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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD birthday disappointment

142 replies

rainbowsandclouds · 28/03/2022 22:42

It was dd's 3rd bday on Saturday. Her actual birthday is this Wednesday but we decided to host a party few days before for Saturday instead as it's the weekend before the Easter holidays and the day before Mother's Day again ensuring peoples plan didn't overlap with dd's birthday. So I invited a few people (friends with kids similar age and a relative with kids similar age) and none turned up despite accepting the invites weeks before. In the end, it was DH, me and dd3 and my parents, brother and sil and the in-laws with sil.

I've arranged a lovely party as it's dds first party as the last two were in lockdown. So I arranged a two tier cake, balloons display and a lovely theme. I also brought loads of food for a bbq, alcohol and nibbles. Two friends said they were coming in the morning and didn't turn up and the relative sent a text message 3 hours after the stated time saying "sorry they can't come". We waited 5 hours for people to turn up and didn't put dd for a nap in case her friends turned up which left dd miserable all day as she was so tired. In the end I ordered take out, cut the cake at 6pm, cancelled the bbq and gave the bbq meat to mil and my mum as I have no space in my tiny freezer and also gave left over half each of a cake to our neighbours from the top tier as there were so much food and cake left over as 12 people didn't turn up.

Saturday night after clearing all the party mess I sat down to look on instagram and noticed one of the friends posted a story down the beach and the relative at a restaurant with their in laws. After viewing these stories both friend and relative text saying how sorry they were as the kids weren't feeling well and the relatives husband came down with a stomach bug which you could see him in the story as well having a jolly time.

I've been to all my friends and relatives birthdays and baby showers and this was the first time I organised such an event as the last two birthdays were in lockdown and I didn't have a baby shower as well.

Aibu to feel so hurt and betrayed and despite dd not having the comprehension yet on why her friends didn't turn up but what if it was her 4th or 5th birthday? I felt so sad for her on Saturday and just tried to imagine what if we didn't have family and it would just me, DH and dd.

How do I approach them from now on because from now on I will never invite them for anything. I don't throw mega events multiple times a year where people feel they must attend when they don't want to, but this was a first for both dd and us to host a party. Dd started nursery in January and next year I can organise something with her nursery friends as I have no problem in making friends and have already arranged a nursery party for her actual birthday on Wednesday with a cake and party bags for her nursery friends.

I don't know but I just needed a space to vent my disappointment. Thank you for reading. Btw, I'm a longtime poster and nc.

OP posts:
13cap · 29/03/2022 12:33

I wouldn’t of said to them you had fun anyway ..I would be honest and tell them how upset you are and no one barely tuned up. That is just so nasty!!!! Poor you! I’ve also planned a party for my three year old hired a hall and bouncy castles I’m worried people won’t turn up as they don’t have loads of friends at this age. I would be fuming actually and wouldn’t be able to talk to them “friends” anymore

Original poster
rainbowsandclouds · 29/03/2022 12:35

To be honest I don't think it was a pointless party because this was the very first one we ever hosted since dd was born and dd is an only child. As mentioned upthread, I never had a baby shower and wasn't able to organise her first and second birthday due to lockdowns. These friends and the relative used to open up WhatsApp groups just for their events, where it made me mute it many times as I kept on receiving messages while at work. The friends and relative know my family and there isn't any conflict between anyone. My mum was mortified by the relative and truly embarrassed. With dd, the friends would FaceTime sometimes because either their dc want to see dd or the other way round. I honestly don't know what possessed them and I felt really sad for dd and if we didn't have family, then it would have been just me, DH and dd.

I won't fall out with them but things will be different from now on. I will meet them mid way for soft play and picnics but dd's birthdays would be exclusive to family and separate one for her nursery/school friends from now on. My brothers wife (sil) is pregnant and wants to arrange a baby shower in the summer and even she said she now knows who to avoid sending an invite to. I've never been flaky with anyone, I've either went ahead with most invites and with the remainder, have kindly declined with a good reason as soon as I received it knowing people would need numbers to be able to organise the events. Not once have I ever left anyone hanging for hours and not turning up at all.

