To be gobsmacked at friend

[searchingforsomethiing]

I am part of a group of friends (there are 6 of us) we are all 40 and have known each other since school.

My closest friend in the group I’ve known since primary school. She’s struggled with money in the past due to various things and I’ve always helped her out. I’m in a reasonably high paid job and I’ve given her money and been explicit that a) I didn’t want it back and b) it was between us and not to say it our friends which she was always in agreement with.

Over the past couple of years I’ve given her probably in the region of £400 and done a lot of shopping for her as well get her kids good birthday and Christmas presents. Again there’s no expectation of this in return and I’m glad to help where I can. She’s on a more even keel these days so I haven’t helped in a little while.

Cut to Saturday night, and we were out for dinner with all the other girls. My friend had a bit to drink and announced to the table loudly and that I’d been giving her money because I thought she was a “charity case” and she knew I’d been telling them all privately what I’d been doing. She was really vitriolic about it. I was absolutely mortified and so were the others.

It was incredibly awkward and I excused myself from the table and when I returned it was exceptionally difficult to keep any conversation going because she was obviously unhappy.

I left the meal not long after. I’d given her a lift to the restaurant and she expected one home but I left without giving her the chance to join.

I don’t even know how I feel tbh. I don’t know what came over her and I feel like the friendship is over.

@something2say

Funnily enough, just such a story I'd in The 48 Laws of Power.

I cant paraphrase, but essentially people resent you for rescuing them. The act forces them to be beneath you even tho you're helping them, and inadvertently they feel worse. I've got covid so not done a good job with that, sorry!

I'd let her come to you next. And not pay for anything for her ever again.

Hope you feel better soon. Your post struck a chord with me. I don't want to hijack the thread, but a friend of mine has more problems than you can shake a stick at. She doesn't need financial help, but she's got anxiety, depression and all sorts of things going on.

When I have come up with a practical solution to do something to help her there and then she's come up with a reason not to do it. Something so simple it's stupid:

For example: she slept on the sofa for two nights because she washed the bedsheets and felt it too much trouble to make the bed. I said "come on, let's do it now" (I hate making the bed too, but I wouldn't sleep on the sofa!) she refused.

I hope the friendship group isn't too rocked by this and equilibrium is restored. And some posters have been rotten to the OP. I would love to see the answers they would come up with. What would they do in that situation?

@SummerHouse

I wouldn't have asked for it back. She may have acted badly but who knows what's going on. And given the current climate, it's quite possible she can't pay it back.

This ^ I would have maybe checked if she ok first before going in so heavily, if it was so out of character for her to act like this then I wonder if she overheard something or someone said something to her and she got her wired crossed and thought you all looked down oh her as the charity case and thought you were all laughing at her misfortune. I Think after your message all bridges have now been burned.

Having read all your responses, I think you are right to ask for the money back. If she is going to complain about being a "charity case" then paying the money back is the right thing for her to do.

I can't believe the MNers who are always quick to defend atrocious behaviour btw - there are no excuses.

Should OP be asking for Christmas and birthday presents back as well?

No, because that's not remotely the same. Ex friend doesn't want to be a charity case. So she pays the money back. Easy solution to her problem with OP.

She’s resentful of her situation and that has turned into jealousy against you. She saw you with your car, eating out and drinking, not having to worry about how to pay/split bill and the jealousy boiled over into a rant.

The fact she bit the hand that feeds also points towards terrible decision making which may be connected to why she’s constantly having to be bailed out by mates.

Stay away from her. This has been festering for some time. You’re handing your hard earned over to her whilst she’s all ‘who does she think she is, she thinks she’s better than me’ behind closed doors. Nasty attitude.

And the fact she believes you chatted her business shows that she’s the type who would do it. She can’t believe you didn’t because she wouldn’t have.

No, because that's not remotely the same. Ex friend doesn't want to be a charity case. So she pays the money back. Easy solution to her problem with OP.

But it IS remotely the same. OP GIFTED her friend the money. And she isn't an "ex" friend - OP's message suggests she wants to continue the friendship.

Friend was very obnoxious, made an idiot out of herself and I would not blame OP for wanting to end the friendship.

