If having kids is so awful, why do we do it?

[Lilybow]

Pregnant with my first and in my third trimester. The majority of things other mums tell me are:

"You think you're tired now, you will have a shock when baby is here"
"You and your husband will never go out together alone again"
"Your social life is gone"
"Baby will demand your attention 24/7 and you will be desperate for 5 mins to yourself"
"Hardest thing you'll ever do"
"I hope your baby doesn't have colic, you don't want that"

I'm not under any illusions that parenthood will be easy, and i know my life will change, but I'll be honest I'm pretty terrified as apart from the occasional "oh how exciting" comment, people keep telling me how hard/boring/exhausting it is and how my life is over.
I need some reassurance that my life isn't over and it's not that horrific.

Ill be honest i wish id bought a Porsche instead

Best thing to ever have happened was me becoming a mum. I wouldn’t change it for the world. Number 2 on the way. Under no illusion it will be difficult but I’m
So excited as is DP.

So funny, some posts are about people scaring them, others are all 'they said it would be perfect, why did the world lie to me?!'

Overwhelming odds are you'll get through the hard bits and love the good bits to pieces. I love love love having my kids. But it's exhausting and sometimes I am hanging on until 7pm when they're in bed.

Congratulations!

None of it is awful and I had a baby with 3-4 months of colic. I was never maternal but when I had my daughter last year at 40, she transformed my life. Everyday is wonderful, I wake up every morning like the happiest person ever. Waking up to her in her cot, her beautiful smiles she now gives. The love is incredible that any tiredness is soon forgotten. I wish I'd have known when I was younger how brilliant babies are. Now probably too old for any more.

It’s hard work but all worth it. I couldn’t imagine life without my three. They are everything to me, as infuriating as they are. They are the funniest and sweetest little things and yes, you will be more tired than you ever thought possible but you will learn to cope and eventually they grow up and move away, it will seem to have gone in a flash and you’ll miss them terribly once they’re gone.

Ita frustrating how people always want to tell you how hard things are going to be, 'just you wait till...'.

I have a nearly 3 month old, we're leaving the newborn weeks and now it's all 'oh just you wait till he starts teething/ is on the move/ starts weaning' (I use cloth nappies). There's always going to be something, but honestly no one knows how things are going to be in the future so there's no point worrying too much.

Just take each day at a time, get though the tough bits and enjoy the good bits!

As a veteran with 3 kids who are older now I can say that.

1. It did hinder our personal relationship as we had no support so nights out were rare. Weekends away a pipe dream. If you have support- use them!

1. Sex became much less frequent, often rushed and functional for a time - that has improved again as they have become older and left home!

1. Whatever you think it will cost - quadruple it.

It brings lots of pleasure, lots of worry, lots of highs, lots of lows. It’s a lifetime commitment. It’s rewarding but hard. It’s what makes the world turn.

We do it as we're biologically driven to do so 🤷‍♀️ And for something to do when we get bored of nights out/travelling. And the societal pressure I guess.

It's truly awful for some of us but in my case I simply had no idea I would find it so hard. Thought I'd be brilliant at it TBH my mum was amazing, we are her world and she maintains she loved it when we were little and so I just assumed it would be the same for me. It wasn't. At all.

Early motherhood was the single hardest, most relentless, mind numbingly dull, anticlimactic experience of my life. I was so shocked! And my DCs are actually really good/easy kids judging by some of the horror shows I've witnessed at playgroups/schools etc. it must be my personality. They get much easier as they get older and there's a lot of sweetness and love but the day to day drudge is still very hard and a lot of the time I'd rather be doing almost anything else than parenting. However I know many don't hate it like I did so hopefully you'll be one of those ones - get as much practical support as you can and good luck!

[quote MurmuratingStarling]@Lilybow

Having kids ISN'T 'so awful.' Really pisses me off when people say nasty negative shit when you're pregnant. Made me feel like saying 'just coz it was shit for you, don't assume it will be the same for everyone.' A few people were really fucking horrible, and terribly negative. Some people were nice, and positive, but some were very negative. I pitied them actually.

