To be gobsmacked at friend

[searchingforsomethiing]

I am part of a group of friends (there are 6 of us) we are all 40 and have known each other since school.

My closest friend in the group I’ve known since primary school. She’s struggled with money in the past due to various things and I’ve always helped her out. I’m in a reasonably high paid job and I’ve given her money and been explicit that a) I didn’t want it back and b) it was between us and not to say it our friends which she was always in agreement with.

Over the past couple of years I’ve given her probably in the region of £400 and done a lot of shopping for her as well get her kids good birthday and Christmas presents. Again there’s no expectation of this in return and I’m glad to help where I can. She’s on a more even keel these days so I haven’t helped in a little while.

Cut to Saturday night, and we were out for dinner with all the other girls. My friend had a bit to drink and announced to the table loudly and that I’d been giving her money because I thought she was a “charity case” and she knew I’d been telling them all privately what I’d been doing. She was really vitriolic about it. I was absolutely mortified and so were the others.

It was incredibly awkward and I excused myself from the table and when I returned it was exceptionally difficult to keep any conversation going because she was obviously unhappy.

I left the meal not long after. I’d given her a lift to the restaurant and she expected one home but I left without giving her the chance to join.

I don’t even know how I feel tbh. I don’t know what came over her and I feel like the friendship is over.

So she thinks you think she’s a charity case but still willing to accept all the money etc you have given her, what a friend. What have the other members of the group commented?

People do stupid things when drunk. I don't think a friendship since primary school should end in this way. Talk to her and ask her why she said that and let her know that you've kept her confidentiality and you were hurt by her comments.

@searchingforsomethiing

Yeah they mumbled that they had no idea and it wasn’t their business. I upped and went to the bathroom at that point.

I messaged one after it and she said they were dying of embarrassment for her being so rude. She asked me if I had been giving her money and I just said it wasn’t my place to get into it. What I wanted to say was “yes I’ve given her a lot without expecting anything in return!”

Wow, even after that, you didn't say anything? You're a better person than me. She's probably mortified but it must have been playing on her mind. Regardless, totally out of order.

Ungrateful and very rude. She clearly didn’t think she was a charity when she wanted a handout. I’d have cried and run out to be honest and that would be that in regards to friendship.

Haven't read the whole thread, just the OPs posts. I think you sound like you've been a wonderful friend. You have every right to say what you have and to expect an unreserved apology. Anyone disagreeing would most probably do what your friend did to you. Sorry you have been hurt by someone who you trusted and cared for.

Your responses to your friend have been spot on. People like this need calling out on their unacceptable behaviour. Hopefully she is mortified by her own actions.

She was rude and wrong to bring it up like that. But there's a bit of the Queen Bee about your attitude which I can see might be very grating.

OP I’m 100% on your side in this. Multiple reasons:

I totally agree alcohol is not an excuse, don’t even try. If you can’t handle yourself or how you behave when you drink, then you stop drinking. Sorry but thats the hard truth.

She was incredibly rude and is trying to turn it back on you by her responses so far, she wants YOU to apologise for the “lack of physical contact” and accept that’s it’s your fault she was thinking that way. I saw some of my friends for the first time since Christmas this past weekend. I didn’t stand up in front of them and shout about how they must have been talking about me behind my back because we hadn’t seen each other, that’s insane. We are all adults with jobs and lives and families and other friends and we don’t live on the same estate anymore. Time goes by, it happens.

She’s clearly embarrassed by the money but also ungrateful and to me sounds rather entitled. You helped her in her time of need. If she no longer needed your help, she should have rounded the situation off herself “thank you so much for the food OP, things are actually improving so please don’t worry about us anymore but thank you so much for everything you have done”. But no, she took it all and is offering nothing back.

I think you did the right thing excusing yourself to collect yourself. I think a certain awards event this week has demonstrated the importance of remaining calm and collected.

But also well done for being harsh but firm and fair in your messages to her. Had she woken the next morning feeling like an idiot and come grovelling and seemed genuinely upset and mortified by what she has said, I would say there’s a chance you can rebuild. Clearly she’s shown she’s toxic, ungrateful, rude and a user. True colours on show. I would stay right back from her.

@EdithStourton

That would be friendship over as far as I'm concerned. Even if a grovelling apology was forthcoming, I'd never trust her again.

this

I think messaging her you did was completely reasonable.

What will you do if she doesn’t reply at all? Would you stay friends enough to go out with in the group?

And have your other friends spoken to you about what happened? Maybe if they told her you’d never divulged her financial situation she realise she’d made a big mistake and apologise?

‘No good deed goes unpunished’ my old nan used to say.
I once had a similar situation where I helped a friend out when she was hard up and I gave her some new baby clothes and paid for some stuff for her and she then later accused me of enjoying playing lady bountiful! I found that really hurtful: I hadn’t told anyone else either and she’d told me she was worried and needed things, so I’d thought I’d just help a little bit. The no good deed expression phrase came to mind then too!

Could be a mix of embarrassment and booze. I would have a talk with her. Then assess.

@searchingforsomethiing

Just in case you need to hear it. I 100% agree with all you have said and done OP.

It is sad that friendship won't continue after so many years of history but perhaps it was more beneficial to her than it was to you anyway.

