anymore Grin)and her in laws. She sees her in-laws quiet a lot as they live in the same town so the restaurant meeting was a bit Hmmreally? Is this why you couldn't come.

I could have invited other friends as well who either had young babies or were couples but I specifically chose them because dd likes them and gets excited when she meets them.

OP posts:
Original poster
rainbowsandclouds · 29/03/2022 00:16

Sorry and again I didn't want to make it too crowded as I can't host more than I have already invited due to space and not to overwhelm dd as well with so many people.

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 29/03/2022 01:23

@AffIt

It's rubbish for you, yes, but I think you set your expectations far too high.

TBH, nobody is really going to pitch up for a party for a kid that young: the kid doesn't care and the adults have better things to do.

Scale it back for next year, do something nice and small with your wee one, and be kind to yourself.

Maybe that's how you treat your friends but that's not how I treat mine. If I've accepted an invite then I go, and if I couldn't for whatever reason I'd give as much notice as possible and a genuine apology.
HerRoyalNotness · 29/03/2022 01:25

I’m sorry that happened to you. It’s happens to me in the past too, I felt so embarrassed and had loads of food and swore never again, it’s too much stress so now we just do our immediate family and have a cake.

eldora · 29/03/2022 01:34

I’m glad you’re not inviting them again, OP.

I wouldn’t bother going to their events either. You sound loveoy, there are better friends for you.

Secondsop · 29/03/2022 01:36

I’m so sorry, it must have been really disappointing for you and I think your friends have behaved badly and really rudely. I do think it’s worth you letting them know that collectively although they probably thought you wouldn’t miss them, their actions meant there weren’t any other children. But, although your daughter would have no doubt had a lovely time with the others there, it doesn’t mean she didn’t have a nice time anyway with her family. My kids always loved getting grown-up visitors. Once she starts school you’re into the world of school parties but for next year you know now to invite people that you know are prepared to prioritise you. FWIW even if they did get a better offer, unless it’s an opportunity too amazing for their own children to miss or something remarkable like, I don’t know, last-minute invite to the Oscar’s, or there’s illness involved, it’s not on to not go to your party, and it’s really not on for them not to have told you so you could manage the day in a way that worked for you. Just deciding you’d rather do something else is bad behaviour. They could just as easily have spent the day in the sunshine at yours. And it’s not as if it’s 30 kids and a disco - it’s families and kids who know each other! You’re quite justified in being upset and I hope she has a lovely party next year - we did just family for pre-school parties but that was because we just didn’t know loads of other kids’ families well enough (didn’t know any of the nursery families). So a family-focused party is still a really nice way to spend the day.

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 29/03/2022 01:36

I'd definitely be posting something along the lines of 'hope your DH didn't shit himself on the beach with that dodgy tummy of his. My DD's day was ruined too when no one turned up to her party'.

Don't invite them again. There's no excuse for their rudeness. Fair enough if they wanted to go to the beach, but knowing you've catered for a party and then not bothering to let you know they're not coming is unforgivable in my opinion. They must have known you'd see their social media - but they didn't care enough about you to even cover up their lies. Ditch them asap.

Original poster
rainbowsandclouds · 29/03/2022 01:46

@HerRoyalNotness I was up early hours on Saturday scrubbing the bathrooms and making sure the whole house was squeaky clean because guests were arriving. Normally with my family and in-laws they don't mind if the house is a mess. I feel so disappointed especially in this current climate with the cost of living increase and to see the cake and food go to waste really really annoyed me. Normally we don't really 8 bottles of wines and so many bottles of fizzy drinks, fruit shoots for the kids and snacks. If I knew this was going to happen, I would have scaled down a lot and in fact it would have been much cheaper to host it in a restaurant and just organise a small cake and get a number 3 helium balloon with a few small balloons attached.

OP posts:
Original poster
rainbowsandclouds · 29/03/2022 01:53

@PissedOffNeighbour22 I've thought about that and to confront them but they have their dc's birthdays coming up in a couple of months time and if we do get an invite which we will, I will let them know in advance that I made plans with dm. Something simple to say despite seeing dm frequently, I still don't want to spoil my plans with dm to attend your dc's birthday.

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 29/03/2022 02:17

I don’t understand the angst on behalf of your DD, as you say she is having a nursery party on Wednesday? Surely she will view that as her party? The other was just a BBQ that flopped, which is right being disappointed over given a waste of food but that’s it really. A heads up for future, no adult in their right mind WANTS to attend a party for a 3yo. You stick to a party with nursery friends at somewhere like soft play or the park. The nursery friends have to have an adult stay (and suffer) given their age but that’s okay as it’s all swings and roundabouts. You don’t try and make anyone else that is not the parent of another 3yo at nursery or extremely close 3yo friend outside of nursery suffer so don’t invite them, they will be grateful. If grandparents want to come then they just come join in the party with nursery friends and can choof off when suits them.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/03/2022 02:33

I’m glad your dd didn’t notice so much that they didn’t come and hope she has a lovely party tomorrow. I’d be really hurt. Does this also mean they won’t be giving your dd a present? The whole thing is incredibly rude.