OP posts:
Wellthisiscrapeh · 29/03/2022 12:39

That’s such shitty behaviour.

If they didn’t want to come, they shouldn’t have accepted the invite, and once they had already accepted, changing their minds to do something else is incredibly rude.

I hope your dd has a lovely little party with her nursery friends.

LittleGwyneth · 29/03/2022 12:44

Even if people think parties for a three year old are a waste of time (which I disagree with), why would they RSVP and then not turn up? That's just unforgivably rude.

Better luck next time OP, I really hope this doesn't put you off throwing a party next year.

incognitoforthisone · 29/03/2022 12:50

People are totally missing the point by sneering at having a party like that. There are million reasons to invite people round, and as your friends have kids of a similar age, a child's birthday is a totally valid one.

FWIW, I don't think your DD will be even remotely affected by this and when she looks back at photos it won't even occur to her that those people were invited and didn't come - so please don't worry about her. It's really you that's been hurt by this, and I can totally see why you're upset. It's beyond rude to accept an invitation, knowing that you were providing food and drink etc, and then to not turn up or change your mind on a whim at the last minute. Really crappy of them to behave like that.

RandomBasic · 29/03/2022 12:57

Put up a picture of everyone at the party, showing it was adult family only. "Thank you so much for making Jenny's party special!"

The rude fucks who no-showed will see they are the reason she had no kids to play with.

When they have a party, don't make up a story about 'plans with your mother'. Just say 'sorry, we can't make it'. If they ask why just say 'we have plans' [to sit at home in pants, watching Netflix]

Jannt86 · 29/03/2022 13:12

Unfortunately there's 2 types of people in the world, the people who actually put themselves out there, get off their backsides and organise social gatherings and others who are too lazy/indifferent. The latter category will never really understand the effort (financial and emptional) that goes into planning even small gatherings so think nothing of flaking out. They will then eventually get to the point where they stop being invited to things and moan that others are cliquey. We seem to have forgotten that any relationship is give and take.

AuntMargo · 29/03/2022 13:17

@AffIt

It's rubbish for you, yes, but I think you set your expectations far too high.

TBH, nobody is really going to pitch up for a party for a kid that young: the kid doesn't care and the adults have better things to do.

Scale it back for next year, do something nice and small with your wee one, and be kind to yourself.

Seriously, how can you find such seriously rude and selfish behaviour acceptable !!!
starray · 29/03/2022 13:20

Those friends were rude. Just rude. If they didn't want to come, then it's fine....they could've just said so. No problem. But to say they were coming on the day itself, and then not turn up.....no excuse.

WhatNoRaisins · 29/03/2022 13:26

I'm never sure if I really believe the competitive joyless posts, eg you can't expect people to turn up to a party, most people don't bother with friends parties etc.

Okbutnotgreat · 29/03/2022 13:35

It’s just rude and I would be in no hurry to do anything much with them in the future.

WhatIsThisPlease · 29/03/2022 13:42

TBH, nobody is really going to pitch up for a party for a kid that young: the kid doesn't care and the adults have better things to do.

The only positive thing from this post is to see that this kind of thought process is very much in the minority!

OP, your friends were rude, selfish (and very tactless for posting on SM). I would have been gutted in your shoes.

Runaway1 · 29/03/2022 13:53

It sounds like a lovely party and of course you were hurt. There’s no excuse for accepting, then no-showing and lying about it. Sounds like your family are lovely though :-).
Don’t worry about next year. When they’re at nursery there are more little friends you can invite. Once they’re 5 and in reception whole class parties are often the norm - then it’s about finding a hall big enough!

Mycatsgoldtooth · 29/03/2022 13:59

That’s so shitty OP. My three year old loves parties and completely understands the concept, he has ASD and generally is quite antisocial but he loves the cake/decorations.
You sound lovely, phase out these flakes Flowers

billy1966 · 29/03/2022 13:59

OP,

You sound so lovely and what lovely effort you went to.

