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Original poster

Just found out OW is having a baby from 10 year old

320 replies

LexieB · 28/03/2022 08:39

My husband left 1.5 years ago after having an affair. Just before bed my 10 year old let me know she’s pregnant. His dad told him to keep it secret. He did for a week but said he couldn’t anymore as it was upsetting him. My older 2 children didn’t even know. When he left us he was all like OW doesn’t want children she was 28 he’s 42 wtf
I’m left doing all the childcare with our 3. Older 2 refuse to go. Just feel really sad for my kids. He gets his child free weekends every other week well at the moment. I’m literally never on my own.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/03/2022 13:11

@LexieB

I don’t want to do anything about it! I felt upset after finding out. Apologies
You do NOT have to apologise for having feelings about it, honestly! Of course you're upset - it's understandable.

And there is nothing you can do about it anyway, except manage your 10yo's feelings, when he gets edged out (as I'm almost certain he will be) and carry on the way you have been doing.

Your older kids are nearly of an age where they should be able to help you more - once the oldest one can drive, maybe they could take turns with driving the middle one to her activity every other weekend, for example?

(((hugs))) for you, anyway - it's a rough situation you're in and I hope that your divorce comes through soon so you can distance yourself more from him.

springtimeishereagain · 28/03/2022 13:15

I think the OP is getting a really hard time here from some people who are lacking in empathy.

OP does all the parenting for 2 out of their 3 dc. Her third dc only sees their dad EOW.

OP and her ex are still married - he couldn't even wait until they were divorced before getting the new woman pg.

An extra child will mean less maintenance for OP's children. So OP will have to make up the difference.

The OW has been a bitch in the whole process, telling OP's ex never to talk to OP again so they can't effectively co-parent.

And her ex told his child to keep the news a secret from OP. No wonder OP is feeling bruised and battered by all this.

This new baby is no blessing for her.

ButterfliesAndPancakes · 28/03/2022 13:16

You need to let it go @LexieB I remember when my ex-husband had a baby with his new girlfriend, it was like a punch in the gut. However, they spilt up, for the same reasons we did and he’s now had another kid with someone else.

Seriously, don’t worry about what your stupid ex is doing and focus on your own life.

Remember this, when a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy. This woman may think your ex-husband is all wonderful now but once the reality of dirty nappies etc hits he’ll be off again.

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 28/03/2022 13:17

I think you have the problem of feeling the responsibility for what your ex is doing to your son and your other dc.

I had exactly that, my ex was a disappointing father and wasn't always available.

The solution is PLEASE don't feel guilt or responsibility but just comfort your son. It will do more than you know.

I grew up with a terrible parent and it would have gone a long way just to get empathy and sympathy.

You are doing a great job and comforting your children will help so much.

Original poster
LexieB · 28/03/2022 13:21

well he could of left at anytime or communicated that rather than have an affair

OP posts:
welshladywhois40 · 28/03/2022 13:22

It's ok they are having a baby. It's not ok they couldn't talk to you about it first to either help prepare you and your children.

I am a step mother. My partner has an older child. When I got pregnant - we told his sons mum before the son. Then she helped prepare his son so it all felt natural and not scarey

Original poster
LexieB · 28/03/2022 13:24

Honestly It’s been less than 24 hours i’m just processing the info and will whack on a smile for when the kids come back. I’ve heard both sides and people’s opinions and have taken them on board. I just wanted to let my feelings out somewhere. Nothing more. A new life is exciting. Babies are gorgeous. Good luck to them. my ex has zero communication with me so will carry on making decisions best i can. I’ve always encouraged the children to have a relationship with their dad and have never stopped them seeing him and never would.

OP posts:
SleeplessInEngland · 28/03/2022 13:25

The word order of this thread's title is eyebrow raising.

Original poster
LexieB · 28/03/2022 13:25

@welshladywhois40

It's ok they are having a baby. It's not ok they couldn't talk to you about it first to either help prepare you and your children.

I am a step mother. My partner has an older child. When I got pregnant - we told his sons mum before the son. Then she helped prepare his son so it all felt natural and not scarey

that’s lovely, that’s the situation i would have liked but it’s impossible,
OP posts:
AngelinaFibres · 28/03/2022 13:27

@LexieB

It’s the fact he said family like wasn’t as fun as he thought it would be so surprised he’s having another
He may well be quite surprised too Op. Well done on doing a degree. That is fantastic . You are allowed to feel exactly as you do. I can understand absolutely every feeling you have. Concentrate on making your life the best it can be, not just as a mum ,but as a person. It will hurt now and you will have a wobble when the baby arrives. It wont hurt forever. I was absolutely knocked for 6 when my exhusband did what he did. Sadly we cannot see into the future , if we could I would have helped him pack and waved him off. It will.all come good Flowers
Original poster
LexieB · 28/03/2022 13:30

yes want to stay positive! just was doing so much better. i think mother’s day was just hard yesterday as miss my mum

OP posts:
tkwal · 28/03/2022 13:31

OW seemingly told him he wasn't allowed to speak to you ? How can that be ? How can it actually have happened? You still have 3 kids with the wuss, surely some form of communication is inevitable ?. The news about the new baby should have come to you from him directly. Your poor son has kept this, along with his worries about possible implications for his future to himself for a week. Your ex is the lowest of the low. I reckon he's hoping for some kind of explosive reaction from you and maybe also that you will keep your 10 year old away. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction (unless your youngest really doesn't want to go )

ClawedButler · 28/03/2022 13:40

Vent away, @LexieB, this is a safe place to let all your hurt and confusion out so you can be strong for your kids.

