To be gobsmacked at friend

[searchingforsomethiing]

I am part of a group of friends (there are 6 of us) we are all 40 and have known each other since school.

My closest friend in the group I’ve known since primary school. She’s struggled with money in the past due to various things and I’ve always helped her out. I’m in a reasonably high paid job and I’ve given her money and been explicit that a) I didn’t want it back and b) it was between us and not to say it our friends which she was always in agreement with.

Over the past couple of years I’ve given her probably in the region of £400 and done a lot of shopping for her as well get her kids good birthday and Christmas presents. Again there’s no expectation of this in return and I’m glad to help where I can. She’s on a more even keel these days so I haven’t helped in a little while.

Cut to Saturday night, and we were out for dinner with all the other girls. My friend had a bit to drink and announced to the table loudly and that I’d been giving her money because I thought she was a “charity case” and she knew I’d been telling them all privately what I’d been doing. She was really vitriolic about it. I was absolutely mortified and so were the others.

It was incredibly awkward and I excused myself from the table and when I returned it was exceptionally difficult to keep any conversation going because she was obviously unhappy.

I left the meal not long after. I’d given her a lift to the restaurant and she expected one home but I left without giving her the chance to join.

I don’t even know how I feel tbh. I don’t know what came over her and I feel like the friendship is over.

💐

To storm off from the table and then send quite an unpleasant email - well that's not what you do with genuine friends in my book

OP didn't "storm off". She excused herself and went to the Ladies. If that's storming off, there's an awful lot of people doing it several times a day in restaurants

Look at your scenario the other way round. To announce loudly in a public place that your friend, who has only ever been kind and helpful to you, only gave you money because she regarded you as a charity case and that she'd been telling other friends all about your problems, and to be publicly vitriolic about her - well, that's just not what you do with genuine friends, is it?

I’m not saying what the friend did was right. It absolutely wasn’t.
But it seems crazy to me that a good friend, friends since childhood, would all of a sudden think me a liar and a gossip, think that i look down on them and that I regard them as a charity case, and they feel so strongly about that that they’re willing to embarrass me and blow up our entire friendship over it.
That’s all quite a leap from feeling bad about herself because she’s been gifted some money. Surely it makes more sense that she has reason to believe those things are true? (Not necessarily Ops fault!)

And it still shouldn’t have been handled that way. But I just don’t know many people irl that have wild hysteric reactions over nothing.
Maybe I’m fortunate.

But this was your closest friend, you’ve known her since primary school, you’ve not taken any time to understand why she thinks such a thing. You’ve simply proper went for her in return, you’ve even used the words destroy her, called her a witch. It’s beyond vitriolic in return

Where on earth do you get all this from, @Anniefrenchfry? OP's only communication with the friend has been the email which she copied in at 18.51, i.e.:

"“Your outburst on Saturday night was humiliating for you and completely untrue. I hadn’t even told David* about any money I’d given you never mind the girls. I’m sorry you feel like a charity case. The best way to resolve this is to pay the money back to the following account. I’ve given you £400 in cash. In future, if you feel irate about something that plainly isn’t true, speak to me first to clarify before embarrassing yourself”

She hasn't told the friend she's a witch, she hasn't told her she wants to destroy her, she didn't go for her. And don't you think the friend's behaviour was beyond vitriolic?

Maybe try to read OP's posts properly before posting would be a good idea?

I get ALL of it. I really do. But...

What was your relationship like before? How can you have the most amicable, easy- going relationship, and feel comfortable lending her money, and then after one stupid stupid blurt out when drunk, you've both acted in a way you can't come back from?

Why the scorched earth?

The only old friends I have, I would obviously think they were on something, or something truly weird had happened. I'd be worried about them AND furious.

If you are only friends through habit, only ever exist as a 4, because you still all live close by, and have a big dinner every 6 weeks then maybe that's different.

Maybe she was absolutely desperate, but despises herself for owing you.

But the way it's be described, I'd at least want to know where it came from.

I can’t believe people are giving you a hard time about leaving the table. I would’ve excused myself too. Because it would be that or bursting onto tears at the shock of being attacked like that out of the blue and in such a public way.

@tcjotm

I can’t believe people are giving you a hard time about leaving the table. I would’ve excused myself too. Because it would be that or bursting onto tears at the shock of being attacked like that out of the blue and in such a public way.

I agree, but the email seems the wrong approach to me at this point.

If someone does something that seems so out of character I think if you have actually valued that person as a friend the thing to do is try and figure out what the heck has happened. Maybe it will turn out that the friendship was never worth having, but maybe something completely different is going on here.

No good deed goes unpunished, as they say.

Appalling behaviour from her. She wouldn't be a friend of mine any longer. I think that the message you sent her is spot on.

OP please take no notice of the idiots on this thread giving you a hard time. It's unbelievable that anyone is trying to excuse your "friend's" behaviour, and telling you that you are in the wrong.

No-one who was a true friend would have behaved the way she did, drunk or not, it was inexcusable. I think you are right to ask for the money back after the way she spoke about you in front of other friends. Honestly, for people to think she has any justification to speak about you that way and to think she should be allowed to get away with it is beyond belief. She has shown her true colours and she would never be spoken to again if she had been a "friend" of mine. Who on earth would want someone like that in their life?

@NurseBernard

It’s remarkable the number of people who seem to think the OP is entirely and solely responsible for salvaging this.

The OP was blindsided by her friend’s public outburst. She was accused of gossiping and lying and of doing something she didn’t do.

