To be gobsmacked at friend

[searchingforsomethiing]

I am part of a group of friends (there are 6 of us) we are all 40 and have known each other since school.

My closest friend in the group I’ve known since primary school. She’s struggled with money in the past due to various things and I’ve always helped her out. I’m in a reasonably high paid job and I’ve given her money and been explicit that a) I didn’t want it back and b) it was between us and not to say it our friends which she was always in agreement with.

Over the past couple of years I’ve given her probably in the region of £400 and done a lot of shopping for her as well get her kids good birthday and Christmas presents. Again there’s no expectation of this in return and I’m glad to help where I can. She’s on a more even keel these days so I haven’t helped in a little while.

Cut to Saturday night, and we were out for dinner with all the other girls. My friend had a bit to drink and announced to the table loudly and that I’d been giving her money because I thought she was a “charity case” and she knew I’d been telling them all privately what I’d been doing. She was really vitriolic about it. I was absolutely mortified and so were the others.

It was incredibly awkward and I excused myself from the table and when I returned it was exceptionally difficult to keep any conversation going because she was obviously unhappy.

I left the meal not long after. I’d given her a lift to the restaurant and she expected one home but I left without giving her the chance to join.

I don’t even know how I feel tbh. I don’t know what came over her and I feel like the friendship is over.

💐

I think you’ve made a mountain out of a molehill OP and it rather seems like you’re all hanging up on her now.

Yes I wouldn’t have been happy at all, but if this is a true friend it sounds like something is seriously wrong. No ones perfect and everyone makes mistakes, especially when drink is involved. It sounds far more upsetting and embarrassing for her than you. And when it sounds like she’s already going through something having all her friends turn on her probably isn’t helping.

I would try not to take it so personally, reach out to her again when you’ve calmed down and explain why you’re upset, and chef what’s going on with her.

@MissAmbrosia again, and I’ll say it louder for people in the back, I excused myself from table calmly.

The more I think about it the more I think whatever triggered her behaviour is irrelevant. You don’t lose the plot publicly and embarrass yourself over something that didn’t happen. Alcohol isn’t an excuse, mental health isn’t an excuse. It was poor behaviour and to be honest it was a pretty low thing to do. Again, with the benefit of speaking to my DH and reading on here, I won’t be chasing someone or trying to understand their behaviour when their opinions of me are so low.

[quote searchingforsomethiing]@MissAmbrosia again, and I’ll say it louder for people in the back, I excused myself from table calmly.

The more I think about it the more I think whatever triggered her behaviour is irrelevant. You don’t lose the plot publicly and embarrass yourself over something that didn’t happen. Alcohol isn’t an excuse, mental health isn’t an excuse. It was poor behaviour and to be honest it was a pretty low thing to do. Again, with the benefit of speaking to my DH and reading on here, I won’t be chasing someone or trying to understand their behaviour when their opinions of me are so low.[/quote]
It’s not an excuse but it can be a reason.

You clearly don’t think she’s a good friend, and it’s fair to think that. But I don’t think you’re coming out of the situation any better. It’s like you’re determined to make this the worst thing someone can do to someone else ever. When it’s really not and she’s embarrassed herself more than she’s embarrassed you.

If that was my oldest friend acting out of character of course what triggered it is important. Did someone else say something to her? Do you even give a shit? As to me this all reads that you have been all Lady Bountiful, added up all the help you have given her over the years, and don't want to get to the bottom of what happened here as presumably she is just meant to be quietly grateful for your generosity. It's patronising.

@MissAmbrosia

If that was my oldest friend acting out of character of course what triggered it is important. Did someone else say something to her? Do you even give a shit? As to me this all reads that you have been all Lady Bountiful, added up all the help you have given her over the years, and don't want to get to the bottom of what happened here as presumably she is just meant to be quietly grateful for your generosity. It's patronising.

OP is a friend, not a therapist.

While the OP's friend was entirely out of order, the outburst came from somewhere, undoubtedly exacerbated by drink. This not an excuse, but it is a possible reason. As mortifying as it was, and is, it's not up to the OP to go digging for the reasons.

However, I'm with ones who question the suggestion of returning the money. It will probably not, as the OP said, resolve the matter. It was given in the first place with no strings attached, and seeking to attach them now is poor form.

The OP's friend has only made herself look foolish by making public what was private, punishment enough.

Of course - but she didn't even speak to her friend. Just sent a pass-agg message asking for the money back.

I applaud your boundaries, OP, and agree that there's nothing wrong with telling your former friend that if your past generosity has become such a burden to her that she feels the need to lash out and slander you to mutual friends, that the best thing for her conscience would be to repay the money.