I cannot believe the rudeness from your relative and friends.

This is NOT normal.

I realise MN is a parallel universe so much of the time, but this is simply appalling behaviour.

Never heard of it, because if it did happen to anyone I know, they would be absolutely furious.

Beyond rude and ignorant.

It would definitely affect how I view these people going forward.

I would NEVER put myself out for them again.

By all means refuse an invitation that doesn't suit you, but to simply not bother to turn up and go off and do something else?

Dreadfully rude.
Not normal behaviour, not by a long shot.

skodadoda · 29/03/2022 14:00

@transformandriseup

I grew up with a lot of children in my family similar in age so went to a lot of parties. It was very rare a child wouldn't turn up to a party if they had accepted the invite. I was always told if you have committed to something you should go and it's not right to change your mind just because the weather is nice.
Totally agree with this
ComeSailAway · 29/03/2022 14:05

In my experience most people (myself included) don't enjoy birthday parties and only attend out of obligation.

For that reason I don't have them myself!

It's my friend's 50th this year and I am already dreading it. The chit chat with people I rarely see, the forced smiles…

Goldbar · 29/03/2022 14:12

In my experience most people (myself included) don't enjoy birthday parties and only attend out of obligation.

It's an invite, not a summons though. Until you accept, at which point it becomes an obligation.

WiddlinDiddling · 29/03/2022 14:15

So are you going to call them out and let them know you know they're rude and have hugely inconvenienced you? Because I doubt they're going to realise unless you do!

FateHasRedesignedMost · 29/03/2022 14:17

Sadly I don’t think a 3-year-old’s birthday party features high on peoples priority list when it’s a lovely day and they want to spend time with their own relatives.

I’m also guessing they knew it was mostly a family occasion so may have felt awkward surrounded by your relatives.

It’s different when they’re in Reception as people want to meet other mums, and by year 1 most parties are drop and go.

It sounds like it was a lovely family gathering, I’d focus on that rather than the few extra guests who didn’t turn up. If you want kids to attend I’ve found it wise to invite twice as many as you expect at that age, as 3 year olds are prone to not wanting to go to parties/having random naps or tantrums/getting ill etc.

babyjellyfish · 29/03/2022 14:19

YANBU, I would be upset too.

HELLITHURT · 29/03/2022 14:24

@FateHasRedesignedMost

Sadly I don’t think a 3-year-old’s birthday party features high on peoples priority list when it’s a lovely day and they want to spend time with their own relatives.

I’m also guessing they knew it was mostly a family occasion so may have felt awkward surrounded by your relatives.

It’s different when they’re in Reception as people want to meet other mums, and by year 1 most parties are drop and go.

It sounds like it was a lovely family gathering, I’d focus on that rather than the few extra guests who didn’t turn up. If you want kids to attend I’ve found it wise to invite twice as many as you expect at that age, as 3 year olds are prone to not wanting to go to parties/having random naps or tantrums/getting ill etc.

Or get more reliable, genuine friends.
Ellie5341 · 29/03/2022 14:25

I'd be gutted.

Moving forward, evaluate your friendships and have 1 party for everyone to attend inviting nursery friends.

To be let down like that is awful.

WhatNoRaisins · 29/03/2022 14:30

OP how is your self esteem in general because you seem conditioned to accept really poor behaviour from these people?

FateHasRedesignedMost · 29/03/2022 14:30

Or get more reliable, genuine friends

I’m not sure I’d judge people on one failure to attend an event. They probably didn’t realise what a big deal it was to OP and thought it was more a family tea party in the garden.

3 year olds are notoriously difficult to take to parties; you have to get them dressed up, work around naps, watch them constantly in someone’s garden, often leave early if they tantrum or get too hot/tired/overstimulated.
If they’ve had a bad night or wake up with sniffles or in a bad mood, getting to a party can feel impossible.

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