Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be gobsmacked at friend

794 replies

searchingforsomethiing · 28/03/2022 15:08

I am part of a group of friends (there are 6 of us) we are all 40 and have known each other since school.

My closest friend in the group I’ve known since primary school. She’s struggled with money in the past due to various things and I’ve always helped her out. I’m in a reasonably high paid job and I’ve given her money and been explicit that a) I didn’t want it back and b) it was between us and not to say it our friends which she was always in agreement with.

Over the past couple of years I’ve given her probably in the region of £400 and done a lot of shopping for her as well get her kids good birthday and Christmas presents. Again there’s no expectation of this in return and I’m glad to help where I can. She’s on a more even keel these days so I haven’t helped in a little while.

Cut to Saturday night, and we were out for dinner with all the other girls. My friend had a bit to drink and announced to the table loudly and that I’d been giving her money because I thought she was a “charity case” and she knew I’d been telling them all privately what I’d been doing. She was really vitriolic about it. I was absolutely mortified and so were the others.

It was incredibly awkward and I excused myself from the table and when I returned it was exceptionally difficult to keep any conversation going because she was obviously unhappy.

I left the meal not long after. I’d given her a lift to the restaurant and she expected one home but I left without giving her the chance to join.

I don’t even know how I feel tbh. I don’t know what came over her and I feel like the friendship is over.

OP posts:
LizzieW1969 · 29/03/2022 11:04

@UnsuitableHat

She was in the wrong but it’s definitely a lesson not to give money to friends. As a PP says it can breed inequality and resentment. The most concerning thing for me wouldn’t be the drunken outburst but the fact that she was vitriolic - did it feel like the lid being taken off something? Ball in her court now I guess, and up to you whether you feel comfortable to go on.
I agree with this. It sounds as she’s had resentment building up against you for some time and it finally revealed itself through drink.

I made the mistake of lending my ex best friend a sum of money years ago when she was in a hole, and the friendship didn’t last long after that. (I never got the money back either but that’s another story.(

Anniefrenchfry · 29/03/2022 11:06

You focussed mainly on your experiences and your emotions.

She also focuses rather heavily on the money which I’m surprised about. Asking for it back, then saying she doesn’t want it but not to ask for more, and in a way that it reads like the op thinks there’s a fair chance the woman is going to put her hand out again. The money is defintely a very big thing here.

LookItsMeAgain · 29/03/2022 11:10

@TatianaBis

I think it’s a shame that OP didn’t retain the moral high ground. She was most definitely wronged and everyone at the table knew the friend was talking bollocks.

Following it up with an arsehole text just makes it look as if there was more going on behind the scenes than it appeared.

The friend was rude and ungrateful and made a very public display of this. How was the OP losing the moral high ground by calling this ungrateful so-and-so out on their behaviour? I think that the OP has been perfectly within their rights to say that
  • no apology was forthcoming from the 'friend'
  • she was deeply hurt by the 'friend' saying what they said and doing what they did
  • she will not be looking for the money back but she also will not be available to come to the aid of said 'friend' financially in the future as a consequence of the actions of the 'friend'.
Where was the moral high ground lost in saying that?
Sagared · 29/03/2022 11:16

Yes I agree with this 100%
As I mentioned, maybe this would all be different if her last reply was an apology. In that case I'd ask for details on why she felt this way etc

But she hasn't apologised so I would react in the same way as OP.

Sagared · 29/03/2022 11:17

Sorry last post was in reply to @LookItsMeAgain

leavingtime · 29/03/2022 11:18

I'm with the OP on this. No excuse for this behaviour. If it was the alcohol [the borrower doesn't cite this anyway] then the woman has a problem.

I wouldn't have sent such detailed, long messages [but kept it more brief] to her but accept why it was done. Now the thing to do is have no further engagement, keep silent and dignified by walking away and letting go of the 'friendship'.

