DD birthday disappointment

[rainbowsandclouds]

It was dd's 3rd bday on Saturday. Her actual birthday is this Wednesday but we decided to host a party few days before for Saturday instead as it's the weekend before the Easter holidays and the day before Mother's Day again ensuring peoples plan didn't overlap with dd's birthday. So I invited a few people (friends with kids similar age and a relative with kids similar age) and none turned up despite accepting the invites weeks before. In the end, it was DH, me and dd3 and my parents, brother and sil and the in-laws with sil.

I've arranged a lovely party as it's dds first party as the last two were in lockdown. So I arranged a two tier cake, balloons display and a lovely theme. I also brought loads of food for a bbq, alcohol and nibbles. Two friends said they were coming in the morning and didn't turn up and the relative sent a text message 3 hours after the stated time saying "sorry they can't come". We waited 5 hours for people to turn up and didn't put dd for a nap in case her friends turned up which left dd miserable all day as she was so tired. In the end I ordered take out, cut the cake at 6pm, cancelled the bbq and gave the bbq meat to mil and my mum as I have no space in my tiny freezer and also gave left over half each of a cake to our neighbours from the top tier as there were so much food and cake left over as 12 people didn't turn up.

Saturday night after clearing all the party mess I sat down to look on instagram and noticed one of the friends posted a story down the beach and the relative at a restaurant with their in laws. After viewing these stories both friend and relative text saying how sorry they were as the kids weren't feeling well and the relatives husband came down with a stomach bug which you could see him in the story as well having a jolly time.

I've been to all my friends and relatives birthdays and baby showers and this was the first time I organised such an event as the last two birthdays were in lockdown and I didn't have a baby shower as well.

Aibu to feel so hurt and betrayed and despite dd not having the comprehension yet on why her friends didn't turn up but what if it was her 4th or 5th birthday? I felt so sad for her on Saturday and just tried to imagine what if we didn't have family and it would just me, DH and dd.

How do I approach them from now on because from now on I will never invite them for anything. I don't throw mega events multiple times a year where people feel they must attend when they don't want to, but this was a first for both dd and us to host a party. Dd started nursery in January and next year I can organise something with her nursery friends as I have no problem in making friends and have already arranged a nursery party for her actual birthday on Wednesday with a cake and party bags for her nursery friends.

I don't know but I just needed a space to vent my disappointment. Thank you for reading. Btw, I'm a longtime poster and nc.

I think your friends were out of order. I was brought up that if you accepted an invitation you went, but you’ll see from this post others think that it’s fine to pull out of things for good weather/better options.

I think people are worse since the pandemic - it’s likely they’ve forgotten social niceties.

If it makes you feel better I was at a child’s birthday party this weekend, similar age. 7 children who said they would attend cancelled on the day. Im sure a lot was it because it was nice weather and they thought they would rather do something else.

It's very, very rude. If you accept an invitation, you turn up, barring Covid or some other infectious illness. It's really as simple as that. No better offers, no "want to be out in the nice weather". You turn up because you have agreed to be there, your host has relied on you and letting others down is a shitty thing to do.

I'm so sorry, OP, it sounds very hurtful and I can't believe that they left you hanging around after reconfirming on the day. I certainly wouldn't be feeling like I had to invite them again or make a big effort to attend their events....I think you're right to look to make other friends who are more worth keeping. These ones are not.

I think it's a bit OTT arranging big parties for pre school children, but still think it very rude to back out at such late notice or just not turn up.

I cant believe some think it’s okay to accept an invitation then decide to take a “better offer” at the last minute. It is rude and inexcusable, full stop. The fact that it’s a party for a three year old doesn’t make it okay. It’s rude and inconsiderate of the host.

