To be gobsmacked at friend

[searchingforsomethiing]

I am part of a group of friends (there are 6 of us) we are all 40 and have known each other since school.

My closest friend in the group I’ve known since primary school. She’s struggled with money in the past due to various things and I’ve always helped her out. I’m in a reasonably high paid job and I’ve given her money and been explicit that a) I didn’t want it back and b) it was between us and not to say it our friends which she was always in agreement with.

Over the past couple of years I’ve given her probably in the region of £400 and done a lot of shopping for her as well get her kids good birthday and Christmas presents. Again there’s no expectation of this in return and I’m glad to help where I can. She’s on a more even keel these days so I haven’t helped in a little while.

Cut to Saturday night, and we were out for dinner with all the other girls. My friend had a bit to drink and announced to the table loudly and that I’d been giving her money because I thought she was a “charity case” and she knew I’d been telling them all privately what I’d been doing. She was really vitriolic about it. I was absolutely mortified and so were the others.

It was incredibly awkward and I excused myself from the table and when I returned it was exceptionally difficult to keep any conversation going because she was obviously unhappy.

I left the meal not long after. I’d given her a lift to the restaurant and she expected one home but I left without giving her the chance to join.

I don’t even know how I feel tbh. I don’t know what came over her and I feel like the friendship is over.

@Mitzi067

There are not many people in life that can be fully trusted. I had a 'good solid' friend for 30+ years. We had gone through so many troubled times in those years. She had divorced, broke up after 17 years with the man whom she gave up her marriage for and also gave up her 3 kids. We shared a lot of private history. She wanted me to meet her new elderly boyfriend and during a conversation, she decided to relay some personal info about me and my family, which was confidential, not dire stuff but it was private. I did not know this boyfriend of hers and said to her in front of him "I cannot believe you said that"! In that instance, I immediately felt she must have told others my private info and from that moment, I have never been in contact with her.

A friend of mine is having dubious contact with lots of men she has 'met' on Facebook. One is a known woman pesterer, one is a 'lumberjack from Canada' and the other is Nigerian. I ask you ... she told the first one about me, her best friend, and he asked if we would have lesbian encounter and film it for him. I went ballistic. I almost ended the friendship which is also of similar length to the OP but told her firmly never to discuss me with him again.

Her stupid 'relationships' are her own problem to resolve, but keep me out of them.

@Sisisimone

In this thread OP has spoken much about amounts of cash and nice presents and presents herself as such a generous benefactor but not one single concern about what made her friend of 30 years come out with all this "vitriol" on a nice night out. Not one single thought. It's all about OP and her generosity This is definitely what struck me when reading this thread. If a good friend of 30 years had acted completely out if character and basically had a meltdown in a restaurant I'd assume that something was deeply wrong not send an aggressive text asking for all my money to be repaid. Absolutely no thought whatsoever from the OP about why the friend would suddenly explode like this. I guess some people just have no people skills or don't value friendship beyond the superficial

Are you really piling in to tell someone whose close friend of 30 years just had an outburst at her in a way that was calculated to cause the maximum embarrassment and gossip, that she's lacking people skills and deep friendship? If OP really wanted to figure as the generous benefactor then she would have at minimum told her husband about years of buying kids' birthday presents and giving cash. If the friend had something burning on her mind she could have said it in the car while the OP drove her to the event. She did talk about gifts, of course she did, because that is central to the entire event. Doesn't mean she wasn't a good friend more generally.

@MissAmbrosia You and another poster keep saying this:

She then sent a pass agg text asking for her money back.

Except you’ve worded it out of context to what actually happened and are twisting the OP’s words.

The OP’s friend had an outburst where she accused the OP of seeing her as and making her feel like a charity case. Therefore the OP suggested that in order for her friend to not feel like a charity case, she could pay back the money she’d had off her. Charity case problem, solved.

The OP did not just randomly demand the money back, the way you make it sound. It was in direct response to her friends charity case accusation. Therefore it was not passive aggressive. It’s direct and blunt - assertive communication. Which is the exact opposite of being passive aggressive.

