Just found out OW is having a baby from 10 year old

[LexieB]

My husband left 1.5 years ago after having an affair. Just before bed my 10 year old let me know she’s pregnant. His dad told him to keep it secret. He did for a week but said he couldn’t anymore as it was upsetting him. My older 2 children didn’t even know. When he left us he was all like OW doesn’t want children she was 28 he’s 42 wtf
I’m left doing all the childcare with our 3. Older 2 refuse to go. Just feel really sad for my kids. He gets his child free weekends every other week well at the moment. I’m literally never on my own.

Op has repeatedly stated she’s love all 3 to spend time with him. She isn’t obstructing, would love him to have them and she’d get free time to live her new life.
Her list of things she’s like him to do are basic parenting - kick a football with 10 yr old, visit his daughter in hospital, drive a teen to their mates house. He’s not doing any of that. He’s no father to any of the children he’s got.

@LexieB

ummmm my DD recorded him being abusive to us and calling me a C#%T for asking him to take her to dancing. She then demanded school took him off school parents evening

That changes everything if there is abuse towards your child I would seek legal advice and support from the school. I would seek support from a charity to find out what are the best steps for your child. Can you find out if any contact is actually suitable and if so would you need supervised visits etc ?

The fact that he's asked his youngest to lie to you would bother me greatly. He's basically teaching your dc it's ok to lie to you. Does he not realise how bad that is. What if another adult does something to him and that adult tells him to keep it a secret. He's already teaching his dc to keep secrets for adults. Good on your dc for telling you.

he kept asking my solicitor to sign off divorce asap even though he’s not provided correct documents. Now we know why

I reiterate i would like him to do more. It will be me going to drama GCSE production. Year 13 leavers drinks. he does nothing. I even invited him at xmas!

@LexieB

well it’s dragging on as he would not supply correct financial documents

Don’t you dare sign the decree absolute until the consent order is in place that was the biggest mistake I made and I’ve regretted it every day for 10 years.

Hmm it sounds such a messy situation. Maybe even more confusing as one minute you say he is no contact and you cant coparent then the next youre inviting him to Xmas and you asked him to take your daughter to dancing? Why do you think he would bother if he is no contact? I think you need to give up with him OP and not bother. Have no expectations. I am a single mum and I realised pretty quickly not to expect anything from my ExH, he was a waste of space. He pays little CM despite living in a nice house and driving a nice car. For a while I was bitter, sayin things like I cant stand him, hate him etc etc, but I now dont even care, he can crack on and I will do my thing being a good mum. Get divorced asap, think you can get your Nisi done even without finances sorted. That helped me mentally move on even when things were still shit looking back. Manage your expectations that he will be shit and you wont be disappointed. As for your 10yrold, he is lucky to have you and hopefully he will be able to move on and get his head round a new brother.

@LexieB

ummmm my DD recorded him being abusive to us and calling me a C#%T for asking him to take her to dancing. She then demanded school took him off school parents evening

Ok after that maybe it's for the best your kids don't see him much. What an evil man.

well it was the xmas first after he left. I suppose find it hard to reconcile who he was with who he is now. and I didn’t think it was fair on my ‘childfree’ weekends i was still doing all the lifts. I think i just have to accept it now. i’ll just focus on my kids now and not fill my headspace hoping he’ll act a certain way when it’s clear he won’t

Yes that's the best "revenge" let him be nothing to you. If you talk to him its just like talking to the dentist to make an appointment or something

In NI in the area I live we have 'contact centres' run by charities I'm not sure where you are based but if your in Ireland a quick Google search and you will find some

This isn't aimed at the OP as she clearly doesn't think this way...but it's a bit sad how many posters are telling her that it should be a consolidation that the children will realise their dad is awful and won't want to see them.

Berk’s fallen for the I Don’t Want Children play. And there won’t just be the one.

Laugh OP, I am.

@LexieB

I reiterate i would like him to do more. It will be me going to drama GCSE production. Year 13 leavers drinks. he does nothing. I even invited him at xmas!

But surely that’s his loss?

And you’d go anyway?

And him not being there makes it more enjoyable for you and less tense for your daughter?

