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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be gobsmacked at friend

794 replies

searchingforsomethiing · 28/03/2022 15:08

I am part of a group of friends (there are 6 of us) we are all 40 and have known each other since school.

My closest friend in the group I’ve known since primary school. She’s struggled with money in the past due to various things and I’ve always helped her out. I’m in a reasonably high paid job and I’ve given her money and been explicit that a) I didn’t want it back and b) it was between us and not to say it our friends which she was always in agreement with.

Over the past couple of years I’ve given her probably in the region of £400 and done a lot of shopping for her as well get her kids good birthday and Christmas presents. Again there’s no expectation of this in return and I’m glad to help where I can. She’s on a more even keel these days so I haven’t helped in a little while.

Cut to Saturday night, and we were out for dinner with all the other girls. My friend had a bit to drink and announced to the table loudly and that I’d been giving her money because I thought she was a “charity case” and she knew I’d been telling them all privately what I’d been doing. She was really vitriolic about it. I was absolutely mortified and so were the others.

It was incredibly awkward and I excused myself from the table and when I returned it was exceptionally difficult to keep any conversation going because she was obviously unhappy.

I left the meal not long after. I’d given her a lift to the restaurant and she expected one home but I left without giving her the chance to join.

I don’t even know how I feel tbh. I don’t know what came over her and I feel like the friendship is over.

OP posts:
gospelsinger · 28/03/2022 20:42

Well yes, the friend was bang out of order too. Obviously. But I would have thought there are better ways to respond to this than demanding money back that was not a loan.

FinallyHere · 28/03/2022 20:42

@SunshineAndFizz

I wouldn't start texting by defending your position (ie explaining you've never told anyone). You have nothing to defend. I'd simply ask "why did you bring up money in front of everyone"? It's on her to give explanations here.

Find out what's going on. She's your oldest friend and something isn't right under the surface.

I agree with this.

It's a lot more difficult to give away money that anyone might imagine. It sadly so often goes wrong. I'm guessing that she has been feeling bad (guilt and shame is a powerful mixture) about it all and has projected those bad feelings into OP.

For the sake of your long friendship, I'd want to talk to her about it. I wound decide the friendship is over until we had had a chance to talk together. If you can both get over this, it would really be worthwhile.

But not if it happens again. Good luck

legalseagull · 28/03/2022 20:42

Well done OP you've handled this really well

I would have left the table too. Best to take a second to calm down before returning.

ScreamingBeans · 28/03/2022 20:51

I think you've lost the moral high ground by asking for the money back tbh.

Not that her behaviour is OK, it's terrible. But nothing short of sleeping with your DH justifies asking for it back, two wrongs don't make a right.

It does show that giving friends money is fraught with danger, would you have predicted this OP, were there any clues that she's the sort of person who would get resentful about being poorer than you?

Gonnagetgoing · 28/03/2022 20:51

Well you won’t see that money back regardless!

Pumpfive · 28/03/2022 20:52

Oh god YANBU. I hope she's embarrassed and replies.

whynotwhatknot · 28/03/2022 20:54

Shes an ungrateful twat and why shouldnt op ask for it back after that show

Santaslittlemelter · 28/03/2022 20:57

I just don’t agree with most of this thread. She was probably very grateful for your help but deep down suffering with the humiliation of needing it. People are not so black and white or as simplistic as you seem to expect OP. She is probably jealous of you. It’s not really either if your fault most likely. But the way you’ve reacted is very heavy handed for me. If it was any of my own much loved ping term friends and this had happened I’d have balked a bit at the table, said straight to her in from if everyone that I had never mentioned what she thought I had and asked her to leave off till she was sober enough to discuss privately what the was leading her to behave like this.

I’d be worried about my friend because something about it all is clearly eating away at her. And would probably suggest that any financial help in the future didn’t happen as it was not good for her impression of you.

This friendship can’t have been very good to begin with if you throw the head up and don’t care to understand why she is being so unfair here.

FinallyHere · 28/03/2022 20:58

When I have come up with a practical solution to do something to help her there and then she's come up with a reason not to do it.

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron

Have a look at 'transactional analysis' Eric Berne has lots of great material about the 'games people play' including 'yes, but' where people respond to sensible suggestions on how to improve a situation with 'yes, but....'

LBFseBrom · 28/03/2022 21:00

Regardless of how badly your friend behaved (& she did), you don't make a gift of money and then ask for it back.

I think it would have been better for you to leave it where it was. She may have come to you with an apology eventually, maybe not, but she would know very well that what she did was beyond the pale. She ruined what was a good and long friendship and no doubt spoiled things with your other mutual friends. She is the real loser in this. You'll get over your embarrassment but she is now an outsider.

What's done is done. You know you won't get any money back unless she has a windfall.

Just try and put it all behind you. Life goes on.

Original poster
searchingforsomethiing · 28/03/2022 21:01

That may be the case but she was very quick to accept hundreds of pounds, shopping etc and then to loudly tell people around a table that I thought she was a charity case and worse that I was a gossip and a liar for speaking about her behind her back - which did not happen.