But according to some on here, the onus is entirely on the OP to rectify this and make amends.

Not on the person responsible for the situation in the first place.

How do people explain or justify this?

I say this as someone who doesn’t believe in cutting off friends, and who knows people make mistakes. I also would be wondering what was going on in the background to trigger this. And I might not have sent the text the OP did.

But I still don’t understand why this is entirely the OP’s situation to fix.

People will justify this kind of behaviour because they also engage in this kind of behaviour. So when they have a senerio laid out before them that shows it they relate it to their own behaviour patterns. They blame the 'giver' because it supports their own decisions to use others and not have to feel grateful/appreciative as they can deem the person they use to not be worthy of it. Disgusting as it is, it's a fairly common pattern.

I'm guessing that whilst your friend took the money she needed it left behind a feeling of resentment. You were happy for her to have the money unconditionally because she's your friend whereas for her unfortunately it made her feel inadequate . Her true feelings have become apparent under the influence of alcohol. It would be a shame to lose the friendship but I can't see the hurt it must have caused.

This is the way i would want to deal with something in my life. I want to have respect for myself. I want to call out bad behaviour when it is called for. I want to tell people that they have crossed the line.

She was in the wrong but it’s definitely a lesson not to give money to friends. As a PP says it can breed inequality and resentment. The most concerning thing for me wouldn’t be the drunken outburst but the fact that she was vitriolic - did it feel like the lid being taken off something? Ball in her court now I guess, and up to you whether you feel comfortable to go on.

Surprised at the criticism the op is receiving and the suggestion that the onus is on her to fix this.

The OP did a generous and kind thing for her friend whilst being loyal in keeping her confidence.

Her friend repaid the op, her long standing friend, by being vicious and disloyal. The OP could have reacted by "outing" the friend but hasn't. The OP can't make the "friend" see reason or change the friend's mindset.

Yes it's a long standing friendship, but it is clear the friend is embarrassed/ resents the OP and that those feelings festered and were released after drinking. The alcohol isn't an excuse. I totally understand others would turn the other cheek, but as i find loyalty to be non-negotiable I wouldn't be able to overlook the betrayal/disloyalty by the friend regardless of the misguided origins / impact of alcohol and allow the friendship to fade as the OP can't save this.

I don't know why on earth she would behave that way in public and carry on like that but the friendship would be 100% over if I were you.
You've done nothing wrong, absolutely nothing, you were being kind helping her financially, and doing it secretly.
I bet the other friends are looking at her in a new light, not a good one either.

@tiggergoesbounce

I am completely on my own here, but i would see this as a friend who was struggling with something or had something going on.*
I certainly wouldn't be asking for the money back of someone who struggles financially.

She made more of a fool of herself than out of you.
...................................................................

I agree 100% .... Friends loan friends money all the time. Of course what she said was just stupid. People say stupid stuff all the time. So who gives a shit that she spilled her guts to other friends.

I would have responded by saying. " Well I haven't told anyone our secret...It was a private matter. That's what friends do." Period the
end.

Friends are hard to come by. I value them as much as I value my husband. To me the OP totally overreacted. The friend was out of order, but not worth losing a friendship over...or asking for her money back. It was a gift given out of friendship.
( I don't understand how OP was humiliated? That she was so generous to give money? That her friend blabbed about it. and thought she had told the others? Big whoop.

And the posts defending the "friend" continue.

I hate it when people play the mental health care to defend poor behaviour.

That friend is not your friend. I thought your email was reasonable; expect she won’t actually want to repay any of the money though

To me the OP totally overreacted. The friend was out of order, but not worth losing a friendship over...or asking for her money back. It was a gift given out of friendship.

The OP overreacted unacceptably but the friend just said something out of order? How about the friend acted unacceptably and the OP responded appropriately.

If your friend has been kind enough to give you money when you needed it and not discuss it with others to save you embarrassment, it's totally unacceptable to go on a rant against her, accusing her of acting superior and breaking your confidence. She called her friend's character into question for no apparent good reason. So how much does she value the friendship if she's prepared to do that?

I think you handled it well. I have been in an almost identical situation completely with my former friend developing an immense resentment of me because I helped her. As my husband said; 'Do someone a favour and they'll never forgive you'.

I wish i had broached it openly with my former friend in the way you did. Instead she has spent the last 6 years snubbing me and bitching about me in public along pretty identical lines and accusing me of behaving like Lady Muck (for getting her out of a financial hole when she begged me to!) to mutual friends.

You have done nothing wrong, and you defended yourself with quite alot of grace at the time and then firmly and with clarity afterwards. I assume she sobered up and is mortified. But the friendship is clearly dead.

"People will justify this kind of behaviour because they also engage in this kind of behaviour"

💯

I see the "Be Kind" brigade are out in force.

What about the ops friend being "Kind".
She didn't even message her with an apology when she sobered up.

The only person in the wrong is the one that started this
Not @searchingforsomethiing who has been generous and kept her side of the bargain.

mental health card, not care.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Sounds like she's struggling with shame and you copped it.

What a bitch she was to you.

Well now you know she's not a friend at all and you have a vacancy for a proper friend.

@searchingforsomethiing please ignore the haters on here. You've been really kind to this friend and clearly she has been simmering with resentment for some time. I think your message to her was fine, and it's very good that your friends backed you to her by telling her they didn't know anything about the money.

I hope she gets over herself and sends you a big apology.