To be gobsmacked at friend

[searchingforsomethiing]

I am part of a group of friends (there are 6 of us) we are all 40 and have known each other since school.

My closest friend in the group I’ve known since primary school. She’s struggled with money in the past due to various things and I’ve always helped her out. I’m in a reasonably high paid job and I’ve given her money and been explicit that a) I didn’t want it back and b) it was between us and not to say it our friends which she was always in agreement with.

Over the past couple of years I’ve given her probably in the region of £400 and done a lot of shopping for her as well get her kids good birthday and Christmas presents. Again there’s no expectation of this in return and I’m glad to help where I can. She’s on a more even keel these days so I haven’t helped in a little while.

Cut to Saturday night, and we were out for dinner with all the other girls. My friend had a bit to drink and announced to the table loudly and that I’d been giving her money because I thought she was a “charity case” and she knew I’d been telling them all privately what I’d been doing. She was really vitriolic about it. I was absolutely mortified and so were the others.

It was incredibly awkward and I excused myself from the table and when I returned it was exceptionally difficult to keep any conversation going because she was obviously unhappy.

I left the meal not long after. I’d given her a lift to the restaurant and she expected one home but I left without giving her the chance to join.

I don’t even know how I feel tbh. I don’t know what came over her and I feel like the friendship is over.

[quote Zonder]@searchingforsomethiing please ignore the haters on here. You've been really kind to this friend and clearly she has been simmering with resentment for some time. I think your message to her was fine, and it's very good that your friends backed you to her by telling her they didn't know anything about the money.

I hope she gets over herself and sends you a big apology.[/quote]
Yes I agree with this. What a horrible way to repay your kindness

I find it curious you didn’t try to defend yourself at the table, you left the table and then left the restaurant. When someone accuses us of something we didn’t do it’s normal to respond with shock, indignation, and to argue your position before walking away, not just walk away and say nothing as you have said.

Are you sure this relationship wasn’t already having issues? The whole thing is odd. This is your best friend, who you’ve known from primary school. She accused you of something in an unpleasant manner, clearly as she thinks that’s what you’ve done to her, your reaction was to just walk away, to want to destroy her, then to text her that message, and she’s not apologised becayse she thinks she correct.

Is there some issue in the friendship that’s made it go nuclear so very quickly?

I find it curious you didn’t try to defend yourself at the table, you left the table and then left the restaurant
@Anniefrenchfry the op was caught off guard.
She did what I would do.

No good deed goes unpunished. You've had your punishment doled out by being publicly insulted.

She sounds as if she has been festering for ages - she needs/wants your money but feels bad/insecure for taking it, and it all came out in a horrible mess.

You did nothing wrong. You have been a kind and loyal friend all along. I'm glad your friends can see that. 💐

Has she replied yet?

I find it curious you didn’t try to defend yourself at the table, you left the table and then left the restaurant. When someone accuses us of something we didn’t do it’s normal to respond with shock, indignation, and to argue your position before walking away, not just walk away and say nothing as you have said.

Are you serious??

You could not be more wrong.

I would have done exactly as the OP did.

@SpringLobelia

I think you handled it well. I have been in an almost identical situation completely with my former friend developing an immense resentment of me because I helped her. As my husband said; 'Do someone a favour and they'll never forgive you'.

I wish i had broached it openly with my former friend in the way you did. Instead she has spent the last 6 years snubbing me and bitching about me in public along pretty identical lines and accusing me of behaving like Lady Muck (for getting her out of a financial hole when she begged me to!) to mutual friends.

You have done nothing wrong, and you defended yourself with quite alot of grace at the time and then firmly and with clarity afterwards. I assume she sobered up and is mortified. But the friendship is clearly dead.

This has such a ring of truth.

The friend is clearly resentful, and in her own mind has turned her jealousy into the OP "lording it".

I would probably have just left it and waited for her to see sense but it's done now.

@Cocomarine

Yeah, so you wandered off. I find that odd. But hey it’s small potatoes in the context of coming back and publicly destroying her.

She didn’t wander off or publicly destroy her She went to the loo.

@lovingtheheat

Surprised at the criticism the op is receiving and the suggestion that the onus is on her to fix this.

The OP did a generous and kind thing for her friend whilst being loyal in keeping her confidence.

Her friend repaid the op, her long standing friend, by being vicious and disloyal. The OP could have reacted by "outing" the friend but hasn't. The OP can't make the "friend" see reason or change the friend's mindset.

Yes it's a long standing friendship, but it is clear the friend is embarrassed/ resents the OP and that those feelings festered and were released after drinking. The alcohol isn't an excuse. I totally understand others would turn the other cheek, but as i find loyalty to be non-negotiable I wouldn't be able to overlook the betrayal/disloyalty by the friend regardless of the misguided origins / impact of alcohol and allow the friendship to fade as the OP can't save this.

This. Totally this. OP you have treated your friend well over the years. I am sure that she, underneath all the burning resentment and jealousy she feels about you and your benevolence, she will be feeling utterly mortified and embarrassed that her true feelings have come out after a few glasses...she's humiliated herself in front of all your mutual friends and if she has any decency left, she will know that she has ruined the friendship with you and the group so has a huge amount of humble pie to eat. But if she stills feels that burning angry resentment towards you, because you were in a position to help her, there won't be any going back. I'd never trust her again personally and against other pp comments, would not be enquiring about why she did it , or going to see her to ask for an explanation! You've done nothing wrong OP. How hurtful for you. 😥

The OP's "friend" went full Annie from bridesmaids. She's obviously been jealous/resentful for a while

OP,

If she continues to bad mouth you to friends, any loyalty is no longer necessary.

