To be gobsmacked at friend

[searchingforsomethiing]

I am part of a group of friends (there are 6 of us) we are all 40 and have known each other since school.

My closest friend in the group I’ve known since primary school. She’s struggled with money in the past due to various things and I’ve always helped her out. I’m in a reasonably high paid job and I’ve given her money and been explicit that a) I didn’t want it back and b) it was between us and not to say it our friends which she was always in agreement with.

Over the past couple of years I’ve given her probably in the region of £400 and done a lot of shopping for her as well get her kids good birthday and Christmas presents. Again there’s no expectation of this in return and I’m glad to help where I can. She’s on a more even keel these days so I haven’t helped in a little while.

Cut to Saturday night, and we were out for dinner with all the other girls. My friend had a bit to drink and announced to the table loudly and that I’d been giving her money because I thought she was a “charity case” and she knew I’d been telling them all privately what I’d been doing. She was really vitriolic about it. I was absolutely mortified and so were the others.

It was incredibly awkward and I excused myself from the table and when I returned it was exceptionally difficult to keep any conversation going because she was obviously unhappy.

I left the meal not long after. I’d given her a lift to the restaurant and she expected one home but I left without giving her the chance to join.

I don’t even know how I feel tbh. I don’t know what came over her and I feel like the friendship is over.

Assertiveness would simply be telling her that her behaviour had angered and hurt you, and being clear what was expected in future. Or that there would be no future, depending on how strongly you felt.

OP did tell her that though. OP said that it hurt that her friend thought so little of her and that said friend’s excuse of “she felt they were distant” was poor because OP and friend had texted and said friend knew OP had a lot going on.

This friend still hasn’t apologised, yet some of you think OP should bend over backwards for her.

I’ve not read all the posts but sounds like she got drunk and made an idiot out of herself and in doing so embarrassed you.
She was accusing you of something than didn’t happen when you’ve only ever been supportive of her.
I think it’s totally reasonable for you to be upset about all of this and Like you, I wouldn’t be giving her anymore money.
Not seeing you for a few months doesn’t mean that you’ve told people about the money.
I think she’s got other things going on but that doesn’t excuse her behaviour.
You’ve said what you’ve needed to say to her.
Some might see it as harsh but she called you out whilst drunk. You’ve been private about it and she needed an honest opinion from you.
I’d just let the friendship go now and not bother replying to any of her messages.

don't believe you should have asked for the money back; you gave it to her, it seems wrong to change the terms and conditions so late in the day and you're unlikely to get it back

The friend changed the terms by stating she felt like a charity case.
Ops response was spot on!

I wouldn't send that last message even though you (especially because??) are angry. A dignified silence would be better. If she messages again, just calmly state that you need an apology first. I am sorry op, this must be messing with your heart so much

This really is about her:
-She obviously found it hard to accept the money you gave (despite your quiet non-judgemental generosity).
-Clearly, she FELT like the pitiful object of charity - and was embarrassed to be needy. (Again - this is not your doing. It is her feeling.)
-She was afraid of everyone knowing how poor she has been. It felt shameful to her. It sounds a miserable situation.

This came out when she was drunk.

She was so wrong to blame you for any of this - of course she was. She should have apologised - of course.
(Has she always tended to be a bit insecure - and yet proud- during the years of friendship or is it just this issue?)

I can see that she has hurt and angered you.
It really was all about her and her skewed perception though.

(Her words were not deserved!)

In the end though, you didn't come out badly - your friends know you didn't gossip to them and now they know what a good friend you have been to her.

@phoenixrosehere

Assertiveness would simply be telling her that her behaviour had angered and hurt you, and being clear what was expected in future. Or that there would be no future, depending on how strongly you felt.

OP did tell her that though. OP said that it hurt that her friend thought so little of her and that said friend’s excuse of “she felt they were distant” was poor because OP and friend had texted and said friend knew OP had a lot going on.

This friend still hasn’t apologised, yet some of you think OP should bend over backwards for her.

And if that's all she'd said that would have indeed been assertive. My post points out the part that strayed into passive aggression. I don't think its 'bending over backwards' to avoid suddenly telling someone to repay money that you had previously told them there was no need to repay, do you?

I don't think its 'bending over backwards' to avoid suddenly telling someone to repay money that you had previously told them there was no need to repay, do you?

And I see no reason to avoid saying that or it being passive-aggressive since her friend was the one who said herself while embarrassing OP that she felt like a charity case over it. OP is going off the words her friend said. It was the main factor of her issue hence to solve it OP suggested she give the money back then.

I think it’s interesting that OP’s friend is allowed an emotional outburst which should be forgiven, but OP seemingly isn’t?

