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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be gobsmacked at friend

794 replies

searchingforsomethiing · 28/03/2022 15:08

I am part of a group of friends (there are 6 of us) we are all 40 and have known each other since school.

My closest friend in the group I’ve known since primary school. She’s struggled with money in the past due to various things and I’ve always helped her out. I’m in a reasonably high paid job and I’ve given her money and been explicit that a) I didn’t want it back and b) it was between us and not to say it our friends which she was always in agreement with.

Over the past couple of years I’ve given her probably in the region of £400 and done a lot of shopping for her as well get her kids good birthday and Christmas presents. Again there’s no expectation of this in return and I’m glad to help where I can. She’s on a more even keel these days so I haven’t helped in a little while.

Cut to Saturday night, and we were out for dinner with all the other girls. My friend had a bit to drink and announced to the table loudly and that I’d been giving her money because I thought she was a “charity case” and she knew I’d been telling them all privately what I’d been doing. She was really vitriolic about it. I was absolutely mortified and so were the others.

It was incredibly awkward and I excused myself from the table and when I returned it was exceptionally difficult to keep any conversation going because she was obviously unhappy.

I left the meal not long after. I’d given her a lift to the restaurant and she expected one home but I left without giving her the chance to join.

I don’t even know how I feel tbh. I don’t know what came over her and I feel like the friendship is over.

OP posts:
SartresSoul · 29/03/2022 08:46

My guess is she’s conscious about the fact you two haven’t seen each other for a few months and for whatever reason thinks this may be because of the money. It obviously wasn’t but she may have decided that’s definitely the case and the thoughts spiralled into your other friends knowing and everyone talking about her financial status. She’s clearly very insecure about it and perhaps jealous of your situation. She may be struggling with mental health issues like anxiety, I know when I’ve been going through a rough patch with anxiety I do get really paranoid like this.

No excuse for her outburst though, she was entirely out of line and the fact she hasn’t even apologised speaks volumes. It’s a shame but I think this spells the end of the friendship.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 29/03/2022 08:47

I’d have to reply as well.

You thought I was being distant and instead of talking about it with me like a grown up, thought that embarrassing us both in front of friends publicly, was a good plan? Well it wasn’t. All I’ve ever done is try to be a good supportive friend to you and that is how you repay me? And by the way-the words you are looking for, are “I’m sorry”

Sparkletastic · 29/03/2022 08:51

Sympathies OP. Something very similar happened to me a year ago. Resentment and jealousy was at the root of it, coupled with my 'friend's' insecurity. An apology was eventually forthcoming but it was rather self-serving. We have many mutual friends so I've attempted to forgive but the friendship will never truly recover.

oliviastwisted · 29/03/2022 08:53

The thing is in these situations when we’ve been “attacked” the tendency is to go back at them ourselves and say things about people’s character rather than how their behaviour made us feel but most people’s egos don’t withstand that at all and the whole thing just blows up and escalates. I think it was important for the OP to say her piece but if this is to have a resolution two people going back and forth at each other is not the way to get one.

AlisonDonut · 29/03/2022 08:57

Nah, the distance is diversion away from just paying you back. It took her long enough to make that up and bears no resemblance to her outburst.

LuluBlakey1 · 29/03/2022 08:57

I doubt you'll see any money back. I couldn't get past her behaviour. I'd reply once more with something like.

'I have explained what's been going on in my life since Christmas with MIL being ill , DD's accident and work. It's been a difficult time. I wasn't expecting any support from you but, equally wasn't expecting to be verbally attacked publicly and have lies told about me to our friends. It's time you grew up- not everything in the world is about you in some way.

I can't see a way forward between us so let's leave it at that. Just to be clear, whilst I no longer want to have any contact with you, I certainly won't be making any public scenes or causing problems if we happen to be out in a group with mutual friends.'

spacehardware · 29/03/2022 08:58

@Cocogreen

What a flipping victim. So it's all your fault that she got drunk because you've been distant ie very busy with family problems. And as you say, no apology. She's a self absorbed twat.
This absolutely
ZoyaTheDestroyer · 29/03/2022 09:04

It's funny, isn't it. MN is usually all about helping OPs to set their boundaries and know their worth, but when an OP comes along who does precisely that she gets a load of criticism. Clearly there's a certain kind of MNer who prefers the spineless OPs so that they can shout at them and boss them around in the guise of 'support'.

Beautiful3 · 29/03/2022 09:05

Wow her message to you didn't even contain an apology?! She's trying to turn the narrative around, so that you're the bad guy here! I would ignore her. Don't waste your energy nor any more money on her.

FetchezLaVache · 29/03/2022 09:06

I differ from PPs in that I don't think you should answer that ridiculous reply. You gave her an opportunity to explain and apologise; she did neither. To me, that just adds insult to injury. I would go with dignified silence.

Alleycat1 · 29/03/2022 09:06

You have been an incredibly kind and supportive friend. It is completely understandable that you bit your tongue and left the table because you didn't wish to further embarrass her by responding with the truth.
She will soon realise that she has shot herself in the foot as no handouts or loans will ever be forthcoming from anyone who was sitting around that table....definitely not from you.