@SnackSizeRaisin completely agree. OP hasn't said any of this so not directed at her, but can't quite believe the stuff written on this thread, basically wishing the new baby an unhappy life and that the children hate their dad. Not to mention the ageist stuff about the Ex being older and finding parenting harder/tougher when you're in your 40s. Sounds like most of the posters hate their kids and spending time with them! Can't stress enough not aimed at OP though, she sounds like she cherishes her kids

@LexieB

yes the 10 year old enjoys being baby of the family. The older 2 don’t want to be involved with the child they don’t even see OW. Also youngest worried dad won’t spend time with him and how annoying screaming baby will be. I work, get no help in week, the dad lives 1.5 hours away, Hes already reduced what he pays us. Divorce still going through.

When the baby arrives

I would be gob smacked of they don’t want to have a relationship with their baby half brother

They’ll likely meet him for the first time
Swoon
And that will be the beginning of their relationship with their half sibling

And hopefully you will be entirely supportive of that

@LexieB

ummmm my DD recorded him being abusive to us and calling me a C#%T for asking him to take her to dancing. She then demanded school took him off school parents evening

Why are you so desperate for this man to have more time with your children?!

I actually don’t even know anymore

My 17 year old refuses to meet the new ‘Partner’ let alone a baby. He doesn’t want to but of course I’ll support him if he changes his mind

@LexieB

I actually don’t even know anymore

I think that’s clear

You’re still stuck in this idea of what he SHOULD be doing.

He’s NOT doing it. And never has. So you need to focus on all the gold you’ve listed

Plus fact your children are 18, 16 and 10/11. These are ages that really you should be expecting to have some time on your hands!!

@LexieB

My 17 year old refuses to meet the new ‘Partner’ let alone a baby. He doesn’t want to but of course I’ll support him if he changes his mind

He’s 17 He’s hurt Still so raw and recent

I’d be gov smacked if a he matures he softens massively re his half brother

yes let’s hope so as he’s already an incredible brother and gorgeous lad! so lucky!

Good god, I can’t believe you apologised for your very valid feelings on this thread OP!

Did he move 1.5 hours away as well as cheating on you, betraying and breaking up his family and only paying minimal maintenance which is no where enough to cover the costs of children?

Now he’s having a new family which is going to cause further massive emotional upheaval for his existing DC, probably going to reduce child maintenance and got his young son to keep something secret that greatly upset him?

Not only that but he has allowed the tramp he cheated on you with to be sole point of contact in your interactions about your DC. Talk about rub her in your face! She wouldn’t even have my number if I was you and I wouldn’t respond to anything she said if she got it.

They think they can walk all over you.

My DC of that age wouldn’t be spending any time at his house if I couldn’t contact their father, and him alone, either.

I don’t agree at all with PP saying you need to keep out of it so your son doesn’t see what an absolute bastard his Dad is. He’s old enough to know. I’d not want my DC to think they can behave like this to their partner and children as an adult! I’d tell DS it was unforgivable that his Dad gave him such big news (about her being pregnant) and make him keep it secret so he couldn’t talk about his worries with anyone so he had to bottle it up. I’d refuse to let him go there again until his Dad gave me his number and was clear that I would not communicate any further with her. I’d also tell DS that he doesn’t have to go to stay with them if he doesn’t want to. I’d also not hold back on telling the selfish bastard what I thought of him.

He’s not got his DC’s best interests at heart and there’s no way I’d try to facilitate a relationship with him. Why do women have to do that, no matter what?

Of course according to MN. you’re a woman who’s been cheated on, left to do all donkey work and deal with the emotional fallout with DC and go to work as well while he pays a fraction of their costs, moves miles away to live the single life with his OW who he’s now having a baby with to further emotionally and financially impact your DC but it’s been a 18 months, get over it and stop being ‘bitter’ OP.

Must be lots of OW on here.

Of course according to MN. you’re a woman who’s been cheated on, left to do all donkey work and deal with the emotional fallout with DC and go to work as well while he pays a fraction of their costs, moves miles away to live the single life with his OW who he’s now having a baby with to further emotionally and financially impact your DC but it’s been a 18 months, get over it and stop being ‘bitter’ OP. *

Yeah exactly OP.
*
I'm open mouthed at the posters simply saying he's moved on and so should she!!

Like how?? When he's left his three hurt children for her to deal with! She can hardly say she'll have them two nights a fortnight and swan off to Ibiza leaving three children at home can she? Where would they go? Into care? Or is she going to prison for abandoning her children?

It's most definitely not a case of what's sauce for the goose being sauce for the gander I can't get my head around people implying it is.