To be gobsmacked at friend

[searchingforsomethiing]

I am part of a group of friends (there are 6 of us) we are all 40 and have known each other since school.

My closest friend in the group I’ve known since primary school. She’s struggled with money in the past due to various things and I’ve always helped her out. I’m in a reasonably high paid job and I’ve given her money and been explicit that a) I didn’t want it back and b) it was between us and not to say it our friends which she was always in agreement with.

Over the past couple of years I’ve given her probably in the region of £400 and done a lot of shopping for her as well get her kids good birthday and Christmas presents. Again there’s no expectation of this in return and I’m glad to help where I can. She’s on a more even keel these days so I haven’t helped in a little while.

Cut to Saturday night, and we were out for dinner with all the other girls. My friend had a bit to drink and announced to the table loudly and that I’d been giving her money because I thought she was a “charity case” and she knew I’d been telling them all privately what I’d been doing. She was really vitriolic about it. I was absolutely mortified and so were the others.

It was incredibly awkward and I excused myself from the table and when I returned it was exceptionally difficult to keep any conversation going because she was obviously unhappy.

I left the meal not long after. I’d given her a lift to the restaurant and she expected one home but I left without giving her the chance to join.

I don’t even know how I feel tbh. I don’t know what came over her and I feel like the friendship is over.

You were unkind back to her, you did not give her an opportunity to explain her awful outburst and you asked for the money back. Unbelievable imo

OP gave her two full days to explain herself! How long was she supposed to wait, @GreenFingeredNell15?

Ooft. That's a poor response.

In her mind, you probably were being distant. Fair enough - everyone has their own thoughts and opinions.

However, she should have approached this as a friend, and reached out to you and given you the opportunity to explain your 'distance' (with everything you had going on, as a friend, she should have supported you through it too), not publicly attack you.

I wonder if she realises that she is potentially making the rest of the group choose between her and you.
She needs to apologise.

There are some utterly dick comments on here.

OP, you've done nothing wrong, you've reacted in the same way I would have although I would probably have been more vocal in front of everybody but that's just me. I can totally understand your shock and embarrassment. However, the embarrassment should be hers. I hope she gives you the apology you deserve

I’ve looked at the all the responses and I’ve gone back to her to say

Your excuse doesn’t make any sense. Despite no physical contact, we have had numerous whatsapp chats where you were aware of my MIL, my job and DD’s broken arm and the few other things that cropped up unexpectedly causing stress and exhaustion. I am so sad and deeply disappointed that you thought so little of me to berate me in front of our friends for something that never happened. You had a bee in your bonnet because you were drunk and you embarrassed me and utterly humiliated yourself. An apology should have been the first thing you sent me when you sobered up and realised what a dick you’d been. I don’t want any money back from you but I won’t be parting with anymore now that I know exactly how low your opinion is of me. Going forward, if you find yourself in a tight spot please don’t ask me for financial assistance.

God it sounds harsh in the cold light of day

@searchingforsomethiing

I’ve looked at the all the responses and I’ve gone back to her to say

Your excuse doesn’t make any sense. Despite no physical contact, we have had numerous whatsapp chats where you were aware of my MIL, my job and DD’s broken arm and the few other things that cropped up unexpectedly causing stress and exhaustion. I am so sad and deeply disappointed that you thought so little of me to berate me in front of our friends for something that never happened. You had a bee in your bonnet because you were drunk and you embarrassed me and utterly humiliated yourself. An apology should have been the first thing you sent me when you sobered up and realised what a dick you’d been. I don’t want any money back from you but I won’t be parting with anymore now that I know exactly how low your opinion is of me. Going forward, if you find yourself in a tight spot please don’t ask me for financial assistance.

God it sounds harsh in the cold light of day

I think this is spot on and no less than she deserves.

I think that response is calm and measured but puts your viewpoint across very well. I don't think it's harsh at all.

@searchingforsomethiing this is awful, I'm sorry!

Ignore the posters who seem to think you should respond to her awful behaviour by being a total pushover... or those who seem to feel you aimlessly wandered around. Mumsnet is weird!

I am not weird, however, and think you've done the right thing. Her lack of apology is indeed telling- she's trying to justify her appalling and hurtful behaviour by turning the tables around on you. Nope!

I have a friend who used to give me some extra money when I was broke. Or rather, she would invite me for meals etc and make it clear it was on her, or give me nice "experience" presents for my birthday/Christmas, etc.

Recently I have moved abroad and am significantly more well off than I was at that time, and she's a single mum with a young baby who has been royally docked around by the baby's father. I do the same for her now, no questions! That's how friendship works.

Ooh your response mentioning not asking for help is harsh.
I think Ok to ask for an apology but the last bit makes it sound like you’re throwing the help you gave her in her face.

Ah were getting the real story now.
Shes annoyed the bank was closed while you were dealing with stuff @searchingforsomethiing.