It's unlikely to buy the friendship back after such a breach of trust (only an extremely honest confession of what was really going on and an apology would do that), but at least it would be a concrete way to show she had some remorse for her behaviour and allow her to recover some dignity.

@MissAmbrosia

Yes - nowhere does OP say anything about wondering what triggered such behaviour. If this was truly a really old friend of many years and money was freely given, I would want to understand first what happened to make her kick of like this? Did someone say something to her? To storm off from the table and then send quite an unpleasant email - well that's not what you do with genuine friends in my book. Not without taking them aside and asking what is happening. It all sounds like one of those threads to get everyone in a froth. "Ooh look at uber generous me - and isn't my friend a bitch " If this was my friend of 30 years I would have spoken to her first and foremost.

The OP didn’t ‘storm off from the table’. 🤷🏻‍♀️

That’s awful. For everyone. There are no winners. Sounds like you made the right decision to leave the table and not let things escalate…

From everything you’ve said, I’d assume she has been feeling embarrassed, ashamed, self conscious and angry about the situation. She probably feels like a charity case and can’t bear the feeling. Maybe she’s started to resent you and your ability to help her because she feels helpless and less of a success.

If any of that’s true, she might have been ruminating, building a rather paranoid narrative in her head, where she convinced herself that her worst fears are coming true… that you’ve told everyone about her issues and about accepting your generosity and money… that you’ve exposed her most vulnerable parts… the bits she’s so ashamed and humiliated by, for everyone to see.

The tragedy is, you didn’t. She did.

But that’s so often the case.

If her worst fear is being exposed and people knowing she needed financial support and that others view her with pity… she may have been stressing out about people hearing about it. Consumed with embarrassment.

It’s the agonising anticipation that something bad will happen that tortures some people… the anticipation becomes worse than the bad thing itself… and they end up exploding and bringing it upon themselves. Sometimes it Is almost a relief, to get it over with- to take back control and announce ‘I’m no fool, I know you’re all judging me, don’t think I don’t know, I’m not stupid!’

But now she really is the fool. Because she got it all wrong.

She might feel so mortified now that she just continues bulldozing her way down a very self destructive path.

She’s not your responsibility. You did no wrong. But I do feel sorry for her. She’s obviously not coping very well and appears very insecure. And all this will only serve to make her feel more insecure and incapable.

You say she was angry. Angry is so often sad’s bodyguard.

I suspect she is actually very sad… but for the purposes of self preservation she ends up expressing anger instead.

She’s in a lonely place now.

Everyone banging on about it not being nice of op to demand the money back a) she's still only asking for a proportion (I.e the cash) of the money she spent on her friend,not adding up everything including groceries,expensive presents and b) she's suggesting that the easiest way not to feel like a charity case would be to pay the money back. Which is completely right,it would be the easiest way! If friend now has enough money to go out for a meal shes clearly not conpletely skint and could sort out a payment plan if she really wanted to. Plus OP is just making the point,it's not as though she's threatened friend with small claims court or anything! Tbh I doubt very much OP will get anything back but I personally completely agree that it's the right way to respond to someone complaining about you by offering a way to negate whatever they are annoyed about.

If that was my oldest friend acting out of character of course what triggered it is important.

It's the friend's responsibility to convey what motivated her to treat the OP with such disrespect, not the OP's to go running after her begging for explanations.

The OP is more than fair in saying "It appears that you find my financial generosity a burden rather than a relief, so please feel free to alleviate yourself of that burden by giving me the money back."

If the friend has a more nuanced reason for her disgraceful behaviour than "I'm an ungrateful bitch who doesn't appreciate help given in good faith" then it's really up to her to correct this misinterpretation.

@MissAmbrosia perhaps it would have been better form for my friend to have messaged me when she’d sobered up with an apology. Would
You have sat round a table with someone who spouted nonsense about you to others and then been ever so kind in how you approached them?

There’s nothing patronising about what I’ve said to her. I’ve helped her when she needed it and said nothing when I sat at a table and was publicly called a gossip and a liar. Why should I be digging for answers?

She doesn’t want to be seen as a charity case so she’s been given an option to relieve herself of that feeling if she wants.

tbh she just sounds like she'd had a bit too much to drink, maybe she was worried beforehand that the group see her as the 'poor one' or a 'charity case'. I think most people have done and said stupid things when drunk. I certainly wouldn't be cutting my friend out over this.

tbh she just sounds like she'd had a bit too much to drink, maybe she was worried beforehand that the group see her as the 'poor one' or a 'charity case'.