Some people are just very negative and miserable people. No wonder their kids didn't behave for them/didn't like them ...

Becoming a mother was/the the best thing that ever happened to me. I know this wont go down well with some, but I actually feel a bit sorry for women who don't have children. I can't imagine a life without mine. Becoming a mother made me a better person.[/quote]
Lol. Bless you you poor thing. You actually had to make a human to become a better person. I feel sorry for YOU. Your life before children must have been so pointless. Good job you were able to produce some babies though.

I feel like we hear just as many positive things but they just don't make as big an impact. It is hard, it is tiring, it does feels utterly thankless at times. But mothers are always talking about the morning smiles, the funny things the kids say, they're always bursting with pride about some thing that seems small to us but is huge to them.

I used to always be told 'wait til she starts walking' as a warning of things getting 'worse' but it was one of the very best times. In hindsight I can see plenty of people did talk about how adventurous and fun toddlers are, it's just that I didn't hear it.

@ImplementingTheDennisSystem

"Why do we have them? Because we biologically and socially want them. Because life without them is pretty dull after a while." I'm childfree by choice and dont recognise this at all. I'm late 30s and have a fabulous life. Some of friends' children are 10 years old now, so they're already half way through the main stretch of parenthood. All they ever describe is being on something akin to a treadmill.

Me neither!

How and why does life get dull after a while?!

I did not choose to have a child because my life had got dull

How and why does life get dull after a while?! I did not choose to have a child because my life had got dull

This wasn't the only reason I had DC but it was definitely part of it. I wanted something different as I was a bit "meh" about life as I felt I had already done most of what I had wanted and needed another dimension. I had travelled all over the world, had the job I always wanted, friends/family/relationship. It was all perfectly nice but I remember while travelling landing in Vietnam for what was supposed to be three weeks and just being a bit "oh is this it?" It's same shit different place and I left after three days as I simply couldn't be arsed! I figured having a baby was the last unchartered territory. Plenty of times when my DC were babies did I want that old, "dull" life back though

I enjoyed life pre children. Good job, lived in London, fab social life

I enjoy life post children. Good job, live 45 mins from london in a wonderful thriving town surrounded by countryside, love my home, wonderful group of girlfriends and, of course, the added benefit of my two children!!!

I was told so much that it slide he awful and found the opposite. Def depends on your baby, I think I've been lucky so not saying it's because I'm a great Mum it's just I've found it really easy and so enjoyable. Social live not affected but that's probably only because all my friends have similar age children

#would be awful

I actually feel a bit sorry for women who don't have children Becoming a mother made me a better person

I feel a bit sorry for you to be fair. Someone who gets pleasure out of leaving such smug comments on social media must be lacking something. And if having kids made you a ‘better person’, I dread to think what that person was like pre kids

I’m pregnant and really hope that having a baby doesn’t turn me into a smugster who ‘feels sorry’ for women who haven’t taken the same path in life as me. I highly doubt that though, as my life without kids is awesome. I’m sure life with kids will be awesome too, just ‘different’ but not ‘better’ 🤷🏻‍♀️

Becoming a mother made me a better person.

I don't think it did.

@VerityPJohnson

Because people look for meaning in life. Raising children a) gives you a purpose and b) no time to have an existential crisis anyway.

I don’t feel my childless not by choice life lacks meaning or purpose, and judging by a lot of threads on here having children doesn’t stop people from having existential crises.

Of course it’s often tiring, especially at first, and yes, babies and small children can be very full on, but some (or many) of us enjoyed our babies and children anyway.

I might add that my teen girls were never nightmares, either.
Don’t listen to all the doom-sayers!

It's just different, your life will never be the same again, but it's not a bad thing... everything just shifts...
It is hard, tiring and horrible and a lot of poop at times, but it's also fun and happy and sloppy kisses at times too ...(just like how life used to be!)