This is so rude and I would tell them politely but firmly how rude it is. You're not setting expectations too high at all. I am 36 and still remember my 3rd birthday party and the cake I had for it so it's bollocks to say that she's too young. And besides which even if the parents think it's pointless it's still bloody rude and selfish to let you cater for them then not bother turning up. It's really sad as well that our generation are becoming more and more antisocial and forgetting what really makes a childhood. A kid's party to us might just be a burden but to the kids it's so important and will form some of their key childhood memories. Please don't stop making memories for your baby OP. Don't scale it down just find new friends (this will get easier as she starts school) Don't give up on parties just yet but if they carry on being too difficult for you both then perhaps take your daughter for a special day out instead. Either way though don't let anyone tell you you're doing too much for her. You're doing great and you'll help her treasure these special occasions forever xx

I refuse to consider having parties for my big zero birthdays now after remembering how I felt when “close friends” pulled out because they were tired after work for my 30th. Then the next time we saw them they were raving about how important it was to make a big deal for someone else’s 30th celebration . I decided then and there to not have any more of my celebrations be dependant on other people! It sounds like you have a lovely caring family and that’s lovely. I do think unfortunately you won’t feel the same about these friends and relative. You don’t need to freeze them out but maybe move them to an more peripheral circle in your life. Your plan to have a close family celebration and a nursery/school party is a good plan. It’s in moments like these that you realise some people who enjoy reaping the benefits of your reliability and that you’ll put yourself out to prioritise them don't bother doing the same for you. It’s a personal decision but I’ve only kept close friends, who do chose to do similar for me.

If you get an invite to their DC's party I would just completely ignore it TBH.

These people are shockingly rude and selfish. At least now you know what they're like and know not to bother making any effort with them in future.

I strongly disagree with the person upthread who thinks it's ok to not turn up to a child's birthday party just because the weather is nice. That's extremely rude and inconsiderate behaviour. Seeing comments like that at least explains how these things happen... There are arseholes out there who don't care that someone has spent time and money catering for them and then is sitting at home waiting for them to turn up whilst they swan off doing something else, all the while thinking that it's perfectly fine because a 3 year old doesn't know it's their birthday (of course they bloody do). Unbelievable.

They’re really rude; don’t invite them anywhere again

I think they have been very rude and I would rethinking their friendship. Your daughter would not care - it is you they let down.

Rude and uncaring. I would be upset too OP.

Lesson learnt though.

Move on and leave them behind.

I know how you feel. My hometown with all my family was an hour away from where I lived.
I went to everything...everything. Baby showers, wedding showers, graduations...birthday parties...the list goes on for 30 years. Driving back and forth and back and forth..over and over.

When my grandson graduated from High School my daughter invited my entire family...Maybe 20 people. NOT one showed up. NOT ONE.
My sister said that she had to go to her grandson's soccer practice. Of course her daughter and son etc. also went to the soccer practice.

The others said it WAS TOO FAR! ( An hour) For every celebration I had for my kids (2) we had to go to the small hometown and have it at the family reunion. ( Ugh) so if they Graduated in June, but we had to celebrate with family in August ( reunion)

Same with their baby showers...hauling food and decorations to , drinks, presents and decorations to small town reunion because they couldn't make the trip. Never came to their weddings because of the distance.

What did I do? I realized how important my kids and I were to them. I moved away 12 years ago from Ohio to Florida and I haven't been back since. ( My kids visit frequently)

I am so sorry...I know that hurt your feelings because all those years I was hurt too.

@AffIt

It's rubbish for you, yes, but I think you set your expectations far too high.

TBH, nobody is really going to pitch up for a party for a kid that young: the kid doesn't care and the adults have better things to do.

Scale it back for next year, do something nice and small with your wee one, and be kind to yourself.

What a crass, insensitive and ignorant post.

Yes it matters. It's about being friends and showing up for people you love.

poor DD, hope she had some nice gifts. They don’t seem like proper friends OP

It was a cracking weekend weather-wise - the first real nice day of the year - so perhaps people felt that they wanted to make the most of it and not be stuck at a child’s 3rd birthday party

Seriously
You think it is OK to let other people down for this reason? @Ionlydomassiveones?
Flakey “friends” like you don’t sound very nice. Stop making excuses for bad behaviour. It is never acceptable to do this. I have brought DD up to not flake out on friends for better offers, and she doesn’t because she has integrity. Something you clearly don’t have.

TBH, nobody is really going to pitch up for a party for a kid that young: the kid doesn't care and the adults have better things to do.