@Anniefrenchfry Yes, the 'friend' would have been dead to me from that moment on. I just cannot handle rejection, and that was a HUGE one. 30 years or 30 mins friendship, my reaction would have been the same. Awful for OP though. :-(

[quote searchingforsomethiing]@Anniefrenchfry

You may think that but I did what I could to help her and it was never mentioned outwith the times the money was given. No mentions of it outside shopping being handed in.

She probably does have a lot going on but then don’t we all and we somehow manage without besmirching someone’s character when they’ve done you a favour.

Like I said in a previous post, my DH and I were skint when we had our first child when I was 23 and we were given help. Never once did I throw it back at them[/quote]
Besmirching someone's character? Really? You sound like a drama Queen. I was with you at first, but the more you write, the more it's you who sounds like a dick, rather than your friend.

You said she had a few drinks so yes, it was a stupid comment to make but haven't we all said stupid things when we are drunk, we would be lying if we said we hadn't. Then you left the restaurant without giving her a lift, which she presumed you were going to. I think you have reacted way over the top but also very passive aggressively, as in making a big deal without actually saying anything.

Again, can't believe people think it's 'one of those things ' for adults to make this kind of scene, and then even more to think that their friends should have to sit by, and then give them a lift home.

Some people are their own worst enemy. I once offerred someone at work the use of one of our spare cars until hers was fixed.
She too said "I'm not a bloody charity case".
I learned and won't ever be nice to her again.

[quote worriedatthistime]@5128gap how did the OP behave badly ? [/quote]
I think, as does she, that her text was harsh. I think it was wrong for her to demand the return, as a lump sum, of £400 that she'd given to her friend a in bits and dabs over the period of a few years.

The money was given unconditionally. The OP, instead of taking her friend to one side and asking her what on earth had happened, left her at the restaurant and then sent a text saying "well you can give me the money back then if you feel like that" with a total that implied she had kept a tab. Sorry - it's 100% different to how I would treat of such long standing. She still has no idea why her friend did this, as she hasn't bothered to actually find out.

The OP didn't "demand" the money back at all, she said if the money was such a burden to her then perhaps she could give it back..

She gave a total and her bank details

The money was given unconditionally. The OP, instead of taking her friend to one side and asking her what on earth had happened, left her at the restaurant and then sent a text saying "well you can give me the money back then if you feel like that" with a total that implied she had kept a tab. Sorry - it's 100% different to how I would treat of such long standing. She still has no idea why her friend did this, as she hasn't bothered to actually find out.

So OP texting her friend and friend coming back with OP being “distant” as her reasoning and not apologising is OP not bothering. Ok. 🙄

Again, can't believe people think it's 'one of those things ' for adults to make this kind of scene, and then even more to think that their friends should have to sit by, and then give them a lift home.

Right. If OP had done that, majority of posters would have called her a doormat and asked where her dignity was.

Ha. Judging by some of these comments, anyone could be forgiven for thinking that the 'friend' was on here.

@Fernandina

Ha. Judging by some of these comments, anyone could be forgiven for thinking that the 'friend' was on here.

Yep, I think so too...

I wish the friend WAS on here as I would love to hear her side of the story. By all accounts, OP hadn't helped her out recently so something happened that triggered all this. Maybe an inadvertent comment in the car, or one of the others said something, or friend has something going on - but something did trigger it and the woman is now generally considered to be inherently grasping and evil and yet there is a huge amount of info missing. Fair enough if noone wants to hear that. Why do people not communicate properly anymore? Friend of 30 years and all over after a couple of texts - when everyone with a brain knows that these are easily misinterpreted. Anyhow, as I said early on and repeated, OP has presented this to make her look like mistreated Lady Bountiful and get everyone frothing. New or namechanged poster.

Some people know what it's like to have a lifelong friend, and know that friendship like that can, and should, weather the odd storm.

