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Original poster

To be gobsmacked at friend

794 replies

searchingforsomethiing · 28/03/2022 15:08

I am part of a group of friends (there are 6 of us) we are all 40 and have known each other since school.

My closest friend in the group I’ve known since primary school. She’s struggled with money in the past due to various things and I’ve always helped her out. I’m in a reasonably high paid job and I’ve given her money and been explicit that a) I didn’t want it back and b) it was between us and not to say it our friends which she was always in agreement with.

Over the past couple of years I’ve given her probably in the region of £400 and done a lot of shopping for her as well get her kids good birthday and Christmas presents. Again there’s no expectation of this in return and I’m glad to help where I can. She’s on a more even keel these days so I haven’t helped in a little while.

Cut to Saturday night, and we were out for dinner with all the other girls. My friend had a bit to drink and announced to the table loudly and that I’d been giving her money because I thought she was a “charity case” and she knew I’d been telling them all privately what I’d been doing. She was really vitriolic about it. I was absolutely mortified and so were the others.

It was incredibly awkward and I excused myself from the table and when I returned it was exceptionally difficult to keep any conversation going because she was obviously unhappy.

I left the meal not long after. I’d given her a lift to the restaurant and she expected one home but I left without giving her the chance to join.

I don’t even know how I feel tbh. I don’t know what came over her and I feel like the friendship is over.

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 29/03/2022 18:30

I was not drunk when I typed that, although it surely appears that I was!

EthelTheAardvark · 29/03/2022 18:30

I do think that as someone else said, this could have quite easily been something which OP could've spoken to her friend about quietly, maybe when her friend was sober, so the next day.

And maybe OP could reasonably have expected her friend to initiate that, given that the friend was solely responsible for the whole sorry episode anyway. Maybe also - given that there was still radio silence after two days,when friend had had more than enough time to sober up - it was pretty clear that a quiet discussion wasn't going to resolve anything?

EthelTheAardvark · 29/03/2022 18:36

Alhough to be pedantic, your comment that 'the best way to resolve this' was for her to repay you, was actually passive aggressive.

I read that as meaning that OP was saying this was the best way to resolve her friend's perception that she was seen as a charity object.

EthelTheAardvark · 29/03/2022 18:50

I think this is all a bit much you’re not in court, your mate got pissed and had a go, said you thought she was a charity case and had told your other mates about giving her money, you’d think she’d accused you of beating her granny and stealing her first born with this sort of statement

Yet again, those determined to attack OP are artistically omitting to mention perhaps the most important element of this episode, namely that the so-called friend made no effort to contact OP or apologise over two full days. And when she did make contact, she still didn't apologise (and still hasn't) but instead came up a pathetic excuse that attempted to put the blame on OP. That greatly magnifies the original poor behaviour, @Anniefrenchfry.

If friend had contacted OP as soon was she sobered up and apologised profusely - as I suspect most of us would do - I'm pretty sure that would have been the end of all this.

Anniefrenchfry · 29/03/2022 18:51

She would have been dead to me from the moment she opened her mouth. I would have just left & not spoken to anyone.

Your best friend? The person who had been your best friend from child hood. One drunken incident like this snd they’d have been dead to you forever and you’d have left without even speaking to you other friends?

It’s starting to feel like people are competing to say just how brutal they can be to someone. Sure they’d all have done what you’ve done op, sure they would.

phoenixrosehere · 29/03/2022 18:55

Slanderous claims’ it really isn’t that deep omg? You’re in a friendship group. Even after years of friendship you might feel like a friend may let someone else slip to another friend. In this case you didn’t, I don’t get why it’s such a big thing?

Did you even read all of OP’s post? Would you really be ok with a friend of 30 years, out of the blue, drunkenly yelling at you in a restaurant with shared friends about an agreed secret and then going on saying what you supposedly think about her and that you have broken her trust. Then afterwards, said friend not contacting you after two days, prompting you to do so and her reason for her drunk outburst was “you were being distant” when you two have been texting and you’ve told her that you had a lot going on in detail during those times and still hasn’t apologised?

