To be gobsmacked at friend

[searchingforsomethiing]

I am part of a group of friends (there are 6 of us) we are all 40 and have known each other since school.

My closest friend in the group I’ve known since primary school. She’s struggled with money in the past due to various things and I’ve always helped her out. I’m in a reasonably high paid job and I’ve given her money and been explicit that a) I didn’t want it back and b) it was between us and not to say it our friends which she was always in agreement with.

Over the past couple of years I’ve given her probably in the region of £400 and done a lot of shopping for her as well get her kids good birthday and Christmas presents. Again there’s no expectation of this in return and I’m glad to help where I can. She’s on a more even keel these days so I haven’t helped in a little while.

Cut to Saturday night, and we were out for dinner with all the other girls. My friend had a bit to drink and announced to the table loudly and that I’d been giving her money because I thought she was a “charity case” and she knew I’d been telling them all privately what I’d been doing. She was really vitriolic about it. I was absolutely mortified and so were the others.

It was incredibly awkward and I excused myself from the table and when I returned it was exceptionally difficult to keep any conversation going because she was obviously unhappy.

I left the meal not long after. I’d given her a lift to the restaurant and she expected one home but I left without giving her the chance to join.

I don’t even know how I feel tbh. I don’t know what came over her and I feel like the friendship is over.

@Anniefrenchfry

The responses on this forum I’ve found do tend to be very harsh, it’s ltb at the merest issue, people advised to end friendships, relationships, fuck people off, hard and fast. Sometimes it’s valid and other times it’s harsh and uncalled for.

What people are now urging the op to do and agreeing with her on is going over the top. The op has been beyond brutal. There is none of her friendship group that on seeing those texts she’s been sending won’t think she’s been beyond brutal. She’s made her point now. Any more ans it’s the op who looks like the dick.

You’re telling others are harsh when you’ve Judy said OP has been beyond brutal?! What e act my has OP said that’s brutal?

@ZoyaTheDestroyer

It's funny, isn't it. MN is usually all about helping OPs to set their boundaries and know their worth, but when an OP comes along who does precisely that she gets a load of criticism. Clearly there's a certain kind of MNer who prefers the spineless OPs so that they can shout at them and boss them around in the guise of 'support'.

I wholeheartedly agree with this.

Some of the posts on this thread are dreadful.

@searchingforsomethiing

I’ve looked at the all the responses and I’ve gone back to her to say

Your excuse doesn’t make any sense. Despite no physical contact, we have had numerous whatsapp chats where you were aware of my MIL, my job and DD’s broken arm and the few other things that cropped up unexpectedly causing stress and exhaustion. I am so sad and deeply disappointed that you thought so little of me to berate me in front of our friends for something that never happened. You had a bee in your bonnet because you were drunk and you embarrassed me and utterly humiliated yourself. An apology should have been the first thing you sent me when you sobered up and realised what a dick you’d been. I don’t want any money back from you but I won’t be parting with anymore now that I know exactly how low your opinion is of me. Going forward, if you find yourself in a tight spot please don’t ask me for financial assistance.

God it sounds harsh in the cold light of day

This is the perfect response. My initial post was before she responded to you with no apology. I apologize for my glib comment to you...

If a long time friend of mine embarrassed me once during the friendship I sure as hell wouldn't react like the OP

No me neither. But my limited experience on here shows that often posters are urged by key board warriors to crucify the person.

In real life the op for me has gone over the top now in attacking this woman and if I was in her friendship circle I’d be giving her the side eye due to the way she’s now treating her supposed best friend from child hood and be deeply uncomfortable with it. Yes the woman did something bad, she got drunk and was vicious and she should have apologised but the op is going way over the top now in attacking this woman.

@Anniefrenchfry

The responses on this forum I’ve found do tend to be very harsh, it’s ltb at the merest issue, people advised to end friendships, relationships, fuck people off, hard and fast. Sometimes it’s valid and other times it’s harsh and uncalled for.

What people are now urging the op to do and agreeing with her on is going over the top. The op has been beyond brutal. There is none of her friendship group that on seeing those texts she’s been sending won’t think she’s been beyond brutal. She’s made her point now. Any more ans it’s the op who looks like the dick.

This

Yes, OP, you're supposed to accept people talking to you like shit because they might have a mental health problem. You need to be more kind and give her all your time and money and not make her feel bad.

I don't care if she's a friend of 30 years or 10 years or 5 minutes.
Behaving like that is not what a " friend" does to another friend.
The woman has behaved very badly to the OP and not a word of apology.
Friendships are not a " til death" thing that the OP has to put up with just because it's long term. I'd be courteous to her in the larger group situation but no more favours or lifts.

[quote searchingforsomethiing]@NdefH81

She was a dick. If you behave like one then expect to be called out on it then maybe think twice about doing it again[/quote]
Yep. Also, not harsh. It's called consequences.

@Anniefrenchfry

If a long time friend of mine embarrassed me once during the friendship I sure as hell wouldn't react like the OP

No me neither. But my limited experience on here shows that often posters are urged by key board warriors to crucify the person.

In real life the op for me has gone over the top now in attacking this woman and if I was in her friendship circle I’d be giving her the side eye due to the way she’s now treating her supposed best friend from child hood and be deeply uncomfortable with it. Yes the woman did something bad, she got drunk and was vicious and she should have apologised but the op is going way over the top now in attacking this woman.

@Anniefrenchfry - but OP's friend started this by making a drunken announcement at a dinner with their friends!

I don't think OP should necessarily have asked for the money back but I do think she has every right to be angry with this friend, who still hasn't apologised and seems to think it's fine to attack her verbally for a nice deed in front of others.

