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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD birthday disappointment

142 replies

rainbowsandclouds · 28/03/2022 22:42

It was dd's 3rd bday on Saturday. Her actual birthday is this Wednesday but we decided to host a party few days before for Saturday instead as it's the weekend before the Easter holidays and the day before Mother's Day again ensuring peoples plan didn't overlap with dd's birthday. So I invited a few people (friends with kids similar age and a relative with kids similar age) and none turned up despite accepting the invites weeks before. In the end, it was DH, me and dd3 and my parents, brother and sil and the in-laws with sil.

I've arranged a lovely party as it's dds first party as the last two were in lockdown. So I arranged a two tier cake, balloons display and a lovely theme. I also brought loads of food for a bbq, alcohol and nibbles. Two friends said they were coming in the morning and didn't turn up and the relative sent a text message 3 hours after the stated time saying "sorry they can't come". We waited 5 hours for people to turn up and didn't put dd for a nap in case her friends turned up which left dd miserable all day as she was so tired. In the end I ordered take out, cut the cake at 6pm, cancelled the bbq and gave the bbq meat to mil and my mum as I have no space in my tiny freezer and also gave left over half each of a cake to our neighbours from the top tier as there were so much food and cake left over as 12 people didn't turn up.

Saturday night after clearing all the party mess I sat down to look on instagram and noticed one of the friends posted a story down the beach and the relative at a restaurant with their in laws. After viewing these stories both friend and relative text saying how sorry they were as the kids weren't feeling well and the relatives husband came down with a stomach bug which you could see him in the story as well having a jolly time.

I've been to all my friends and relatives birthdays and baby showers and this was the first time I organised such an event as the last two birthdays were in lockdown and I didn't have a baby shower as well.

Aibu to feel so hurt and betrayed and despite dd not having the comprehension yet on why her friends didn't turn up but what if it was her 4th or 5th birthday? I felt so sad for her on Saturday and just tried to imagine what if we didn't have family and it would just me, DH and dd.

How do I approach them from now on because from now on I will never invite them for anything. I don't throw mega events multiple times a year where people feel they must attend when they don't want to, but this was a first for both dd and us to host a party. Dd started nursery in January and next year I can organise something with her nursery friends as I have no problem in making friends and have already arranged a nursery party for her actual birthday on Wednesday with a cake and party bags for her nursery friends.

I don't know but I just needed a space to vent my disappointment. Thank you for reading. Btw, I'm a longtime poster and nc.

OP posts:

HELLITHURT · 29/03/2022 14:33

@FateHasRedesignedMost

Or get more reliable, genuine friends

I’m not sure I’d judge people on one failure to attend an event. They probably didn’t realise what a big deal it was to OP and thought it was more a family tea party in the garden.

3 year olds are notoriously difficult to take to parties; you have to get them dressed up, work around naps, watch them constantly in someone’s garden, often leave early if they tantrum or get too hot/tired/overstimulated.
If they’ve had a bad night or wake up with sniffles or in a bad mood, getting to a party can feel impossible.

Or you prefer to take them to a beach or go to a restaurant and just lie!

Three year olds are hard to take to a party.. really?

WhatNoRaisins · 29/03/2022 14:35

Also how many 3 year olds still nap?

If something sounds like it's not going to work logistically you just say no.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 29/03/2022 14:35

3 year olds are notoriously difficult to take to parties; you have to get them dressed up, work around naps, watch them constantly in someone’s garden, often leave early if they tantrum or get too hot/tired/overstimulated. If they’ve had a bad night or wake up with sniffles or in a bad mood, getting to a party can feel impossible

not all 3 yr olds still nap
its a kids party, you take them and let them play, end of
way easier then schleping to a beach
stop reaching for reasonable excuses

Rosehugger · 29/03/2022 14:42

TBH, nobody is really going to pitch up for a party for a kid that young: the kid doesn't care and the adults have better things to do

Really? I had birthday BBQs for DD1 at that age and we had about 40 people, adults and kids. People generally do turn up for free food and booze.

KitBumbleB · 29/03/2022 14:44

A BBQ in the sun with friends, cake, and wine sounds great fun.

Flakey people do my head in, especially when they dont even try and hide it. Its like people are so selfish these days they have forgotten how to have manners

RoseGoldEagle · 29/03/2022 15:15

TBH, nobody is really going to pitch up for a party for a kid that young: the kid doesn't care and the adults have better things to do.

I always find opinions like this so odd. Lots of people came to my DD’s 3rd birthday, and I happily go to celebrate birthdays of my friends and family’s children too, I genuinely do enjoy seeing them open their presents, seeing my kids play with theirs and generally being part of their lives as they grow up. And if someone doesn’t want to come I don’t mind at all- but I’d hope they would tell me that when I invited them, not on the day itself!