I think it is perfectly reasonable to tell them how upset you are, after being a friend and 100% discreet.

Time for YOU to be offended.

Have you had a reply OP? Sounds like you absolutely did the right thing.

I got a reply this morning.

Along the lines of “I felt like I hadn’t seen you for a few months and that you’d been distant.” There was no apology and that seems to have been her reasoning for presuming that I’d spoken about her and the arrangement.

It is true that I had seen her since Christmas but we were regularly in touch by text and she was aware of a few things that had been going on namely my MIL being unwell and requiring a lot of help. My DH is an only child so it all falls to him and me. My work was also stressful and my youngest daughter fell off her bike in January and broke her arm which needed an operation and recovery time. I had to cancel a night out with the girls in January as I was exhausted after a week at work and at hospital with MIL.

I guess the lack of apology is telling 🤷🏻‍♀️

To me it sounded like she is feeling very low and feels embarrassed for needing help and got a little paranoid. I totally understand walking off, but if it was a good friend I'd take a bit of space. Calmly text my view and ask of everything is OK. If the response is abuse then I'd leave it. But wouldn't necessarily have started so strong as the ops text but I don't think she was wrong either

@searchingforsomethiing

I got a reply this morning.

Along the lines of “I felt like I hadn’t seen you for a few months and that you’d been distant.” There was no apology and that seems to have been her reasoning for presuming that I’d spoken about her and the arrangement.

It is true that I had seen her since Christmas but we were regularly in touch by text and she was aware of a few things that had been going on namely my MIL being unwell and requiring a lot of help. My DH is an only child so it all falls to him and me. My work was also stressful and my youngest daughter fell off her bike in January and broke her arm which needed an operation and recovery time. I had to cancel a night out with the girls in January as I was exhausted after a week at work and at hospital with MIL.

I guess the lack of apology is telling 🤷🏻‍♀️

Wow, that’s very odd. No mention of anything else. I personally would just stay clear.

Op
In the 30 years you’ve been close friends
What’s the relationship been like?

Because I too have a group of girlfriends from school

They’re like my sisters

I don't understand how OP was humiliated? That she was so generous to give money? That her friend blabbed about it. and thought she had told the others?

It really isn't difficult to work out, @PiperPosey. She gave her friend the money out of generosity, but out of the blue friend was suddenly telling other friends and a load of strangers that she only did it because she liked to feel friend was a charity case; not only that, but she was accused of breaking her friend's confidence to make herself look good.

It's very telling indeed that this happened on Saturday night, yet at no point on Sunday or Monday, did the friend contact OP to apologise. That is really what puts an end to the friendship.

I’d be pissed off with that response too and with her initial behaviour with that but if you typically go out together in a group and you are in that group for decades I’d let it go now for your own sake. You don’t want future group events to be uncomfortable for you. You have said your piece to her and she still hasn’t taken responsibility, she isn’t worth creating a rift in the group for and you now better know where you stand with her. Did she say she was planning to pay you back or did she skim over that bit.

I think she got drunk and projected all her feelings about herself onto you. It was very bad form and the least she needs to do is apologise to you and to the group. If she thought you were being distant she should have just brought it up with you.

My advice to her would be to stop at one glass in the future if this is how she behaves.

I guess she's about to find out what you being distant really feels like.

What the fuck does that have to do with what she said to you?

What a flipping victim.
So it's all your fault that she got drunk because you've been distant ie very busy with family problems.
And as you say, no apology.
She's a self absorbed twat.

@searchingforsomethiing

I got a reply this morning.

Along the lines of “I felt like I hadn’t seen you for a few months and that you’d been distant.” There was no apology and that seems to have been her reasoning for presuming that I’d spoken about her and the arrangement.

It is true that I had seen her since Christmas but we were regularly in touch by text and she was aware of a few things that had been going on namely my MIL being unwell and requiring a lot of help. My DH is an only child so it all falls to him and me. My work was also stressful and my youngest daughter fell off her bike in January and broke her arm which needed an operation and recovery time. I had to cancel a night out with the girls in January as I was exhausted after a week at work and at hospital with MIL.

I guess the lack of apology is telling 🤷🏻‍♀️

So she was working of a 'feeling' she had, not actual facts about hers and your arrangement.

In your shoes, I'd have to reply to that message saying "So, you had a feeling that I was being distant without any proof or without asking me directly, so you took it upon yourself to put on this despicable show in the restaurant?? I am waiting for my apology and I believe, that because you carried on in the restaurant, the other ladies also deserve an apology because their evening was ruined too. What sort of a 'friend' would embarrass another in such a way. I don't think I know you at all at this point"

Or something along those lines but probably shorter

I guess the lack of apology is telling

I suspect that's pride. A few years ago a friend of mine went off on a spectacular rant about something on my FB wall. I tried to turn off comments on the post but couldn't, so just deleted the post, all the comments, everything. It was such a stupid thing for actual adults who knew each other well to be falling out over. Was just going to send her a message in a day or two when things had calmed down but she then blocked me on everything.

Thing is, I knew there was a lot going on in her life and it wasn't really about me. We patched things up after about a year but she has still never apologised for going off on one and although we get on and I consider her a friend, I will never fully trust her in certain situations because I know she has that tendency.

I'm sorry your friend has acted in this way but I wouldn't write things off entirely. Just give it time and see what happens. She's been an arse, but we can all do that at times.

I agree OP, the lack of an apology is telling. I think it's time she learned what you "being distant" is really like. She sounds completely and utterly self centred.