StatisticalDream · 29/03/2022 02:42

[quote rainbowsandclouds]@PissedOffNeighbour22 I've thought about that and to confront them but they have their dc's birthdays coming up in a couple of months time and if we do get an invite which we will, I will let them know in advance that I made plans with dm. Something simple to say despite seeing dm frequently, I still don't want to spoil my plans with dm to attend your dc's birthday. [/quote]
I'd just Tell them clearly that their behaviour bwas rudenajd selfish or as pp have said comment on their Instagram posts so they know you know.

If you tell them that you've got plans when their little ones have their birthday then it will just normalise and excuse their own behaviour to them.

I'm sorry you had a crap party. Once accepted people should show up unless they have a good reason not to and even then they should inform you asap.

I hope the nursery party will go well and your little ones will have lots of fun.

Underfrighter · 29/03/2022 02:43

Absolutely disgusting behaviour.

I'd tell them OP. Doesn't have to be rude just a simple 'I'm hurt you backed out at the last minute/ told me x but out y on your social media'. When you agree to something you don't let that person down especially where a child is involved that might not understand that other things come up and where that person has likely gone to the effort of catering for you in advance

Underfrighter · 29/03/2022 02:45

Also if you don't tell them you will end up being the bad guy for not rearranging your plans for their childs birthday! They were ill or busy and couldn't make it but you just can't be bothered! Don't let them control this narrative

KatherineofGaunt · 29/03/2022 03:09

I really feel for you, OP. I had similar from a couple of people for my son's 3rd birthday. One just said the kids were ill the night before. Another actually said they'd decided to go to London instead, so at least they were honest about the fact they'd had a better offer, but I just didn't realise someone would say or do that the day before a child's party! It's so rude.

I'm not sure your DD will remember it much so try not to let your disappointment cloud the day.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 29/03/2022 03:12

It is very easy to see who the flaky people are on this thread. It's bloody rude to accept an invite then not turn up making crap and untrue excuses. If think that's ok you have bad manners. I would probably prefer a beach day to a small child's party too, but if I'd said I was going, then I would go (barring genuine illness).

HELLITHURT · 29/03/2022 03:21

@Ionlydomassiveones

It was a cracking weekend weather-wise - the first real nice day of the year - so perhaps people felt that they wanted to make the most of it and not be stuck at a child’s 3rd birthday party. I do understand your disappointment and I’m sorry if that sounds harsh but your little girl wouldn’t have known any different and you did have some close family there to see her.

You’re going to have to get used to the idea that ‘friends’ at this stage (other parents with kids of a similar age) are going to be flaky and unreliable as they each selfishly prioritise their own kids. I speak from experience. This party was a big deal to you but not to them. Rather than being bitter and sad, just build a bit of flexibility in future, expect people will inevitably let you down and feel blessed that you and your dd have a nice family that will turn up and celebrate with you. Enjoy it regardless of the flakes and fakes.

So you don't turn up at parties because the weathers too nice? Lie and say your child is unwell? With friends like that, who needs enemies?
WTF475878237NC · 29/03/2022 03:36

How rude of them OP. At least you've got the measure of them now before she's old enough to be sat there crying at not a single friend turning up who said they were coming.

It's this attitude of "we won't be missed/other people will do XYZ" that I hate...well no, but if everybody else also doesn't bother turning up then it doesn't quite work then.

Girlmumdogmumboymum · 29/03/2022 04:02

Ouch, I remember DDs excitement at the idea of parties and seeing kids her age at 3.
I'd be really inset if I were you. What shitty people, didn't even have the forethought to not post their days on SM where you'd see.

Thats what would make me see red. Something came up- you're out of pocket, plans you've worked on for DDs birthday fell through. How thoroughly shit, but to then see the truth of what they preferred to do without them saying, Mate. We have prioritised x/y/z sorry. Just really takes the cake.

LollyLol · 29/03/2022 04:19

I’d be so upset and disappointed in your shoes, for them to be so mean and flaky they don’t stick to an invite already accepted… well their loss.
As you mention you may get invites to their kids parties then, when you decline phrase it pointedly: “thanks you for the invite but we may have other plans that day. I’d hate to accept the invite and then pull out last minute because a better offer came along so I’m going to decline. My dd and I were so sad when you didn’t turn up to her party, especially with all the work to make the party special and the little party bags she helped put together to hand out. “

So incredibly rude of your friends.