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Original poster

To be gobsmacked at friend

794 replies

searchingforsomethiing · 28/03/2022 15:08

I am part of a group of friends (there are 6 of us) we are all 40 and have known each other since school.

My closest friend in the group I’ve known since primary school. She’s struggled with money in the past due to various things and I’ve always helped her out. I’m in a reasonably high paid job and I’ve given her money and been explicit that a) I didn’t want it back and b) it was between us and not to say it our friends which she was always in agreement with.

Over the past couple of years I’ve given her probably in the region of £400 and done a lot of shopping for her as well get her kids good birthday and Christmas presents. Again there’s no expectation of this in return and I’m glad to help where I can. She’s on a more even keel these days so I haven’t helped in a little while.

Cut to Saturday night, and we were out for dinner with all the other girls. My friend had a bit to drink and announced to the table loudly and that I’d been giving her money because I thought she was a “charity case” and she knew I’d been telling them all privately what I’d been doing. She was really vitriolic about it. I was absolutely mortified and so were the others.

It was incredibly awkward and I excused myself from the table and when I returned it was exceptionally difficult to keep any conversation going because she was obviously unhappy.

I left the meal not long after. I’d given her a lift to the restaurant and she expected one home but I left without giving her the chance to join.

I don’t even know how I feel tbh. I don’t know what came over her and I feel like the friendship is over.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 29/03/2022 13:26

God it sounds harsh in the cold light of day

It really does

Enough4me · 29/03/2022 13:29

None of them were drunk the next day, the 'friend' should have apologised.

EthelTheAardvark · 29/03/2022 13:29

@Anniefrenchfry

You focussed mainly on your experiences and your emotions.

She also focuses rather heavily on the money which I’m surprised about. Asking for it back, then saying she doesn’t want it but not to ask for more, and in a way that it reads like the op thinks there’s a fair chance the woman is going to put her hand out again. The money is defintely a very big thing here.

The friend focussed on money. If she genuinely felt aggrieved about her feeling that OP was distancing herself, she could have focussed on that - and she could have apologised. Nothing wrong with OP narrowing issues in the same way.
AnnesBrokenSlate · 29/03/2022 13:29

Are certain social media posters more invested in prolonging dramas or in sabotaging female friendships and are there identifiable demographics in the posters who consistently perpetuate these damaging patterns . . .
There's an interesting thesis to be written on that topic. It's a pity MN wouldn't provide the anonymised data for a complete study.

LizzoBennett · 29/03/2022 13:31

Your friend needs to apologise. She was clearly in the wrong and you've given her plenty of time. I'd cut her loose.

I can understand how the money given may throw the friendship off balance and cause paranoia but that isn't OP's problem. Her friend could still have apologised the next day.

If it really bothered the friend then she could have said arranged to pay it back. I think that I would have to do this to maintain the friendship longterm but I'm quite proud.

YorkshireLass2012 · 29/03/2022 13:32

Well OP, I applaud your forthright, no nonsense approach to the situation.
I do hope however that you won’t regret being so very black and white about it when things cool down. After all, this lady has been a close friend of yours for most of your life. This is in no way a criticism of you or your response.

Inchail · 29/03/2022 13:33

You don't really sound very nice. £400 over several years isn't really that much but you're acting as though she should be eternally in your service.

If anyone messaged me about how much I'd "embarrassed myself" they wouldn't be getting an answer.

IncompleteSenten · 29/03/2022 13:35

You did the right thing. The world does not need any more doormats who let people treat them like shit.

Enough4me · 29/03/2022 13:35

@Inchail, do you think the 'friend' was right to take the money and support and throw it back at OP with lies in front of their mutual friends?

sixoclockalready · 29/03/2022 13:37

Well done for walking out and not causing a scene

That's the best thing you could have done as she looks even more like a dick than if you had started an argument

milkyaqua · 29/03/2022 13:39

God it sounds harsh in the cold light of day

I thought it sounded calm, clear, truthful, and direct.

RampantIvy · 29/03/2022 13:39

@Inchail

You don't really sound very nice. £400 over several years isn't really that much but you're acting as though she should be eternally in your service.

If anyone messaged me about how much I'd "embarrassed myself" they wouldn't be getting an answer.

I think the OP has behaved admirably.
Newestname002 · 29/03/2022 13:40

@searchingforsomethiing

God it sounds harsh in the cold light of day

I don't think so. It sets out the facts exactly and clarifies how unjust she's been and how hurt you must be. 🌹

ArtfulTodger · 29/03/2022 13:40

Blimey OP. You’re friend was pissed and out of order obviously but you really stuck the boot in.

ArtfulTodger · 29/03/2022 13:40

*your

bumblingbovine49 · 29/03/2022 13:40

@IncompleteSenten

I'd go with the far shorter you feel like a charity case? Here's by bank details. Give me my fucking money back.

Some of you are far nicer than I could ever be!

Lol. This is pretty much what I'd be tempted to do but then I do have a bit of a temper and would find this behaviour difficult not to get angry about . I think nowadays I probably wouldn't send this text and would try to salvage the friendship or alternatively keep a dignified silence . When. I was younger if definitely would have sent this message though Grin
EthelTheAardvark · 29/03/2022 13:41

@MissAmbrosia

She didn't even speak to her about it. The first thing I would have said is "what on earth has brought that on?" Not just leave her there/not give a lift home. I am far from being a doormat, but cannot understand why the OP didn't take the opportunity to actually have a conversation about it. Fine to say that she was extremely hurt by what was said etc.

