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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be gobsmacked at friend

794 replies

searchingforsomethiing · 28/03/2022 15:08

I am part of a group of friends (there are 6 of us) we are all 40 and have known each other since school.

My closest friend in the group I’ve known since primary school. She’s struggled with money in the past due to various things and I’ve always helped her out. I’m in a reasonably high paid job and I’ve given her money and been explicit that a) I didn’t want it back and b) it was between us and not to say it our friends which she was always in agreement with.

Over the past couple of years I’ve given her probably in the region of £400 and done a lot of shopping for her as well get her kids good birthday and Christmas presents. Again there’s no expectation of this in return and I’m glad to help where I can. She’s on a more even keel these days so I haven’t helped in a little while.

Cut to Saturday night, and we were out for dinner with all the other girls. My friend had a bit to drink and announced to the table loudly and that I’d been giving her money because I thought she was a “charity case” and she knew I’d been telling them all privately what I’d been doing. She was really vitriolic about it. I was absolutely mortified and so were the others.

It was incredibly awkward and I excused myself from the table and when I returned it was exceptionally difficult to keep any conversation going because she was obviously unhappy.

I left the meal not long after. I’d given her a lift to the restaurant and she expected one home but I left without giving her the chance to join.

I don’t even know how I feel tbh. I don’t know what came over her and I feel like the friendship is over.

OP posts:

Anniefrenchfry · 29/03/2022 22:52

[quote searchingforsomethiing]@MissAmbrosia

Yes of course I did she was given an option and all the details in case she thought that option was best to relieve her of the burden of feeling like a charity case.[/quote]
Oh cmon now op, that’s seriously disingenuous. If she wanted to not feel like a charity case she could habe paid you back any time. It’s not like she didn’t know how.

It doesn’t take you coming up with the magical idea. You did it out of spite and anger, at least own it and don’t try to pretend you were being altruistic.

And she didn’t say she felt like a charity case. She said you thought she was one.

thing47 · 29/03/2022 22:54

There's always two sides, then somewhere in the middle lies the truth

Arrant nonsense. Sometimes one side is just right and one side is plain wrong. We don't necessarily always know which, but that isn't the same as implying both sides are always equal.

CovidCath · 29/03/2022 22:57

OP I don’t think you did anything wrong at any stage and I feel sad for you that your kindness has backfired enormously. Is it possible that because this person is in a difficult financial situation that there may be other things that have been said and made her feel uncomfortable from a similar situation elsewhere. I’m suggesting she may have had support elsewhere but there was chat which has caused her embarrassment. She’s possibly lashed out at you in response to some indiscretion elsewhere. I’m absolutely not defending her but if you said nothing, then this didn’t come from you. End of. But it came from somewhere…..
How you manage this going forward is your call but I’d be reluctant to feed the mouth that bit me. Sadly, money creates way bigger problems than it solves!

VestaTilley · 29/03/2022 23:01

Wow, there’s gratitude for you!

I wouldn’t contact her again - let her apologise to you, and only accept it if she really means it, but even then I’d keep her at arms length afterwards.

Don’t make the first move, if you don’t hear from her I’d let her go.

MissAmbrosia · 29/03/2022 23:03

@thing47

There's always two sides, then somewhere in the middle lies the truth

Arrant nonsense. Sometimes one side is just right and one side is plain wrong. We don't necessarily always know which, but that isn't the same as implying both sides are always equal.

But we don't know the other side AT ALL. "My friend had a bit to drink and announced to the table loudly and that I’d been giving her money because I thought she was a “charity case” and she knew I’d been telling them all privately what I’d been doing. She was really vitriolic about it. " Then OP keeps repeating that friend accused her of being a gossip and a liar. Which is not quite what friend said at all according to OP. OP then cleared off without speaking to her about it. So someone said something to the friend to kick this off.

TheBigDilemma · 29/03/2022 23:29

Well.. if she really felt offended at seeing herself as a charity case, why did she keep accepting the money?

“Ungrateful” doesn’t cover it.

Jux · 29/03/2022 23:30

I doubt that 400 was the lot, just an amount recently subbed, but that's my interpretation of op's post. Even if it was the full amount of cash, so what? Many people do keep at least some sort of tab - tenuous to precise - on moneys spent where and how, it doesn't mean much beyond better money management and awareness than some people have.

I certainly doesn't mean that op was just waiting for a moment when she could grind her erstwhile friend's nose into the grindstone.

phoenixrosehere · 29/03/2022 23:30

And she didn’t say she felt like a charity case. She said you thought she was one.

No, she believed that OP thought she was one, and her “evidence” was because OP was “distant” despite OP keeping her in the loop with what was going on in her life which was quite a bit on top and a legitimate reason for not being able to meet up with this friend until this get together. Her own insecurities made her believe that OP thought she was a charity case which is not on OP or OP’s problem whatsoever. Her friend chose to believe that OP had broken her trust with no real evidence of the sort seemingly due to her own securities when OP hadn’t.

As others have pointed out, this friend could have paid the money back if she felt so insecure about it or spoke to OP about it in private, but no, she decided to let things fester, get drunk and go on about her issues with OP in a public restaurant, not only embarrassing OP but their friends as well which she obviously didn’t consider either and assumed that OP told them yet never asked or talked to them about it and OP still tried to maintain the secret despite it already pretty much being out and yet no apology has been given.

xmaswiththeinlaws · 29/03/2022 23:54

My neighbour, who I'd known only a few years but always got on well with (I thought), turned up on my doorstep and accused me of something I hadn't done, not accepting that I hadn't done it. I was livid and spent at least a week mortified that he thought I could do such a thing. If that had been a close friend who I had known for years, I would really be wondering how they could misjudge me so badly and I would struggle to ever speak to them again.
I don't think I've spoken more than a couple of words to the neighbour since, but they are going to get a shock when we move house and suddenly find that the bin fairy stops putting their bins out for them.

