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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If having kids is so awful, why do we do it?

301 replies

Lilybow · 27/03/2022 12:36

Pregnant with my first and in my third trimester. The majority of things other mums tell me are:

"You think you're tired now, you will have a shock when baby is here"
"You and your husband will never go out together alone again"
"Your social life is gone"
"Baby will demand your attention 24/7 and you will be desperate for 5 mins to yourself"
"Hardest thing you'll ever do"
"I hope your baby doesn't have colic, you don't want that"

I'm not under any illusions that parenthood will be easy, and i know my life will change, but I'll be honest I'm pretty terrified as apart from the occasional "oh how exciting" comment, people keep telling me how hard/boring/exhausting it is and how my life is over.
I need some reassurance that my life isn't over and it's not that horrific.

OP posts:
velvet24 · 27/03/2022 18:42

The poster saying about the huge gamble is spot on, you don't know what you will get, a lovely easy going child, a difficult one, one that's hard to love, one with abnormalities then you will never get your life back as mentioned, it is a huge huge risk we all take, I'm sure in the majority of cases it works out, its VERY hard, lots of ups and downs.

RussianSpy101 · 27/03/2022 18:51

@LuckyWithMyLot I have 3 children. I have had long lunches with friends while babies napped, spa days when children were either in nursery / school / with dad.
I shop very frequently as I love fashion. I really fail to see how being a mum stops you going shopping or out for lunch?

BingBangB0ng · 27/03/2022 18:52

It’s not awful, it’s the best thing I’ve ever done and makes me feel happy and complete in a way nothing else ever has.

I’m also constantly shattered, often mildly bedraggled and occasionally completely touched out. (I’ve got a 2.5 year old and a three month old)

again2020 · 27/03/2022 19:12

It's amazing Op, honestly.

And I'm saying that as someone who was diagnosed with post partum psychosis, which is pretty rare.
The worst bit is the sleep deprivation, the first month or two are very hard but some babies sleep well from birth, hopefully you may have one of those (it seemed my friends all did 😂). I was the opposite to you, no one told me what it was like and I found the shock enormous. It sounds like you are much more prepared already!
You find ways to cope with the hard days and they pass. Each stage goes by so fast. It's fascinating watching your baby grow up, then they become a little person before you know it, following you everywhere and saying the funniest things. They become your best friend 😊
Even when I wasnt too well I still have wonderful memories of when my daughter was a baby. I used to love parent and baby cinema and going for walks over the hills with the baby carrier, as well as going to get her weighed and baby massage classes.
4 years later I want to freeze her in time 😂 and I'm considering a 2nd!
If I can do it, you will surely do fine!!
Best of luck Flowers x

BingBangB0ng · 27/03/2022 19:16

@Lilybow

I don't think it helps that I'm so exhausted at the moment, I've never been so tired and I'm feeling drained and sick from how tired I am to the point of tears. And everyone telling me that I'm going to feel worse has sent me in a panic :(
I found pregnancy tiredness with a toddler significantly harder than I found a newborn and toddler, and all the sleep deprivation that comes with that.
Lifeisaminestrone · 27/03/2022 19:42

Having a child is the best thing in the world.
I have never regretted it, only just wished time went slower.
I don’t even particularly like children but I
love my daughter more than anything.

VerityPJohnson · 27/03/2022 19:43

Because people look for meaning in life. Raising children a) gives you a purpose and b) no time to have an existential crisis anyway.

BookFiend4Life · 27/03/2022 19:45

I hate comments like those OP. I don't know why people constantly feel the need to "tell it like it is" especially when everyone's experience is different!

I love being a mom, it's the best thing I've ever done in my life. This is the most intense joy I've ever experienced, the relationship is amazing. My partner is an amazing dad and equal parenting partner. I have so much more hope about the world and feel like I have so many things to look forward to, the world seems beautiful and new to me. Seeing my daughter grow and learn and experience new things fills me with wonder!

BookFiend4Life · 27/03/2022 19:48

OP physically you should feel MUCH better a few weeks after the baby is born. You will be tired sometimes but hopefully not exhausted in your bones. Do you have family support? What about a partner? That can make a big difference. Don't feel bad demanding to nap for a few hours.

ChiaraRimini · 27/03/2022 19:56

It's not the children that are the problem IMHO it's the lack of support that many mums have to help shoulder the burden. Eg, if their partner is crap/ they don't have family support/they don't have enough money to pay for childcare, cleaners etc.
If all the childcare and work around the house is left to the mum on her own it is exhausting and depressing.

MangoLipstick · 27/03/2022 20:04

The only comments I got were things to do with sleep, like ‘welcome to the no sleep club’
Whilst that was true in the early days and I’ve still not had a full nights unbroken sleep in 2.5 years - it’s not something that bothers me, tbh!