FWIW, I think you're doing a fantastic job as a parent. The fact that your kids can talk to you about this is a testament to the loving, open and supportive environment you've created.

It must be hard to watch your kids struggling. No-one deserves such a crap father. It says a lot more about him than it does about your DC that he has little to no relationship with them. If he doesn't want them to be a big part of his life, it's not because they're unwantable. It's because he's a tw@.

merryhouse · 28/03/2022 13:41

The number of people who've said things like "they've been together 1.5 years, it's not surprising she's pregnant"....

Bloody Hell. No wonder there are so many single parents about [OldGimmerAlert]

NdefH81 · 28/03/2022 13:42

@LexieB

my year 13 child always has free periods the days I don’t work! bad timing. I’m starting a degree in September and working. Of course they can change their minds and do what they want but it does have an impact. I can have feelings.
Surely your year 13 is really not “childcare”??

Op I think you’re making a bit of a mountain out of a molehill in terms of childcare of two late teens and a 10/11 year old

I have these ages and I’m a single parent.

Nothappyatwork · 28/03/2022 13:42

I would piss myself laughing … theres no fool like an old fool OP, he just put a ball and chain on his other leg for 18 years at least. What a pillock

Original poster
LexieB · 28/03/2022 13:43

like I say all points taken on board.

OP posts:
GaryTheCat · 28/03/2022 13:46

Aww, OP, I’ve been where you are Flowers

When I chucked my crap exH out he barely bothered with his kids. Only had them when he had to when I was on call for me job. Didn’t so much as buy them a toothbrush in his flat with new gf. I literally did everything and had zero child free time.

When he bought his dream house with new gf I was absolutely gutted. I thought how come he gets to waltz off into the sunset into his new shiny life leaving me with all the crap and no time to meet anyone.

But then natural justice occurred. His relationship didn’t last long, he had to buy his way out of that house (losing a lot of mjney) and his new gf now doesn’t want to live with him and he’s just drifting about like the twat he is.

My teenage girls see him for who he is (an acquaintance who lives down the road, gets in touch every now and again) he contributes nothing to our life.

Our life is very rich in every way compared to his.

I know you don’t feel this right now. I know it hurts. But I guarantee you’ll come up smelling of roses.

Think of him and his sleep less nights and nappy changing. Haha…

Original poster
LexieB · 28/03/2022 13:46

I guess my kids liked having their dad around and I feel bad for them. It’s the small things. Quick game of footie in the garden, a lift to a friends, a tea and chat in the morning. Obviously teenagers don’t really want to hang around with their parents. I guess so much childcare but endless washing, shopping. Whilst the ex enjoys 4 nights a week to himself and EOW no having to worry about anyone’s schedule and who needs to be where

OP posts:
bubblesbubbles11 · 28/03/2022 13:46

"merryhouse Mon 28-Mar-22 13:41:12"

I totally agree with this ^.

Especially as apparently this woman is 14 years younger than the exH and is 28 yrs old so on paper at least (assuming no other factors) there is no reason why she must urgently get pregnant asap - they could have waited longer than a year and a half and could have waited at least until he was divorced from OP.

Original poster
LexieB · 28/03/2022 13:46

maybe your a better parent that me.

OP posts:
bubblesbubbles11 · 28/03/2022 13:48

OP - having been in a similar situation myself (exH and his partner and their toddler deliberately moved an hour and a half from where me and his first two children live) there is some silver lining from not having to bump into them on a day to day basis (if he had decided to stay in the same village where we lived before etc).

But in my case the OP has also dictated very limited communication between exH and me so I totally get what you say about co-parenting being difficult if nigh on impossible.

Nothappyatwork · 28/03/2022 13:49

@LexieB it’s all really quite raw for you at the moment but as everybody has said to you in five years time you have your freedom you’ll be able to literally do whatever it is that pleases you and not only that you’ll be able to look back and know that you did everything for your children. You don’t get any thanks for it that’s just not how this works. But you know in your heart you were a good mum you did your best and then you get to enjoy the next 40 years of your life.

Original poster
LexieB · 28/03/2022 13:50

thank you. I would of loved to be Chris Martin and Gwyenth Paltrow. Until
it happened to me i never would of understood feelings involved. like i said i’m just feeling sensitive today. I feel on rocky ground and the future looks uncertain but sure i’ll be ok

OP posts:
Riseholme · 28/03/2022 13:51

It's tough OP.
I remember though when dd's school was having building work done so they couldn't return until 2nd week of September.
We took the opportunity to go to France with Keycamp as much cheaper.
Everyday around 6pm there would be older men with toddlers hanging round the play area looking bored and weary.
I honestly think that most of them were 2nd marriages.
I remarked to dh that the first wives were at least unlikely to be stuck with babies again.
Yes it's hard doing it all yourself but your ex has got another 18 years of this. He'll be 60 by then.

Take care of yourself.