To be gobsmacked at friend

[searchingforsomethiing]

I am part of a group of friends (there are 6 of us) we are all 40 and have known each other since school.

My closest friend in the group I’ve known since primary school. She’s struggled with money in the past due to various things and I’ve always helped her out. I’m in a reasonably high paid job and I’ve given her money and been explicit that a) I didn’t want it back and b) it was between us and not to say it our friends which she was always in agreement with.

Over the past couple of years I’ve given her probably in the region of £400 and done a lot of shopping for her as well get her kids good birthday and Christmas presents. Again there’s no expectation of this in return and I’m glad to help where I can. She’s on a more even keel these days so I haven’t helped in a little while.

Cut to Saturday night, and we were out for dinner with all the other girls. My friend had a bit to drink and announced to the table loudly and that I’d been giving her money because I thought she was a “charity case” and she knew I’d been telling them all privately what I’d been doing. She was really vitriolic about it. I was absolutely mortified and so were the others.

It was incredibly awkward and I excused myself from the table and when I returned it was exceptionally difficult to keep any conversation going because she was obviously unhappy.

I left the meal not long after. I’d given her a lift to the restaurant and she expected one home but I left without giving her the chance to join.

I don’t even know how I feel tbh. I don’t know what came over her and I feel like the friendship is over.

I'm amazed at the amount of criticism the OP is getting on this thread. OP's (former) friend is a bitch, there is no other word to describe her. What she did when out with the group might just have been able to be excused had she contacted OP and apologised, but the fact that she hasn't apologised speaks volumes about her. I most certainly would have ditched her - I wouldn't care how long we had been friends. All I can say is some of you have pretty low standards.

Imagine if it had been a man who had done this. MN would have been full of vitriol towards him, and if it had been OP's partner every second thread would have said LTB. But of course, women can do no wrong whatsover.

I can't believe the pasting some posters are giving you on here.
You've done nothing wrong and were trying to be a good friend.
Her loss, frankly.

I don't really see how you can come back from that. Your kindness has clearly caused resentment to build up in her for some reason.

The fact that she dislikes herself for accepting money from you has come to the surface and now you know her true feelings.
Many friendships have a sell-by date; it's not as unusual as people imagine. Hold your head high and distance yourself.

You have behaved correctly.

A few years ago I was in real dire straits a very good friend bailed me out and filled my cupboards and fed me and my children more than once, she never ever mentioned it in return I helped her with her children who have special needs although nothing I could ever do will repay her kindness and although I don’t see her very much as she’s moved and our lives have changed - the minute she needs me, I’m there.

In this thread OP has spoken much about amounts of cash and nice presents and presents herself as such a generous benefactor but not one single concern about what made her friend of 30 years come out with all this "vitriol" on a nice night out. Not one single thought. It's all about OP and her generosity
This is definitely what struck me when reading this thread. If a good friend of 30 years had acted completely out if character and basically had a meltdown in a restaurant I'd assume that something was deeply wrong not send an aggressive text asking for all my money to be repaid. Absolutely no thought whatsoever from the OP about why the friend would suddenly explode like this. I guess some people just have no people skills or don't value friendship beyond the superficial

@monkeyoven

Wow, amazed at how quickly people write off a long-standing friendship. Take stock, decide if you want to talk it out with her, and be honest with how it made you feel.

Erm... the friend wrote off the long standing friendship. How can you not see that. The friend slagged off the Op in a public place. The friend did not contact the Op to apologize for her behaviour. When the Op contacted the friend, said friend replied by once again placing the blame on the Op for her own behaviour. Obviously remembered her drunken rant and defended it as being due to Op 'being distant' How can anyone defend this and place the blame on the Op for the friendship going south and say that she is responsible for fixing it??

Also I haven't seen anyone mention that the Op drove the friend to the get together (yet another kind act), so if the friend was so upset that evening why did she not take the time when the two of them were alone in the car to talk to the Op about her 'being distant'. Instead she chose to loudly berate and embarrass the Op in front of a restuarant full of people.

Interesting how unpleasant people always seem to have cheerleaders who support their abuse of others and continue to blame their victims for their crappy behaviour.

I'm just thinking so many of you here call some people "closest friend", "best friend" when they absolutely do not behave like one. My closest friend would not take money from me and easily accept she was not going to return it.

I'd leave it and let her do the talking.

OP: YANBU.

Your friend sounds like an utter arse, who is now feeling humiliation, albeit self inflicted. And that's her problem entirely. I wouldn't spend one ounce of emotional energy to rectify her distress under the circumstances. You know how your previous help has been >truly< received.

Not surprised you are upset I think I would be too, if she felt like that why did she accept everything you gave her ?
Maybe its worth messaging her and stating that you wish she had spoken up sooner had your generosity offended her and that you wouldn't be doing this again.
Have your friends mentioned it at all?

Don't let this change who you are. You are a lovely person but your so called friend isn't!

I don’t blame you at all for being angry and hurt. That’s appalling behaviour by any standards. Going to the loo was a good move as it de-escalated a volatile situation.

Your messages were clear and fair I think. How dare she accuse you of those things? And not to apologise shows you she meant it. Drink just gave her the courage to say what she’s been thinking. It’s unrecoverable I think.

@carefullycourageous

She read the message and hasn’t responded

She may be an arse or she may not know how to respond.

I think you've handled this really well TBH. I don't know that I could still be friends with someone who behaved so appallingly. Not just the behaviour that night but the fact she was happy to take money etc from you but then complain you treat her like a charity case.

You've dealt with this well.

No one has the right to attempt to humiliate and attack you publically and remain friends.