I did one massive favour costing me time, money and stress for a friend once. We are still friends but she can't forget it, she feels intimidated still, it's the elephant in the room and a subject neither of us ever want to bring up. I wish I hadn't done it now. But she was in trouble and I had the means to help. I'd not do it again.

CrotchetyQuaver · 29/03/2022 11:20

I think you've said exactly the right things in your messages. It's a salutary tale for the rest of us to learn from if ever we felt like helping out a friend.
She'd be no friend of mine from now on...

leavingtime · 29/03/2022 11:21

Oh, and people who never apologise?
NO! It speaks volumes about their character and I give them the widest berth. These are people to really avoid, believe me.

WomblingWilma · 29/03/2022 11:23

I’d tell her if it has upset her so much, you’re quite happy for her to pay the money back and you’ll tell everyone she’s done so now they all know about it due to her outburst. Then have nothing more to do with her.

Something has obviously triggered her jealousy and resentment that you’ve done well for yourself and are so kind. That’s her problem not yours.

Gonnagetgoing · 29/03/2022 11:25

Another thing - people often say the truth when they're drunk. So it looks like the friend is definitely speaking the truth!

RoyalCorgi · 29/03/2022 11:29

People who are on the receiving end of a friend's charity are often massively resentful of it because it highlights how unequal the relationship is. The truth is, no one wants to be a charity case. The OP's friend is probably very angry that the OP earns a lot more money than she does.

This isn't fair - and the OP has obviously been acting out of kindness and generosity - but that's how it often is, unfortunately.

MissAmbrosia · 29/03/2022 11:32

I would love to hear OPs friends version of accounts. I still believe that something happened or was said that kicked this off.

whynotwhatknot · 29/03/2022 11:35

All the friend had to do was apologise instead she made up some crap excuse about being distant

i dont see my friends for months but we message all the time-its a made up reason because shes fucked up

whynotwhatknot · 29/03/2022 11:37

@MissAmbrosia

I would love to hear OPs friends version of accounts. I still believe that something happened or was said that kicked this off.
Shes obviously miscontrued someone elses comment at the table maybe how you been or whats going on youve been a bit skint latly and assumed the op must have said somethng

but she hasnt come out with that has she shes just blamed op for being distant

Momijin · 29/03/2022 11:37

Bloody hell, what an ungrateful cow! My best friend lent me £2k once and I was very grateful - I hadn't asked her but when I was telling her about an unexpected bill, she offered and I paid her back.

She should have been mortified the next day and apologised. And I don't blame the op for not lending her any more money.

SecretRedhead · 29/03/2022 11:37

The number of people berating you for how you've handled it is astonishing. Especially because if you'd been any less firm in your response, they'd be calling you a doormat.

whynotwhatknot · 29/03/2022 11:38

I didnt mean obviously-shes paranoid so in her head she thinks that happened

Rainbowshine · 29/03/2022 11:41

I’d give it about two hours before this is turned into a click bait article by the media, it’s the sort of thing that they love.

Nietzschethehiker · 29/03/2022 11:41

Blimey the amount of absolute doormats on MN never fails to amaze me. Not even just doormats, doormats who are so self hating they can't accept their passivity but actively attempt to turn it into a virtue and spend a lot of time telling anyone with a spine to lay flatter and thank people more effusively for walking over them. The absoluteental gymnastics people will use to find a reason why a nasty piece of sef pitying work would throw generosity back in a friends face for a completely imagined slight is amazing.

I see we jhave now got to the point of being sure something else must possibly have happened, that there is zero sign of , to make this person be reasonable in their reactions. It honestly makes my skin crawl to see so many posters bending over themselves to find any possible reason why her outburst and lack of apology might be ok. I genuinely hope those who worked so hard to find the op in the wrong are recieveing some form of therapy.

Noone knew the OP had given her money, not even her husband. She got drunk and did an attention seeking self pitying rant , got nasty to a friend who helped her and some of you are trying to find a way to make her the good guy?