There is a difference between "the odd storm" and the behaviour of OP's so-called-friend. I notice this "friend" was happy enough to accept a lift to the dinner from the OP before unleashing this torrent of vitriol. I'm sorry, but I will say it again, some people set a very low bar when it comes to the behaviour from friends, and yet expect perfection from partners, in-laws, even in some cases parents/children. It baffles me.

then sent a text saying "well you can give me the money back then if you feel like that"

Which is not ‘demanding it back’ is it?

You’re twisting the OP’s words to fit the context that you are viewing things in.

@MissAmbrosia

Yes of course I did she was given an option and all the details in case she thought that option was best to relieve her of the burden of feeling like a charity case.

@SquirrelG

Some people know what it's like to have a lifelong friend, and know that friendship like that can, and should, weather the odd storm.

There is a difference between "the odd storm" and the behaviour of OP's so-called-friend. I notice this "friend" was happy enough to accept a lift to the dinner from the OP before unleashing this torrent of vitriol. I'm sorry, but I will say it again, some people set a very low bar when it comes to the behaviour from friends, and yet expect perfection from partners, in-laws, even in some cases parents/children. It baffles me.

Well I don't set a low bar for any of the people in my life, and nor do I expect perfection. I expect what I offer, a person who is sometimes great, sometimes flawed, and as long as the great stuff outweighs the flaws, we're good. Only the OP can decide if her friends good points balance out this incident. I can only relate it to my experience, and if any of the people decent enough for me to have kept in my life for 30 plus years had suddenly done this, I'd be wanting to understand why they'd behaved so out of character before I decided to cut them off completely.

Incidentally, one of the girls who was at the dinner messaged me tonight to say she’s still shocked at the way our friend behaved. She’s not heard of anything going on in the background. Again she asked what the situation was with the money and how much I’d been subbing her. I kept my mouth closed. She’s not heard anything from her which is unusual so perhaps she realises it was entirely out of line.
I do keep thinking about the anger in her that I was a gossip and a liar. I really wonder how it could be the case that she thinks that.

the others said something, or friend has something going on - but something did trigger it

Even if that was the case, that does not excuse her behaviour and neither does it make the OP wrong for dealing with it the way in which she has done.

If someone’s behaviour has deeply hurt you, then it’s quite understandable why a person would be less inclined to understand their behaviour and go straight to considering cutting that person off. It’s called self preservation.

You say several times that you think ‘there’s more to the story’. Maybe there is.

Maybe it’s that the OP has repeatedly had people take advantage of her in the past and this was the straw that broke the camels back. And that’s why she hasn’t done the softly softly approach that you would do and has gone straight to the not-taking-any-crap approach.

It’s easy to speculate, but it seems like your “more to the story” thought process, is only aimed at what’s going on with the friend and what possessed her to behave that way, with little thought around what else could’ve triggered the OP to respond the way she has.

Would I have dealt with it the same way as the OP? No. Because I’d have probably gone apeshit there and then at the dinner table to said friend. I’d be too hurt and angry to think about what triggered her outburst in that moment. That’s something that would come after I’d calmed down.

@MissAmbrosia

The money was given unconditionally. The OP, instead of taking her friend to one side and asking her what on earth had happened, left her at the restaurant and then sent a text saying "well you can give me the money back then if you feel like that" with a total that implied she had kept a tab. Sorry - it's 100% different to how I would treat of such long standing. She still has no idea why her friend did this, as she hasn't bothered to actually find out.

Not sure how unconditionally it's given when someone is keeping tabs on the amount. I think there's more to this story than the OP is letting on. I'd be really interested to hear the other side. There's always two sides, then somewhere in the middle lies the truth.

I'd be really interested to hear the other side. There's always two sides, then somewhere in the middle lies the truth.

Surely you could say that about any post on MN? You’re only ever going to get one side.

If we all stop responding and giving advice purely because we don’t have the side of the other person, in a situation that’s been posted about, MN would be a pretty deserted place

Why do people not communicate properly anymore? Friend of 30 years and all over after a couple of texts

Yet again, @MissAmbrosia, you miss out the facts that are a tad inconvenient when you want to slag off the OP. The reality is: Friend of 30 years and all over after a very public vitriolic attack on OP followed by a total lack of apology and an attempt to blame OP for it. And a couple of texts.