Worrying that everyone sees her as a charity case is one thing but accusing her kind friend of breaking her confidence and bitching about her behind her back to the others is quite another thing.

More recently, I've been in a position to help others in the way OP has helped her (former) friend. I've not found it at all easy.

As PPs have pointed out, it does breed fear and resentment.

My way has been to offer and if they offer, to ask them to 'pay it forward' rather than back to me. This leaves them with the idea that this is just a temporary hitch and that at some point soon they will be in the happy position of helping someone in their turn.

Don't know or care whether they do ever 'pass it forward' It does seem to be a way that help can be offered and accepted with the terrible guilt which may have scuppered OP's kind gestures.

I think you handled it fine, your former friend didn’t obviously.

People do stupid things when drunk and can (sometimes) be forgiven for that. Unfortunately what’s she did was not just stupid it showed how she really felt and there’s no undoing that.

It’s remarkable the number of people who seem to think the OP is entirely and solely responsible for salvaging this.

The OP was blindsided by her friend’s public outburst. She was accused of gossiping and lying and of doing something she didn’t do.

But according to some on here, the onus is entirely on the OP to rectify this and make amends.

Not on the person responsible for the situation in the first place.

How do people explain or justify this?

I say this as someone who doesn’t believe in cutting off friends, and who knows people make mistakes. I also would be wondering what was going on in the background to trigger this. And I might not have sent the text the OP did.

But I still don’t understand why this is entirely the OP’s situation to fix.

Sounds like she fucked up for sure but if she was truly a great friend you could probably have got over this with a conversation instead of sending her an equally nasty message back. Two wrongs don’t make a right. I think you’ll regret this when you’ve calmed down

I’m sure you are being totally honest and didn’t even tell one person op. But if you had and that person had told her you could understand why the outburst would happen. Plus they’d deny telling her.

I think you need to understand Shes got it into her head that you have done that, and then lied about it, and of course now demanded the gifted money back, which would be beyond an awful way to treat someone .

But it is what she thinks has happened, and why she’s not apologised. It’s not what’s happened but for some reason that’s what she thinks you’ve done to her.

But this was your closest friend, you’ve known her since primary school, you’ve not taken any time to understand why she thinks such a thing. You’ve simply proper went for her in return, you’ve even used the words destroy her, called her a witch. It’s beyond vitriolic in return.

For two people who claim to be best friends since primary school it’s a shocking way to treat each other.

She’s bitter about being broke and her anger has got misdirected ar you. I’m sorry OP the friendship is over, she’s shown how she really feels.

I had a weird thing recently where I put on a lot of weight and didn’t fit any of my clothes. Offered them to a close friend as the clothes were expensive and I knew they’d fit her perfectly. She happily accepted maybe £2000 worth of clothes, then ghosted me. Gutted as our DDs were close.

People are weird.

What sort of message does this send about supporting our friends if they act like this?

Awful behaviour from her and very embarassing. She has told you who she is. I wouldn't even have messaged her afterwards. I would cut her off dead.

One thing a very wise old friend said to me is that when you give things away for free people don't appreciate them because they are unable to see the value. So if you have a skill or knowledge that someone wants you always charge them for it. You don't give it away for free or offer ridiculously low mates' rates. In the case of your friend, you could have lent her the money but asked her to pay it back to you within an agreed timescale; 3 months, 6 months. a year?

@NurseBernard

It’s remarkable the number of people who seem to think the OP is entirely and solely responsible for salvaging this.

The OP was blindsided by her friend’s public outburst. She was accused of gossiping and lying and of doing something she didn’t do.

But according to some on here, the onus is entirely on the OP to rectify this and make amends.

Not on the person responsible for the situation in the first place.

How do people explain or justify this?

I say this as someone who doesn’t believe in cutting off friends, and who knows people make mistakes. I also would be wondering what was going on in the background to trigger this. And I might not have sent the text the OP did.

But I still don’t understand why this is entirely the OP’s situation to fix.

Because the friend isn’t here asking for advice. If they were I’m sure they’d receive similar. Because good adult relationships don’t work on tit for tat, or getting revenge. If this was my childhood friend I wouldn’t be trying to destroy her or never speak to her until she came to me because of one - albeit disgusting - outburst. I’d look at why she was so upset in the first place, if this is out of character for her. And if there had been a misunderstanding, perhaps she thinks the op has really been gossiping about her which would be horrible, in her mind the op then has started it. Then no one will apologise first if they do it your way.

I’d want an apology and to talk it out, but I’d assume it wasn’t just that she’s a bitch and it’s all her problem to resolve because it’s her fault originally.