But to ask/demand the return of a gift you have assured someone you did not want repaid is a poor show, imo.

We'll have to agree to disagree. If someone told me they felt like a charity case, they clearly don't want the money.

Most probably the drink talking. Not sure i would cut your friendship dead though, she will know she did wrong, and she could apologise, and let all the others know too. It's not the crime of the century, even though she did blow things apart for you,

I'd call her and talk it through. It might be that she is grateful but it's been making her feel down and the booze brought it out of her.

Terrible behaviour but I wouldn't throw the friendship away without a good chat about it. She will hopefully apologise a lot.

Agree with Jackieweaver. She sounds angry and resentful at you, and yes, I’d imagine this has been brewing for ages. She’s shown you who she really is. The friendship and your help, is finished.

Do you think she’ll pay the money back?

That's how I read it @Thursa after rereading the ops posts just in case it was the way others read it.

I wouldn't have asked for it back. She may have acted badly but who knows what's going on. And given the current climate, it's quite possible she can't pay it back
@SummerHouse she should have thought about that before she tore the op to shreds.
She's fucked up her friendship with @searchingforsomethiing and most probably the rest of the group.

She's done this,no-one else.

@tiggergoesbounce

I am completely on my own here, but i would see this as a friend who was struggling with something or had something going on. I really couldn't drop a friend of 20+ years over one, drunken, outburst. Yes it was horrible and inaccurate but not something to end a friendship over.

I certainly wouldn't be asking for the money back of someone who struggles financially.

She made more of a fool of herself than out of you.

You’re not on your own at all, several of us have said this throughout the thread.

So the OP gave her friends hundreds of pounds in cash, with no expectation of payback, just to help her out. Plus she’d bought her shopping. She didn’t tell anyone about it, not even her own husband. And STILL some posters are criticising her... Is it a compulsion on some boards here, or what? must find fault with OP

If I’d been publicly humiliated like the OP had, by someone I cared about and had tried to help, then I’d have taken myself away for a breather. To reframe it as her ‘wandering off’ to justify having a pop at her is a stretch, surely to Christ.

You are a lovely person. This is complicated and you need to withdraw. From experience, when you give family/friends money they don't appreciate the generosity/sacrifice.

@Herejustforthisone

So the OP gave her friends hundreds of pounds in cash, with no expectation of payback, just to help her out. Plus she’d bought her shopping. She didn’t tell anyone about it, not even her own husband. And STILL some posters are criticising her... Is it a compulsion on some boards here, or what? must find fault with OP

If I’d been publicly humiliated like the OP had, by someone I cared about and had tried to help, then I’d have taken myself away for a breather. To reframe it as her ‘wandering off’ to justify having a pop at her is a stretch, surely to Christ.

Couldn’t agree more.

There are some truly angry / bitter / unhappy people on here, who couldn’t see something positive if it slapped them about the face.

It is bang out of order to give someone money with no expectation of it being paid back and then to ask for it back.

Glad you’ve sent that message. She’s a horror.

@gospelsinger

It is bang out of order to give someone money with no expectation of it being paid back and then to ask for it back.

The only person out of order is the friend for behaving like an ass towards a generous friend

@gospelsinger

It is bang out of order to give someone money with no expectation of it being paid back and then to ask for it back.

It’s ‘bang out of order’ to slag someone off in front of all their friends about something that is not true.

FFS.

Ah it’s mumsnet i did expect to be told I’m a total bitch for helping her out and then not taking her shit when she exploded at the table about my generosity and telling people about it.

I’m laughing at @Cocomarine insisting I wandered off. I have a vision of me wafting aimlessly through a restaurant rather than the truth if the matter that I excused myself and walked to the ladies room to use the loo and make sure I did not give her the truth in the form of a verbal dressing down over the table like she was so intent on doing to me. But if that suits your narrative on the situation then please continue.

Tbh I’ve sat down with my DH tonight and talked it through with him and he’s in agreement that it was incredibly rude and poor form to behave like that, drunk or not.

@gospelsinger

It is bang out of order to give someone money with no expectation of it being paid back and then to ask for it back.

Hi OP’s friend 👋

@searchingforsomethiing - Ignore the haters and give us an update when you can 😊