Also, if said friend thought OP had really told someone she could have talked to OP PRIVATELY about it, not get drunk and air her grievances in public among friends.

TatianaBis · 29/03/2022 18:56

30 years of friendship or not, if you make loud unsubstantiated and frankly slanderous claims that I’m a gossip and a liar in public then refuse to apologise what am I to do?

Well you could approach it maturely rather than sending harsh knee-jerk ranty texts.

But it's your life and it's no skin off my nose what you choose to do. You asked for feedback - some posters thought you could have handled it better. That's all.

phoenixrosehere · 29/03/2022 19:00

But it's your life and it's no skin off my nose what you choose to do. You asked for feedback - some posters thought you could have handled it better. That's all.

And many thought she handled it well and she knows whether this friend is worth keeping better than any of us.

SpaghettiNotCourgetti · 29/03/2022 19:05

I love OP's responses. Too many people are pressured into accepting shit behaviour from people and not asserting their standards and boundaries. I say bloody good for you, OP, not putting up with bullshit like this.

MissAmbrosia · 29/03/2022 19:06

See if this was a more recent friend, I could maybe understand OP a bit better. But someone she knew for 30+ years? She made no attempt to speak to her about what was said. She left her in the restaurant when friend had been offered a lift home. She then sent a pass agg text asking for her money back. In this thread OP has spoken much about amounts of cash and nice presents and presents herself as such a generous benefactor but not one single concern about what made her friend of 30 years come out with all this "vitriol" on a nice night out. Not one single thought. It's all about OP and her generosity.

babywalker56 · 29/03/2022 19:07

@phoenixrosehere I obviously have read all the posts hence my continuous comments. It’s understandable the OP feeling a way but all these dramatic messages are doing way too much. I personally don’t see how it’s the end of the world but hey ho it isn’t my friendship now is it

EliyanahM · 29/03/2022 19:11

You know, that's a lot of money! You must be super good friends? I have had pennies in my bank account with two kids and used food banks, but never received any money from friends.

Amybelle88 · 29/03/2022 19:11

She’s an absolute dick.

She wasn’t so worried about you thinking she was a charity case when she was taking the money.

Her ‘apology’ is abysmal.

She’s obviously bothered that she’s had to take money from you and it’s put her on the back foot, but that’s her issue, not yours.

You’re a good friend and she’s pissed all over it.

I don’t think I could look at her the same again, which is a shame as for you to do that for her in the first place, you must have really cared about her and valued her friendship.

phoenixrosehere · 29/03/2022 19:14

I personally don’t see how it’s the end of the world but hey ho it isn’t my friendship now is it

I don’t think it is either, but it’s telling that this friend still hasn’t apologised. Some keep mentioning that they’ve been friends/best friends for 30 years, yet 30 years and one doesn’t know how to apologise after they have hurt and publicly embarrassed thos friend and even seemingly when given the chance, they make it as the friend’s fault for their outburst because said friend was “distant” so jumped to the conclusion of thinking that this friend of 30 years broke their trust? If they are such good friends, why couldn’t this friend talk to their friend about it? Either you have trust in a friendship or you don’t, especially one this long-standing.

monkeyoven · 29/03/2022 19:14

Wow, amazed at how quickly people write off a long-standing friendship. Take stock, decide if you want to talk it out with her, and be honest with how it made you feel.

MissAmbrosia · 29/03/2022 19:15

There is more to this. Definitely. That OP is leaving out. Sorry but there is. It's been presented for peak froth.

maybloss2 · 29/03/2022 19:16

Hi op, Myself and my then partner were lent/ given a large sum of money from some well off friends. My ( now ex) had a rubbish attitude to money and never offered to make an arrangement to pay it back,as the lender had said don’t worry about paying it back. This really embarrassed me and made it very difficult for me to maintain the friendship. I was mortified by the whole situation and it ruined the friendship, but no one ever said anything horrid about either party. I did eventually re mortgage my house and used some of that to pay the lender back.
I just want to say that it’s really very uncomfortable ( for some distressing) being recipients of others largesse. There’s a lot of shame attached to not being able to manage.
Your friend has been unable to maintain her self esteem and this has led to her lashing out. I don’t know whether the friendship is salvageable as you probably feel slapped for trying to help. But she should know how hurt you feel and that she’s being paranoid. As for your other friends if they need to know what’s going on tell them the truth!