Embarrassment Iver her financial status is no excuse for being an arse. I've barely got 2 cents to rub together but shockingly to mn I'm aware that is not something to be ashamed of because shockingly outside of MN my character is not based on my bank account. If OP friend thinks embarrassment and a faux made up feeing of rejection justifies her behaviour then she has no bloody character.

Honest to god I give up on our sex sometimes. The amount of people trying to blame someone for being a good friend genuinely is depressing.

Ilady · 29/03/2022 11:43

You did the right thing here with her. The next day she should have woken up and realised that she made a major mistake and apologized. Instead she waited until you sent her a message and was slow to reply. Then when she replied she blames you for been distant over the previous few months despite you keeping in contact with her during family and work issues.
After all that she did not even sorry for what she said and or offer to pay back the money you gave her.
Talk about buring your bridges with you because after this you won't be their when she hits a bad patch or needs money.
I would not be surprised if the other woman in the group start putting a bit of distance between her and them as well because she shown her true colours.

5128gap · 29/03/2022 11:50

The moral high ground was lost when the OP used the money as a weapon to get her own back. The OP claimed not to want anything in return or to be repaid, yet when the friend stepped out of line, the OP uses it to attack her. The friend behaved badly, no doubt, but if the OPs generosity was as unconditional as she claims, then she would have restricted her comments to her friends behaviour, rather than issuing a reminder of the power imbalance. I would imagine there is no going back from this, which is sad given the length of the friendship, but perhaps better for both. As well meaning as it may be, this sort of dynamic in a friendship is very unhealthy.

oliviastwisted · 29/03/2022 11:51

Blimey the amount of absolute doormats on MN never fails to amaze me. Not even just doormats, doormats who are so self hating they can't accept their passivity but actively attempt to turn it into a virtue and spend a lot of time telling anyone with a spine to lay flatter and thank people more effusively for walking over them. The absoluteental gymnastics people will use to find a reason why a nasty piece of sef pitying work would throw generosity back in a friends face for a completely imagined slight is amazing.

I don’t actually disagree with this or really anything you are saying women should have decent boundaries and stand up for themselves and not be a doormat.

The situation as I see it is that morally OP is 100% in the right but we are not just rational beings we are made up of a completely separate emotional side which is where a lot of life’s richness comes from. The question becomes then if on balance the OPs long-standing friendship can overcome this bump in the road. Her friend’s behaviour is about herself - the friend, how she was feeling in that moment and she was clearly feeling like shit and projected that feeling out onto the OP. Bad behaviour 100% but if the OP loves her friend she can chose to see past that instance and recognise that none of us are perfect and we all fuck up. However if on balance the friend has not been a good friend to the OP over the years and this instance is reflective of patterns of behaviour then there is nothing to pursue. That as I see it is the question the OP needs to address and I think she is addressing it with her fried steak the moment.

oliviastwisted · 29/03/2022 11:52

Fucking autocorrect fried steak is friend Grin

Rosehugger · 29/03/2022 12:07

I'd just ignore her and leave it. The fact that the other friends knew nothing about it would surely reassure them that you hadn't been telling people and that you are not the one in the wrong.

phoenixrosehere · 29/03/2022 12:10

The moral high ground was lost when the OP used the money as a weapon to get her own back. The OP claimed not to want anything in return or to be repaid, yet when the friend stepped out of line, the OP uses it to attack her. The friend behaved badly, no doubt, but if the OPs generosity was as unconditional as she claims, then she would have restricted her comments to her friends behaviour, rather than issuing a reminder of the power imbalance.

F**k the moral high ground. OP’s friend was way out of order and said she felt like a charity case. OP wrote in her text apologising that she felt that way and said the best way would simply be to pay the money back which OP is not wrong about. OP would have been well within her right to ask for ALL the money she lent her since the friend embarrassed and humiliated OP in a restaurant full of people due to her generosity. The friend could have stopped asking for money if she had really felt that way or asked someone else if she thought she was taking advantage of OP. She didn’t ask any of the others friends by the sounds of things only OP. Her friend’s behaviour and the money go hand and hand and the friend still couldn’t apologise after what she did.