To be gobsmacked at friend

[searchingforsomethiing]

I am part of a group of friends (there are 6 of us) we are all 40 and have known each other since school.

My closest friend in the group I’ve known since primary school. She’s struggled with money in the past due to various things and I’ve always helped her out. I’m in a reasonably high paid job and I’ve given her money and been explicit that a) I didn’t want it back and b) it was between us and not to say it our friends which she was always in agreement with.

Over the past couple of years I’ve given her probably in the region of £400 and done a lot of shopping for her as well get her kids good birthday and Christmas presents. Again there’s no expectation of this in return and I’m glad to help where I can. She’s on a more even keel these days so I haven’t helped in a little while.

Cut to Saturday night, and we were out for dinner with all the other girls. My friend had a bit to drink and announced to the table loudly and that I’d been giving her money because I thought she was a “charity case” and she knew I’d been telling them all privately what I’d been doing. She was really vitriolic about it. I was absolutely mortified and so were the others.

It was incredibly awkward and I excused myself from the table and when I returned it was exceptionally difficult to keep any conversation going because she was obviously unhappy.

I left the meal not long after. I’d given her a lift to the restaurant and she expected one home but I left without giving her the chance to join.

I don’t even know how I feel tbh. I don’t know what came over her and I feel like the friendship is over.

Sorry! Missed your update. Well done.

You’ve done nothing wrong and I think sticking to your word about confidentiality when asked about it later is admirable.

No one can make anyone “feel like” anything: she’s responsible for her thoughts, for example “they’re all laughing at me because I’m a charity case” and I expect she has been ruminating over it all and is feeling some sort of shame for struggling which has meant that she has made all sorts of assumptions about others judging her or her being the source of conversation about her finances. It’s a construct in her own mind but if she spends enough time ruminating over it then it just takes a bit of alcohol for all her frustration and even envy of her rescuer to come tumbling out.

That’s not an excuse for her behaviour but I think she’s run with her assumptions and now probably realises or has been told that you’ve done nothing of the sort. She doesn’t sound very happy and sounds very stressed.

As she’s such an old friend I think I’d probably leave it for a day or so. I might in a few days time send an open ended question such as “Can you explain to me what happened on Saturday night as I am struggling to understand your comments and incorrect assumptions about me talking to others”. She can either explain herself or ignore it, either of which will tell you where you go next. I would give an old friend a chance to explain what’s going on or make some amends, even if the upshot is just enough repair to be able to be in each other’s vicinity so the whole group doesn’t fracture iyswim.

Sorry @searchingforsomethiing while I’ve been typing very very slowly you’ve updated about sending a message!

Does she have any mental illness as it sounds like massive paranoia.

I'm sorry this happened, when you've been so kind. And I really hope she apologises.

Your message to her was excellent. I've also given money to an old friend and would be beyond furious if she'd said something like this about me. You've handled it all very well.

That's a fair message! She's probably and rightly mortified! She should never bite the hand that feeds!

I’m really glad you sent such a blunt message. You’ve been such a good friend to her and she’s thrown it back in your face.

Remember @searchingforsomethiing she could, at any point in all the years you’ve helped her, said “No, thanks, honestly I don’t want/need this help”

I am completely on my own here, but i would see this as a friend who was struggling with something or had something going on.
I really couldn't drop a friend of 20+ years over one, drunken, outburst. Yes it was horrible and inaccurate but not something to end a friendship over.

I certainly wouldn't be asking for the money back of someone who struggles financially.

She made more of a fool of herself than out of you.

I wouldn't have asked for it back. She may have acted badly but who knows what's going on. And given the current climate, it's quite possible she can't pay it back.

@Anniefrenchfry

Had you been telling people? Clearly the issue here is she thinks you have.

Or more likely, the issue here is that the 'friend' had had too much to drink and let her mouth run away with itself. Why are people on here so often supportive of the one who's clearly done wrong? The OP can at least look forward to saving a lot of money in future.

I would have walked off too. I would have been both embarrassed and furious that she did that to you in front of friends. How ungrateful can one person be. You even gave her a lift to the restaurant! If she had such an issue with you why didn’t she speak to you in the car on the way there. She clearly wanted to catch you out and humiliate you in front of your friends but they obviously knew nothing about it all and now she’s just humiliated herself instead. She has somehow got the idea that you have in some way “wronged” her. But has handled it terribly. I would be dying of shame if I were her and I can’t believe she hasn’t apologised but she probably doesn’t have the balls for that.

Alcohol !

I'm not sure about all of your message actually. She already thinks you'd been talking to friends about giving her money. The fact that you have now asked for the money back will cement that thought in her head. She will think she was right - that you were moaning to friends that you'd "had" to give her a load of money and that she hadn't paid any of it back.