Instead she left her at the restaurant and then sent a pass agg text asking for her cash back - with an exact amount which indicates (to me at least) that a tab was kept.

When the reply was "well you've been distant" - the friend could have been feeling guilty, thinking the OP didn't want to spend time with her any more because of the cash / the disparity in income. OP has pointed out how well off she is. One of the others might have said something. The OP could have said something that triggered this, without realising. But no-one seems at all interested in WHY it happened. Which is bizarre for a friend since Primary school.

What exactly do you imagine would have happened if OP had tried to have a reasonable conversation with her friend in the restaurant? If you think friend would have calmed down and stopped shouting her business to the world, you're living in fantasy land.

What you have artistically left out of your account is the fact that OP didn't contact her friend until two days later, during which time friend had ample time to contact OP and apologise - but she didn't. She could maybe have taken the time to explain why this happened, instead of coming up with an obviously bullshit excuse - but she didn't.

The friend knew perfectly well why she hadn't seen so much of OP, because she was in regular communication with her. It is just bizarre to decide that OP's daughter's injury, her MIL's serious illness and her job were all absolutely unimportant and irrelevant, but that OP had decided to withdraw only because of the money - especially given that it is some time since that issue even arose.

EthelTheAardvark · 29/03/2022 13:43

@AnnesBrokenSlate

By OP's own admission the friend was drunk and emotional. OP is neither of those things. I don't understand how people can be friends for 20+ years and not have an open, honest conversation. Filtering communication through the internet and text messages isn't a sign of a long friendship. It's very dysfunctional.
Presumably friend hasn't been drunk and emotional over the period since Saturday night. Does she have no responsibility for trying to repair this?
Anniefrenchfry · 29/03/2022 13:44

I believed OP in her first post when she said money wasn’t an issue to her. But subsequent posts make clear that money is a very big issue to her in a way that’s not very attractive

I agree. If money wasn’t an issue both texts would have focused solely on behaviour, and reaction, instead a large part of them is asking for the exact amount back, passing a bank account detail on then saying she doesn’t want it back but not to come to her for more financial support. Who keeps tabs over what’s been given as a gift and can have the sum ready immediately? I certainly couldn’t.

And it’s not a big amount as a gift over a number of years, far from it, thr op is at pains to explain to us they are wealthy, from job success to inheritance, but she’s kept a very close eye on exactly how much she’s given this woman over thr years and doesn’t even need to remind herself and was straight in there asking for it back.

SpringLobelia · 29/03/2022 13:44

I wonder if the reason why the OP got a non apology was the 'friend' was so pissed she actually cannot recall what she said.

No excuse though obviously.

GatoradeMeBitch · 29/03/2022 13:45

Woman who are attacked on their character through lies and gossip do not have to maintain high ground, nor do they have "to be kind"

This, God!

A friend she had done so much for viciously ripped into her - for helping her - in front of mutual friends and she's supposed to say "Oh well she must have felt embarrassed, never mind..." No, that was irredeemable. Even at the restaurant OP was still trying to keep her friends confidence. I'm glad she got angry about it.

£400 over several years isn't really that much

Maybe not to you. OP said back in the thread that she'd even given her friend money when she and her DH were broke. That is a really kind friend. And she threw it away because she wanted to get pissed and mouth off because OP hadn't been at her beck and call lately.

Anniefrenchfry · 29/03/2022 13:48

@GatoradeMeBitch

Woman who are attacked on their character through lies and gossip do not have to maintain high ground, nor do they have "to be kind"

This, God!

A friend she had done so much for viciously ripped into her - for helping her - in front of mutual friends and she's supposed to say "Oh well she must have felt embarrassed, never mind..." No, that was irredeemable. Even at the restaurant OP was still trying to keep her friends confidence. I'm glad she got angry about it.

£400 over several years isn't really that much

Maybe not to you. OP said back in the thread that she'd even given her friend money when she and her DH were broke. That is a really kind friend. And she threw it away because she wanted to get pissed and mouth off because OP hadn't been at her beck and call lately.

Not one poster said she should say that. Not one. And she didn’t give her money when she was skint, she said she’d given her money becayse she’d once been skint and knew what it was like.
girlmom21 · 29/03/2022 13:49

£400 over several years isn't really that much but you're acting as though she should be eternally in your service.

No she's acting as though she expects the same level of courtesy and respect as she's shown her friend.

HotSauceCommittee · 29/03/2022 13:50

I hope you are ok, OP, but I expect you are heartbroken.
You friend has really hurt you. Go easy on yourself and don't take any criticism here to heart x

Enough4me · 29/03/2022 13:51

I would know the amount if it were me as this wasn't the normal gifts I'd exchange with a friend like a bunch of flowers, or a gift set, or money passed to DCs for daytips etc. it was money given by one friend to another in a more unusual situation. I would know as I would be feeling concerned that my friend didn't have money and be wondering if she was entitled to access other help. This wouldn't be giving to a charity as the OP would know the friend and want her to be ok. It would be a slap in the face to have her come back and lie. I'd feel really hurt if I was the OP.