@searchingforsomethiing

I’ve looked at the all the responses and I’ve gone back to her to say

Your excuse doesn’t make any sense. Despite no physical contact, we have had numerous whatsapp chats where you were aware of my MIL, my job and DD’s broken arm and the few other things that cropped up unexpectedly causing stress and exhaustion. I am so sad and deeply disappointed that you thought so little of me to berate me in front of our friends for something that never happened. You had a bee in your bonnet because you were drunk and you embarrassed me and utterly humiliated yourself. An apology should have been the first thing you sent me when you sobered up and realised what a dick you’d been. I don’t want any money back from you but I won’t be parting with anymore now that I know exactly how low your opinion is of me. Going forward, if you find yourself in a tight spot please don’t ask me for financial assistance.

God it sounds harsh in the cold light of day

Not harsh at all.

I have a long term friend (we were at school together) whom I've helped out financially in the past and we had a phase where she was deeply unpleasant to me in front of her other friends when I visited - it took me a very long time to get even slightly past the hurt it caused me.

She never apologised, either.

You have just called your friend of 30 years a dick

I don’t think that was necessary

@NdefH81

She was a dick. If you behave like one then expect to be called out on it then maybe think twice about doing it again

This is allll so dramatic to me.

I would have just said ‘oh shut up you idiot what you talking about’ at the table and just left it at that. Maybe mentioned it to her again at a different time to say how you felt but all this messaging about calling her a dick, don’t ask for money again etc. Sounds so dramatic, was that all even necessary?

Obviously I wasn’t there so maybe the situation was worse than it sounds but it really doesn’t sound like the end of the world to me

Honestly I think this is just escalating further op. I understand youre furious and obviously the friendship is totally over, but I’d really not attack her further. It’s done now. People are urging you to totally destroy her, but there is nothing to be gained from it.

I’d also be cognisant of the fact you have a joint friendship circle and as much as you’re texting them for support, she will be doing the same thing, so for everyone’s sake, you’ve said your piece, retaliated in kind and then some, but you don’t need to rip her limbs off.

@searchingforsomethiing

I’ve looked at the all the responses and I’ve gone back to her to say

Your excuse doesn’t make any sense. Despite no physical contact, we have had numerous whatsapp chats where you were aware of my MIL, my job and DD’s broken arm and the few other things that cropped up unexpectedly causing stress and exhaustion. I am so sad and deeply disappointed that you thought so little of me to berate me in front of our friends for something that never happened. You had a bee in your bonnet because you were drunk and you embarrassed me and utterly humiliated yourself. An apology should have been the first thing you sent me when you sobered up and realised what a dick you’d been. I don’t want any money back from you but I won’t be parting with anymore now that I know exactly how low your opinion is of me. Going forward, if you find yourself in a tight spot please don’t ask me for financial assistance.

God it sounds harsh in the cold light of day

I don't think this is harsh at all. She obviously can't see what she did wrong hense no apology so she needs it laid out clearly!

So she's turned it back on you. Predictable.

Sorry your kindness has been thrown back in your face.

[quote searchingforsomethiing]@NdefH81

She was a dick. If you behave like one then expect to be called out on it then maybe think twice about doing it again[/quote]
Poor behaviour whilst drunk

In the context of 30 years friendship?

No, I wouldn’t call her a dick in that scenario

@NdefH81

You have just called your friend of 30 years a dick

I don’t think that was necessary

Why? She is a dick and a rude, ungrateful one at that 🤷🏻‍♀️

[quote searchingforsomethiing]@NdefH81

She was a dick. If you behave like one then expect to be called out on it then maybe think twice about doing it again[/quote]
I agree.

At least what you called her out on was the truth .... unlike what she spouted about you.

@TheBeautifulMoors

Ooh your response mentioning not asking for help is harsh. I think Ok to ask for an apology but the last bit makes it sound like you’re throwing the help you gave her in her face.

Not asking for financial help. Not "help" in general. Big difference

Poor behaviour whilst drunk

"Poor behaviour" is doing a lot of heavy lifting in that sentence.

"Poor behaviour" while drunk that you can let go might involve dancing in a sloppy way and crashing into people, flirting with someone who clearly wasn't interested, swearing robustly among people who were likely to be uncomfortable with it.

Publically accusing your friend of 30 years who's been quietly helping you out financially of looking down her nose at you while gossiping about your finances to other friends even though she said she wouldn't is a different level of poor behaviour. It's a show of rank ingratitude and disloyalty to someone who's been kind to you.

One is "time to go home love, you're having a bit much fun", the other is "where the hell has this undeserved attack come from and what can you possibly think justifies it"?

The responses on this forum I’ve found do tend to be very harsh, it’s ltb at the merest issue, people advised to end friendships, relationships, fuck people off, hard and fast. Sometimes it’s valid and other times it’s harsh and uncalled for.

What people are now urging the op to do and agreeing with her on is going over the top. The op has been beyond brutal. There is none of her friendship group that on seeing those texts she’s been sending won’t think she’s been beyond brutal. She’s made her point now. Any more ans it’s the op who looks like the dick.

@EthelTheAardvark

You were unkind back to her, you did not give her an opportunity to explain her awful outburst and you asked for the money back. Unbelievable imo

OP gave her two full days to explain herself! How long was she supposed to wait, @GreenFingeredNell15?

If a long time friend of mine embarrassed me once during the friendship I sure as hell wouldn't react like the OP.

Not in any way.