Sorry OP, I’d have been really disappointed too. Sounds like your DD has a lovely close family though and I’m sure she had a great time.

Colourfulrainbows · 29/03/2022 15:32

Just want to say. Sorry for the let down you had regarding your daughters birthday party. Her birthday is tomorrow - same as mine so happy birthday to her :-). Hey I am a grown adult and would be disappointed if someone said they was coming round only to not bother and lie about it. I mean even an hour wouldn't have hurt. I get it it's not the no show its the lieing about it.

I hope your daughter has a fantastic day tomorrow. Oh and I have a sen young adult his bday is in the summer holidays so been there organising party for no show luckily have a big family but cousin etc get older. I find best thing to do is take them out as family for the day and maybe tea with others day after. Sending care xx

Meltedwellie · 29/03/2022 18:28

It's incredibly bad manners to behave as they did. Hold your head high. You organised a lovely day for your daughter and you now know who not to invite in the future.

Mirrorball2022 · 29/03/2022 18:56

So many on here excusing the behaviour of these so called friends. If you don’t want to go to a kids party then say no to the invite. You don’t not turn up, bloody lie and post the alternative day you had on social media. That’s rude behaviour and I can see why @rainbowsandclouds was upset.

I’m an adult with no kids and have been invited to friends and families small kids birthday parties. It’s usually been more of a gathering of friends and family than a full on ‘kids only party’. But if I’m free then I’m happy to go and spend time with those people because they mean something to me and it’s obviously important to them.

If it’s not your thing or you have better things to do then you decline the invite before the event.

Genevie82 · 29/03/2022 19:04

Op your being far too kind and gracious to these “ friends” .. my dd is 3 and I would be totally crushed for her if this happened to a party I’d arranged for her. Just as well you had family to buffer the day but that might have not been the case.. I think I’d have had a little cry to myself afterwards! Have no communication with these people from now in.. if they care they will come back to you and realise the offence they have caused xxx

RampantIvy · 29/03/2022 19:12

I agree @Mirrorball2022. I can't understand why people think it is OK to discard other people like this. I hope it happens to them.

gumball37 · 29/03/2022 21:48

I have come to the conclusion that parties are a waste. So much better to just have a family day with cake. All the time and money spent for no one to show up. It isn't worth it

MamaFirst · 29/03/2022 22:02

There is no excuse sufficient enough. Its rude and selfish behaviour and should open your eyes to these people, they are not your friends. You would not treat people you actually care about this way.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 30/03/2022 08:51

@gumball37

I have come to the conclusion that parties are a waste. So much better to just have a family day with cake. All the time and money spent for no one to show up. It isn't worth it

Well sometimes people show up and then they are good

Jannt86 · 30/03/2022 09:50

@Hugasauras

And yes it's incredibly rude. The weather being nice is not an excuse to not turn up to a prearranged event because something 'better' came along. We had a soft play party on Saturday. The weather was glorious and personally I didn't want to spend two hours inside a soft play centre with no windows, but we had committed to going and accepted and invitation so of course we went.

Funnily enough my daughter's 4th birthday was 5-7pm this Saturday. If by chance it was her birthday you came to I'm eternally grateful that nobody flaked out on us and can assure you I ddin't want to be in a stuffy softplay either

March is a tough call to make weather-wise and you can guarantee if an outdoor acitivty was planned it'd be freezing and pooring it down. Whoever's party you went to you did the right thing and helped create memories for your child and your friend's child and IMO this will always be worth it. Xx

Nowomenaroundeh · 30/03/2022 10:50

I would not be sarcastic, get my own back to teach them a lesson or fall out with them entirely.

What I would do is be honest. I'd send one private message.

"Hi, I've struggled with whether to send this or not but decided I need to be honest so this doesn't fester. I'm hurt and upset at what happened at the weekend. You accepted the invitation, DD was really looking forward to it and I myself went to a lot of trouble. She didn't understand why she had no friends there and the food, big cake, booze went to waste. You didn't tell me until late that you weren't coming then I spotted on social media that you were out someplace else."

And then leave it completely and see what they come back with. I have been let down by friends before and find being factual and honest is the way to go. Any who have given a genuine apology are still my friends. Another person is now my ex friend.

CounsellorTroi · 30/03/2022 11:04

I wouldn’t dream of just not turning up for something I’d accepted an invitation for. And I certainly wouldn’t then post on social media about whatever I’d been doing which I’d prioritised over the event l’d accepted an invitation for showing myself having a lovely time. When did people become so brazenly selfish and rude?

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