DD birthday disappointment

[rainbowsandclouds]

It was dd's 3rd bday on Saturday. Her actual birthday is this Wednesday but we decided to host a party few days before for Saturday instead as it's the weekend before the Easter holidays and the day before Mother's Day again ensuring peoples plan didn't overlap with dd's birthday. So I invited a few people (friends with kids similar age and a relative with kids similar age) and none turned up despite accepting the invites weeks before. In the end, it was DH, me and dd3 and my parents, brother and sil and the in-laws with sil.

I've arranged a lovely party as it's dds first party as the last two were in lockdown. So I arranged a two tier cake, balloons display and a lovely theme. I also brought loads of food for a bbq, alcohol and nibbles. Two friends said they were coming in the morning and didn't turn up and the relative sent a text message 3 hours after the stated time saying "sorry they can't come". We waited 5 hours for people to turn up and didn't put dd for a nap in case her friends turned up which left dd miserable all day as she was so tired. In the end I ordered take out, cut the cake at 6pm, cancelled the bbq and gave the bbq meat to mil and my mum as I have no space in my tiny freezer and also gave left over half each of a cake to our neighbours from the top tier as there were so much food and cake left over as 12 people didn't turn up.

Saturday night after clearing all the party mess I sat down to look on instagram and noticed one of the friends posted a story down the beach and the relative at a restaurant with their in laws. After viewing these stories both friend and relative text saying how sorry they were as the kids weren't feeling well and the relatives husband came down with a stomach bug which you could see him in the story as well having a jolly time.

I've been to all my friends and relatives birthdays and baby showers and this was the first time I organised such an event as the last two birthdays were in lockdown and I didn't have a baby shower as well.

Aibu to feel so hurt and betrayed and despite dd not having the comprehension yet on why her friends didn't turn up but what if it was her 4th or 5th birthday? I felt so sad for her on Saturday and just tried to imagine what if we didn't have family and it would just me, DH and dd.

How do I approach them from now on because from now on I will never invite them for anything. I don't throw mega events multiple times a year where people feel they must attend when they don't want to, but this was a first for both dd and us to host a party. Dd started nursery in January and next year I can organise something with her nursery friends as I have no problem in making friends and have already arranged a nursery party for her actual birthday on Wednesday with a cake and party bags for her nursery friends.

I don't know but I just needed a space to vent my disappointment. Thank you for reading. Btw, I'm a longtime poster and nc.

@MissedItByThisMuch

TBH, nobody is really going to pitch up for a party for a kid that young: the kid doesn't care and the adults have better things to do.

Then don’t accept the invitation! Are people really saying it’s ok to say you’ll come and then just not bother turning up if you get a better offer/the sun is shining/whatever??

That’s unbelievably rude and I am very glad I don’t have friends and relatives like you!

Totally agree!

What a shitty thing to do. Don’t accept the invite if you can’t be arsed to go.

They are arseholes, you are not being unreasonable

I would probably not had the guts myself but I wish you had called them out on it. And commented on their posts along the lines of 'oh and here we were expecting you at our daughters birthday party'! As for the nice day @Ionlydomassiveones how pathetic - you accept an invite you go - better weather is no excuse.
However, I wouldn't have invited adults to a child's party. I would have asked a few of her pals if she has any and if parents wanted to stay as the kids are young then a few refreshments. I don't think we asked more than the neighbours kids and a close friend who had kids the same age before school age.
I recently had my own birthday dinner and I knew as soon as I confirmed numbers at the restaurant people would start dropping out, they always do sometimes for pretty flimsy excuses. But at least they told me. Your 'friends' were rude and I'd not be so keen to engage with them, and I'd somehow mention their no show to let them know it was unacceptable.

@Ionlydomassiveones

It was a cracking weekend weather-wise - the first real nice day of the year - so perhaps people felt that they wanted to make the most of it and not be stuck at a child’s 3rd birthday party. I do understand your disappointment and I’m sorry if that sounds harsh but your little girl wouldn’t have known any different and you did have some close family there to see her.

You’re going to have to get used to the idea that ‘friends’ at this stage (other parents with kids of a similar age) are going to be flaky and unreliable as they each selfishly prioritise their own kids. I speak from experience. This party was a big deal to you but not to them. Rather than being bitter and sad, just build a bit of flexibility in future, expect people will inevitably let you down and feel blessed that you and your dd have a nice family that will turn up and celebrate with you. Enjoy it regardless of the flakes and fakes.

This attitude saddens me intensely. It seems to be the norm now to ‘accept’ invitations ‘unless something better turns up’. I find it shocking that people don’t honour their commitments.

It was a good way to sort the wheat from the chaff. Those who lied about where they were that day are not your friends.
Next year when she’s 4, to avoid disappointment I would either just do a family party or overdo the invites to children she knows. That way, if you get drop outs, you’ll still have enough takers. It will get easier over the years as she’ll invite children from her class.

It was a cracking weekend weather-wise - the first real nice day of the year - so perhaps people felt that they wanted to make the most of it and not be stuck at a child’s 3rd birthday party. I do understand your disappointment and I’m sorry if that sounds harsh but your little girl wouldn’t have known any different and you did have some close family there to see her.

you're one of those rude twats who doesn't tell people they're flaking out, aren't you?