FetchezLaVache · 29/03/2022 09:07

@ZoyaTheDestroyer

It's funny, isn't it. MN is usually all about helping OPs to set their boundaries and know their worth, but when an OP comes along who does precisely that she gets a load of criticism. Clearly there's a certain kind of MNer who prefers the spineless OPs so that they can shout at them and boss them around in the guise of 'support'.
Interesting point well made, @ZoyaTheDestroyer.
grapewines · 29/03/2022 09:11

@FetchezLaVache

I differ from PPs in that I don't think you should answer that ridiculous reply. You gave her an opportunity to explain and apologise; she did neither. To me, that just adds insult to injury. I would go with dignified silence.
Agree with this. That message does not deserve a response.
GreenFingeredNell15 · 29/03/2022 09:12

Your friend was very rude and unkind

However if she is a good close friend who has made one horrible mistake when drunk, I would not have reacted as you have

You were unkind back to her, you did not give her an opportunity to explain her awful outburst and you asked for the money back. Unbelievable imo 😳

Two wrongs do not make a right, as my mum always used to say

Jacopo · 29/03/2022 09:13

Cut her off completely now. She’s shown you who she is.

skyeisthelimit · 29/03/2022 09:13

OP, you have not done anything wrong, either on the night or since and you have handled it very well.

You don't expect the money back but you have made a good point to her that if she feels like a charity case then repaying the money will stop that.

Her reply does not excuse her behaviour or explain it.

I would just keep your distance from her from now on. You have clearly been a very good friend to this person and you don't have to stick around to listen to her shit.

Flickflak · 29/03/2022 09:17

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

browneyes77 · 29/03/2022 09:22

That reply is just an excuse. One that took her quite a while to come up with. And one that bears no relation to her outburst.

She obviously knew you had stuff going on in your life because you’d told her, so for her to come up with this ‘being distant’ bullshit, is just that…bullshit.

She’s scrambling around trying to find excuses for her behaviour. She knows she’s embarrassed herself by letting her own insecurities come out in that outburst. And rather than own it and apologise, she’s putting the blame elsewhere to paint herself as the victim.

browneyes77 · 29/03/2022 09:32

I find it curious you didn’t try to defend yourself at the table, you left the table and then left the restaurant. When someone accuses us of something we didn’t do it’s normal to respond with shock, indignation, and to argue your position before walking away, not just walk away and say nothing as you have said.

I find it curious that you think everyone behaves in the same way.

I myself have less restraint when someone hurts me and in that situation I’d have ripped her a new arsehole there and then at the table. So I’d have gone the opposite end of the spectrum, (which is probably not the best approach).

However, I’ve also had the opposite reaction when friends have hurt me. I’ve kept quiet and maintained a dignified silence. Depends on the scenario.

I’ve also a fair few friends that would’ve reacted the same as the OP. In that rather than challenge her back there and then and cause a further scene, they remove themselves from the situation to keep their composure.

The OP herself said in a previous post that she took herself away from the table and to the toilet, so that she could essentially stop herself from biting back, because if she had, then she would’ve had likely ripped her a new arsehole too. She saved that for when she got home so it wasn’t done in front of others.

You said yourself “it’s normal to respond with shock”. People behave in all kinds of ways when they’re in shock. There is no one size fits all.

billy1966 · 29/03/2022 09:36

That response is appalling.

You must be stunned.

I don't think there is any recovering from it.

There is something so ugly about her behaviour, that has exposed such an unpleasant side to her, I really wouldn't want to be around her, in anything but the most superficial way.

In your place I would maintain those friendships within the group you value, separately, and leave her off.

She has not apologised in any shape or form.

She has not humiliated you, she has made a complete show of herself.

I cannot bear people who cannot handle their drink.

Why would you want to be around that.

Self absorbed twit.

HallucinatingHilda · 29/03/2022 09:38

Ok, can I take back my last post about finding out why she went off the deep end?

Behaving like that because you weren't available to her for 3 months, and then sending that text?

Sod that for a game of soldiers.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 29/03/2022 09:41

No need to message her again op.
Ever.

TheArtfulBlogger · 29/03/2022 09:42

Professional victims who still pocket the money are so hard work and rarely worth the effort
What do you think you will reply, if at all?

Smidgy · 29/03/2022 09:45

So instead of accepting she was wrong and apologising for accusing you of lording it over her and breaking her trust, she's trying to find another way of making it your fault by blaming you for being distant? That's really hurtful, manipulative, and makes it impossible to move on from when the person to blame refuses to take responsibility for their own actions.

AgentCarterRocks · 29/03/2022 09:45

Instead of approaching you about what she felt was your distance, she decided to shred your reputation and throw your kind actions back in your face, in a public place, in front of mutual friends? She's digging in, and that would make me more livid to be honest. Often it's the bad times that really show us who our friends are, and she's really showing you who she is right now.

Your gravy train has presumably pulled out of the station without her on board now.