It appears that anonymous donations are the only safe option if you don't want to offend the recipient.

Jewel1968 · 30/03/2022 00:07

In my experience people who behave like your friend are deeply deeply unhappy and use that unhappiness to lash out at people rather than face whatever is causing them unhappiness. And it's usually those closest to them. It's terribly sad really but all you can do is protect yourself as you have done.

If she had apologised you might have forgiven her but her lackluster response to your text has meant your forgiveness is unlikely.

EthelTheAardvark · 30/03/2022 00:27

But we don't know the other side AT ALL

Don't we? We do know how the friend responded when challenged, which was to come up with the stuff about OP supposedly being distant. So, for what it's worth, that seems to have been the trigger, given that friend had had a very long time to put together her explanation.

amispeakingintongues · 30/03/2022 00:55

@Crabjuice

I think if this was my closest friend, I would be asking her if she is OK to be honest. Yes it probably felt embarrassing and like it was thrown back in your face, but I also think there is a reason she felt like this, maybe misunderstood something someone said which alluded to them knowing or an underlying deep humiliation that has sadly come out in this way because of drink.

I dont think you come out of this in a bad light (nor should you, you've been extremely generous/kind/confidential) however I would be worried if this was my friend and be drawing a line under it on this occasion, and speak to her directly to address why she brought this up. She's only embarrassed herself by acting like that, and I would want to understand why she brought it up.

This. Definitely check she’s okay. You look good in this situation, she looks silly.

Your friend doesn’t win from embarrassing herself.. she was either made paranoid about others knowing something, or feels deeply insecure / ashamed and so blurted out this ‘confession’.

TwoFriedEggs · 30/03/2022 00:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Fraaahnces · 30/03/2022 01:11

I’m wondering if alcohol isn’t simply the cause of her horrible behaviour, but the reason for her money issues as well. Maybe you have been accidentally enabling her, and her addiction is spiraling.

Marmite17 · 30/03/2022 01:55

Anxiety, lack of control, needed help to get by could have contributed to her outburst.
Having to claim benefits, use a food bank, is humiliating. As is accepting money from friends.
Many people now, through no fault of their own eg working full time, are struggling.
No excuse for her behaviour but could well be resentment/embarrassed that you her bailed her out. When she would love to have declined. Or even treated you to a meal.

Marmite17 · 30/03/2022 02:21

It's difficult to be with people who are financially much better off when you are struggling unless venue and activities are free or cheap.
Personally rarely go out for meals but live well cheaply.
OK re bills but way behind friends who can afford holidays, meals out etc regularly.
Zoom, go for walks, very low subs to amateur orchestras.
A meal out is often food shop for a week. Though in my situation can afford it occasionally.
Had some lunch meet ups with retired friends where we took turns to host and cook.
Also progressive Christmas meal. Ie starter, main, dessert, drinks. So cost is shared.

NurseBernard · 30/03/2022 02:53

Friend of 30 years and all over after a couple of texts - when everyone with a brain knows that these are easily misinterpreted.

‘All over after a couple of texts’….?

Don’t you mean ‘all over after a drunken, face-to-face outburst from the other party’…?

Totalwasteofpaper · 30/03/2022 03:00

I think you have handled this well / played it fairly straight

Her behaviour was frankly crap and all you have done is hold her accountable.
Fair play OP

Marmite17 · 30/03/2022 03:12

You knew that she was struggling financially and could have arranged a coffee morning at your house for a catch up with other friends invited.

Marmite17 · 30/03/2022 03:19

Planning expensive outings is excluding her

SquirrelG · 30/03/2022 03:57

No excuse for her behaviour but could well be resentment/embarrassed that you her bailed her out. When she would love to have declined.

Someone who was embarrassed would not have stood up and announced the fact that she had been helped out by OP to a group of friends. If she resented being bailed out she could have declined the offer of help. There is NO excuse for her behaviour.

LAMPS1 · 30/03/2022 04:03

I also think that too much alcohol might have been the cause of this. You said she ‘had a bit to drink’ but don’t specify how much.
Maybe if you had waited a bit longer before firing off your first message, the other girls could have reminded her what she had said, how badly it came across - and you would have then got the apology and explanation you wanted and deserved. Maybe you caught her on the back foot with that first message and she reacted with the pathetic excuse whilst scrambling around trying to get the details of how offensive she had been from the others. Then by the time she received your second message, the extent of your wrath defeated her and made her think there was no point excusing herself as any apology would only seem weak by now and make it worse.
It seems to me that almost everybody has had a tough time one way or another recently and lack of funds can be so wearing and knock confidence even more.
A sudden hit of alcohol can make people loose lipped and hey presto a feeling from deep down there that would never normally see the light of day suddenly rushes to the surface.
If it was so out of character, it’s sad for you all if this episode can’t be somehow put behind you.
You’ve said your bit very clearly, in no uncertain terms. Why not give her the benefit of the doubt and ask her how she is ….and if she wants to talk. She had your very efficient generosity before with cash and shopping but now maybe she needs a different, - slightly softer style of generosity.

Cocogreen · 30/03/2022 05:17

The friend was loud, drunk, vitriolic and making up stories. She embarrassed the people she was with and those around her.
I don't care if she was drunk, having a MH episode or anything else. She need to apologise to her friends because she's mucked up badly. Then you'll all ( maybe) be able to move on and continue to be friends.

NdefH81 · 30/03/2022 06:15

This group of friends of 30 years?

I would prefer to live a friendless existence rather than be in a group like this!

Billybagpuss · 30/03/2022 06:29

Was there any response to the second text?

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