OP let them know you know. And do the same to them

Saturday night after clearing all the party mess I sat down to look on instagram and noticed one of the friends posted a story down the beach and the relative at a restaurant with their in laws.

I’d comment after each one. “Oh, so glad child/husband got better so quickly.” And then I’d keep very quiet. As you say, I wouldn’t be going to their child’s party and I’d think a lot less of them for the lies. Yes, I understand as a pp said that people prioritise their own kids, but kids’ parties are usually huge fun for little ones. And it’s perfectly fine to say, at the time you receive an invitation, “Sorry - we can’t come that weekend as we’re doing something else.” To say you’ll come, not show up, lie about why not and then be stupid enough to advertise the lie on social media is bloody awful….

I agree with what some of the others have said. No point pretending with them and waiting for an invite to something to snap at them and say no. Its probably too late to post on their Instagram story but I would message and say you seen their stories on Instagram and you are a bit hurt. Then I'd just cut them off

I grew up with a lot of children in my family similar in age so went to a lot of parties. It was very rare a child wouldn't turn up to a party if they had accepted the invite. I was always told if you have committed to something you should go and it's not right to change your mind just because the weather is nice.

Wanky and selfish of them. I strongly suspect they realised the weather was so nice and decided to go out for the day to enjoy it instead. Not letting you know at least a few days in advance is a horrid thing to do, they would have known the weather was set to be nice a week in advance. At least then you wouldn’t have bought so much food and drink.

@RestingPandaFace

I’d leave a reply on their stories saying hope you had a lovely day, so that they know you know.

Then fizzle them out and don’t bother with them again.

I'd do this. They were rude to not bother to let you know they weren't coming

This attitude saddens me intensely. It seems to be the norm now to ‘accept’ invitations ‘unless something better turns up’. I find it shocking that people don’t honour their commitments.

And consequently their children are brought up to not care about commitment. These children accept invitations to sometimes expensive and limited parties and events, then don't go because if such stupid reasons "like the sun is shining", I don't feel like that today, I've got a better offer.

Let's hope these people are the people whose children get let down, see how it stings then!

Oh @rainbowsandclouds I’d be so upset if this happened having just had my girls 4th birthday party. Ignore all the selfish people on here trying to justify their behaviour. It’s really not ok!

If you need to have it out with them then do, if it were me I think I’d be taking a step back from the relationships for a while to be honest!

I'm really not getting this modern trend of letting your children decide whether to flake on a commitment. I thought an essential part of being a parent was trying to teach children how to be good people rather than just letting them do whatever they want.

@WhatNoRaisins

I'm really not getting this modern trend of letting your children decide whether to flake on a commitment. I thought an essential part of being a parent was trying to teach children how to be good people rather than just letting them do whatever they want.

Apparently not!

I mean if the sun is shining that's reason enough to just not attend.

@AffIt then you decline the invitation when invited
Its rude to just not turn up and you can always pop on for an hr if you don't want to be all day
Just reply we have plans but can make it for an hr if thats ok or such like
Rude to just not show up and stupid to lie and then post over instagram

This happened to me, invited all my child’s friends from school, several didn’t reply, others couldn’t make it, the two that replied didn’t come in the end. I was sad and embarrassed but I still have invited those kids to play dates and mine has attended their birthday parties because they just care about seeing their friends and playing. There’s nothing you can really do about it, don’t now stop your child seeing their friends.

Sounds like you planned a lovely party for your DD. You were let down by a bunch of idiots with absolutely no sense of what good manners are. I would be raging... you feel so angry when you feel that your children are let down. But given her age she won't know and I'm sure she had a fab time surrounded by family....

Fwiw i threw my daughter's party (5) several weeks ago... i invited the whole class, plenty came but some who had rsvpd didnt on the day. Manners seem to be in short supply these days.

@WhatNoRaisins

I'm really not getting this modern trend of letting your children decide whether to flake on a commitment. I thought an essential part of being a parent was trying to teach children how to be good people rather than just letting them do whatever they want.

Glad you have raised this point about children deciding where/who to meet. I don't remember my mother asking if we would like to go or not. It was put your shoes and coats on we are going!

Op they were rude feel for you. Its not nice. I would not include them in plans again. I find people flaky at times.

I always joke I blame Facebook for this problem. You would post events and the options to attend were yes/no and maybe.

Rude, not ok on any level. Backing out on the day because you got a better offer or the weather is nice is bad enough, not even both

Take 2, hit post accidentally.

That's so rude, not ok on any level. Backing out on the day because you got a better offer or the weather is nice is bad enough, not even bothering to text beforehand even worse. I don't get some of the posters, saying it's ok not to come because it's just a third birthday or the day was sunny or they got a better offer. Once you commit to something you do it unless your sick or have to work. I've been to lots of very similar parties for 3 year olds, at all of these the guests who RSVP yes came unless sick. The only thing a little OTT was the multi tiered cake.

I do feel for you because you put in some much effort and we’re let down by these ‘friends’ because they had a better offer.

I wouldn’t fall out with them but I would mention that you are disappointed in them and if they didn’t want to come then be honest and don’t let people down.

It sounds like you know the value of family and will make connections with nursery friends for future parties.

Some people can be very self absorbed and don’t realise they hurt peoples feelings.