I think you perhaps should have said "I gave that to you as gift to a friend, without any expectation to pay it back. I still mean that, however hurtful (and factually incorrect) your outburst was. I'll leave it up to you whether you leave it as a gift or not. I don't renege on a deal and the deal was it was a gift but if you're really too uncomfortable accepting it as a gift as it makes you feel like a charity case, then by all means, pay it back when you can. It's been a sad experience for me and I certainly won't be helping any friends out in the future because of this."

@tiggergoesbounce

I am completely on my own here, but i would see this as a friend who was struggling with something or had something going on. I really couldn't drop a friend of 20+ years over one, drunken, outburst. Yes it was horrible and inaccurate but not something to end a friendship over.

I certainly wouldn't be asking for the money back of someone who struggles financially.

She made more of a fool of herself than out of you.

You are not on your own - I agree with you.

@searchingforsomethiing

I took the advice of various posters and sent her a message along the lines of

“Your outburst on Saturday night was humiliating for you and completely untrue. I hadn’t even told David* about any money I’d given you never mind the girls. I’m sorry you feel like a charity case. The best way to resolve this is to pay the money back to the following account. I’ve given you £400 in cash. In future, if you feel irate about something that plainly isn’t true, speak to me first to clarify before embarrassing yourself”

She read the message and hasn’t responded 🤷🏻‍♀️

I know it’s a harsh message but I’m honestly appalled she spoke to me like that and thought so low of me that I’d discuss her financial situation with others.

Each to their own, but that reads like the opposite of what I think I would have done.

Ie, I'd have written off the money AND also the friendship. You seem to want the money back and to maintain the friendship.

Or have I read that wrong?

@CurlyhairedAssassin

I'm not sure about all of your message actually. She already thinks you'd been talking to friends about giving her money. The fact that you have now asked for the money back will cement that thought in her head. She will think she was right - that you were moaning to friends that you'd "had" to give her a load of money and that she hadn't paid any of it back.

I think you perhaps should have said "I gave that to you as gift to a friend, without any expectation to pay it back. I still mean that, however hurtful (and factually incorrect) your outburst was. I'll leave it up to you whether you leave it as a gift or not. I don't renege on a deal and the deal was it was a gift but if you're really too uncomfortable accepting it as a gift as it makes you feel like a charity case, then by all means, pay it back when you can. It's been a sad experience for me and I certainly won't be helping any friends out in the future because of this."

Actually this on reflection is spot on.

I wouldn’t end the friendship either but I wouldn’t be making any moves to repair it right now. That’s on her.

I don't think your message was unreasonable, though also not the only way you could have gone.

I disagree with the idea that what comes out when you're drunk are your "true" feelings. Most people have complex and sometimes irrational and contradictory feelings about things that are big in their life. Most people realise some of their feelings aren't socially acceptable or aren't reasonable and suppress them. When you're drunk, the feelings you don't express so much are more likely to come out, they aren't necessarily your "true" ones.

I think it sounds like she sees her inability to be financially solvent as a failure. While she's probably grateful for your help, it may not have done her self-esteem much good and she's allowed that to sometimes make her paranoid that you see her the same way she sometimes sees herself. Being drunk, she didn't have the good sense or reason to keep her paranoia in check the way she does normally when she can appreciate that you act out of empathy not superiority.

@tiggergoesbounce

I am completely on my own here, but i would see this as a friend who was struggling with something or had something going on. I really couldn't drop a friend of 20+ years over one, drunken, outburst. Yes it was horrible and inaccurate but not something to end a friendship over.

I certainly wouldn't be asking for the money back of someone who struggles financially.

She made more of a fool of herself than out of you.

You’re not alone

The two of us are baffled at the idea of walking away from a 30 year close friendship over a hurtful drunken comment

I would have asked for the money back as well. Strong message. This issue is on her for how she behaved. You're simply reacting to that behaviour by not simply rolling over and taking it.

[quote searchingforsomethiing]@Cocomarine

At no point did I wander off I excused myself from the table before I destroyed her in a restaurant full of people for being an absolute witch.[/quote]
I think the OP means she left the table rather than destroy her, not that she walked away, came back and called her out.

Well, she's just blown her chance of ever being helped by you again, in any way. I wouldn't bother to contact her - it's up to her to apologise, both to you and to the others who were there. If no apology is forthcoming ditch her.

@grapewines

I would have asked for the money back as well. Strong message. This issue is on her for how she behaved. You're simply reacting to that behaviour by not simply rolling over and taking it.

She can react to the behaviour in a range of ways that doesn't involve asking for money back that she told friend at the time of giving was a gift, not a loan, and she didn't expect it to be repaid.

Should OP be asking for Christmas and birthday presents back as well?

Great message.
Don't take any notice of the posters having bitch at you. They just need the drama in their lives.