If the friend was unhappy, thought she was being treated as a charity case etc there are much better ways of expressing this rather than in a drunken rage/vent when out with others.

@stormswiftlysweetafton

I'd be honest with the other friends, if they ask about it (again). You don't owe her any secrecy. She brought it up herself!

This seems like a clear case of "no good deed goes unpunished".

I'd make sure my friends knew the truth, the OP's name has been slandered by a drunk, she owes it to herself to make sure that her name isn't sullied. A lot of people seem to be supportive of the drunk, fine friends they must make!

I haven’t read the whole thread just the OPs posts.
Your friend was completely out of order and your response is justified and proportionate.
You can hold your head up high OP.

I think it’s a shame that OP didn’t retain the moral high ground. She was most definitely wronged and everyone at the table knew the friend was talking bollocks.

Following it up with an arsehole text just makes it look as if there was more going on behind the scenes than it appeared.

I fully agree she’s a right to be angry, I just think there is a way to handle someone’s poor behaviour without destroying them. We don’t need to accept shit or be a walk over, but we also don’t need to escalate it and behave worse, sure she started it but the op has certainly finished it.

If I saw those texts and had witnessed the exchange I’d be horrified, at least the friend can say she was drunk, the op is brutally attacking her sober, and has lost all high ground.

And what’s worse is she keeps harping on about money, I want my money back, no I don’t but if you want money don’t ask me. There’s no need for that. The last thing the woman going to do is ask her for more money. And I guarantee the woman’s sending the texts to the whole group and saying don’t tell her but this is what she’s sending.

Actually I think your last response was less brutal than the first you sent. Whilst she has behaved like a total dick are you sure there’s nothing else at play here? I can see that for you there is no way back to the friendship from your very first response to her - in which case why keep flogging her? She’s f-d up, you no longer want her in your life so move on and stop the drama.

@Anniefrenchfry

I fully agree she’s a right to be angry, I just think there is a way to handle someone’s poor behaviour without destroying them. We don’t need to accept shit or be a walk over, but we also don’t need to escalate it and behave worse, sure she started it but the op has certainly finished it.

If I saw those texts and had witnessed the exchange I’d be horrified, at least the friend can say she was drunk, the op is brutally attacking her sober, and has lost all high ground.

And what’s worse is she keeps harping on about money, I want my money back, no I don’t but if you want money don’t ask me. There’s no need for that. The last thing the woman going to do is ask her for more money. And I guarantee the woman’s sending the texts to the whole group and saying don’t tell her but this is what she’s sending.

No one has destroyed anyone. Stop reading things that aren’t there.

I think your last message is completely fair.
I think you're right to call out her shitty behaviour and you don't deserve to be treated the way she treated you.

Poor behaviour whilst drunk

So? No one forced her to get drunk. That was her choice as is what followed and came out of her mouth. Being drunk is no excuse or pass nor does alcohol make you say such things.

OP, you’re better than me. The shock of what she said would have worn off and I would have calmly gone around and asked each friend there if they knew what she was on about and see her response and depending on what she said after would have determined if I told our friends everything.

You did the right thing and none of your texts were remotely harsh for what she did.

I don't understand why you spent years as a total pushover and now suddenly you're sending these long Mumsnet manifesto letters to her.

Just ice her out. She's a drama queen. You're one too if you keep playing up to it.

OP I think you've handled this well. Your last reply was more than justified only because there was no apology.
If you'd had some form of apology from her this would be different and I'd want to know what made her.
But the no apology is disappointing.

Woman who are attacked on their character through lies and gossip do not have to maintain high ground, nor do they have "to be kind" and immediately think there's some mental health issues going on.

It's socially conditioned bullshit.

If you want help composing more long ranty messages that make you sound righteous and weird, you are 100% on the right website.

@TheBeautifulMoors

Ooh your response mentioning not asking for help is harsh. I think Ok to ask for an apology but the last bit makes it sound like you’re throwing the help you gave her in her face.

Wasn't the reverse the case here though, that the 'friend' threw the help she received back in the OP's face? She certainly came across as very ungrateful.

Yes your response was a little harsh, you know that, but I don’t think it was unreasonable.

You focussed mainly on your experiences and your emotions.

I think the bit of your response that she is going to find hard is you saying she humiliated herself (because I think underneath it she was feeling humiliated being in that situation and what you got at the dinner table was her projecting out what she thought people might be saying about her but really her own shame and humiliation).

I think raising the money issue will reinforce a bit what she was thinking initially which I don’t think is right at all because my impression from what you have said is that you don’t care about the money but rather you care about how she threw you generously giving her money back in your face.

But you know what you are allowed to speak up for yourself and tell people when they have hurt you and think it is good that you have done that here.

Woman who are attacked on their character through lies and gossip do not have to maintain high ground, nor do they have "to be kind"

I agree with this too

Why are so many advising the OP to value her friendship of 30 years?

Is she the only party to the friendship that is supposed to value it?

She thought she was being a good friend for many years.

What she has been shown is not only does her friend not value the relationship, she has been harbouring a deep seated baseless resentment over the years, and decided to air this resentment and embarrass her friend of 30 years, publicly.

She has had two days to rethink what she did, but instead of apologising and explaining, has decided to double down on her awful behaviour and blame the OP.

I agree with @ZoyaTheDestroyer, MN posters have a real problem with women having any sort of boundaries.

If this woman had genuinely apologised, the friendship may well have been saved, but to blame the OP in such an utterly ridiculously way, which is patently untrue, has just poured salt on the wound.

It takes two people for a friendship to thrive.

Not one behaving badly and the other supposedly to just suck it up.

I think her justification of her appalling behaviour, in the cold light of day, nearly worse than her drunk outburst.

So crass.