Wait until you get the "soak up every minutes because it doesn't last long" comments. Those are the ones that irritate me the most. You don't have to enjoy everything and I just feel those comments make me feel under pressure!

I feel people make these comments for three reasons, 1. They think they're hilarious 2. They like to think they know more about parenting then you and want you to know it 3. They are jelous because having a baby is absolutely wonderful and precious.

Being honest I didn't find babies difficult. Good
Pregnancy was exhausting, toddlers I find exhausting, small babies - nope, I found them really easy. Kind of like cute portable potplants that require frequent attention.

Neither were good sleepers, but both slept better for the first 3m then the 18m following (they didn't slept through until 2 + 3). My youngest had colic. They weren't magical unicorn babies.

I was less exhausted, and in a bubble of contented love than when pregnant. Their needs were simple (affection, food, nappies etc) and I found I took to motherhood instinctively, without finding it stressful or overwhelming.

I carried them in a sling a lot and and I felt this help calm them.

Toddlers I did find a lot more exhausting, but at least by then then you are much more experienced at being a mum, which helps. Juggling a toddler who sleeps worse than a newborn, work and their more complex needs is the hardest thing I found about parenting so far.

I'm contemplating having a third what puts me off is not having a baby but pregnancy and some aspects of toddlerhood.

It is the most rewarding thing I've ever done though.

@milkyaqua

Becoming a mother made me a better person.

I don't think it did.

Or imagine what she was like before having children?!!

Gotta love the way the child-free seem to be able to go on about how wonderful their life is, and how free they are do everything they want, and how they can just travel all over the world at the drop of a hat, etc etc.. They act like anyone with children can't possibly do ANYthing, that their lives are stunted or broken, and boring and full of drudgery. And their relationships go tits up as soon as babies come along.

Yeah - it's OK for the child-free to bash and berate mothers, but God FORBID you say anything about THEM. Oh no no no, that is NOT allowed! All I said was I feel sorry for them, because I do, as I can't imagine life without my children in it. They are gifts and they are precious to me. It's just my opinion.

And I clearly hit a raw nerve with @AnIconOfImperfections and @RoseIsGold and several others, according to the ludicrously sarcastic and spiteful remarks aimed at me PURELY because I said having children made me a better person.. Yes I AM a better person for having children.

My life was good and I was still a good person before I had them, but my life is SO much better for having them, and I became a better person because I started to put people before myself; a thing I never did when I was child-free. Why are several posters so upset and offended by me saying having children made me a better person? You are taking this very personally, and getting rather angry about it. Why???

I feel for women with no children, also, because I know 4 women - now 50-64 y.o with no children, and they are the loneliest people I know. They had a great career, lots of travel (which, SHOCKER you can have with children too!!!) and they were married. (Now divorced or widowed,) and now they have no-one. Their parents have passed away, and 2 of them are 'only childs' with no siblings, and 2 have a sibling they never see.

It really hits home on Mothers Day when the mothers are showered with flowers and gifts and visitors, (children grandchildren, and great grandchildren,) and these child-free women have no-one. Same with Christmas and birthdays. No-one.

I am sure the child-free women on here have just OOOODLES of people in their lives, and are always drinking, dancing, and travelling, and living their best life, but as I said, I do know some women who are child-free who are incredibly lonely. (Lockdown was a killer.)

And it's not really going to change. They won't have children at 55+ and they will very likely not find another man. A couple of them have been trying to find a man for 4-5 years, but there is really no-one out there for women aged 55-60+ No-one worth bothering with anyway

SO yeah I feel sorry for them. So shoot me! That is just my opinion. Wouldn't bother you unless I hit a raw nerve, and came a bit close to the bone. There's no need to be so bloody rude to me, I AM entitled to say I feel sorry for them, and having kids made me a better person, without being berated for it, just as YOU are entitled to say mummies having dull and boring lives full of drudgery, which you child-free always say!

I'm out. Coz clearly I hit a raw nerve with the child-free! And some of you really don't sound very nice at all. I will leave you to your vitriol.

Hiding the thread now. Have a good day.