'No good deed goes unpunished'.

And it hurts to be helped. She can't cope with feeling inferior to you.

Just let it lie for a bit.

I'd message her and says that youd never dream of discussing her personal finances with anyone and any help has been because you genuinely wanted to help when she was having a tough time. Tell her to repay what your given her as you've obviously misread the signals. I'd also tell her that as she obviously feels the relationship isn't built in integrity then it's time to call it a day.

Alhough to be pedantic, your comment that 'the best way to resolve this' was for her to repay you, was actually passive aggressive. It wasn't in any way a suggestion to resolve it, it was a reminder that just as you gave, you can take away if sufficiently displeased.

If you're going to be pedantic, at least define the terms properly. The request to repay wasn't passive-aggressive, it was assertive. The OP quite fairly told her (in different words) that if the money given to her made her feel like a charity case, she could give it back and thus resolve the uncomfortable feelings.

If the friend had come back and said, "Okay sorry, you're right, taking your money has been bothering me and I unfairly lashed out at you because of those feelings. I'll pay the money back so that it's not a 'thing' for me anymore... can we start fresh?" I expect the OP would have been mollified (though probably wouldn't have felt comfortable giving the friend money in the future).

You also say the OP can "take away the money if sufficiently displeased" but this is not the case. The OP has no immediate power to take the money back and has given no indication that she'll take legal action to retrieve the money.

The money is not the real issue for the OP. The friend made it an issue, when it wasn't. The OP's issue is the friend's lack of respect for their friendship bond. And the friend has made absolutely no move to try to repair the friendship bond that she broke (nor, it seems, indicated that she wants to give back the money that has made her so uncomfortable).

@ZoyaTheDestroyer

It's funny, isn't it. MN is usually all about helping OPs to set their boundaries and know their worth, but when an OP comes along who does precisely that she gets a load of criticism. Clearly there's a certain kind of MNer who prefers the spineless OPs so that they can shout at them and boss them around in the guise of 'support'.

100%

Going by some of the replies I'm convinced the drunk friend is on here posting..

I don;t agree with some of the other people here.... don't see your friend in a bad way, this has been troubling her, and as others have said, alcohol loosens the tongue

But you do need a sit down 1-2-1 chat with her, explain to her that you wanted to help, and that if she doesn't feel comfortable with that agree to play things differently in the future

Its possible she feels bad about her outburst now and she may want to apologise. Accept any apology gracefully but don't ask for one

But remember, youve done notheing wrong

30 years of friendship or not, if you make loud unsubstantiated and frankly slanderous claims that I’m a gossip and a liar in public then refuse to apologise what am I to do?

‘Slanderous claims’ it really isn’t that deep omg? You’re in a friendship group. Even after years of friendship you might feel like a friend may let someone else slip to another friend. In this case you didn’t, I don’t get why it’s such a big thing?

She would have been dead to me from the moment she opened her mouth. I would have just left & not spoken to anyone.

I wouldn't have contacted her about repaying either, a past (loaded) friend of mine did that when she fell out with me (her MH problems) and insisted I repay her for the week's shopping she'd kindly brought for me in her 4x4 when it had snowed heavily. Of COURSE I was going to bloody repay her, FFS!! It just seemed grubby, tbh. Cheque was sent straight away, I certainly didn't want to be beholden.

@ChrisInTheNorth

I don;t agree with some of the other people here.... don't see your friend in a bad way, this has been troubling her, and as others have said, alcohol loosens the tongue

But you do need a sit down 1-2-1 chat with her, explain to her that you wanted to help, and that if she doesn't feel comfortable with that agree to play things differently in the future

Its possible she feels bad about her outburst now and she may want to apologise. Accept any apology gracefully but don't ask for one

But remember, youve done notheing wrong

This is asking a lot of OP, who is feeling hurt and used. I think a lot of distance is the answer for now and focus on more rewarding friendships.

Wow, that's awful. I gave q friend a weeks salary q while ago qnd neither of us told our other friends, id be so shocked too in your situation. 😪

I would have just asked the others at the table: Have I been telling you about it, or is it just now you have first heard it? Besides, chances are that the others would have told her that at some point, so now she must be feeling like an idiot that she is. There is a saying, going something like NO GOOD DEED OF YOURS WILL GET UNPUNISHED". It does happen as some people feel inner hatred to those that know their weaknesses. Maybe when she finds out that others did not know she will apologize for her drunken rant.

OP you’ve done nothing wrong. I would have worded all your texts exactly as you have.

In few days time you’ll mourn the loss of friendship as it's been a long one and memories do hurt. I would work on those than defending your stance and attitude.
Take care x

OP, totally on your side too. You've dealt with this really well.

The 'being drunk' thing does not hold water. The done tbing when you've been an as when drunk is to apologise profusely, contact everyone incilved accepting full repsonsibility, and then do what you can to repair the friendship.

Because to be sure, it should not be OP who is making the effort here. It should be her 'friend'.

For me it would be done anyway. I don't go in for this 'thinking up excuses for bad behaviour'. I judge people by their actions. I suggest more people do the same, because excuses come cheap - and this friend still hasn't been able to come up with a decent one.