EthelTheAardvark · 29/03/2022 19:18

@MissAmbrosia

There is more to this. Definitely. That OP is leaving out. Sorry but there is. It's been presented for peak froth.
So you've said at least three times. No need to keep repeating it, especially given that you are making zero effort to produce any evidence.
wentworthinmate · 29/03/2022 19:18

OP I haven't read all the comments but I have read yours and you are spot on in your messaging her. You said 100% the right thing. Well done. Move on and enjoy your other friends.

TatianaBis · 29/03/2022 19:20

@phoenixrosehere

But it's your life and it's no skin off my nose what you choose to do. You asked for feedback - some posters thought you could have handled it better. That's all.

And many thought she handled it well and she knows whether this friend is worth keeping better than any of us.

There are the rather unsophisticated posters whooping her along apparently wowed she managed to stand up for herself at all.

I never said anything about keeping her as a friend.

Gonnagetgoing · 29/03/2022 19:21

@MissAmbrosia - I agree with you there’s more to this.

But re people talking about long friendships ending over less or more. My situation (which I posted about here) we actually met up, friend was still furious with me and she decided on the basis of her meeting with me that I’d behaved badly by being outraged and hurt at her accusation. Not to mention that when she spoke to me about originally she rang me at my work! She didn’t work, was a SAHM then.

Long friendships can sometimes I think end on something seemingly not that serious and it’s what happens in and around that, so I think OP and her friend have some serious damage limitation to do if they want to salvage this but reading since that OP sees herself as assertive (didn’t mention this friend as it but mentioned other friends as being similar) her assertive can sometimes come across I think as brash, rude etc. I think her friend was appalling in getting drunk and bringing up the money but I’m sure there’s more to this than meets the eye.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 29/03/2022 19:26

@MissAmbrosia

See if this was a more recent friend, I could maybe understand OP a bit better. But someone she knew for 30+ years? She made no attempt to speak to her about what was said. She left her in the restaurant when friend had been offered a lift home. She then sent a pass agg text asking for her money back. In this thread OP has spoken much about amounts of cash and nice presents and presents herself as such a generous benefactor but not one single concern about what made her friend of 30 years come out with all this "vitriol" on a nice night out. Not one single thought. It's all about OP and her generosity.
You're reading something very different to me then.
Mitzi067 · 29/03/2022 19:35

There are not many people in life that can be fully trusted. I had a 'good solid' friend for 30+ years. We had gone through so many troubled times in those years. She had divorced, broke up after 17 years with the man whom she gave up her marriage for and also gave up her 3 kids. We shared a lot of private history. She wanted me to meet her new elderly boyfriend and during a conversation, she decided to relay some personal info about me and my family, which was confidential, not dire stuff but it was private. I did not know this boyfriend of hers and said to her in front of him "I cannot believe you said that"! In that instance, I immediately felt she must have told others my private info and from that moment, I have never been in contact with her.

TheChurchOfEli · 29/03/2022 19:35

There’s a lot of people who don’t know what passive aggressive is… is passive aggressive the need narcissist?

7393sallyC · 29/03/2022 19:46

I think this has been playing on her mind and this was a drunken outburst that she will regret. If I were you I would arrange to meet and talk it through. She was and maybe still is in a vulnerable situation with regard to finances and she may feel like a charity case even though you haven't made her feel like this. She was drunk and she probably feels so embarrassed and upset that she's jeopardises a good friendship. Don't lose a good friendship over this, please talk to her.