I love being a mother. I’ve slowed down and genuinely see the world in a different way now because I’m looking at it through the eyes of my toddler dc. It’s a wonderful thing. I appreciate more & take joy in the little things in life. The excitement my dd gets from seeing a daisy or a bee, or getting an ice cream. Those morning hugs and little kisses. You can’t beat it.

I was happy before I had dd & I’m even happier now.

I fully intend to carry on enjoying these early years and beyond with dd - they fly by far to quickly.

MrsLighthouse · 27/03/2022 20:30

It’s no picnic and the parents that say all the things you list aren’t lying .You don’t get out of it what you put into it and that’s a fact 😆 But it’s an unmissable wild ride and l wouldn’t have missed it for the world .( 4 kids 26yrs down to 10 …)

Thumpkin · 27/03/2022 20:33

I think it’s absolutely impossible to say when there are so many variables at play. Is the baby born with any ailments? Is the father helpful and responsible? Do you have enough money? Are you a poor sleeper or anxious? Was the birth straight forward? Can family help if needed? It’s all very well for some people to say having a baby is the best thing ever or something the regret, but their circumstances have everything to do with it! So, my advice is totally ignore every single other person and their opinion: they aren’t you and their babies aren’t yours!

Witchcraftandhokum · 27/03/2022 20:51

We don't all do it. I didn't, and reading stuff on here makes me so glad I didn't.

Sofiegiraffe · 27/03/2022 20:53

@FudgeSundae

It’s the best and hardest thing ever. Life is impossible and wonderful. It’s a privilege raising these funny, sweet people, but it’s terrifyingly hard work.

This is the most accurate description of parenting for me. Spot on.

PinkSyCo · 27/03/2022 21:03

Because we are biologically programmed to want kids, otherwise the human race would die out. Plus parenthood brings lots of joy as well as stress.

LegoLady95 · 27/03/2022 21:04

Nobody ever said anything like this to me when I was expecting any of my kids.

Perhaps the people around you are just miseries??

We all generally have kids for the same reasons, and whilst it is hard work for sure, it is pretty rare for us to regret it because the positives generally outweigh the negatives.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 27/03/2022 21:39

You mainly read about the difficulties on mumsnet over the positives.

In RL the positive outweighs the negative by miles.

Similarly with relationship threads OP's don't post the good stuff.

Tbf there was many threads over the years about great DC which usually ended up with a pile on with accusations of stealth bragging towards the OP.

You can't win.

alphabetQ · 27/03/2022 21:39

For me I was so, so much more exhausted pregnant than I ever was once the babies were born—and that was with twins! Everyone's different—you might find it the most tiring/difficult thing you've ever done, or you might not.

So many people told me my life would be over and I'd be bored out of my mind etc etc and it wasn't like that at all. Not to say there wasn't the odd day I'd be counting the minutes till my partner came home, or that I wasn't napping at every opportunity, but it was far from the hardest thing ever and was by a long way the most rewarding and (surprisingly) fun time of my life.

Olinguita · 27/03/2022 21:40

It's hard to convey how wonderful it is until you have your own baby. I have a baby who was colicky and is now an appalling sleeper but the joy he has brought me has been the biggest surprise of motherhood. It outshines the crappy/tough bits in ways that I would NEVER have thought possible pre-kids, and I (like you) was really worried in pregnancy about how much of a grind motherhood would be. I hope I don't sound like a crazy person but you have so much to look forward to

Pinchofnom · 27/03/2022 21:43

Being a mother has brought me happiness I didn’t w even know existed - it’s such a cliché statement I know but I honestly mean it.

It’s bloody hard work but so worth it and having children definitely made me a better person and healed old wounds for me.

Asthenia · 27/03/2022 21:44

OP I have an 11 week old DD and I love it. The first 4 weeks were exhausting as I was recovering from birth and we were finding our groove but once we figured things out a bit more it became so much easier. There are so many lovely things - the sweet weight of her in my arms when she’s asleep, the scent of her hair, her smile, the way she looks at me like I’m a celebrity, seeing her learn new things. We’ve been lucky that as yet she doesn’t have any issues (colic etc must be horrendous) but like you I read these threads about hating having kids while I was pregnant and terrified myself!
Even during nights when she’s up every couple of hours and I’m knackered I just look at her sweet face and I don’t even care. I also remind myself that this won’t be forever - there will come a day when she doesn’t need me in the night (and that even makes me feel a bit sad).
Best of luck with it all OP!

beenaroundtheblox · 27/03/2022 21:51

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Because nobody tells you how awful it is and when you've had one it's too late.
🤣 this is how I feel y.
TheGoogleMum · 27/03/2022 22:05

Well they're warning you because the adjustment is hard! But you'll experience a love like no other (maybe not immediately- it took me a while to feel more than obligation). Once they start being able to show you love back it makes the hard bits feel more worthwhile

rhowton · 27/03/2022 22:06

I'm coming through the horrible years. Youngest is 3, and I feel like I'm starting to thrive instead of survive.