And you don’t sound any better @Affit or you @HoppingPavlova. It’s never OK to say you are going to something and then change your mind, especially when you know people are cooking for you.

What is wrong with you people? There are some shitty posters on this thread.

I think it's a bit OTT arranging big parties for pre school children,

No it isn’t. DD had a birthday party for her third birthday. Fortunately, all the invitees turned up. It was July and the weather was hot, so we had the paddling pool out, and I had told all the parents we were doing everything in the garden and for the children to bring swimwear. (and we live nowhere near the sea).

I’m sorry this has happened @rainbowsandclouds. And happy birthday to your DD for tomorrow

These aren’t your friends OP, I’m very sorry- what utter shits!

I'm going to give you a different view here. As a mum it is disappointing when people don't turn up for parties especially when you have accepted an invite. This isn't uncommon OP so try not to take it to heart!

I would decline the party invite when your friends next invite you for their DC.

Your family member needs to be pulled up though.

That's so rude. If someone accepts an invitation they should honour it. If another oppIf they can't, they should let you know as far in advance as possible. We all get that things happen, like getting sick on the day, but to just no-show and lie - in no way is that okay. I would have no problem letting friends like that go. They've shown you who they are.

OP unless you feel like a beggar who can't be a chooser you need to raise the bar with what you expect from friends. Their behaviour was very rude here.

OP
Saturday night after clearing all the party mess I sat down to look on instagram and noticed one of the friends posted a story down the* beach and the relative at a restaurant with their in laws. After viewing these stories both friend and relative text saying how sorry they were as the kids weren't feeling well and the relatives husband came down with a stomach bug which you could see him in the story as well having a jolly time.
.....................................
You are much nicer than I would have been. I would have said something on their instagram...and I would let them know that you were angry at first, but now after giving much thought to it you are hurt.

TBH, nobody is really going to pitch up for a party for a kid that young: the kid doesn't care and the adults have better things to do.

Really? In my world if you accept an invitation to a kids’ party (or any party) you attend, barring illness or an emergency etc.

And lots of three year olds would care, depending on their stage of development.

And I can only speak for myself, but my oldest is that age and I love taking him to birthday parties because it’s so nice to see him playing with other children (and nice for me to meet other parents).

DD is 3 and absolutely understands and looks forward to birthday parties! I don't really recognise the 'she won't have any idea' thing. If I'd told her she was having a party and X,Y, Z were coming and then none of them actually showed up, she would very much be aware of it! Her party was 6 weeks ago and she still talks about it.

My DD had her 6th birthday recently. One Mum text to say her dd was really ill...bumped into the child at the park an hour after the party! 2 were no shows so I messaged to see if they were okay and apparently the kids decided that day they didn't want to go. DD only had a small party so it was really noticeable and she had also missed out on inviting different friends. She still had a great time but it was just so rude.

YANBU to be annoyed about this, if you've said you're going to something then you go to it. Mistakes happen and people might even forget but lying and just a last minute change of mind is not on. Personally I think people are becoming increasingly flaky and it's not okay.

Personally I wouldn't be able to resist making a little comment on their post - nothing about being hurt etc, just something so they know you've seen it (missed you at the party today, so glad to see dh was well enough to enjoy the beach).

“Saturday night after clearing all the party mess I sat down to look on instagram and noticed one of the friends posted a story down the beach and the relative at a restaurant with their in laws. After viewing these stories both friend and relative text saying how sorry they were as the kids weren't feeling well and the relatives husband came down with a stomach bug which you could see him in the story as well having a jolly time.”

I HATE that people do this. So rude, so dishonest, so pathetic…yet if you say anything, YOU end up the bad guy for being annoyed.
Yanbu. Why are people such liars?

And yes it's incredibly rude. The weather being nice is not an excuse to not turn up to a prearranged event because something 'better' came along. We had a soft play party on Saturday. The weather was glorious and personally I didn't want to spend two hours inside a soft play centre with no windows, but we had committed to going and accepted and invitation so of course we went.

Seems far too many people with no sense of integrity these days.
I don't think I'd want to be around such dishonest people.

Decline their invitations, don't invite them anymore, and ignore any CFery about not being invited.

Weeding these people out leaves room for more genuine people in your life.