Whether they're having a hard time or have drunk too much, there are still consequences to actions which hurt people.

You may understand why they're being a dick, but it doesn't make being a dick something you should have to tolerate.

Your boundaries here are right: if I'm treated like this we are no longer friends.

The only way forward would have been a fulsome apology and regret. Which you didn't get.

Ignore all those claiming you have to endure shit as someone is drunk or depressed.
No you don't.
They have to address their situation.

OP - you couldn't have done anything differently.

You have nothing to apologise for and she should have said sorry to you. This happened to me with a family member. I gave him a job, paid him well, bought lunches etc to help him out of a tight spot. He slagged me off behind my back for treating him badly. I hadn't. I genuinely wanted to help, didn't feel the need to announce it to the world and was kind/respectful to him. To this day I don't understand - it's all down to perceptions. People genuinely perceive situations differently - even if they are wrong.

In your case it's difficult because of the group friendship dynamic, so I feel for you. Tough situation

Imo you handled the whole situation perfectly, you didn't flounce off you removed yourself from the situation, gave yourself a moment to gather your thoughts and didn't get into a slanging match, you pretty much maintained your dignity.
Your "D" F should have apologised profusely not made excuses.
Your messages to her were spot on, you stated your case firmly and left her in doubt how you feel.
Ignore other posters who say you were in the wrong, they're wrong and are trying to goad you, keyboard warriors at their worst🙄
Give your ex f a serious wide birth 💐 for you

I really like your responses op. I like How clear you are and how well you state your case.

I'm just thinking so many of you here call some people "closest friend", "best friend" when they absolutely do not behave like one. My closest friend would not take money from me and easily accept she was not going to return it.

Neither would mine. My best friend has borrowed money from me and I have told her she doesn’t need to pay me back. She still did because she doesn’t like borrowing money and not paying people back. I told her thank you and that was it. She has also told me when I have inadvertently hurt her feelings in private and vice versa and we have apologised because that’s what you do as friends. You don’t seeth quietly, get drunk, and embarrass a friend in a public with a drunk rant and then refuse to apologise and make excuses for your behaviour blaming that said friend.

@SquirrelG

I'm amazed at the amount of criticism the OP is getting on this thread. OP's (former) friend is a bitch, there is no other word to describe her. What she did when out with the group might just have been able to be excused had she contacted OP and apologised, but the fact that she hasn't apologised speaks volumes about her. I most certainly would have ditched her - I wouldn't care how long we had been friends. All I can say is some of you have pretty low standards.

Imagine if it had been a man who had done this. MN would have been full of vitriol towards him, and if it had been OP's partner every second thread would have said LTB. But of course, women can do no wrong whatsover.

Some of the people criticising the OP, myself included, think she behaved badly too. Some people criticising the OP, again myself included, think she is in danger of being egged on to dispose of something that may be very valuable. Some people know what it's like to have a lifelong friend, and know that friendship like that can, and should, weather the odd storm. Most people who are friends from childhood have decades of mutual support, care and love under their belts, and a good many rows too. They have a shared history that is unique and priceless, and often know more about each other than anyone else. They were there before the 'DHs' came along and are often there, picking up the pieces, after they've gone. The OP is a strong minded woman who clearly has low tolerance, so I find it hard to believe she's kept this woman in her life all these years and got nothing back. If she has, then fine, take the opportunity to end the friendship. But if like a lot of us with a friend of that vintage, its been two way, then she needs to balance that against her anger about this incident. No one's saying a woman can do no wrong, both of them have done wrong imo. But doing wrong of this relatively low magnitude can be moved past. Friends matter, and the OP should think what she's losing before she throws it away on the encouragement of a bunch of strangers who don't know the first thing about either of them and their history; and seemingly don't know a lot about friendship in some cases either.

Terrible situation. However I always wonder what kicked it off and why her mind went to that.. I assume there are some insecurities on her part. I don’t know why and I’m certainly not condoning her rant.

I don’t know where the friendship will go - I would wait for her to make the first move I think xx

I think her own feelings about being helped and fear that everyone knew has bubbled to the surface. She should contact YOU to apologise and offer an explanation fir what grounds she thought she had for accusing you. If she does not I would weigh up whether the relationship is worth it outside of this incident.

@5128gap how did the OP behave badly ?

Really this is about her feeling diminished by being poorer than you. Psychologically everyone prefers doing a favour rather than requiring a favour. I’m not saying this to excuse her, far from it but so you know you’re not in the wrong in anyway. Let her know that you kept her confidence and were a better friend than she deserved. Then close the door on this friendship and focus on friendships that are on a level footing

@GreenFingeredNell15

Your friend was very rude and unkind

However if she is a good close friend who has made one horrible mistake when drunk, I would not have reacted as you have

You were unkind back to her, you did not give her an opportunity to explain her awful outburst and you asked for the money back. Unbelievable imo 😳

Two wrongs do not make a right, as my mum always used to say

If only everyone in the world was as good and as pious as you.

To be honest I think you could have reacted better. You upped and excused yourself to the bathroom(bit dramatic), you didn't even respond ( seriously, there's worse that someone could say), I do t understand why u played it passive aggressively instead of being straight out and say "never thought you were charity case and never discuss money with anyone@. Simple, discussion ended.
You said she had a few drinks so yes, it was a stupid comment to make but haven't we all said stupid things when we are drunk, we would be lying if we said we hadn't. Then you left the restaurant without giving her a lift, which she presumed you were going to. I think you have reacted way over the top but also very passive aggressively, as in making a big deal without actually saying anything.
Are you seriously thinking of ending friendship from this, maybe you don't think much of her to begin with as that is a drastic step to take