I feel like I’ve learned a lot about her.

Still no response. Tbh I don’t need the money back but it’s one way to sort out her feeling like a charity case.

OP posts:
Blinky21 · 28/03/2022 21:01

You did the right thing, bin her off!

marypoppins2022 · 28/03/2022 21:02

F

Afrodizzyak · 28/03/2022 21:02

So sorry, what a bitter pill for you to swallow.
I don't know you, but you seem a good friend.

Santaslittlemelter · 28/03/2022 21:04

@searchingforsomethiing

That may be the case but she was very quick to accept hundreds of pounds, shopping etc and then to loudly tell people around a table that I thought she was a charity case and worse that I was a gossip and a liar for speaking about her behind her back - which did not happen.

I feel like I’ve learned a lot about her.

Still no response. Tbh I don’t need the money back but it’s one way to sort out her feeling like a charity case.

You do realise that you pretty much confirmed her fears by telling her to return the money.

What a mess. Two people with hot heads and self righteousness.

Anniefrenchfry · 28/03/2022 21:05

This friendship can’t have been very good to begin with if you throw the head up and don’t care to understand why she is being so unfair here.

In reflection I actually agree with this, if this was my friend I’d be wondering what had caused it, op has indeed been very heavy handed and escalated it, which would tell me that as both parties went for the jugular, there is much more to this.

If this was my friend I’d be all god no, what, are you ok etc. I’d not be sitting thinking “ I’m going to destroy her the witch” and then demanding my money back like that.

Two people with a good relationship don’t go after each other like this and rhe op did it sober and incredibly harshly.

Original poster
searchingforsomethiing · 28/03/2022 21:06

@Santaslittlemelter

Confirmed her unfounded fears? I’ve still not told anyone other than my husband about any money and I won’t tell any of our friends because I said I wouldn’t do that.

OP posts:
Original poster
searchingforsomethiing · 28/03/2022 21:08

I’d be interested to hear how people would react to being verbally attacked publicly for something you never did I.e gossip and tell lies.

It’s a real slur on your character, let me tell you.

OP posts:
Anniefrenchfry · 28/03/2022 21:09

@searchingforsomethiing

I’d be interested to hear how people would react to being verbally attacked publicly for something you never did I.e gossip and tell lies.

It’s a real slur on your character, let me tell you.

I think plenty have told you if you read the thread?
grapewines · 28/03/2022 21:09

Apparently you're supposed to just take it and ask if her mental health is OK, OP...

Original poster
searchingforsomethiing · 28/03/2022 21:10

@Anniefrenchfry

Ah just accept it then?

OP posts:
KosherDill · 28/03/2022 21:13

@searchingforsomethiing

That may be the case but she was very quick to accept hundreds of pounds, shopping etc and then to loudly tell people around a table that I thought she was a charity case and worse that I was a gossip and a liar for speaking about her behind her back - which did not happen.

I feel like I’ve learned a lot about her.

Still no response. Tbh I don’t need the money back but it’s one way to sort out her feeling like a charity case.

Exactly.

"Oh woe is me, Searching thinks I'm a charity case..." I could maybe stomach, if I learned she is under additional stress or something.

"Searching herself is a liar and a gossip and untrustworthy/disloyal..." no way Jose. I'm done.

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 28/03/2022 21:15

@searchingforsomethiing I think you did the right thing. Don't ask for the money back again though, you've made your point and it sounds like your "friend" would most likely find it difficult to pay you back anyway.

Back off from her now. Even if she apologises, your friendship will never be the same. Hopefully you can both be polite and friendly to each other when you're on a group night out with the others. Never give her money again. If you're friends for the next birthday then just get a card, no flashy present.

RoisinD · 28/03/2022 21:16

[quote searchingforsomethiing]@Anniefrenchfry

Ah just accept it then?[/quote]
You've been a great friend. Offered her help when you saw she needed it and asked for nothing in return. Her behaviour was appalling and nasty. You did not and should not accept it. You could never trust her again. Her loss.

KosherDill · 28/03/2022 21:17

@LBFseBrom

Regardless of how badly your friend behaved (& she did), you don't make a gift of money and then ask for it back.

I think it would have been better for you to leave it where it was. She may have come to you with an apology eventually, maybe not, but she would know very well that what she did was beyond the pale. She ruined what was a good and long friendship and no doubt spoiled things with your other mutual friends. She is the real loser in this. You'll get over your embarrassment but she is now an outsider.

What's done is done. You know you won't get any money back unless she has a windfall.

Just try and put it all behind you. Life goes on.

One could argue that the OP made a gift of money to someone who doesn't really exist -- a loyal friend who thinks well of her.

Instead she apparently handed over that money to someone else -- a disloyal, sloppy loser and user who at the first opportunity slagged off OP to a group of friends with completely untrue and unfounded slurs.

I wouldn't ask for the money back from the first person, but I definitely would want it back from the person in the second description. The gift was made and accepted under very false pretenses.

Friend's mental health is irrelevant. It's not a pass for treating kind people poorly.