Appalling behaviour, but sounds like it was just her voicing her own insecurities. I can’t even imagine how awkward that must have been for you, but you’ve certainly nothing to be ashamed of and I doubt that anyone at that table was judging you for helping out a friend or for protecting that friend’s dignity by keeping your generosity a secret. I’d maybe look into why she thought you’d been telling people (probably just her own self-hatred but maybe someone else in the group made an innocent comment that she misinterpreted). I wouldn’t judge her too harshly for being ashamed of struggling financially or for being an obnoxious drunk, and it seems tragic to bin a friendship that’s been going 30 years over something as boring as money, but if you can’t look at her the same way after her outburst then ultimately that’s on her.

At the end of the day the friend got drunk and flung accusations around.
She then didnt have the decency to say sorry.

You cant treat people like crap and not expect some kind of fallout.

All the friend had to do was say sorry and mean it.
@searchingforsomethiing
Was spot on with her answers.

Someone said the drunk girl will be showing the mutual friends the messages from OP...of i was a mutual friend and got shown those messages I'd be stepping well away from the drunk girl as all it shows is that she thinks she can turn people against OP or manipulate them into "standing up for her".

@ChiefWiggumsBoy

I think it’s interesting that OP’s friend is allowed an emotional outburst which should be forgiven, but OP seemingly isn’t?

It's rather the other way round.

And is it a question of what's 'allowed' (anything legal is allowed) or of the best way to handle the situation?

Not many posters have said friend should be forgiven.

You know what @searchingforsomethiing?

I think it’s very refreshing to read a thread where the OP stands up for themselves, addresses terrible behaviour, and stands their ground when the prick in question tries to justify it.

If more people didn’t allow themselves to be trampled over there wouldn’t be so many people utterly unable to advocate for themselves.

@ChiefWiggumsBoy

I think it’s interesting that OP’s friend is allowed an emotional outburst which should be forgiven, but OP seemingly isn’t?

Exactly. God forbid having boundaries and self-respect!

Wow! I would have been stunned too if a friend had done that out in public.
I wouldn't have known what to say at the time.
I probably would have excused myself to the toilet in shock and humiliation!

Has she form for being a mean drunk?

You're right, if I had mouthed off embarrassing men things when sloppy drunk, the first thing I would have done would apologise to you and the rest of the group! I would have been mortified and ashamed. Most people would!

Her doubling down about not seeing each other in a couple of months is bizarre too. No excuse at all for that.

Has she not done as well financially over the years like you and your DH have?

if you make loud unsubstantiated and frankly slanderous claims that I’m a gossip and a liar in public then refuse to apologise what am I to do?

I think this is all a bit much you’re not in court, your mate got pissed and had a go, said you thought she was a charity case and had told your other mates about giving her money, you’d think she’d accused you of beating her granny and stealing her first born with this sort of statement.

Your fury is palpable though and it does read like you absolutely hate her guts. Becayse you clearly do and there is more to it than the wonderful friendship that has went nuclear like this simply as she drunkenly said at dinner you thought she was a charity case and had told the others. Scorched earth doesn’t even describe how you’ve reacted, it’s an under statement.

Your fury is palpable though and it does read like you absolutely hate her guts.

We must be reading entirely different things here. She has every right to be angry but going as far as saying it reads that she hates her friend’s guts is ridiculous.

With such an outburst, the excuse made, and the lack of apology by this friend, I bet OP is taking into account this 30 year friendship to see if there was something that she missed or overlooked about her friend.

Who's the most dominant personality in this group, OP? Your posts read (to me) like it might be you, but tone can difficult to gauge in writing.

@searchingforsomethiing I hear your anger and disappointment and rage. I disagree with those saying to let it go - you've seen her now, and you can't unsee that.

I've had a moment when someone I truly thought was a true friend turned on me, and it shocked me to the core. I could not, after that, feel anything but that combination of hurt and horror that becomes rage.

I'm so sorry you are in this place, and hope that your other friends do not let you down through this.

@TatianaBis

Not many posters have said friend should be forgiven.

IMO that's irrelevant to the situation.

Just because you forgive someone for bad behaviour doesn't mean it pushes the reset button and you can carry on as before.

That’s an interesting question @Butchyrestingface

I’m an accountant and the other girls are in various professions; 2 teachers, lawyer, project manager in a bank and a nurse.

We’re all assertive in each other’s company (perhaps when you’ve known each other so long that’s what happens) and there is no one who’s particularly shy and retiring.

Sorry @Butchyrestingface I meant to add a bit about the professions - they all require us to be pretty confident and maybe not dominant but certainly forthright

She was a dick. If you behave like one then expect to be called out on it then maybe think twice about doing it again

I completely agree.

If I’m acting like a bitch I want someone to tell me so I can sort myself out, not go gossiping behind by back like a backstabber.

You’re true friends will want you to be honest with them and vice versa.
She was rude after you had done such a nice thing. She needs to apologise.

@searchingforsomethiing there's plenty of detail for the people involved to recognise themselves. I know you're annoyed but I think you should close the thread before it blows up any more.

I think your friend is suffering from low self esteem and paranoia potentially brought on by the years of financial issues. I'm not saying her behaviour is acceptable but maybe if you look at it from a different viewpoint it will help guide how you feal with this.